Is it ok to feel low if you’re ‘privileged’

[Tiredofbeintired]

Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.

I expressed that I felt a bit down/anxious yesterday and was asked what exactly I had to feel down about. I said it is a mix of worrying about the future (job stability/economy), hearing sad individual stories of people who have lost loved ones, worry about elderly lonely relatives, concerned about stats and the nhs. Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

Just wondering how common this view point is? Is it not ok to feel low occasionally because I’m one of the luckier ones? The person saying this is in the exact same boat as me and is enjoying lock down at the moment.

You expressed your feelings to the wrong person clearly! Hardly anyone in the developed world would ever have the right to feel down about anything in that case.

Mental health affects all. You can recognise your privilege and that others are in worse positions and still feel unhappy or depressed. for you.

I mean if you cut your finger it hurts and knowing that other people have lost an arm doesn’t stop it from hurting!

Bollocks to that. Of course you're allowed to feel low, this isn't a competition where only the least privileged are allowed to feel sad about things.

There have been countless deaths, social isolation, and so many other things to feel low about. It's natural.

It's important to recognise that you're in a more fortunate position than others, which you do recognise. You understand that for other people the current situation may be much harder. But you are also allowed to find it hard. You friend can't tell you how to feel.

I feel very privileged. I live in a green city so I've got walks on my doorstep, we have a small house and garden but it's way better than a small flat with no outdoor space and I can work from home.
I still feel like shit some days. It's normal.

I hate this way of thinking. Yes people have it a lot worse more than likely but your feelings are entirely valid and as pp said no one in the developed world should moan if that's what we are going on. Find someone better to talk to next time OP.

Bollocks to whoever said that to you! I am in a very similar situation to you, we are very fortunate.

I still feel low sometimes - not getting out much and seeing other people gets to you, even if you do get out for walks.

I felt fine for ages and then one day it just came over me - the same could happen to the person who said this to you. It's fine to enjoy it - my partner is furloughed and having a whale of a time pootling about, whereas I'm working from home and finding it hard to concentrate without my bike ride commute that breaks up the day and seeing all my office pals.

Don't let anybody tell you how to feel. Look after yourself.

Of course you're allowed to feel down, it's not a competition and this situation is hard on everyone. You are clearly thoughtful and empathetic, but the person who said that to you sounds self centred and smug,

When you stub your toe, it hurts. That someone else broke their toe doesn't make the pain you are suffering any less for you.

Of course you are 'allowed' to feel low, and I'm really sorry that you do. I hope you have kinder people in your life who will talk with you supportively and recognise that your being well off doesn't mean you can't be worried or sad.

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Someone on a work call has revealed that he is having a blue period at the minute- I felt very down the week before last. We're all fortunate at work because we can wfh, have decently paid jobs and most have gardens and quite a few of us have inflatable hot tubs now as well.

But this situation is rubbish and not knowing when or how it will end is doubly so. We're allowed not to be super perky about it just because we aren't facing financial ruin and have pleasant spaces to walk in, although obviously acknowledging that it is easier for us because of this.

I've found for me it's best if I focus on short term goals and pleasures. So I've signed up to run 50km this month through a FB group and the pictures from peoples runs are cheering me up a lot, plus I've ordered some luxury meat deliveries and tomorrow we've got a seafood order coming. I'm really fortunate we have no money worries and can afford these, but it doesn't replace seeing my parents, family and friends, just makes it marginally less bad.

Hello OP. You are absolutely entitled to feel anything you feel! Your feelings are valid, and yours to feel.

The other person's reaction probably says more about them than it does about you!

I think you sound lovely. You recognise that while you, personally, haven't been too badly affected that others have, and you've showed some empathy for them.

It was my DH. We’ve been getting along well other than the fact that if I feel low about things (which has been rare) he tells me there’s no reason why I should feel down/worried/sad and he doesn’t understand it. We have very young kids and they are starting to play up a bit now so that doesn’t help things.

Thanks for the responses I felt awful last night questioning myself and wasn’t sure what to think.

I'd think most people with a bit of empathy and not too selfish would feel some sadness and anxiety about the entire crisis and in relation to what others are going through.
However, I also think that we should do our best to put that anxiety into perspective and realise that it's not about us.

It depends how you feel it and how you present it.
As an example, my mother has a knack for turning other people's problems about her. It's all about how much she worries and how she won't sleep, etc. Well, fine being concerned, but it's not about her.
Or you. Trying to elicit sympathy for being too worried about other people comes across as selfish.
If you are concerned that the situation is getting to you and is affecting your mental health is another issue, and you may get a different response from other people. But they may have meant it in a sense of counting your blessings as a strategy to cope with this situation, not as a criticism of you.

