Is it ok to feel low if you’re ‘privileged’

[Tiredofbeintired]

Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.

I expressed that I felt a bit down/anxious yesterday and was asked what exactly I had to feel down about. I said it is a mix of worrying about the future (job stability/economy), hearing sad individual stories of people who have lost loved ones, worry about elderly lonely relatives, concerned about stats and the nhs. Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

Just wondering how common this view point is? Is it not ok to feel low occasionally because I’m one of the luckier ones? The person saying this is in the exact same boat as me and is enjoying lock down at the moment.

That's insane. We all have the right to interpret this situation as we see fit. I'm in secure well paid employment but I'm scared as hell for everyone, scared for the economy, NHS, the backlash....I'm fearful for my children's future. All that fear is bound to get anyone down, you've a right to own your own feelings so sod what anyone says x

I never quite understand this way of thinking because surely if you are a person who has empathy you worry about other people and that can make you down/anxious? It's like when people say 'oh but there's people starving in [insert country] and I'm like 'and that's meant to make me feel good?' This whole situation is making my anxiety go crazy and I'm not really directly affected. But I worry about my friends who work in the NHS, older relatives with health issues, the state of the economy and how it will affect many people's jobs and so on. That's normal to worry surely.

@Tiredofbeintired - social sensitivity is not everyone`s forte. Maybe your DH reacts to the current situation this way (or maybe he is a dick - you know him )

Wait so did he actually say you have ‘no right‘ to feel that way as in your first post or that ‘he didn’t understand’ as you’ve put in your second?

The first sounds like him being horrible and disregarding, the second as if he is trying to point out the positives in everything you have so it really depends on the actual conversation.

My DH tells me not to worry and be sad about things, too. I suspect it is because his way of dealing with it is to pretend to himself there is no reason to be worried and sad; if I am worrying or being sad that threatens his defences. He has to find a way to tell me that my worries and sadness are unwarranted, because otherwise, he will have to face up to the fact that they are not and then he will have to stop hiding behind "everything is fine! Nothing to worry about!" It's s defence mechanism, OP, I really believe that.

Being charitable, maybe he is enjoying your company immensely and was a bit offended you aren't feeling so happy to be at home all the time.

Or he just doesn't have much empathy. I know someone who will bang on for hours and hours about their problems and feelings about things. If I mention for a second my feelings, he'll say, 'oh that was your choice, so your fault, so you've got nothing to moan about.' 😳😂

I’m glad you’ve had positive responses here OP because the overwhelming sense I’ve had from a lot of threads lately is that you’re not allowed to feel down about anything in your own life because PEOPLE ARE DYING. There’s an awful lot of posters falling over themselves to label anyone struggling as precious or entitled or selfish.

You are entitled to feel absolutely anything you feel. You can have a day of feeling like you’re the hardest done to person in the world if that’s how it happens to feel that day - for the vast majority of people the feelings pass, they get things back in perspective, realise the ways in which they are actually fortunate and get back on with their life.

I think anyone who can look at the situation and the suffering and loss happening all around and not feel sad and down about it at times has something wrong with them to be honest. Simple empathy for others would have you feeling sadness if nothing else. Plus even if you still have lots of great things in your life, you’ve also had life changed for you and your children and you’ve lost some things - maybe not your life or your health or your financial security like some but you’re still allowed to feel the loss of freedom or time with friends or normal routine or sense of security.

For what it’s worth I’ve had a lot of times in my life when I was objectively going through something awful and I would always beat myself up and hate myself for ‘being self indulgent’ and ‘feeling sorry for myself’ because ‘plenty of people have it worse’. It took a therapist to say ‘yeah true, plenty of people have it better though and you’re allowed to feel sad about what you’ve been through without it being any reflection on their troubles’. Trying to stop, control or fight the negative feelings and guilt myself into being ‘grateful’ every time I was struggling was counterproductive - I’ve learned to let myself feel shit and sorry for myself for a bit, it always passes far quicker than I think it will and I’m back to being able to look at things more rationally and have compassion for both myself and others.

My DH has a tendency to be a bit like yours. I don’t know if he sees me being sad or anxious or worried about the situation as something he has to fix, or as a reflection in his ability to ‘look after us’ or whatever. His knee jerk response is ‘it’ll be fine there’s nothing to worry about at least x/y/z’. Having said that I cried on his shoulder for about an hour the other night because I felt so bloody lonely (yes even in spite of DH and kind neighbours and good friends and family on the phone etc etc, it was still how I felt in that moment) and he was able to just give me a cuddle and say ‘I know, it’s really shit, I’m here’. It’s taken a lot of misunderstandings along the way but he has realised what I need in those situations now, rather than automatically jumping in with ‘well why don’t you just .....’ type responses I used to get.

