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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it ok to feel low if you’re ‘privileged’

144 replies

Tiredofbeintired · 11/05/2020 10:30

Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.

I expressed that I felt a bit down/anxious yesterday and was asked what exactly I had to feel down about. I said it is a mix of worrying about the future (job stability/economy), hearing sad individual stories of people who have lost loved ones, worry about elderly lonely relatives, concerned about stats and the nhs. Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

Just wondering how common this view point is? Is it not ok to feel low occasionally because I’m one of the luckier ones? The person saying this is in the exact same boat as me and is enjoying lock down at the moment.

OP posts:
Biscuit0110 · 11/05/2020 11:27

Gilded golden cage is a cage after all.

It is ghastly for all of us wherever we are.

Other countries are now locking down, Kuwait just yesterday, their lockdowns are even worse than ours.The one thing that keeps me going is that the lockdown could be even harder than it is now, at least we can leave our houses and move around. Secondly at some point this will end. Nothing stays the same forever. It will pass, and we will be free again.

Oceangirl82 · 11/05/2020 11:27

Pooh woke up that morning, and, for reasons that he didn't entirely understand, couldn't stop the tears from coming. He sat there in bed, his little body shaking, and he cried, and cried, and cried.

Amidst his sobs, the phone rang.

It was Piglet.

"Oh Piglet," said Pooh, between sobs, in response to his friend's gentle enquiry as to how he was doing. "I just feel so Sad. So, so, Sad, almost like I might not ever be happy again. And I know that I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know there are so many people who have it worse off than me, and so I really have no right to be crying, with my lovely house, and my lovely garden, and the lovely woods all around me. But oh, Piglet: I am just SO Sad."

Piglet was silent for a while, as Pooh's ragged sobbing filled the space between them. Then, as the sobs turned to gasps, he said, kindly: "You know, it isn't a competition."

"What isn't a competition?" asked a confused sounding Pooh.

"Sadness. Fear. Grief," said Piglet. "It's a mistake we often make, all of us. To think that, because there are people who are worse off than us, that that somehow invalidates how we are feeling. But that simply isn't true. You have as much right to feel unhappy as the next person; and, Pooh - and this is the really important bit - you also have just as much right to get the help that you need."

"Help? What help?" asked Pooh. "I don't need help, Piglet.

"Do I?"

Pooh and Piglet talked for a long time, and Piglet suggested to Pooh some people that he might be able to call to talk to, because when you are feeling Sad, one of the most important things is not to let all of the Sad become trapped inside you, but instead to make sure that you have someone who can help you, who can talk through with you how the Sad is making you feeling, and some of the things that might be able to be done to support you with that.

What's more, Piglet reminded Pooh that this support is there for absolutely everyone, that there isn't a minimum level of Sad that you have to be feeling before you qualify to speak to someone.

Finally, Piglet asked Pooh to open his window and look up at the sky, and Pooh did so.

"You see that sky?" Piglet asked his friend. "Do you see the blues and the golds and that big fluffy cloud that looks like a sheep eating a carrot?"

Pooh looked, and he could indeed see the blues and the golds and the big fluffy cloud that looked like a sheep eating a carrot.

"You and I," continued Piglet, "we are both under that same sky. And so, whenever the Sad comes, I want you to look up at that sky, and know that, however far apart we might be physically...we are also, at the same time, together. Perhaps, more together than we have ever been before."

"Do you think this will ever end?" asked Pooh in a small voice.

"This too shall pass," confirmed Piglet. "And I promise you, one day, you and I shall once again sit together, close enough to touch, sharing a little smackerel of something...under that blue gold sky."

www.samaritans.org

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iamapixie · 11/05/2020 11:29

Feeling low isn't always objectively rational but of course we all have a right to have our feelings.
I'm in very much the same position in the sense of having the privilege of being able to afford lockdown, being in a nice leafy area. But I literally can't bear what is happening to people through lockdown.
Feeling low can be not just sadness, but a symptom of feeling powerless and angry.
Allow your feelings but maybe try to push through them a bit too. Not sure what else we can all do really.

Whenwillthisbeover · 11/05/2020 11:34

Same here, i always work from home so no change, we are all working as usual due to one of us being front line NHS and the other two in key industries. Nice house, lovely local walks, well stocked supermarket (now!) but I am really down, suffering from anxiety and dreading each new day, i feel like a caged bird.

I don’t talk about it because i am aware of how fortunate we are, but it doesn’t stop me feeling shit. I can only begin to imagine just how shit some other people are feeling in worse positions.

