To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

[catsears1]

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

I think people are objecting to other people projecting their loss, not failing to get over it. But ok.

I agree op i find it so grim. Then again if i ever get pregnant again i will go mad if anyone refers to it as my "rainbow baby".

But it is quite literally none of your business how other people grieve their loss.

People can grieve however they like it the want to call there child there rainbow 🌈 they can I don't see the issue .. I had to give birth to my dead child it was awful and I had many miscarriages after too I have 3 beautiful children now but it never leaves you , I don't choose to call them my rainbows but if youve been though what I have then you couldn't judge someone for this .. There is no pain like the loss of a child and if calling another baby your rainbow helps them get though it then good for them .

No one said it was anyone business but if you put it out on social media and refer to a growing child by a title marred by their deas sibling people are entitled to have an anonymous opinion on it.

I think everyone should grieve and survive in the ways that feel right to them.

But, I do not think it is far to say that a special term is deserved by people who miscarry and go on to have a living baby. Many people never conceive at all. Many people miscarry repeatedly and never have a living baby. And many people are somewhere in between.

My DD is, I could say, my 'rainbow baby'. I had one termination and four miscarriages before her. But she is the biological daughter of my partner, and she is none the less loved for that. I am enormously lucky to have ended up with a living child. I am aware of that. But, I am also very conscious that many women just never have a baby after miscarriages. For myself, I always know that I never managed to give birth to a baby. And that is a grief separate from the immense joy and huge privilege of having my daughter. In the same way, I think the grief of never having a child is hugely important, and deserves respect and consideration. Some people will never have a child, and I do think we need to consider them while we use and justify terms like 'rainbow child'.

We have opinions on things that are none of our business all the time. Mumsnet would close down if that weren't the case.
If we're going to take that to it's logical conclusion - it's none of your business how I feel about anything.

No one said it was anyone business but if you put it out on social media and refer to a growing child by a title marred by their deas sibling people are entitled to have an anonymous opinion on it.

Then perhaps you should delete them from your social media so they don't make the mistake of thinking you are their friend.

Argh - sorry, I took time and tried to write that post as clearly as I could, and I still failed!

When I say it's not fair for there to be a special term for people who miscarry then have a living child, what I say wasn't that we should stop saying 'rainbow baby'. What I meant was, we need more terms so women who miscarry over and over don't feel as if there's no way to name their experience. It seems very cruel that one of the best-know terms we have, excludes women who've never had a living baby after a loss.

@SarahAndQuack

That's an interesting point. I can't say how I would feel if, five years from now, I still don't have a baby and have given up.

But at the moment, seeing other people talk about their rainbow babies gives me hope that one day I will get there too.

Crikey, I wouldn't be judging anyone for how they deal with their own crisis personally. I certainly wouldn't want people to judge me for how I deal with mine. I take your point and it isn't how I refer to my "rainbow baby" (violent offender is more appropriate) but I know a miscarriage is different for everyone and some people feel the need to acknowledge it.

Well, I haven't 'given up'.

I can see your post is meant in kindness and I am not saying this to score a cheap point or be picky. But one of the torturing things about struggling with fertility is that it's so relentlessly ongoing.

So no, I haven't 'given up'. I adore my daughter, and she is wonderful, and I could not love her more. But I still have an entirely separate grief that I still have not had a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage. And that grief is ongoing.

@peperethecat this womans not my friend shes someone the op knows. If you dont like people discussing things why be here.

@RyanBergarasTeeth Yes and I think the OP should be ashamed of herself for starting such a horrible thread.

As for why I'm here, well if you must know I signed up to talk to other women suffering from recurrent miscarriage, because I don't know anyone in "real life" who is going through this.

Peper i didnt ask why you were on mumsnet i asked why you were staying on a thread thats clearly upsetting you. I sympathise with your situation. I have also suffered miscarriages and have yet to have any children. I think the ops question is relevant. Its ok if people like the term rainbow baby but some of is find it offensive and have the right to voice that.

Pepe you sound in terrible pain and I'm sorry you're so upset.

I'm on this thread because I saw it (because as I said previously, Mumsnet is one of the few places I can find other people who get it) and I don't think it's good for the OP and the other people on here expressing their snide, judgemental opinions to be in an echo chamber with people who agree with them. I think they need to be told how offensive their opinions are to some people who are less fortunate than they are. I think they need to be told to appreciate their good fortune and be more forgiving to those less fortunate than themselves.

I hope you get your baby, however you want to refer to him or her.

I hope you get yours as well peper. Hope you get the support on the boards on here they are invaluble

I think some of the people on here finding the term ‘rainbow baby’ offensive or stupid because they’ve never heard of it before mumsnet are aiming it at the wrong people, it’s not some cutesy social media term, it’s a recognised phrase, the clinic that takes care of women pregnant after stillbirth or neonatal death is called the rainbow clinic, all the leading baby loss charities use it, NHS do too, it’s were most people get the phrase from. Like I mentioned I don’t use it, it’s not for me, but it’s not an abusive term from crap parents either like some have made out. This thread is an ugly thread with some mean opinions on it and OP has barely even posted on it, great work OP.

I know what you mean. However, child death, stillbirth and mc's are rarely talked about in rl and it is a quick reference and a way for the lost baby/babies to be remembered without having to say "My baby/child died". It opens up a conversation by the person and allows others to share their pain if needed.

That being said, if it became tied up with the child's identity as they got older they could feel second best and confused as there's no way they can compare to someone who is no longer here. It's a difficult one.

the clinic that takes care of women pregnant after stillbirth or neonatal death is called the rainbow clinic

No, not everywhere. I understand your point and it's important, but it's also important not to overstate things.

I attended the recurrent miscarriage clinic. It was called the recurrent miscarriage clinic. A friend who had a stillbirth attended the neonatal loss clinic.

It might well be that some people would prefer different names for these clinics (and others would not).

But it is absolutely not true to pretend that 'rainbow' is a medical term, or widely used in medical settings. It may be used in some situations and at some times, but many people won't have experience with it as a term, and personally, I don't think terms suddenly become unarguably acceptable just because they've been used by medics. If that were the case, I'd be happily calling myself a 'habitual aborter' (the accepted, medical term for women who miscarry repeatedly).

Those clinics are for people experiencing the loss though Sarah, not for women pg after loss. I didn't have any special clinic in that situation to be honest.
I have heard of women having teardrops on their medical notes to represent stillbirths.

If that were the case, I'd be happily calling myself a 'habitual aborter' (the accepted, medical term for women who miscarry repeatedly).

This makes me glad I'm not in the UK. I think the language they use is more sensitive here.

No, the other way around, surely?

I accept that women who experience loss might attend a recurrent miscarriage clinic or a neonatal loss clinic - I know they do, because I attend my recurrent miscarriage clinic and have still not got pregnant again. But, actually, those clinics are geared towards women who want to get pregnant again, or who are pregnant again. The main medical reason I am registered with the recurrent miscarriage clinic is (gruesomely but realistically) so that if I miscarry again, they can monitor me, and ideally, test miscarried tissue to find out why I keep doing it.

It really is to do with the possibility of pregnancy after loss. I don't know how you'd even get referred there if you weren't trying for another baby.

I meant the Tommy’s clinic near me sorry, and I didn’t say it was medical, but it is a common term in places that deal with baby loss, not just social media.