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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU we have always drank alcohol DH is now “giving it up”

163 replies

LennyPugGoat · 10/05/2020 23:58

I’m on so many meds for anxiety and depression, I know alcohol doesn’t help, but right now for me it does for me In my mind.
We have been in lockdown for so long, he can wfh, I can’t. Today it was announced no more alcohol, I’ve had a drink tonight but it’s not the same alone.

I haven’t left the house for weeks on end, I’m an introvert, I’m worried about the next 3 weeks.... Aibu to think now is n0t the time to change long standing routines?

OP posts:
Frozenfan2019 · 11/05/2020 08:36

Alcohol is a bugger, giving us a false lift out of our depression when in fact it is actually causing the depression

Very very true.

Did you know that around 50% of us are introverts. It's not weird, it's perfectly normal. You can live without alcohol, you will find you have more time to persue hobbys It doesn't matter what I say though. I haven't read the book mentioned earlier which sounds great but I have read "this naked mind" which I thoroughly recommend. Do you have a Kindle? Why not download one or both of those books now and have a go at reading.

Your drinking will be affecting your meds. I'm on antids and I know that horrendous gut wrenching feeling the morning after I've drunk. It definitely makes it worse.

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/05/2020 08:43

OP are you smoking pot as well.

I used to do that. I too had depression and anxiety, in fact I have bipolar disorder. I was taking meds, which made no difference whatsoever because I was smoking pot. I used to sit up every night panicking about the future; about what a mess I was in; about my DS finding out I smoked pot; about the fact that I was depressed and anxious so I needed to smoke pot, but when I smoked pot it made me depressed and anxious. I didn’t feel better, I felt worse, but every day I’d be counting down the hours to when I could skin up, dreading the feeling when the high would hit but feeling like I couldn’t do without it. Sound familiar? Everything in my life was spiralling down and down, completely out of control. I’d throw my gear away, then panic and buy some more a few days later. I thought I had control over it because I could give up for a few days if I wanted, but it wasn’t control because I always knew I’d go back to it, and I could only not smoke if I had none, but if I had none I’d panic and count down the days till my resolve weakened and I bought more.

I know where you are OP because I’ve been there. I know the feeling of panic, fear and despair.

One night I broke down completely, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I couldn’t carry on the way I was. I had so many difficult things to deal with ahead of me that I knew if I was getting wasted each night, going to bed like a zombi and not getting enough sleep that I just wouldn’t make it through all the stuff I had to sort out. I realised that the control I thought I had was nothing of the sort, and I was just using it as an excuse not to stop.

I threw away my gear and I stopped. I just stopped. I had a few appointments with my local drug and alcohol support service but I didn’t really need them because I knew that I was done.

OP I have been so much better since then. MY MH has been so much better to the point where I don’t need meds anymore. I’ve had my moments where I’m tempted but I just remember the awful feeling I had every night, the sinking feeling as I’d spark up my first spliff and I just think no, I don’t like that feeling, I don’t want that feeling and I don’t want to go through all that again.

My life is so much better now OP. I managed to sort out all the really difficult scary things I was afraid to face and my life is on the up, and I could only do that because I ditched the thing that was holding me back. You can do it too OP, you just need to take it one night at a time. It’s really not as hard as you think it will be. Imagine a night without that sinking feeling, the hours sat listening to your brain wurring around picking apart all the bad and desperate things? You can have that, and all you need is just to stay dry, stay clean, for one night, then the next night. Pretty soon you’ll get used to being clean and sober and you’ll realise you feel better. Then when you feel better you’ll realise that it was the booze and the pot that was making you feel awful, and like me you’ll recoil with fear at the thought of ever feeling that way again.

It’s true OP, I promise it’s true.

category12 · 11/05/2020 08:49

I think your partner is trying to tell you that alcohol is a problem in the relationship. I think you need to speak to your GP and you need to stop self-medicating with alcohol and pot.

Speak to the Samaritans if you're feeling desperate. I hope you turn things round Flowers.

