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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 18:32

We do ok.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 10/05/2020 18:35

Sorry didn't RTFT

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 10/05/2020 18:36

Great result! He sounds like a stand up guy. I bet he’s so embarrassed about charging you for the steaks!!! Looks like it’s your sis that is the big CF here.

Mikki77 · 10/05/2020 18:41

You and your husband have done a wonderful thing. But surely your sister would have told you he was moving in?? That was the time to say "well we agreed to help YOU out but if the two of you want to live together and are earning then you're going to have to pay some rent." I think your sister has been thoughtless and he thinks he's onto a winner.
I really don't envy you but agree that you should talk to your sister first. Good luck.

Mikki77 · 10/05/2020 18:45

sorry just read the update. Glad it all worked out.

JFM27 · 10/05/2020 19:00

Im a BT pensioner and i can assure you he could easily afford to pay rent,Bit surprised as BT engineer,he doesent actually own a house,steady job,reasonable income,all those i know did or do.

Do you think maybe he thinks its your sisters house maybe,maybe she hasnt told him it isnt.who knows,if you get on and are as close as you say im amazed she hasnt offered to pay.

FinnefanFox · 10/05/2020 19:09

Your sister is disputable, not only has her other half paid £500 a month to her already, he has now paid another £2000 in backdated rent? So in essence the poor bloke has paid twice, whilst your lazy sister who has not had a rough time pocketed the money?

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 19:17

I’ve no idea why he doesn’t own.

Like I said a few pages back he used to rent in a block where we have a few apartments - the one beds are 1100/1200, 2 beds 1400/1500 and 3 beds 1600 plus. So even if he was only in a one bed it would have been costing him 1500 with bills.

So he’s still got a good deal for a 3 bed house.

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 19:21

He hasn’t really paid twice though, because a good whack of the money he gave her will Have gone on food.

He paid her as if it was her house, a token contribution plus his share of the groceries and other bills. A grown man probably goes through about £200 worth of food etc a week. Then there’s all the bills. I am sure he watches the tv and uses the broadband.

JaneEB · 10/05/2020 19:21

Can I make a suggestion?

You say that £1000 per month makes absolutely no difference. Why not put it into a separate account, put it aside in case any of your family needs urgent help.

That way you will feel better about it and have a readily accessible fund to help out if/when needed.

Thinkingabout1t · 10/05/2020 19:21

You need to have a very open and honest discussion with your sister about the house being to help her out when she was in dire need, which she no longer is, and that they need to start paying (generously discounted) rent.

I disagree with those saying your sister is taking the piss. She may lack confidence to ak her new partner to pay rent. I'm surprised he wants to live off her family, and it doesn't bode well for their relationship that he is such a taker.

I would happily house a beloved relative and her children, if I had the means. But if a man moved in he could damn well pay his way!

Thinkingabout1t · 10/05/2020 19:24

Oh, I didn't rtft! Glad it's all ended well, OP.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 19:33

You know what she may have taken the piss - but who knows what rough estate they might house her on without our help. Forget my sister - I couldn’t do that to the kids.

OP posts:
Downbythesea7 · 10/05/2020 19:35

Some people are so harsh. It’s her sister and she’s sorted it good for them. I think some people are very unaware not always taking the Piss.

Tistheseason17 · 10/05/2020 19:39

Well, OP, your sister continues to live rent free whilst the BF she decieved has to pay! He deserves the discount - you continue to enable your sister to free load. She will never have a tangible financial future and will just inherit from your parents, eventually as you continue to bail her out. . Great life lesson for her children. Stop the pity party.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 19:41

I’m not after giving my niece and nephew a life lesson. They’ve had to go through a break up, changing schools at an important stage of their education, I’m not going to add being housed goodness knows where to that.

I couldn’t sleep at night.

OP posts:
niugboo · 10/05/2020 19:46

You don’t have to see her out on the street but enabling this degree of cf’y is ridiculous. She’s been conning her partner. Conning you. It’s unbelievable. She sounds vile.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 19:51

I actually disagree she has been conning her partner. She took £500 off him - that wouldn’t cover the council tax, electric and food. So she hasn’t really been talking rent money off him - just general housekeeping.

The guy for the last 8months has been living in an 800k house, with all bills paid as they are in here name for £500 quid. That’s hardly being conned.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 10/05/2020 19:54

I’m not after giving my niece and nephew a life lesson

And, yet you are. You came on for advice and much of it you've dismissed as you are a solicitor and know better.

Well... 👏👏👏 I await you future post regarding you knowing better than sorting a tenancy agreement and how that turned out so well...

I feel for the poor BF. He's better off out of there.

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 19:55

@emz771 totally agree, people see, to have got confused between rent and other household expenses.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 19:56

With all due respect I didn’t come for legal advice - but advice on how to deal with the emotive side of the situation.

OP posts:
MsCRobinson · 10/05/2020 20:10

It's time to redress and update the issue accordingly. Her circumstances have changed.
Lay everything out succintly.
Might be best to write it all down..and give her a copy.
You get to clearly define the next step...without interuptions! ..and 'ah but's.
They need to start paying rent or find something else..so you can find a new tenant.

M2B19 · 10/05/2020 20:16

OP you sound like a really pleasant person and sometimes that’s incredibly hard to come by. Regardless of the situation I think your niece and nephew are very lucky to have such a kind Aunt who is looking out for them by trying to help their mother. I haven’t RTFT but seem that you’ve come to an agreement.

niugboo · 10/05/2020 20:22

If he pays toward the cost of the house then he has a legal entitlement to it. Presumably he can work that out for himself. Why should he pay more than bills etc when he’s get no vested interest?

For someone so educated you really are having the wool pulled over by sister darling.

Luddite26 · 10/05/2020 20:26

I'm wondering about when you met up on a Sunday did you and DH pay or was it 50/50.
That tells you more about the BF and freeloading. I think DS was wrong to ask you for the money for the steaks.

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