Is it ok to feel low if you’re ‘privileged’

[Tiredofbeintired]

Yesterday I was told that I have no right to feel down about everything going on at the moment because I’m in a better situation than most. Big house, big garden, lots of varied rural walks about and financial security (for now anyway). I haven’t felt low for much of lock down - a few days at most and it did not impact on anyone else.

I expressed that I felt a bit down/anxious yesterday and was asked what exactly I had to feel down about. I said it is a mix of worrying about the future (job stability/economy), hearing sad individual stories of people who have lost loved ones, worry about elderly lonely relatives, concerned about stats and the nhs. Mostly general unease about the uncertainty of it all. The person told me I haven’t been directly impacted so should not feel emotionally affected by the situation.

Just wondering how common this view point is? Is it not ok to feel low occasionally because I’m one of the luckier ones? The person saying this is in the exact same boat as me and is enjoying lock down at the moment.

I feel the same, @Tiredofbeintired

On paper - no reason to be worried, fine for money, fresh air and food. I've had to slow down on my PhD whilst DS (9) is off school, and whilst this is frustrating, the uni have put funds and extensions in place to mitigate any lost time. I know I'll be ok, but I feel constantly behind. DP is great, does his share, DS is a bit lovely, has too much screen time but is generally ok in himself.

None the less, I am coming apart at the seams a bit, fed up of the self-imposed structure that is necessary M-F to ensure both DP manage a fair share of the working day/schooling. Fed up of not knowing what's going to happen. Worried about my friends and family and those who are really struggling (whilst green eyed with jealously at a friend who is a key worker but not front line with a furloughed husband at home whose 2 kids are in school but still bends the rules).

I had been feeling ok, more or less, but yesterday's shit show announcement and no clear promise of a return to school has left me feeling seriously low.

So yes, hugs and solidarity.

YukoandHiro Mon 11-May-20 13:03:23
Sorry you had these comments - I hate the policing of other people's thoughts.

I've had a few people tell me I have nothing to worry about as my husband and I are relatively financially stable. We still have a toddler, no garden and live in a city with limited park access. And I'm pregnant with gestational diabetes and getting limited healthcare support. I can't help feeling down and anxious - especially at the idea I'll be dealing with a newborn and a 3 year old both at home which was never the plan.

Feel however you feel and don't listen to the
Emotion police! This is a tough time for everyone, each in very different ways.

Hugs xxxx
.......
Hugs back to you! A very good post. You're doing great in the circumstances and the current situation will eventually end.

People will feel bad regardless of their circumstances and nobody else is in a position to judge them

Would being a millionaire stop someone having an aggressive cancer? No. They would be able to afford the best treatment, and might be exploited in the process, but they will still die.

Let us all just concentrate on ourselves and our own and not be bothered about the circumstances of others - unless they need our help of course, everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.

You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you?

complete bollocks

Living in fear of someone smashing your front door to take you away, living next to a police station where you could hear the screaming of the interrogations, living in fear of being snatched in the street and sent to camp, living in fear of receiving news that your male friends and relatives had been killed, not finding enough food for your kids if you were living in cities, bombings, execution, hostage...

Do you even have any idea whatsoever what WW2 meant for most people?

I won't even insult the jewish community, or the travellers/gay etc.. community by reminding you what life was during the world war.

You should be embarrassed about yourself Biscuit0110

Of course it's okay to feel low despite 'privilege'.

We're in the health reasons to stay at home category. So far my husband's employer has been exemplary with the promise of holding his job open until such time as it's safe for him to return to work. But if they change their minds he's close enough to retirement and we're financially stable enough for him to be able to resign. We live in a lovely, spacious flat and I have a sea view if I go out of the front gate.

But we have no-one to look out for us if we become ill. We've both lost our lifestyle. We've missed out on events, gigs and weekends away that we'd booked. I miss walking into town to have coffee or lunch with friends. I can source what we need online and buy it that way, but I miss hunting round local shops.

We're worried about catching the virus because neither of us would be likely to have a happy outcome. My brother and my best friend were both in hospital with it and I said goodbye to them the same afternoon. Luckily they both survived, but a former colleague of 14 years and her husband have both died.

How does the size of my home or my bank balance compensate for any of that?

You do know that the people that actually lived through the world war(s) all said this pandemic is far worse don't you? It was on every channel. During the war people hugged, they danced, they sang together, they had parties and celebrations to keep their spirits up. They cried together, and yes the war was horrible, but they knew what they were dealing with. The lack of touch, company and support is exactly what makes this crisis worse than others.

Dear God, what a load of horse shit.

Yes ... just realise that you're pretty fucking lucky and don't expect sympathy from those worse off than you... be sensitive with those who really have it shit OK?
I've got women in our refuge who have broken bones, 4 kids and no money/garden/kitchen.
Choose the receptacle of your moan with care.

Honestly, comparing WW2 and this situation is very apples and oranges.

WW2 was awful, tragic, and traumatic for those involved - correct.

This pandemic is also awful, tragic and traumatic for those affected - also correct.

This argument over who had / is having it worse in these two very different scenarios is pointless and just makes those feeling low feel worse and somehow at fault for having quite natural feelings in this unprecedented situation.

Yes ... just realise that you're pretty fucking lucky and don't expect sympathy from those worse off than you... be sensitive with those who really have it shit OK? I've got women in our refuge who have broken bones, 4 kids and no money/garden/kitchen. Choose the receptacle of your moan with care.