Hagbeth · 11/05/2020 09:02

This will not get better with the substance abuse continuing. It’s going to get worse. Also, you’re mixing medicine with alcohol which can have surprising effects. To me it sounds that your DH is quitting in despair of your abuse. You got to put your children first., not the alcohol. You do sound like an alcoholic with an endless stream of excuses.

lowlandLucky · 11/05/2020 09:02

OP i dont think know is the time to stop, however i think it is time to cut down and i think you know that as well. You need to talk to your DH and explain how you feel, tell him how frightened you are, ask for his help.
Never mind 5.pm, tonight you wait until 6.pm and go to bed at 10, if you drink spirt/wine and mixer add more mixer. You will see nothing bad happens in those 2 extra alcohol free hours. Next Monday 18th you wait until 7, life will be fine, on Monday 25th 8pm and one drink, life is good. Monday 1st June a new month, the month where you dont drink every day, choose your 2 days this week for a drink. Monday the 8th your on to one drink a week and life is so good, your DH has his wife bcak and your children have their Mum back. Enjoy your new life. All of the best luck in the world x

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/05/2020 09:04

OP, I think you do need to look at this differently.
You obviously are or at least were a good DW and DM.
It seems to me that your DP wants to take you back to those days and hopefully the days when you were happy. I think you should see his actions as support to get you back to these days.
You may feel you hide it, but the situation must be very distressing for everyone in your household.
I think your first job is to love and take care of yourself. You need to go back to your doctor and take steps to deal with your problems with substance abuse and see if the meds are ineffective or even counter productive in this situation.

Leflic · 11/05/2020 09:04

Why not just have drinking limited to one night a week.Have whatever you want to drink but only this Friday.

It means you still feel virtuous but not that you’ve had “ to give up alcohol”. It’s also easy to stick to rather than weekends only or just one glass.
Once you can do without it every night you do feel more in control and that filters through to other things in your life.

oohnicevase · 11/05/2020 09:12

The alcohol will make everything ten times worse .. every 24 hours you are having massive highs and lows ( from the medication and alcohol) .. giving it up is the best thing you can do ..
My mum is the same and frankly it drives me crazy because she can help herself but won't and we all suffer when she nose dives ..

EverdeRose · 11/05/2020 09:17

If sounds like your DH is worried about you and hoping that by stopping drinking he encourages you to do so too.

You sound unbelievably stressed and as you said you have anxiety and depression. May be instead of using alcohol as a coping mechanism you should go back to the doctors for a medication review, you sound like you need an increased dosage or a different tablet.

CallmeAngelina · 11/05/2020 09:25

Every now and again my dh tries to pull a stunt like this, usually at the start of a new week. I tell him he's welcome to crack on, as I pour my glass of wine at 6pm. He usually caves by Wednesday.

Northernsoullover · 11/05/2020 09:27

@Leflic its actually easier to stop drinking completely than to try and limit it. Also its not 'giving up' anything even though I sometimes use the phrase myself. Its gaining freedom from alcohol. Life is so much better without it. I do absolutely everything I used to do, which includes dancing, relaxing, doing stupid stuff.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 11/05/2020 09:30

We have cut down during lockdown as I was getting bad anxiety when I was hungover.Like pp said your dh is stopping drinking in the hope that you do too.
Years ago I got into the habit of only feeling relaxed if I saw a bottle of vodka and bottles of tonic in the fridge.I had my first (triple) vodka and tonic with my dinner when I got home from work then continued through the evening.It was a slippery slope and thankfully that's the only time I've been close to a drinking problem.You are clearly not happy please try and cut down for the sake of your MH and your family.

Aridane · 11/05/2020 09:34

Oh sweetie - I was about to say YABVU for not wanting DH to give up alcohol. You are self medicating g with alcohol - can you pluck up the courage to book a teleph9ne appointment with your GP to explain how you are feeling and ask perhaps for a medication review. Better a tweak in your medication than hammering the booze

Flowers
amber763 · 11/05/2020 09:37

Goodness I'm sorry you're feeling so low OP but I think you need to talk to your GP again urgently and they may want to change your medication. Suicidal thoughts need to be addressed especially on antidepressants. You really need to not drink on that kind of medication either and if you're struggling with the thought of it you should also explain that to your GP as it sounds like you have a drink problem also . I agree with a PP that it sounds like your husband is concerned about this and this is his way of encouraging you to stop. You need to find other things to do together. Play daft games, watch a movie and just don't buy drink! Please take care of yourself Flowers

HebeMumsnet · 11/05/2020 09:37

Morning, OP!

Hope you're ok today. We're sorry to hear things have been so tough for you at the moment. You're definitely not alone.

