Honest Advice please

[emz771]

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

The only danger in helping out your nephew and neice is if they become reliant and entitled to your help. Their mum could be grooming them to become entitled cfers because that is how she is. The children need to be told that yes Aunty Emz is paying your £9k fees but you need to get a p/t job too.

I would put the rental money in an account or premium bonds & then use that to pay for university fees. That way your sister will be paying most of the fees rather than you, you're just managing the money. You know she won't or can't save so this is a good way to do it.

Been following for an update. No idea why everyone's giving you some much negativity ... maybe they've not been in a similar circumstance.

I've been the sister which needed the support. Single parent aged 20, working class parents who helped out as much as they could. 2 of 4 of my siblings are much more well off than myself. One of my siblings looked into purchasing a house for me to rent to get my DD & I away from drunks.

My personal circumstances improved & I have since purchased my first house. If it wasn't for my siblings I may not have got here.

I'm sure your sister will be very grateful for your support.

@BackAwayFatty I think the negativity is because people have been in similar situations. When you say 'personal circumstances improved' do you mean that you improved them? Or do you mean that you sat back and did the bare minimum while waiting for someone else to take responsibility and improve them for you? That is what OP's sister has done. She hasn't increased her work hours despite her children being teenagers and in school, she's continued spending more than she has getting into debt despite the OP giving her a free house so not having to pay rent or mortgage. And she's moved her partner in, choosing to let him save money and benefitting herself by pocketing his contribution rather than reimbursing OP at all. She isn't making any effort to recompense OP, nor presumably to save for her own children. I think most people in this situation would be working full time at the very least.

I don’t disagree my sister could work more - and to be honest in her situation I probably would.

Having said that - it would still only take her up to 30k a year ish. Nowhere near enough to rent a house in the south east and put two kids through uni.

So we will need to hell regardless.

Plenty of people put kids through uni on 30k/year . You will be enabling her and her kids for the rest of your life. I hope you never lose your money. She won't know what to do with herself without you to mooch off (probably find a man like her boyfriend). I'd be embarrassed to be such a scrounger.

I don’t see how you would live and put kids through uni on 30k a year. That would surely be the kids putting themselves through with student loans?

what’s wrong with taking out a student loan and having a part time job to put yourself through university?

Nothing is wrong with it - but veterinary school is circa 50k. Why would I want my niece to start life with that sort of debt if she didn’t have to? I love her.

Emz your heart is in the right place but by swooping in and paying uni fees/rent etc I'm not entirely sure you are enabling them to stand on their own 2 feet as adults

Wow they are total piss-takers. Well he is anyway. No idea what you do though!

Keep behaving like this op and you'll start having problems in your marriage sooner or later. Your DH is not impressed, he's just trying to keep it under control. You're enabling your sister and actively subsidising her lifestyle, to the point that she doesn't need to try harder. Even if you can afford it, you and your husband work for YOUR OWN family, not your sisters. Your nieces/nephews should find good example in their mother and aunt, not just the aunt, when it comes to hard work. You're not their mother.

Please don't take this the hard way. You can turn this around and encourage your sister to take more control of her life and provide more for her kids. Secretary or not.

I still can't understand how a salary of £16k with no maintenance can keep two kids at a private school. Even with no rent.

I love my children too emz but it doesn't mean I'm payingoff all their university fees and expenses. They need to learn the value of money at some point and understand that not everything is going to be handed to them on a plate. In the nicest possible way, your not understanding how people can manage to help out their children on a 30k income speaks volumes for how wealthy you must be. It's lovely that you want to use that to help support others but helping them doesn't always take the form of financially smoothing their path through life. I think putting money aside to help them in the future is a really good idea but be aware that it may be taken advantage of, in the same way that your sister took advantage of you.

She's likely coining it on tax credits, fish, and hasn't told the HMRC her boyfriend lives with her. She's got her sister and brother-in-law heavily subsidising her as well.

em, you enable those kids and you'll be supporting them forever. If I were your h I'd be utterly fucked off with them by now and growing increasingly more with you. Unless your h is Richard Branson, supporting three bloody people forever is money could be spent more wisely elsewhere. His goodwill might run thin in the near future.

Your sister is shockingly entitled.

It didn’t - at that point the father was still helping - until his latest venture failed.

I think this thread as digressed some what - but I don’t see anything wrong with helping our children in you can. In parts of the south east a one bedroom flat is 400k - needing a 60 deposit.

It’s sad - but the only way for a lot of people in many areas to get onto the property ladder is with the help of mum and dad.

The one thing that stands out for me on this thread more than anything is that you feel completely responsible for your sister financially. Does this feeling of responsibility stretch to other members of your family? Your mother? Father? Any other siblings?
I dont think I'd like to be in your DH's shoes, taking financial responsibility for my DW's family.

You are not their mum or dad but have been the victim of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for what's probably been your entire life.

As for DH - we helped his brother start a business - paid off his parents mortgage 7 years ago so they didn’t have to downsize. They are both very healthy - so can’t imagine we will see that money for 20 plus years.

This isn’t one sided on my side of the family.

Unbelievable she's paid NO rent for 3 years and has racked up debt and used another person to pay it off - can't believe her boyfriend allows her to use him like that. She's never taken financial responsibility for herself, so there's a high chance her kids will go the same way.

Did you not say your h's brother paid back the loan?

Yes brother did pay back the loan - parents agreement is to take from their estate. So it’s going to be a 30 year loan with the agreement of no interest.

Just making the point it’s not one sided.

But it is one sided. They borrowed the money from you, and have or will pay it back. If some disaster happened to you and your circumstances changed and you needed the money, they could (presumably) get it back to you. That isn't the case with your sister. You're giving her the money (or rather, you're not making a rental income on that property as you're letting her live there instead) and now you're talking of putting your niece/nephew through uni (50k) and talking about deposits on a £400k flat in London for them.. it's really not the same.

So for your side, your sister is going to pay you back all that rent and pay for her own kids to go to uni, seeing as that on his side the money came back or will do at one point? That's quite one sided. I cannot believe she billed you for the steaks! That just goes to show you how entitled she is.If I were your h I'd have lost my shit, too!

Everyone else loves their kids too .