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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wouldn't you know its Mother's Day so of course MIL drama

308 replies

Leaannb · 10/05/2020 21:40

Today my MIL called and decided that since our lockdown is ending on Tuesday it was time for her to make plans with my family. First she started in about my son's high school graduation which was originally planned for next weekend. It was cancelled a few weeks ago and they did a drive by graduation. Mil was informed of this by email by my son and myself. Of course we didn't get a reply. Needless to say she was upset that she missed it. Sorry for her but the island is closed until Tuesday so she couldn't attend anyway. She then stated she would be here next weekend to say goodbye to the same son because he was scheduled to leave for basic training next Monday. But due to Covid and early graduation he got offered the opportunity to leave earlier so he took it. He informed her once again by email and of course no reply. To be honest today is the first time we have heard from her since very early December when she got her knickers in a twist that we were going on vacation for the holidays. I don't understand that because we always go on vacation during Christmas holidays but anyway....Next thing on her agenda was wanting to visit around my DILs due date which was May 19th but she had her baby by c-section two weeks ago. Once again she was informed by email and no response.Obviously she is disappointed but what can I do. She then went on to say that she would be arriving on Island by Wednesday so she can meet the baby. I then told her that Son and DIl were following the advice of their OB/GYN not to introduce the baby for 12 weeks due to Covid and Kawasaki Disease and in fact has decided to keep all visitors away from baby until after the tourist season which is October. Which is completely understandable considering where we live,tourisim traffic and very iffy medical care at this time. She started to lose it but reined it in. Right until she asked me for photos of my granddaughter and my DIL's phome number. I politely informed her that I did not have permission from my son and Dil to share pictures and most definitely didn't have their permission to share phone numbers. I told her I would pass her number along to my son and dil and they would handle it as they see fit. Thats when she lost the plot freaked out and started yelling and screaming. I just sat down the phone and took my daughter to the beach for swimming and a picnic.....She definitely put a dark cloud on my Mother's Day

OP posts:
snowybean · 10/05/2020 23:44

Did you ask them 'MIL has requested a pic, can I send one?' and they said no?

I appear to have missed some bits in this thread.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 10/05/2020 23:46

You sound like you don’t like her so you were being difficult.

Newjobnewstart · 10/05/2020 23:46

Oh ffs give the poor woman a photo what harm will it do? Honestly i would be horrified if i thought my mil didnt want to share photos of my kids incase it upset us. Part of being a grandparent is showing pics of and being proud.

Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:49

@Snowybean....I gave them her phone number for them to contact her and decide for themselves. Considering I just got a chinese delivery for them with the qords Thank You on the receipt I did the right thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:50

@NewJobNewstart....My son and dil made it explicitly clear they did not want people sharing pictures. They wanted to be the ones who decide who gets pictures and what pictures they get

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaannb · 10/05/2020 23:51

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal....Im being difficult because I respected my son and dil's decisions.....

.

OP posts:
DrReed · 10/05/2020 23:56

This whole thread is very strange. Sharing a photo with a great grandma is not the same as sharing on social media with all and sundry.

It doesn't sound like there's much love towards this lady, it sounds like your still in the military, not that she's family. No wonder she doesn't get in touch very often, why would she when she's treated like an outsider.

As for the 'her RV costs more than my 6 bedroom home with private beach', I mean wtf?

Newjobnewstart · 10/05/2020 23:57

Well maybe your son and dil neec to get over themselves

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/05/2020 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vehivle · 10/05/2020 23:59

I feel sorry for her. It sounds like at every attempt she made to be a part of your family, she was thwarted. I know those were circumstances out of your control. But as PP have said - if it were my MIL I'd have emailed in advance (especially stuff like the re-scheduled csection) to give her time to get the message or I'd have figured clearly she isnt accessing her emails and so would have tried another way of contact. Even if that meant writing to her. At least it would have shown a genuine effort on your part to include her in family events. And when she made contact, I'd have said I was sincerely sorry that due to corona she has missed these events and would have sympathised and tried to offer suggestions or other events or reasons for her to come visit - so she understood that you do want her to come visit and feel bad that she hasnt been able to. I also would have been apologetic about not feeling able to pass on the photos but would have offered to ask on her behalf.

I expect there is a back story here, but your responses to her sound like you couldnt give a shit, and your response to her final request sounded like you were being unhelpful for the hell of it. It is her mothers day too. Poor her I'd say.

BackforGood · 10/05/2020 23:59

@Snowybean....They told all of us not to share pictures through email and social media without their approval.

and you don't think it might have made sense to put this snippet in the opening post rather than at the end of P5 ?

