Is it ok to feel low if you’re ‘privileged’

[Tiredofbeintired]

Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.

I expressed that I felt a bit down/anxious yesterday and was asked what exactly I had to feel down about. I said it is a mix of worrying about the future (job stability/economy), hearing sad individual stories of people who have lost loved ones, worry about elderly lonely relatives, concerned about stats and the nhs. Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

Just wondering how common this view point is? Is it not ok to feel low occasionally because I’m one of the luckier ones? The person saying this is in the exact same boat as me and is enjoying lock down at the moment.

Completely fine to feel low even if you are privileged.
I'm the same as you in that I'm privileged and have still had a couple of days where I've felt overwhelmed by the situation.
I also had a holiday of a lifetime cancelled due to COVID and found people would say the same about that 'oh it could be worse your loved ones could be sick'. Yes they could (and have been) but that doesn't make me any less upset about losing my holiday!
Your feelings are always valid.

Of course it is, unfortunately even if you lost a limb some people would say you have no right to complain as someone somewhere has lost more. We are all human, most of us are struggling in one way or another.

Sorry, yes, it was VE Day. I was distracted. Thanks @CountessDracula

I live in 400 sq ft, no garden. No loved ones nearby. I’ve been suicidal.

It’s fine for you to be worried or low, of course. But it is hard to read “we’re so lucky to have the big garden” etc. So you will have to accept that people like me aren’t likely to hop on a thread and give you sympathy because you kind of can’t be on our priority list.

Not that you need to be, of course.

Your DH lacks empathy. Perhaps he should take a look outside his own little privileged world.

Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway)

We have a decent house and garden, variety of walks/cycle/bridle paths, etc and are currently secure as well. But we also have children who are missing their lives and their friends and not enjoying working at home. I'm still going into the school to watch KW children or working from home. My DH is working from home. And now we have to worry about reopening schools without clear safety measures for staff, guidelines for what it will look like, is it safe? Is it sensible? Is it fair?

YANBU, your feelings are absolutely valid.

As someone said to me the other day ‘someone else’s broken leg doesn’t make your stubbed toe hurt any less’. Even millionaires with all their family will be feeling the pressure, we’re comfortable and lucky enough to have DM here to look after DC but it still feels tough some time.

Of course it’s ok! Your feelings are how you feel and are valid.

look at celebrities, most have loads of money and on the outside at least a decent life, how many commit suicide.

I have a good life money, own business etc etc but I’ve had rough times just like anyone else, the months after my DD stillbirth were a particular low point.

At the minute with this Covid situation it’s effecting us all, healthy or not, rich or poor. We can’t see family, we can’t just ‘pop’ out for fun or a drink in the pub, we don’t how what economy we will have left, people are worried about children’s schooling. Most people right now are worrying about something

Thank you for posting this OP. I've been grappling with the same question and every time I feel low I feel I have to tell myself off as I am so much more fortunate than many. Rural, garden, nice walks on the doorstep, no immediate money worries etc. but I worry how we'll ever get out of this, the deaths, our own future prospects, the prospects of the economy and much more. For someone who is generally strong, I feel fragile all the time. OP your feelings are yours and they are very valid. Take care .

Tiredofbeintired Mon 11-May-20 10:30:08
Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.
...........

Whoever said that to you was totally out of order. Feeling 'down' happens to everyone regardless of worldly status. Everyone will face difficulties in life - illness, bereavement, heartbreak. Being relatively well off will not stop someone being in a car accident, miscarrying or losing their husband/wife.

Honestly, some people amaze me with what comes out of their mouths.

Iam that is just your parents experience, it certainly is not representative of everyone! I happen to have relatives and friends that also were here in the war, and they all agree this has been worse for them. They are lonely and isolated. The risk of death is still present. Just because the rubble happens to be the economy, jobs and homes does not make it any less painful.