Biscuit0110 · 11/05/2020 11:34

Material privilege is one thing, but others have privileges in other ways. I would give anything now to live in a street with lots of other people that sit in their gardens and drink wine, and chat into the evening. I live in a big house in the country, so called privilege, and we don't have the option to do that here.

I dropped shopping into my mother's house and vera lyn was at full volume on Friday, flags flapping in the air, people were enjoying the sunshine with wine, all at a distance of course, to me that is privilege.
I would have done anything just to have joined them. To hear the chatter, the sense of being together and having company. I am sure some may feel surprised if I pointed this out to them, that I feel they are supremely socially privileged in my eyes.

UnderLockdown · 11/05/2020 11:36

Your feelings are as valid as any one elses

Biscuit0110 · 11/05/2020 11:38

ocean I was getting through the day to now without crying Sad your post was just so so sad.

cologne4711 · 11/05/2020 11:47

Bit of a stupid thing to say. So if you are rich and your mother dies you can't feel sad because you are rich?

Everyone has feelings, the only thing you can say is that if you have money it helps not to make bad situations worse.

OneandTwenty · 11/05/2020 11:48

You are in the exact same pandemic situation as anyone else, why on earth wouldn't you feel low?

Whilst there's no need to go into the extreme some enjoy going into, and become completely hysterical by inventing restrictions that simply do not exist and never had in the UK so far, you can still be realistic and suffer from the current conditions. Like everyone else...

There's always someone worst than you are, and the UK is beyond privileged. You can still feel pretty shit about current events. Inventing things is not helpful, being realistic is human!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 11/05/2020 11:54

@Oceangirl82

That was great Smile

Iamthewombat · 11/05/2020 11:56

Oh dear. I will get flamed now because I’m with your DH, although perhaps for different reasons. You summed up your reasons for feeling down in your first post:

Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person (your husband) told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

We’ve just celebrated the anniversary of D day. Whilst it is natural to feel fed up in the current set of circumstances (which, compared to what living through WW2 must have been like, is almost nothing), I think that we’re all losing the skill of putting on a brave face and getting on with it for the sake of other people.

If you are not directly affected by the virus, which you say you are not, you could keep your worries to yourself and keep cheerful for your family and friends. You can acknowledge to yourself that you feel a bit fed up, which is OK, but decide that you’ll keep an upbeat exterior.

I know that we’re all regularly encouraged to ‘share’ but if you are on a prolonged downer I think, being absolutely frank, that it’s a bit selfish to expect your friends and family to listen to you talk about it all the time. They get your mental load as well as their own.

I’m not saying never mention it, but there is some personal responsibility to consider. Do everybody’s feelings deserve to be constantly aired, in a continuous stream of consciousness? Are we all obliged to patiently listen, even if we don’t agree or necessarily sympathise?

Before anybody jumps in and says, ‘but we’re all entitled to express ourselves as we choose’ or whatever: yes, you are, to a degree. However you can’t expect whoever is on the receiving end to be happy about it. We all present different faces to different people: the way you behave around work colleagues is unlikely to be the same as your behaviour amongst old friends, for example. There’s a reason for this: you need to consider the impact your behaviour has on your audience.

Silkenworm · 11/05/2020 12:01

She was talking to her husband.

Silkenworm · 11/05/2020 12:03

There is a big difference between being sensitive in how you approach conversations (though you should be able to be completely open with your spouse) and saying that you shouldn't feel the way you do/ your feelings are not legitimate.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 11/05/2020 12:04

You are absolutely entitled to feel low OP, nobody whoever they are has the right to tell you how you should feel " because others have it worse". Your forced jollity will not make other peoples "worse" better. T, for one, (having had the "worse" visited on my family thanks to covid), would not want or expect anyone to have their feelings dismissed or minimised on the basis of "what have you got to be upset about, people have died". Yes people have (bless you mum), but that doesn't mean other people's world have stopped turning and it certainly doesn't lessen the struggle many are facing.

theDudesmummy · 11/05/2020 12:04

I am feeling a lot like the OP. I am lucky even by UK standards. I just fortuitously happened to move to rural Ireland seven weeks ago, at the very moment of lockdown. I am in a rural area, with a big garden, and access to walks and cycles all round, even though we were confined to a 2km (now 5km) radius. This area has a very low level of cases/deaths. My business continues to function online, at least for now, and I have no need to go anywhere. I am also quite content not seeing a soul outside of my household for weeks on end. My DH is a fabulous cook and is putting effort into making restaurant-standard meals every day. I know I am very very lucky compared to so many people, but it is still hard not to feel down about the world, and I then feel guilty. It is all just so generally sad and such a shame in so many areas of life, even apart from the tragedy-level events happening to so many families.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 11/05/2020 12:05

T =I stupid typo

Biscuit0110 · 11/05/2020 12:07

which, compared to what living through WW2 must have been like, is almost nothing

You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you? It was on every channel. During the war people hugged, they danced, they sang together, they had parties and celebrations to keep their spirits up. They cried together, and yes the war was horrible, but they knew what they were dealing with. The lack of touch, company and support is exactly what makes this crisis worse than others.
With all due respect telling op to stop talking in case she brings her dh down is probably not going to help a great deal, as it seems she has been doing that already for seven weeks now.