This is obviously such a weird OP, and your dripping in snippets about the situation must be fun for you. Hope you are enjoying yourself.

saraclara · 10/05/2020 23:59

They told all of us not to share pictures through email and social media without their approval.

This baby is your MIL's own flesh and blood! I'm sorry, but MIL seems to be the only sane one among you.

MissConductUS · 11/05/2020 00:00

@Leaannb Hi - I'm another nurse who was on your early thread about your covid1-19 case. How are you feeling? Still fatigued, and did your appetite come back?

Happy mothers day and hoping you're feeling better.

Thegreymethod · 11/05/2020 00:02

This is so bizarre!! Can't ever imagine treating my family like that, I'd be really disappointed in my children if they refused to send my mum or MIL a photo of their newborn baby when she can't meet the baby for months!!
Sounds like your son inherited your attitude towards family members.
How would you have felt if they'd not sent you a photo?
Out of curiosity if it was your mum asking would you still act the same way?

Quillink · 11/05/2020 00:02

I'm surprised that you are getting such a hard time here. It sounds like a very difficult relationship with your MIL and that you have great respect for your kids' boundaries. Of course parents should decide who shares photos and others, including grandparents, need to ask first Confused My lovely MIL always respected our boundaries even when she disagreed. It was greatly appreciated and meant that I trusted her totally.

Leflic · 11/05/2020 00:03

No one wants stuff posted on social media without permission. That’s a given. However in no way is that the same thing thing as giving a family member a photo of their grandchild.
I don’t understand why you posted this thread either. The title is very mean spirited.
She hardly has anything to do with you ...complete opposite of someone needing drama.

Coyoacan · 11/05/2020 00:05

I'm so glad I live in Mexico and not the USA. Here any baby that has a great-grandmother is considered fortunate and I can't imagine anyone wanting to exclude such a person, especially when her only crime seems to be not answering her emails.

Personally as a mother, the more people that loved my child the better. And I do think the child will grow up wishing he/she had been allowed to get to know his great-grandmother.

Pitaramus · 11/05/2020 00:05

I think the way I’d have dealt with the request for for photos if I felt they weren’t mine to share is to have put more of a positive spin on it. “Oh you’d like some photos, how lovely, I’ll pass your number onto son and Dil so they can send some to you directly - I’m sure they’ll want to chose their favourites rather than have me do it”.

slipperywhensparticus · 11/05/2020 00:06

Personally I cant imagine not contacting my family for 6/7 months not answering emails which are the only way for them to contact me for 6/7 months then getting offended because people havent called a number I no longer have to give me information they have already emailed me

And people support this behaviour?

Mycatisthebest · 11/05/2020 00:07

“They told all of us not to share pictures through email and social media without their approval“
Why on earth did you not say this in your post at the beginning? I was another one who thought it very very strange that a great grandmother wouldn’t be able to get a picture of their own great grandchild!
You do sound like you are enjoying this whole situation.

flyingspaghettimonster · 11/05/2020 00:09

Yabu. I don't always get along with my in laws, but I don't go out of my way to be that cold towards them. Since you know she can't receive calls without calling first you should have given your son's number. He can always block her if he has your attitude towards her.

nettie434 · 11/05/2020 00:11

My son and dil made it explicitly clear they did not want people sharing pictures. They wanted to be the ones who decide who gets pictures

Leeannb I think if you had put that bit in your original post, then it would have made a difference to the replies. Now I understand why you felt you could only pass on her request.

It doesn’t sound as if she checks her email very often and it must be frustrating that she keeps on changing her phone but I haven’t got any suggestions about how to get round that given her lifestyle, unless she is on Facebook or another form of social media.

NagevMama · 11/05/2020 00:14

*Personally I cant imagine not contacting my family for 6/7 months not answering emails which are the only way for them to contact me for 6/7 months then getting offended because people havent called a number I no longer have to give me information they have already emailed me

Exactly! And for all the people saying it's weird to not want family to have a photo of their baby, it may not be about the great grandmother having a photo, but what she's likely to do with it. I am happy for my mum to have any photo of my DS, but I can rarely trust her not to put them on social media. So if someone else gave her a photo of him, I would be very annoyed because I know it'll be plastered over the Internet.

OgoPogo8 · 11/05/2020 00:15

Is there a reason you wouldn't share their phone number? That's the bit that strikes me as odd within a family (unless there's reason to think they wouldn't want to hear from her?)

DamnYankee · 11/05/2020 00:20

@Leaannb

A fellow damn yankee? You've got it! Love the history of the place.
Happy thoughts and congrats on the baby!