I should think a marriage that does not contain honesty, feeling and integrity, is pretty useless to boot. Putting on a show for her husband is something straight out of the 1950s housewife handbook! What is wrong with being genuine, open and allowing a meaningful, honest connection take place?

Silencing feelings will lead to more severe mental health problems, I hope op has someone she can talk to.

@Oceangirl82 that was really helpful.

OP you should be able to be completely honest about your feelings to your DH.

We have a similar split of how we feel in this house. The difference is that DH encourages me to cry when I need it.

We’ve just celebrated the anniversary of D day. Whilst it is natural to feel fed up in the current set of circumstances (which, compared to what living through WW2 must have been like, is almost nothing), I think that we’re all losing the skill of putting on a brave face and getting on with it for the sake of other people.

Many people came out of the war utterly traumatised. There was no counselling then for people who had witnessed or been through horror. They were expected do the "putting on a brave face and getting on with it" thing to the detriment of their mental health, which had repercussions for the rest of their lives and for their families. Thankfully, we are more enlightened now and it is OK to admit you are struggling.

OP I am in a similar situation to you in that I have a house and a garden and my income isn't affected at the moment. Some days I find it really hard going and feel very down and scared for us all.

YANBU. We are in a similar situation to you, and I also have found myself feeling low (and then feeling guilty for feeling low because we really are very lucky with space and economic stability). Being fortunate does not change the fact that this whole situation is abnormal and distressing on a macro level. Hundreds of thousands are dying. Billions are in lockdown. The global economy is in serious jeopardy. The degree of uncertainty on a global scale is unprecedented in our lifetime. Everyone is suffering right now.

Having said all of that, I will say it is a bit tone deaf for the very wealthiest and most fortunate to pretend that they are in the same boat as the average person. It is okay to acknowledge you are having a hard time, but I can see how irritating it is for multimillionaires who are sheltering in place with live-in staff like chefs, nannies, cleaners, and tutors to be sagely doling out advice for dealing with the virus, like their situation is even remotely close to the average person’s. It’s not a suffering olympics, but there is a balance to be struck.

You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you? It was on every channel. During the war people hugged, they danced, they sang together, they had parties and celebrations to keep their spirits up. They cried together, and yes the war was horrible, but they knew what they were dealing with. The lack of touch, company and support is exactly what makes this crisis worse than others

This is actually offensive. I grew up hearing about the war and the houses that my parent was bombed out of and the people who they knew who were killed and the times that the bombs dropped and the neighbours didn't make it including the time that the V2 dropped and my parent's family survived in their shelter and they emerged to find that their neighbours (including small children) hadn't? And for the children sent away to live with strangers, there was no hugging and kissing - and many were ill-treated and abused. I've read some stupid things today, but I have to say that this is up there.

My mother is in her 90s. I can't see her. She has dementia, but even she thinks that the fussing about a few weeks inside is a load of old rot compared with what she went through in the war.

Everyone's entitled to their feelings and poor MH affects everyone. However, I do find it jarring when privileged people complain about stuff without acknowledging the fortune of their position. It depends on how it is done.

yet That is just one view, many do not agree at all! Ask the person that has had their family ravaged by corona if they feel any less traumatised because it was not a bomb that killed them?
The coronavirus death toll is horrific, with no end in sight. I find your post pretty offensive. Wars were traumatic, but so is this!

Thank you for all the replies. Before posting this I thought I’ll either get torn to shreds or there will be a mix but very surprised to see most people are saying it’s ok to feel like this. So glad I posted now. As it goes I’m feeling much better right now and ready to power on through week 8. Hope everyone else out there is fine too - I think I’ll just speak to my sister on the phone next time!

Privilige does not mean never being allowed to feel sad or hard done by, it just as it doesn't mean you don't deserve everything you have.