Batqueen if you go back and look at the second post I’ve put he said both which he did. It wasn’t said in a cruel tone more in a tone it’d utter disbelief at my emotions

In a tone of utter disbelief - sorry

The thing is that your mental health isn’t visible in the way that a broken bone or physical pain would be, so there are still people who think it’s OK to tell you to pull yourself together or that you have it better than some. It’s cruel. You feel how you feel and all the wishing in the world won’t change that. If it would, I’d be jumping for joy. Some days aren’t too bad, some days are utterly dire.

Many of the things that keep some of us mentally well have disappeared. I hope temporarily, but it’s so hard and you’re allowed to feel down.

I'm super privileged, and whilst I think its important to be grateful for privilege its also fine to feel upset about things. It's crap, having a garden and a nice house is great and I'm grateful for it, but I'm also really missing my mum, the kids are missing school, I want to be able to plan and get back to normal, no matter what people say this is not normal! I'm anxious for friends in the NHS, for the economy and for the country generally. I hate this.

@Tiredofbeintired I did read your second post. You mention he said no reason,’ not ‘no right’. Which whilst not the most empathetic is different. One implies that you shouldn’t be allowed to, that your feelings aren’t ok. The other is that your feelings are irrational and that he doesn’t understand them. Yes, that’s not the most empathetic response but we all know feelings aren’t always rational it doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have them.

Yanbu. Especially as you acknowledge that you're lucky. Some people think it's always competitive. Also depends a bit who you were talking to - if it's someone in a similar position, it comes across better than to someone who's significantly more affected than you are.

Op your big house and garden does not replace your life, your friends, hobbies, weekends, holidays and anything else that you love. You just have a bigger prison than some other people, but it is still the same prison.

Your dh sounds like mine, the type of response that we are still alive why are we complaining?! Well something to do with finding it hard, if not impossible to continue like this maybe. For some people lockdown is great, for others it is a life sentence. You need to explain what you are missing more clearly to your dh, your feelings of loss and sadness are entirely justified and he is minimising your feelings will only make you feel even more alone and alienated.

Why is that overwhelmingly the responses are (rightly in my opinion) that it’s fine to feel like that even if you are privileged, yet generally (and on here) people ridiculed Sam Smith for feeling down as he was a rich celebrity?

Anyway, my personal opinion is of course you are allowed to feel down, but also try if you can to keep things in perspective - it could be worse, and it can help to count your blessings eg ‘At least I have a garden!’ while feeling down and sitting outside, etc.

People at all income levels get depression. Even if people have nothing much really to be fed up about many will be fed up. I am lucky to be happy but I don't take that for granted.

however it is a fairly natural thing if someone has so much more than others that if they have a bit of a moan people might say hang on you are so lucky. I was moaning about no state help for people in my category (not even universal credit - I have savings) nor furlough money nor self employed scheme or anything - but at least I'm not dying in hospital of CV19 or with no food.

We're all allowed to feel rubbish. I am really fortunate jn my circumstances too but I have had a couple of really crap days.

Also if your dh is a 'fixer' he will feel he has his hands tired because he can not make you happy or better for you this time.

Look up the Fallacy of Relative Privation (and now you have a nice philosophical term to chuck at anyone minimising your worries.

Basically it says that everyone can feel down about some aspect of their life at the same time as recognising their privelige. Because, as pp said, if we weren't allowed to complain about anything ever because there is always someone worse off, the only person in the world at any one time who could complain would be the person who is at the absolute bottom of the pile. Not even second from bottom would be allowed to complain about anything ever (until the bottom person died, then they could have a right old moan).

Sorry you were feeling down, i hope it's better today.

We can be grateful for what we've got and feel overwhelmed and down by the enormity of the current situation/concerns about the future at the same time.
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
Hope you're ok OP, keep talking on here x

Whoever said that to you is a dick at worst, or has a very tunnel-visioned view of the world, with few empathy skills. Take no notice.

Urgh I hate this attitude.
I had a baby 8 weeks ago and almost immediately went into lockdown and couldn’t see my parents (their first grandchild too).
My DF was diagnosed with cancer days after lockdown.

I feel awful but the amount of times I’ve heard/been told ‘it’s ok for you with your big rural house and financial security’.

Money isn’t everything, I would rather see my parents!

Well ... everyone's more privileged that someone, apart from the least privileged person on the planet. So, following your DH's guidance, would mean that nobody has the right to feel low, have a vent, whatever.

Slap him round the head with a wet fish and suggest that he has a bit more empathy.

Of course you're entitled to fee low; I think a lot of us are right now

for you and I hope that you pick up soon.

In my view the word privilege has become toxic. It is a useful term for (academic) class analysis. However, when used for individuals it is invariably used as a tool to shut someone down, to say that their perception of the world is not legitimate and that their feelings and views are worth less thank someone else's.

I’m in a similar situation to you @Tiredofbeintired but it still doesn’t stop me feeling down and worried about the future. We only know about the present and very immediate future. What it’s going to be like in 3, 6, 12 months and beyond is anyone’s guess.