OP are you smoking pot as well.
I used to do that. I too had depression and anxiety, in fact I have bipolar disorder. I was taking meds, which made no difference whatsoever because I was smoking pot. I used to sit up every night panicking about the future; about what a mess I was in; about my DS finding out I smoked pot; about the fact that I was depressed and anxious so I needed to smoke pot, but when I smoked pot it made me depressed and anxious. I didn’t feel better, I felt worse, but every day I’d be counting down the hours to when I could skin up, dreading the feeling when the high would hit but feeling like I couldn’t do without it. Sound familiar? Everything in my life was spiralling down and down, completely out of control. I’d throw my gear away, then panic and buy some more a few days later. I thought I had control over it because I could give up for a few days if I wanted, but it wasn’t control because I always knew I’d go back to it, and I could only not smoke if I had none, but if I had none I’d panic and count down the days till my resolve weakened and I bought more.
I know where you are OP because I’ve been there. I know the feeling of panic, fear and despair.
One night I broke down completely, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I couldn’t carry on the way I was. I had so many difficult things to deal with ahead of me that I knew if I was getting wasted each night, going to bed like a zombi and not getting enough sleep that I just wouldn’t make it through all the stuff I had to sort out. I realised that the control I thought I had was nothing of the sort, and I was just using it as an excuse not to stop.
I threw away my gear and I stopped. I just stopped. I had a few appointments with my local drug and alcohol support service but I didn’t really need them because I knew that I was done.
OP I have been so much better since then. MY MH has been so much better to the point where I don’t need meds anymore. I’ve had my moments where I’m tempted but I just remember the awful feeling I had every night, the sinking feeling as I’d spark up my first spliff and I just think no, I don’t like that feeling, I don’t want that feeling and I don’t want to go through all that again.
My life is so much better now OP. I managed to sort out all the really difficult scary things I was afraid to face and my life is on the up, and I could only do that because I ditched the thing that was holding me back. You can do it too OP, you just need to take it one night at a time. It’s really not as hard as you think it will be. Imagine a night without that sinking feeling, the hours sat listening to your brain wurring around picking apart all the bad and desperate things? You can have that, and all you need is just to stay dry, stay clean, for one night, then the next night. Pretty soon you’ll get used to being clean and sober and you’ll realise you feel better. Then when you feel better you’ll realise that it was the booze and the pot that was making you feel awful, and like me you’ll recoil with fear at the thought of ever feeling that way again.
It’s true OP, I promise it’s true.