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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wouldn't you know its Mother's Day so of course MIL drama

308 replies

Leaannb · 10/05/2020 21:40

Today my MIL called and decided that since our lockdown is ending on Tuesday it was time for her to make plans with my family. First she started in about my son's high school graduation which was originally planned for next weekend. It was cancelled a few weeks ago and they did a drive by graduation. Mil was informed of this by email by my son and myself. Of course we didn't get a reply. Needless to say she was upset that she missed it. Sorry for her but the island is closed until Tuesday so she couldn't attend anyway. She then stated she would be here next weekend to say goodbye to the same son because he was scheduled to leave for basic training next Monday. But due to Covid and early graduation he got offered the opportunity to leave earlier so he took it. He informed her once again by email and of course no reply. To be honest today is the first time we have heard from her since very early December when she got her knickers in a twist that we were going on vacation for the holidays. I don't understand that because we always go on vacation during Christmas holidays but anyway....Next thing on her agenda was wanting to visit around my DILs due date which was May 19th but she had her baby by c-section two weeks ago. Once again she was informed by email and no response.Obviously she is disappointed but what can I do. She then went on to say that she would be arriving on Island by Wednesday so she can meet the baby. I then told her that Son and DIl were following the advice of their OB/GYN not to introduce the baby for 12 weeks due to Covid and Kawasaki Disease and in fact has decided to keep all visitors away from baby until after the tourist season which is October. Which is completely understandable considering where we live,tourisim traffic and very iffy medical care at this time. She started to lose it but reined it in. Right until she asked me for photos of my granddaughter and my DIL's phome number. I politely informed her that I did not have permission from my son and Dil to share pictures and most definitely didn't have their permission to share phone numbers. I told her I would pass her number along to my son and dil and they would handle it as they see fit. Thats when she lost the plot freaked out and started yelling and screaming. I just sat down the phone and took my daughter to the beach for swimming and a picnic.....She definitely put a dark cloud on my Mother's Day

OP posts:
Idontwantthis · 10/05/2020 22:49

This is going right over my very English head.

monkeymonkey2010 · 10/05/2020 22:49

why are you so tolerant of her rudeness?
how about reminding her if she bothered to read and respond to her emails then she would be able to facilitate her own relationship with them.
she claims to be so interested yet her actions prove otherwise.

she's trying to get you all to revolve around her.....drop what you're doing and go running when she snaps her fingers!
Good on you for saying no re the pics, i'd be very pissed off if my MIL sent pics of my baby to someone who didn't actually give a shit but just wanted to play-act the doting grandma in front of others.

Megan2018 · 10/05/2020 22:50

@Leaannb

When my baby was horn my mother shared photos with all her extended family, as did my husband’s side. Because that is normal behaviour in families, you know where people actually like each other and behave like normal human beings. This is absolutely batshit.
But you crack on love, poor bloody child being born into your family. It’ll need therapy.

TiddlestheCat · 10/05/2020 22:51

You sound hard work OP. She's been self isolating and lonely too. Why could n't you just pick up the phone? And you're complaining that she ruined your mother's Day, but you were able to take your daughter to the beach. How do you think you left her feeling all day?!!

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 22:51

@Justcallmebebes...Once again I did nothing vile to her. She was kept informed of everything through the only way we have to communicate with her. Son sent her a photo of baby girl with the birth announcement. Its their responsibility to decide which photos to send to people and to decide who to send photos too. Not my child and not my decision. If I was being vile to her I wouldn't have offered to give them her number so they can call her

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 22:58

@TiddlestheCat....I did pick up the phone thats how I talked to her. She hasn't been isolating at all. I ve done more isolating than she has and I worked in Covid hot spot right up until I got Covid and after 3 weeks I was allowed back on island. She has spent the last 10 years traveling in her RV. The last time we spoke to her in November she was heading to Mexico City

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 10/05/2020 23:00

Good lord, just solve it by getting a stock photo off the web and sending it. 90% of babies look identical, how would she know? No breach in privacy for your son/DIL, problem solved.

Must say, I’m always perplexed by people being precious about baby photo’s. I understand a toddler or older child who could be identified by their photo but a generic baby pic where they look the same as a million and one other babies, meh.