OP did acknowledge she was fortunate, pretty sure she isn't going into refuges telling them how hard she has it.

It's fine and understandable to feel low, privilege doesn't stop worrying,

During the war people hugged, they danced, they sang together

I still wonder what musical that was, and how people manage to confuse movies with historical facts

But when I hear "we are all in this together" or people complaining about people who dared to take their kids outside with a ball from their cramped 1 bed council flat in a tower block I get very annoyed. I am also annoyed when privileged people state nobody needs to shop more than once a week forgetting about those without cars, or who don't own freezers and only have tiny fridges.

just realise that you're pretty fucking lucky and don't expect sympathy from those worse off than you.

I wouldn't call anyone stuck in the middle of a pandemic "lucky".
Less unlucky possibly...

Yes ... just realise that you're pretty fucking lucky and don't expect sympathy from those worse off than you

Given OP's post communicates strongly her awareness of her privilege I don't think she needs that advice.

Choose the receptacle of your moan with care

She chose her DH. That's pretty careful.

Those of us working in health and social care and similar probably can all detail the horrors we are seeing the most vulnerable groups go through, but to do so on this thread seems a bit like saying to the op "yes, your DH is right, how dare you feel bad when others have it worse?"

Yes ... just realise that you're pretty fucking lucky and don't expect sympathy from those worse off than you... be sensitive with those who really have it shit OK? I've got women in our refuge who have broken bones, 4 kids and no money/garden/kitchen. Choose the receptacle of your moan with care

Why comment that?
OP already more than acknowledged she had a good life is many ways but is just struggling at the moment, I highly doubt her hobby is coming to your refuge to moan to the women there.

Everyone can struggle mentally
Period of being low/ depression can effect anyone. Like cancer and Covid it doesn’t discriminate on rich or poor I’m afraid

Just because someone is worse off does NOT mean you are not allowed to struggle, it does NOT mean you can’t talk about how you feel

oneandtwenty ... you obviously haven't seen the posts in MN where people have the audacity to boast that they are "quite enjoying Lockdown... that's bloody offensive.

P1nkHeartLovesCake
No one is suggesting she would do anything so stupid as complaining about how hard her life is to women in refuge ... and yes it is ok to feel self pity ... I feel it all the time ... my response was clearly about being careful who you vocalise that to.

IMO you have every reason for feeling low (even without covid) Unless the whole world starts really trying to clean\green up the environment. Globalisation needs to be rolled back ,which would help with everything. (of course it will affect jobs) Polluting companies need help to green up, if not how much longer have we all got in the world as it is?

i feel low when I think about it. I do keep going on. DH sort of understands but it's just such an enormous problem that he doesn't really want to think about it.

It's an obvious choice to come on a forum like this to moan when it is filled with other privileged people who also struggle with their middle class guilt.
Perfect place to moan.
Let's face it we could all be busy at work ... aren't we lucky to have all this time on our hands and some of us are getting paid for it.
On that note some of us have work to do ... lunch over

oneandtwenty ... you obviously haven't seen the posts in MN where people have the audacity to boast that they are "quite enjoying Lockdown... that's bloody offensive.

why is that offensive? They are allowed to. They are not in charge and decided to impose a lockdown for their own entertainment, they are living through it the same as everybody else.

Why wouldn't they enjoy it? Being miserable doesn't help anyone.

I am not loving it, I am begrudging people who are.

Grendlsmother
many people are working much longer hours, not everybody is on a paid holiday!

Sometimes when we express our emotions people find it uncomfortable, and have to either fix it or dismiss/minimise it.

Things affect us all in different ways - it's a huge amount of change for anyone to process, and I think many of us have had big wobbles/weeps/breakdowns/dips in mood, even if mentally healthy, physically healthy and yes, fortunate and lucky.

I wonder if it would be worth trying to explain how his reaction was

1. Unfair
2. Nonsense

and 3. Upsetting, minimising and dismissive

might be worth a try?

Hope you're feeling better today, OP.

Well, there’s no denying the violin gets smaller the more privileged you are. That’s also a normal human emotion one shouldn’t feel guilty about. A disparity of circumstances naturally limits the capacity for empathy. I’m with your DH on this. On the other hand, you shouldn’t require the input of strangers to validate how you feel.

I'm glad that some people are coping with lockdown and even finding something positive in it. I'm sad that many people aren't and hope things can emerge to help them.

The only thing I find "offensive" is those who say "I'm doing lockdown like a champ and if you aren't you're less worthy".

This is not a competition as the Pooh post beautifully illustrates. I rather like the mantra if you can't say anything nice, say nothing.

Another of my favourite cliches is "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" - acknowledging someone's feelings, comforting them and offering constructive advice in a way that makes a person feel empowered and less hopeless is surely a better method than telling themselves to pull themselves together because others have it worse, which just adds another layer of guilt and shame to already problematic feelings.

On the other hand, you shouldn’t require the input of strangers to validate how you feel.

Well she isn’t getting validation from her husband is she? And it seems she shouldn’t be talking to anyone else about it...

How ridiculous. That reasoning can be applied to any situation given there's always someone in a better and worse position than you (except of course the two individuals/families at the polar ends haha).

We're in a flat so no garden but a homeless person would see that as a dream! At first I was jealous of anyone with a garden but stopped being daft and realised it's not a race to the bottom and I'm happy that many people have gardens. Plus we have opportunities for good walks nearby. It's all relative and don't for a second feel you're not entitled to a bad day, no matter what your dh says