It really depends on how the conversation went.

The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

How extraordinarily self-centred and unempathetic! If people only ever felt emotionally affected by their own situation, there would be no kindness, no charity, no altruism.

And, whether or not your emotions are justified, they are your emotions, they are what you feel, and you have every right to feel how you feel. What you do about it may be a different matter. But nobody can deny you your own emotions.

I'm sorry your DH is so unsympathetic.

I think, if you're overall not so badly effected, it absolutely is inappropriate to be ranting and raving and demanding things when others have it harder. But that is not the same as saying you don't have the right to feel low, to express that feeling and, if it gets very bad, to seek help if necessary.

In this instance, the "help" is your DH and he's let you down.

DH and I are also very privileged. all things considered, we're okay. But we have moments where we really struggle. Where we're scared or frustrated or angry and the single biggest way we're able to manage that is knowing the other one understands and will be supportive.

I get really upset when people are so judgemental of others who they perceive as being better off than them.

On paper, I'm ok. I've had to take a pay cut admittedly and I know my company will struggle if business doesn't start to recover soon but I have some savings, and the job market for my skill set is fairly ok. Kids are managing ok with the school work, and we have a garden so they can get fresh air.

But in reality, I spend the evenings once the kids are in bed fretting about the future, for them as much as me. I feel sad because my friends mum is very poorly in hospital and I cant go and see her to give her any support. I'm lonely because I have been a single parent for almost two years now. And I miss my mum. No amount of money or privilege can give me what I want right now, which is some big hugs from her.

Everyone is entitled to have their own feelings - irrespective of whatever material things we might have.

OP that's exactly the sort of thing DH would and has said to me. I think he feels he is helping to solve the problem, but of course telling a sad person that they have no right to feel sad, is in fact not very helpful at all. Can you facetime or call friends or talk about it here ?

Are you also not allowed to feel happy if someone is happier/better off than you?

I have nothing to feel low about when I compare myself to others but I did hit a real low point worrying about how other people would cope before furlough was announced - mind you still lots of people suffering - so we decided to make a weekly charity donation to help others less fortunate than us.

Everybody is entitled to their feelings, the question for me is how do you communicate them.
Yes, you are in a privileged situation, however I would find any moaning (replace it with any negative comms) frustrating coming from someone like you. If you said it to friends and were more of a statement with the explanation you just mentioned to us, rather than attention seeking, I would not see a problem with it. It might be just me.

I cannot think of anyone within my friendship (privilaged or not) who dont realize the doom we are heading towards to. It can be upsetting as it is out of our control. It impacts a whole society.
I cannot even say - there is a light at the end of the tunnel atm.
But for as long as we all try to do our best, what else could we do.

Keep calm and carry on!

YANBU.

I am in the same position as you,minus the children. I am so anxious and low which is v unlike me, I am usually the annoying positive one. I am SO stressed about the state of the country / economy, it is becoming overwhelming.

However, I feel bad expressing these feelings to friends and colleagues as I get that am in a very fortunate position. Many of these people have lost their jobs or are stuck in apartments in the city with no access to outside space.

My DH also doesn't really get why I feel like this.

Lweji - I’m usually quite chatty and was quiet for a bit yesterday (deep in thought). He asked me if I was alright and I said yeh just feel a bit shit about things sometimes. He said what do you have to feel shit about? I told him what was making me feel low (see above) and then said I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow just a low day. Then he said it was ridiculous considering other people had so little and they’re the ones who should be feeling down now not me as I haven’t been directly impacted. He said he’s been enjoying lockdown because we have everything we need and he just couldn’t understand it and that I have no right to feel bad.

This is not word for word but a pretty accurate jist. I wouldn’t say I was making it about me but a hug would have been nice or maybe just a I don’t understand your feelings but hope you feel better soon? Not sure what I was expecting/wanting really. If he hadn’t have asked I would have kept it to myself anyway and it would have blown over. I’m generally a very positive person (he’s the opposite ushually).

Of course it's ok. This is incredibly difficult for so many people. There's no shame in struggling with it regardless of your circumstances and it's essential that people are allowed to express their feelings and concerns. There will always be people worse off but that doesn't lessen your struggles.

We're all privileged in some way, unless you're the one unluckiest person on earth who is at the very bottom of the heap. And while it's useful and good to acknowledge it - you shouldn't be expected to self flagellate over it.

Also lots of people feel sad about stuff that isn't directly affecting them - because they are humans with empathy.

The person you spoke to was just being rude.