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:00

@Meghan2018....Not my child and not my decision. Those decisions belong to the parents not the grandma. They did share a photo and it was ignored. I passed along her request to the parents thats all I can do

OP posts:
TiddlestheCat · 10/05/2020 23:00

Blimey, since when have families required permission to share family pictures with other family members??!! I mean FFS,this is beyond uptight!! It's not like posting pictures of strangers on public social media! Do you have to obtain written permission in your family? Do you have penalties for breaching the contract??

Tunnocks34 · 10/05/2020 23:01

Why would your son be arsed about you sending his grandma a photo of his baby and his phone number? Weird, proper weird.

I’d understand where you were coming from if this was like a great, great auntie or something.

Whole thing sounds odd to me to be honest. Doesn’t she have a house phone? Is it not a concern to anyone that an elderly, lonely relative doesn’t have a constant phone number? You can go months without speaking to her, not getting particularly concerned when she doesn’t reply to emails about important events either? I mean, if she died - how would you know?

HoppingPavlova · 10/05/2020 23:03

Also, if confirmed with your son that he had sent her the birth announcement which had a photo attached, then it’s pretty obvious that both he and your DIL were okay with her having this particular photo. Because they sent it to her. So why not just grab the photo from the birth announcement and send her that knowing they were okay with her having it (because they had sent it to her initially). I’m quite lost to be honest. Seems things are being made more difficult than needed.

feelingfragile · 10/05/2020 23:04

Is there an AIBU?

There doesn't seem to be any room for an opinion which differs from yours OP so I'm wondering if you posted in the wrong topic?

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:04

@Monkeymonkey2010....Exactly...Thats what Im hearing from Dil in Newmarket.No one wants to go out of their way for her when she has ignored everyone for years and years and years. Like I said we only hear from her when there is something exciting going on....Like my son's graduation,leaving for bootcamp, borth of a baby. She never wvwn congradulated my son and Dil for being pregnant. She never congradulated my other son when his promotion was granted by Congress. Silence. Complete silence from her end

OP posts:
TiddlestheCat · 10/05/2020 23:05

Hmmm.... Living on the Island? Fishing trips. Vancouver Island perhaps?

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:06

@Tunnocks34....No she doesn't have a house phone. She doesn't even have an address. She lives in her RV traveling around Canada,US and Mexico. We never know where she is at

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:07

@TiddlestheCat....Thats Canada. Im in the Oiter Banks in NC

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 10/05/2020 23:07

I can honestly say that I don't know anyone in rl who would be that precious over their mum or mil sending a picture of their child to great grandma. OP you sound like you're enjoying saying that she can't have one.

Justcallmebebes · 10/05/2020 23:07

Exactly! It's family for goodness sake. Why on earth is there so much angst about sending a photo of a great grand child to their great grand mother? Very strange

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:08

@HoppingPavlova...She already has that photo

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:09

@Bellsbuss....I didn't say she couldn't have one. I sent her request to the people who can make that decision for their child. That person is not me

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 10/05/2020 23:10

So she wanted pictures of the baby by email I presume? When she doesnt read and acknowledge one already sent to her? I mean what is the point on sending them to someone who clearly cares so little about the baby I mean if some one sent me a picture of a baby I would say how cute! Congratulations! Wrong person 🤷‍♀️ but you would get a response

allfalldown47 · 10/05/2020 23:11

You sound totally unhinged. Your poor mil

Justcallmebebes · 10/05/2020 23:12

And to think poster who says you sound brilliant for protecting your DIL's privacy. Just strange, very, very strange

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:12

@Justcallmebebes....Maybe the parents don't want her to have pictures of their baby when they never see her,never hear from her etc....

OP posts:
NagevMama · 10/05/2020 23:14

@Leaannb I wish my PIL were like you, and my DM! I love that you respect your son and DIL's privacy and autonomy. After the traumatic birth of my DS that had us next to an incubator for weeks, I came out of the hospital to find out everyone and all of Facebook had seen not only pictures of DS hooked up to multiple wires and tubes, but also very intimate birth pictures. These had been shared with FIL's work colleagues in a police station in the town I live and my mum's Facebook friends. I didn't even know they'd taken these pictures.
I felt horrified and it was part of what made my PND worse.