It's not on to be sad in a way that rubs your privilege in the face of someone who doesn't have it, but 'Oh! I'm so sad I can't go to my 3 holiday homes and I'm stuck on my 20 acres in the countryside in only a 6-bedroom house!' is different from 'I'm really worried about my job security and the long-term effects on my family', which you can be worried about whatever you have.

It is an awful time for everyone, I'm sure there are lots of things you'd like improved through this situation, we can all think of something, whoever we are.
Ignore the daft person, and hope you pick up soon.

Of course it's OK OP. The world is a very worrying place at the moment and no one is completely immune to these concerns however privileged or financially secure they are. Also even the people who seem in the best position will have sadnesses and misfortunes in their past. This virus seems to have brought out the best and worst in many people. I'm in a similar position to you OP but in the past few weeks I'm been told by "friends" that the pandemic doesn't affect me for so many random reasons such as my marriage, my home ,my daughters academic record. Honestly you couldn't make it up. When all this is over I will definitely still be socially distancing from some of these people. Real friends don't behave like this.

Biscuit0110 medicated

Sorry you had these comments - I hate the policing of other people's thoughts.

I've had a few people tell me I have nothing to worry about as my husband and I are relatively financially stable. We still have a toddler, no garden and live in a city with limited park access. And I'm pregnant with gestational diabetes and getting limited healthcare support. I can't help feeling down and anxious - especially at the idea I'll be dealing with a newborn and a 3 year old both at home which was never the plan.

Feel however you feel and don't listen to the
Emotion police! This is a tough time for everyone, each in very different ways.

Hugs xxxx

@Biscuit0110:

“You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you? It was on every channel. During the war people hugged, they danced, they sang together, they had parties and celebrations to keep their spirits up. They cried together, and yes the war was horrible, but they knew what they were dealing with. The lack of touch, company and support is exactly what makes this crisis worse than others.”

Complete and absolute rubbish. This has been FAR worse than world wars?! Having sons, brothers and fathers sent off, unwillingly, to fight and die or be traumatised? A war which went on for years, not the few months we’ve had of this?

Unbelievable.

I felt really sad when the twin towers were attacked - didn't know anyone affected but still upset me at the time. Of course you can feel down - l am the same as you, nice house & garden and financially ok but am still sad about the whole situation. Don't feel bad for caring xx

OP I hope you are doing okay and I'm another saying that this situation is unprecedented and bound to destabilise us.

Rightly or wrongly, over the last say 50 years, we have been encouraged and indeed educated to improve our mental health and to recognise that suppressing valid feelings without processing them can lead to poor long term outcomes not just personally but for those around you.

We have also experienced for the most part, a sense of stability and been encouraged to achieve goals like careers, home ownership, self-improvement - these things have fuelled and built the economy. All of this is at risk from something invisible and possibly life threatening. Just sucking it up is hardly realistic.

The comparisons to WW2 are somewhat irrelevant - in this case to survive this "war" we are being expected to change everything that makes us human. Puritanical self-denial has been removed from our make-up because we have lived - and been encouraged to do so - in a time of relative peace and plenty. So much of our lives and work is rooted in social interaction and we have gone from being advised to take a break from the online virtual world to embracing it totally.

In WW2 we knew exactly who the enemy was, what they were doing to us, and physical risks had much clearer solutions. Now we have a bunch of mixed messages, guidelines and the enemy is invisible but could be lurking in anyone you have contact with - this is utterly different and fear of the unknown is a powerful psychological force.

Everyone is different and it's perfectly possible to have a range of valid emotions. Some people are hardwired to be "in control" and "logical" at all times - for some it becomes a badge of honour to demonstrate this even though deep inside they may not feel it, and it makes those around wary and likely to turn inward, as they feel inadequate.

Wailing and beating one's breast is not healthy, but neither is denial of ones true feelings - talking and processing can put things in perspective. Ongoing uncertainty and the feeling of having no control in a stressful situation leads to CPTSD if not managed sympathetically.

I wish you well OP and you are not alone