HUCKMUCK · 11/05/2020 12:13

It's this weird attitude we have to feelings and mental well being. That somehow there has to be a 'cause' for how you are feeling and if someone else is worse off, you should just suck it up.

Mental health is an arc and we can all be at different places on the arc even if we are all in the same situation.

Anyone who loves you should be supportive of your feelings. It doesn't sound like you are being dramatic or exaggerating so I can't see what his problem is.

Sorry you feel low - it's entirely ok to feel that way. Take care.

Rayn · 11/05/2020 12:15

Completely with you. My DH is a natural optimist and can't understand why I feel low sometimes. I hate people telling me to look on the bright side. I understand why they do. Sometimes I just wanna moan and then after I can snap out of it!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 11/05/2020 12:17

We’ve just celebrated the anniversary of D day. Whilst it is natural to feel fed up in the current set of circumstances (which, compared to what living through WW2 must have been like, is almost nothing), I think that we’re all losing the skill of putting on a brave face and getting on with it for the sake of other people.

I would argue against that being a useful skill with a positive outcome, tbh. I can think of many older relatives whose lives (and the lives of those closest to them) would have been markedly better had they faced up to and dealt with distress and worry rather than going the "let's pretend I have no feelings" route.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/05/2020 12:17

"[My husband] told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation."

Emotions don't have a 'should' switch. And I disagree that you haven't been directly impacted, because you have, we all have. Just because you haven't lost a loved one doesn't mean you have lost nothing. We have all lost the future we expected to have and the opportunities for our children we expected them to have. The world has changed in a way that merits the phrase "having the rug pulled out from under your feet" - it's been sudden, unexpected, and we don't know what could be coming next.

Frankly, I think those of us who haven't been brought a bit low by this have either successfully pushed away their fears, or lack the imagination that allows us to plan for their new future. Maybe your husband is the former, maybe he is the latter. But neither has the right to tell you your emotions are somehow 'wrong'. You feel what you feel. There is no 'should'.

dottiedodah · 11/05/2020 12:19

I am similar to you .Nice house ,big garden ,no money worries and lots of nice walks to the River with our dog.However missing my family ,and also freedom to just "pop" out to the shops or for a coffee/catch up with chums .The situation is pretty crap and we have lost so much of our personal freedom as well.My DH is feeling it so we talk about it .Just say to DH that you feel uncertain about the future and feeling a bit bogged down with DC or whatever .There isnt a cap on feeling low you know everyone feels down sometimes anyway ,its natural and now it is multiplied 100 times over! I find it hard to believe he feels tickety boo all the time himself! maybe he puts up a good front!

Biscuit0110 · 11/05/2020 12:20

where or medicated to the eyeballs.

CountessDracula · 11/05/2020 12:24

We’ve just celebrated the anniversary of D day. Whilst it is natural to feel fed up in the current set of circumstances (which, compared to what living through WW2 must have been like, is almost nothing), I think that we’re all losing the skill of putting on a brave face and getting on with it for the sake of other people.

This is untrue. People didn't just put on a brave face during the war. They could see other people and get comfort from them when they felt unhappy or stressed.

It was VE day that was just celebrated btw

Iamthewombat · 11/05/2020 12:24

You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you?

No, they have not all said that, and I’m in the lucky position of having both parents, aged 88, alive. Both of whom lived through WW2, some of it in a city that attracted more than its share of air raids and both of whom said the having lived through that, they can’t see why everybody is making such a fuss about this pandemic. They follow the rules, but they know that what’s happening now is a world away from bombs dropping from the skies killing your neighbours and destroying homes, family members being called up to fight and being killed in action and sending children away to live with strangers for years on end.

All the hugging and dancing and parties in the world couldn’t make that experience better than having to stay at home for a few months, which is the impact on the OP.

Yes, she is allowed to be fed up. Many people are. However, her DH has the right to be fed up of hearing her complain about it.

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