Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 20:27

Thank you for the condescending “darling.”

Look I’ve been candid from the start and said I haven’t done things as I would advise.

As for a claim on the house? Text messages saved that states he will start paying rent from June 1st, regular payment of the same amount into our account each month? The judge would call me a silly girl for not having a tenancy agreement - but there isn’t a court in the land that would award him a share in the house.

OP posts:
Saranvenya · 10/05/2020 20:28

Well done OP good result.
I too would help out if I could ( and have) you know your relationship with your sister and as for teaching her lesson why would you if you can help and you know she's not a CF.

Luddite26 · 10/05/2020 20:29

Sorry read a few pages but missed update!!

Touchmybum · 10/05/2020 20:34

The first thing I'd be suggesting is that your sister get off her lazy backside and pay the credit card bills she's run up out of her earnings. How entitled does she have to be to think as a single mum this is all she is prepared to work? Or is she doing that to qualify for benefits as well? £500 would barely pay his share of the bills never mind rent in a location like that.

Someone isn't being upfront here but so long as you're happy OP. You mentioned somewhere that you didn't want to sell property as you will need that money for your kids in the future. You could also be saving this rent money...

Your sister aspires to a lifestyle she can't afford and I think you are trying to assuage your guilt that you can. Life sucks.

Tubs11 · 10/05/2020 20:45

Pay for the steaks and start charging them rent June 1st! And they are taking the piss. I would never do something like this to my sister. I'd have been thankful for the help and if my partner moved in, I'd have asked and then asked what rent he should pay. It's not rocket science!

Tubs11 · 10/05/2020 20:51

Scrap that - read through the thread
Glad it all worked out ok

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 20:51

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
rachaelclaire1 · 10/05/2020 20:52

Did she ask you if he could move in , if so should you not have had the conversation then.

Taking the mick

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 20:54

She did yes - and your right we should have had the convo then. That’s my fault.

OP posts:
elessar · 10/05/2020 21:08

@emz771 You said that she had used the £500 a month from him to pay off her CC debts. So it's not possible that his contribution can't have covered bills and food, if she had enough spare to pay off debts in the last 8 months.

Agree her circumstances don't sound ideal, but as others have said you have enabled her - in the time she's lived rent free off you she could have worked full time and saved a deposit for a house of her own, contributed more to a pension etc. She's perfectly capable of bettering her circumstances, but of course sees no need to as you and your family are clearly happy to pick up the slack.

@Itwasntme1 Sorry, a grown man goes through £200 of food per week - is that a joke? That's a ridiculous amount for one person (our food shop for 2 is half that a week, including alcohol and more expensive items like steak etc).

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 22:03

@elesssr that was a mistake I meant a month!! Sorry I did not mean to make you soooo angry with my sloppy typing😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 22:04

Step away from the keyboard, go into the back garden and space an in rage at my silly error

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 22:06

Actually if you read my message anyone would have realised I didn’t mean the food was more than £500. Breath and read twice before you fire off a message

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 22:07

And actually it’s me who needs to calm the fuck down. Why is one arsy message making me so angry? I need to get back to real life😂 sorry

Lifeisconfusing · 10/05/2020 22:10

Wow you all sound like lovely people. If only other family’s could come together like this. FlowersFlowers

angelfacecuti75 · 10/05/2020 22:30

You need to have a diplomatic but nice Frank conversation with your sister. Say , "Sister we need to talk. Let me say first that I love you dearly and wouldn't want anything to come between us. We let you stay in the property we own for free when you weren't in a position to pay rent and we felt this was the right thing to do. Now you are with a nice man and your income has gone up substantially because he is working. Now , you haven't offered us a penny . We never asked at first maybe out of embarrassment. But we could be making money on that house and your income has gone up . We could be making £1500 com on it. We are missing out on over 15k a year that could be used for other things like our children's future . We would never see you out on your ear, but you have a bloke now and you are on your feet. We were happy to help at first but now feel our kindness has been taken advantage of by both of you , no matter how much we love you. We would be happy to rent it out to you for £800 per month which is a loss of £700 for us. But we do feel a bit upset by it all. I'm sorry if we made it seem like the offer was unconditional but your circumstances have changed a lot. I know you might be angry or hurt. But please try and see it from our point of view."

angelfacecuti75 · 10/05/2020 22:30

Not com pcm*

1981m · 10/05/2020 23:23

Why is he paying the £1000 rent and not her?

I get what you're saying about the £500 but it's still very dishonest of her. She said it was all being used to pay the credit card off so it wasn't going on general household expenses at all. Plus, maybe he was paying for all the food and had bills in his name.

niugboo · 10/05/2020 23:37

Your sister has it made.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/05/2020 23:44

@emz771 I think you are a brilliant sister and I like to think I'd do the same for my siblings if I were in the same situation.

GabsAlot · 10/05/2020 23:47

Glad it worked out and can i offer my services as your sister

WeGoHigh · 11/05/2020 00:07

Wow... so your sister has been living rent free in an 800k house, has two kids at private school despite only working 2.5 days a week, and has been taking £500 a month from her partner to pay her own credit card debt without telling him? I think you sound hugely kind OP, but I have to say, your sister has no idea about the real world.

ILoveFlumps · 11/05/2020 01:00

@emz771 I'm glad everything is now sorted and your relationship with your sister has been unaffected.
You sound like a wonderfully caring human. The world needs more people like you...Flowers

teal125 · 11/05/2020 05:23

You sound like a great sister. My concern is that the longer she stays in your flat the harder it will be for her to get her own place. Leaving her to the mercy of the commercial rental market Is never going to be comfortable for you I suspect. You say that you need the flat for your retirement. Assuming you are the same age then are you going to evict her in her old age? £12k a year is a lot of money if you really don’t want it - could you save it for her towards a deposit for a smaller property that she could own? This would give her independence and security. Or rent it out commercially and use the £1500 rental towards another property for her ..

Hanch99 · 11/05/2020 06:07

OP i would do the same for my sister in similar circumstances.

You sound like a loving sister and i think you did the right thing asking for rent now that her bf has moved in etc.