Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

Op I think it’s great that you’ve been able to really think about, recognise and articulate all the problems. You recognise that the behaviour is wrong and it’s making you all miserable. This is good as often the ‘fog’ means this can go on and on - the boiled frog analogy comes to mind.

When a mother and father have issues they often stay together for the sake of the children. But what do your children benefit from this relationship? This man is not their father. Nothing except possibly years of therapy and broken relationships in their future. You have the opportunity to step in before your daughters hit puberty and things REALLY hit the fan - and change things. You can do it! Aside from the fact this is creepy AF, you sound miserable! Like you have a 3rd child jealously clamouring for attention.

Does he have somewhere he can go? Do you? Please don’t let this continue.

I worry OP that if you have had a history of abuse/shitty behaviour from men (you say their dad was an asshole?) that you wouldn't really recognize the signs. You might be conditioned to accept substandard behaviour from men, sadly you appear to be repeating the cycle with your own girls.

Please don't accept this.

"He then gets upset because I cannot stick to a routine."

This is your issue coupled with you saying he likes structure and routine and you don't do that with your parenting. It sounds very wishy washy with few enforced boundaries.

They have set times for devices, except for the times they want more time, so they get it.
You call up it's bed time but they carry on whispering. Not bedtime then is it. Because it's the weekend.
It's lockdown so they are allowed to not wash, not get dressed and not brush their teeth. But that's ok because lockdown.

He's trying to act like a parent by enforcing a routine. But he can't because he isn't the parent so he tells you, hoping you will. Except you don't and moan about him telling tales to you. Of course he's going to tell you, you're supposed to be the one in charge.
Lots of people don't let their children in their bedroom. This is not unusual. My DCs aren't allowed in mine if I'm not in there and if I am they have to knock and wait for a reply. DP sleeps naked and he wouldn't be comfortable with them coming into the bed when we are in it, purely because he isn't their dad and would see it as inappropriate.

And for all the frothy posts about the period comment; it was the OP who brought it up. Not her DP. But don't let that get in the way of everyone painting him as a weirdo with an unhealthy interest in girls.

If it was a dad having the same concerns about his daughter showering and brushing teeth, presumably that would be ok. If the child was male would a DP allowed to be concerned about showering? But as it's not a dad and it's a female child, he's instantly a perve who is writing down the date and times of her showers, so he can.....what exactly?

So the girls cannot even get some peace at bedtime because he goes up not long after them. Sat in a bedroom next to them. Listening to them.

And op, youve already been to counselling together?! Fgs call it a daY.

Scarily manipulative and controlling. Wouldn’t let hin near any children to be honest. Distance your children and yourself as soon as possible. (sorry that your partner is a creep).

Wouldn’t let him near children, not hin.

This man is obsessed with your daughters. You need to cut him out of your lives before he does something awful - your OP is just full of red flags.

What are you going to do?
How bad will it have to get for your children before you make up your mind to ask him to leave
You have a choice. Your children don’t.
How will you feel in a few years time when they tell you that they hate him and his weird fucking behaviour.?

Counselling after only living together for 2 years would be too much like hard work for me.

I don't think he's a pervert but he is behaving like a fanny, sticking his nose in and being too 'involved'.

I'd tell him it's not working out. It shouldn't be this hard to all live alongside each other. Not fair on your girls.

This creeped me out. The toothbrushes in particular for some reason. It sounds to me like he's jealous of your love for your kids and is trying to drive a wedge between you all.

I'm another who seems him as weird and creepy. I'm trying to think of my brothers and my friends behaving like this and I really can't. Why is he always trying to catch them out? Why is he bothered whether the girls brush their teeth or shower? He really does give me the creeps and, like another poster, I hope he's never on his own on a one-to-one with either of them.

Qwerty
Nice whitewashing of the other points. Perhaps op is being too lax with her girls. But his behaviour is not parenting.

You've come back on some questions OP but not addressed the main thing... what are you planning to do?

This is so far from normal that your poor girls are going to be really confused about boundaries and what is appropriate.

So what's the plan?

Did you ever actually ask him to act like a parent towards them? Do you want him to help you discipline them or just butt out completely?

This is really creepy behaviour. It’s beyond anal and shouldn’t be dismissed

OP, my step dad was like this. I was also sexually abused as a child. My mum was 'blind' to it all.

They used to tell people how much he did for me, treated me like his own etc etc. No one would have believed any different.

Do not leave your girls with this man. It is all very very weird.

I'm not accusing him of sexual abuse, as that would be unfair, I don't know facts. But I'm just telling you my experience.
My SD acted exactly the same as this man.

Tests, spying, checking up, having that authority over everything I did.

It is controlling behaviour, as in ott. Tbh, it kind of smacks of someone playing the role of a teacher or something. It's like parenting doesn't come naturally and he's trying to find his place by contributing. His values, however, seem rather wooden. So far he'd picked up that too much screen time is bad and that children must wash their teeth. He could relax a little. But I wouldn't put this in the controlling/abusive category. I think that anal is the right word.

Imagine being those two girls waiting for a ‘gotcha’ moment, day in day out

He is blundering through everyone’s boundaries. Who made him king? Is he like this at work, constantly trying to micro manage everyone else? Does he think of himself as a perfectionist?

You sound like a lovely mum and I hope you can quickly reestablish that you as the parent decide what goes.

OP imagine your friend telling your her partner was checking her children’s toothbrushes, setting up traps to catch them out, making note of how often they showered, “testing” their love via hugs, hiding their devices etc. What would you tell her?

Or imagine yourself in 10 years time and your daughters come to you and say “mum, why did you allow him to do that?” What will you answer?

Wow I don't know how you manage everyday! I would have lost my shit with him ages ago lol Too much attention from him on your girls and it made me uncomfortable reading it. He is behaving very oddly and def not normal attention!!!

He sounds like an absolute creep. Far too involved for a man you’ve been living with for 2 years, why does he have such a big say in how you parent your girls?

Even if nothing worse is going on that what you describe, it still sounds miserable for your dad's. Home isn't meant to be a place where someone is laying traps for you all the time.

And it's so disrespectful of your parenting. Who made him the boss of everyone?

Trying to imagine what he'll be like with a 15/16 year old.

It's not pretty.

He's horrible. I don't think 'counselling' will do it. It really won't.

Even just reading this, it gives me the creeps. Definitely not normal and very controlling. And while you say he does a lot for them, I wonder. He drives them to and from things - could be also a controlling aspect. And buying stuff is easy. Does he actually engage with them other than the constant checkups, setting them traps and snitching on them?

OP
You started off worried about your partner’s behaviour then you seemed to make excuses when other posters questioned.

Are you happy in this relationship?
The fact that counselling was needed is telling.
The fact that your daughters are whispering about him is concerning. The fact that your partner is listening out for their whispering is worrying.

There’s more to your family set up than meets the eye.
Very disconcerting.