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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
Ineedabreak19 · 10/05/2020 08:03

Get a tenancy agreement drawn up so its there to legally protect all of you.

Ullupullu · 10/05/2020 08:41

As @Ernieshere predicted above - everyone was having a go at the new DP but he was "paying rent" as far as he understood it, to the Dsis. The mind boggles. Well done OP glad it has been resolved

Ernieshere · 10/05/2020 08:44

Ullupullu Yes, as I predicted!

Sly as a butchers dog.

Since having my fingers burnt, I have learnt not to trust anyone and try to be one step ahead. I knew she would be doing that, as that is exactly what my ex would have done.

1981m · 10/05/2020 10:21

Gosh I do think your sister is very cheeky, she has taken her new boyfriend for a ride too. Getting him to pay for what he thinks is the rent and then using it to pay off her debts!! That's a terrible thing to do. I can't believe she thinks that's ok, starting a new relationship like that. Why should be pay off her debts?

Does she know that she has been rent free now or just think you've upped the rent? She is telling lies, I wonder if he found out he would still want to be with her?

She does sound like a real freeloader. She only works part time and did sends her children to private school. She sounds like she wants it all and now wants this guy to pay for her too. It doesn't sound like they are splitting the £1000

OJZJ · 10/05/2020 17:44

Probably been said but if £1,000 a month makes no difference to your lives but your sister has two teenage children, despite a gross income of 60k then 1,000 a month wpuld make a he'll of a difference to them.
However, the steaks would royally piss me off too. I had a friend like this I would pay for everything and she could peel an orange in her pocket, her and her husband earned more than double more than I do as a single mum.

niugboo · 10/05/2020 17:57

Your sister is an absolute con artist and you’re enabling her. She’s living rent free. Her OH is paying a fixed amount toward household and she’s been pocketing it. If I was him and she had left out a key detail like “I live off my sister” I would walk.

niugboo · 10/05/2020 17:58

As I was reading your additional comments I knew the update would be he is paying. She’s entitled. Spoilt. Selfish. What a CF.

Dragonsmother · 10/05/2020 18:00

Wow!! I just want to say we all need a sister And brother in-law like you.
Xx

CambsAlways · 10/05/2020 18:03

I would have thought when this man of hers moved in, she would have contacted you and said I have a partner now living with me, and be upfront telling you her circumstances have changed and at least offering to pay rent, after all she was living on her own when you said she could live there rent free, surely she didn’t expect it to carry on, but you are also at fault too, you should have had a word with her, so I think the pair of them are massively taking the piss

OJZJ · 10/05/2020 18:04

I actually think you should have added that the money you intend to make from your sister-albeit a reduced rate, makes absolutely no difference to your lives what so ever. I started reading the thread thinking what an absolute c.f. she is but by the end of you are in such a financial position as you appear to be and your sister isn't then surely you would keep it rent free and maybe suggest her partner should pull his socks up and pay a lot more than 500 a month so they have a better lifestyle, unless she is still claiming as single parent despite him living there and claiming tax or universal credit top ups based on her part timd salary hence why she can afford to pay off her credit cards with his money as that would probably only cover his share of outgoings

OJZJ · 10/05/2020 18:06

Adding to my last message or a token gesture of 500 a month esp as her children are no longer at the fee paying school so obviously her standards of living have dropped significantly

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 10/05/2020 18:07

There has been a lot of assumptions and presumptions here. I think both your husband and your sister are in the wrong to be honest.

She shouldn't have taken the piss. But he should have set up a tenancy agreement and should have paid her new partner for the steaks - or at least said "Hey Steve, seeing as you live in my nice house free of charge would it be reasonable for you to pick me up some steaks on the way home?"

To be honest I would never have asked someone to pick up £30 worth of steak assuming they'd do it for free. But yeah, your husband needs to be clearer.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 18:08

Reading these messages I understand why she is coming into criticism.

But 42 a messy divorce, no house, no assets, no real pension, no savings - not justifying her behaviour but it must be pretty scary for her.

OP posts:
niugboo · 10/05/2020 18:09

Also a point that no one else seems to have made. I hope you’re fully prepared for the OH to make a claim on your property when the relationship fails. And it will.

niugboo · 10/05/2020 18:11

She’s in that situation because all of you are enabling it. Giving her a rent free home and allowing her to carry on being an entitled so and so isn’t helping her. She needs to work full time, start paying into a pension, stop running up credit card bills and sack of all other nonsense. This is really unbelievable.

Original poster
emz771 · 10/05/2020 18:12

If I didn’t - goodness knows where the might be housed. Taking the pee or not - I couldn’t have that.

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 10/05/2020 18:16

You may not need the money but it’s the principle of it, just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean you have to pay someone else’s way, even if it is your sister. If I was your sister I would be saying Thankyou so much for all your help but shall we start paying you rent now ? If she had of said that you would have been more chilled about it, but the fact is she won’t ever offer when she has it all on a plate. Hmm

pargaluvva04 · 10/05/2020 18:17

OP x sorry to ask but how much money/property do you and your husband have if you can afford to let your sister off with 36 grand x

Bugbabe1970 · 10/05/2020 18:17

I think your husband should have mentioned rent to her as soon as the BF moved in. If he wants the rent then he should have the discussion.
Your sister isn’t a piss taker. You don’t need the money and haven’t asked her for it .
Your husband should now have the conversation with them and I would be asking for £800.

Bugbabe1970 · 10/05/2020 18:19

Oh and those having a go at your sister!
She fell on hard times, if you can’t help your own family then who can you help! I’d have done exactly the same

Bugbabe1970 · 10/05/2020 18:22

Just seen the update

SpringSpringTime · 10/05/2020 18:28

Well fine I suppose. Everyone has saved face, whatever they were actually up to, and you’ve reached a solution you’re all happy with. Astonished at the way money seems to just slosh around in your world, though.

EugenesAxe · 10/05/2020 18:31

I can't believe she hasn't spoken up herself; I'd be so aware if I was leaning heavily on family like this. You can tell her without being unkind or angry that she needs to start paying rent now that her household income will cover it.

As a bonus, if the guy has moved in with her for a free ride then it will help her see his true intentions if living together suddenly seems less palatable.

DreamTheMoors · 10/05/2020 18:31

More than likely being “the sister,” I don’t think my conscience would allow me to continue to put my sister in that position.
The first opportunity I got, I’d be offering to pay rent.
However, this may just be an oversight on your sister’s part - she mightn’t be doing it on purpose.

Harls1969 · 10/05/2020 18:32

OP you sound like an incredibly kind and caring person. I'm assuming that she was paying bills and buying groceries when he was giving her £500 a month so I don't really see an issue. Whether or not she was paying rent, he was contributing to the household (so she was paying debts off with it...bit naughty but she wasn't paying rent so why not!). Glad it's all sorted amicably