We just thought we'd nip in and send you a link to some of our mental health resources. There are lots of numbers there you can call for help and support if things are getting a bit much.

Do pop back and let us know how you are, anyway.

Inthepurplerain · 11/05/2020 09:52

Op, you sound like you need to talk to a professional. Professionals help you solve problems like this, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Alcohol/ cigarettes etc don’t change your problems. They eventually enhance them.

Good luck!

pointythings · 11/05/2020 10:00

OP, your DH is giving up alcohol as a cry for you to recognise that you're not coping. You're using alcohol and possibly pot to cope with your mental health problems - but both these things make all those issues worse as well as interfering with your medications.

Now is the time for you to acknowledge that you need more help. Call your GP and be brutally honest about how bad things are, including your suicidal thoughts. You deserve and need support.

Rabblemum · 11/05/2020 10:04

Stop drinking now. Alcohol is a serious drug and you’re mixing it with other strong drugs, that’s dangerous. Your husband is looking out for your mental health, be grateful you have people who care for you.

DysonFury · 11/05/2020 10:06

I am on lots of strong meds for severe depression and anxiety (long term), BPD amongst other things. I am a lone Mother of DD6. The hardest thing I have found during lockdown is filling the void inside me. I've tried everything but I have (and have had since childhood) this unfillable void, which nothing can fix (it was a relief to discover this is common with BPD). Anyway I digress. I have lockdown extremely hard and am having to find ways simply to get through it. Gardening and drinking wine (never more than half a bottle and I'm not even squiffy) are the only things aside from social media getting me through. I don't normally drink and will ditch this habit once DD is back at school, I can see my doctor and exercise more.
Whatever gets you through this as long as it hasn't a negative impact on anyone else. Flowers

MizMoonshine · 11/05/2020 10:13

Drinking alcohol is literally like pouring petrol all over your anxiety.

I have a drinking problem. I also have horrendous anxiety. I have always used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with my MH.

Since finding out I was pregnant in December, I haven't been drinking and have cut back massively on my caffeine intake. As a consequence of this, I have had about 5 panic attacks in total. I was having more than that a week previously.

If you want to drink because you want to drink, you enjoy it and it relaxes you of an evening then you're a grown up and it's your choice. Do not delude yourself though. It is not helping you. It does not make anything better and it's probably a massive contributing factor to how you're feeling right now.

As for your partner, you ARE being unreasonable to want him to drink with you for your benefit if he's decided he wants to stop for his. You can't ask someone to drink poison if they don't want to.

AnotherMurkyDay · 11/05/2020 10:26

Alcohol is a depressant, so it will be making you depressed. It also gives you a dopamine hit, which makes you feel good first, but ultimately it makes you depressed.

Nicotine is a stimulant, so it will be making you anxious/stressed. It also gives you a dopamine hit, which makes you feel good, but this is incredibly short lived and then your back to being anxious/stressed.

They also both impact your sleep quality which means that you don't process your life properly through the sleep stages.

They are poor coping strategies, but they are your coping strategies right now. Try and develop some more strategies and you might find you need those less. Exercise, hobbies, studying, cleaning, doesn't matter what your alternatives are. Some people give up smoking and take up knitting. Others give up drinking and take up weight lifting. But eventually these can become your "go to" above the strategies you have now of alcohol and smoking. And you start to rewrite your brain to move away from alcoholism, instead of towards it

AnotherMurkyDay · 11/05/2020 10:27

Re wire not re write

Isawamagpie · 11/05/2020 10:36

I doubt we will hear from op again, but if you do read this op, just want to send you virtual hugs and say there's some very great advice on here.

Ive read alot of the replies and they've really moved me, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who did reply to op and who shared thier stories, it was so lovely to see so much honesty and support. Theres been times I've felt so low and backed into a corner, it was a relief to see people writing such supportive messages to someone, rather than criticism and anger which I've come to expect from people, I hardly ever share my struggles because of the fear of the comment(s) that is/are negative that I will ruminate over.

Op clearly needed support in her moment and so many people gave it.

tara66 · 11/05/2020 10:53

Alcohol is so expensive and bad for the skin! You will be rich and beautiful if you give it up! Just try to cut down gradually - you'll hardly notice.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/05/2020 11:18

CallmeAngelina what happens if one day he doesn’t crack.

You seem so proud that you can get him to drink

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