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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

264 replies

catsears1 · 08/05/2020 16:01

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 09/05/2020 17:32

I had a miscarriage and then my daughter was stillborn full term. My son is absolutely my rainbow baby. He bought us a joy that we never knew existed. My rainbow bow. It’s not something we say all the time, in fact I don’t think we’ve referred to him as our rainbow since he was around 4 months, but he is.
If you don’t like it, just don’t say it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Noshowlomo · 09/05/2020 17:32

*rainbow son

IHateCoronavirus · 09/05/2020 17:35

There may not be hatred or vitriol but there’s very much an air of grief superiority.

Take my grief, have it all. I am exhausted from it.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 09/05/2020 17:35

My best friend and her dh refer to her 3yo as baby. Never ever use her name. It drives me insane Blush
'baby needs go to bed'
'baby isnt well today'
'baby gor into nursery'
Drives.me.mad

saraclara · 09/05/2020 17:43

You simply don't have enough information for such concern.

It's in the OP. The friend only refers to her son as her rainbow baby. He's three years old. That's not healthy for him.

Whitestick · 09/05/2020 17:44

On Facebook.

frasersmummy · 09/05/2020 17:51

@sunbathingdragon

Can I ask how long ago your dd passed away...i ask because this gave me the rage as well but having seen your post I realised this seriously doesnt bother me now but my. Ds was stillborn. At 39.5 weeks 16 years ago

When ds2 was born I wanted him to have his brothers name as a middle name.. Dh pointed out every time someone asked why this name he would have to explain it and it wasn't fair.. He was right

Ds2 was born less than a year later and we always told him he was meant for something great the fact ds 1 died against the odds and he arrived so quickly.. We thought it would make him feel special

A few years ago he turned round to me and said mum that's not fair.. Just because ds1 is not here im under pressure to be a high achiever..

Eh no we just didnt think. It through so. Yes I think you have to be very careful that they don't think they are less than their own petdon

frasersmummy · 09/05/2020 17:51

Person

MarieQueenofScots · 09/05/2020 17:51

Take my grief, have it all. I am exhausted from it

Flowers I have enough of my own

ivfgottostaypositive · 09/05/2020 17:53

There may not be hatred or vitriol but there’s very much an air of grief superiority.

Perhaps not so much on this thread but I see this a lot on other baby loss groups - the competition in grief. As if it's a badge of honour to proudly state they've had it so much worse than someone else. I've left a lot of groups because of it.

One person started she was jealous of those that had "only" had 3 miscarriages when she had had 5.

It's essential to talk about baby loss - to make it less taboo - if it gets just one extra conversation going about the effect losing a baby has on someone than great - this woman can call her child what she wants.

You've no idea what her journey was like to get to that point. We might all thinks it's a bit cringe and unnecessary but until we walk a mile in her shoes then leave her alone. At the toddlers age I doubt he's noticed what she calls him or what it means. And so what if he grows up knowing what this woman lost before him. He should feel proud that his parents fought for him and didn't give up - no matter the risk to their own emotional and physical health of trying and losing more babies

IHateCoronavirus · 09/05/2020 17:54

Marie Flowers for you too Sad

raviolidreaming · 09/05/2020 18:28

The friend only refers to her son as her rainbow baby. He's three years old. That's not healthy for him

On Facebook. Presumably to try and muster emotional support / empathy; maybe to keep the memories of her loss alive. We don't know. But if he is able to read this for himself then she's not doing too badly with her parenting. Although I suspect people will jump on the screen time required, and that he technically isn't old enough for Facebook.

AllieAct · 09/05/2020 18:35

One of my children has our first child’s name as a middle name. I can’t see how it’s any different to having a grandparents name.

We shouldn’t feel awkward about death. It’s part of life. It shouldn’t be awkward saying ‘it was my brother’s name’ any more than it should be saying ‘it was my grandad‘s name’.

To people he doesn’t know well, my son says ‘it’s a family name’ if they ask about his middle name which has happened maybe twice in his life so it’s not like it’s all the time.

We’ve always spoken openly about death in general so it’s not an issue.

raviolidreaming · 09/05/2020 18:40

That sounds very emotionally healthy and balanced, AllieAct.

Crystal87 · 09/05/2020 18:40

I have never had a pregnancy loss and so I will never fully understand and I don't mean to cause offence, but surely when the baby is born they should just be baby and not rainbow baby. Because they are the one that is here alive in the world and not the baby that didn't make it. Calling it a rainbow baby long after pregnancy is putting the living baby second to a pregnancy that could have ended in the very early weeks. And that's not to say that that miscarried baby isn't important but a living child should always be the priority and be a baby in their own right.

Boyo7 · 09/05/2020 18:43

I honestly don't think if you have never lost a baby then you should be commenting on this at all. Get over yourself OP.

peperethecat · 09/05/2020 18:53

Calling it a rainbow baby long after pregnancy is putting the living baby second to a pregnancy that could have ended in the very early weeks.

No, that's not what it is at all.

Geekster1963 · 09/05/2020 18:58

I had six miscarriages before I had DD and I’ve never referred to her as a rainbow baby. If it helps people I’m not against that at all, it’s just something I’ve never done.

ivfgottostaypositive · 09/05/2020 19:38

@crystal87
*
And that's not to say that that miscarried baby isn't important but a living child should always be the priority and be a baby in their own right.*

Er yeah you don't get it

"Rainbow" babies aren't replacements and there is no question of "priorities" that's a ridiculous statement

The term is used generally to describe a child born after the parents have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth - a child that parents had to go through that bit more to have compared to the honeymoon babies, the "I just have to look at my husband and and I'm pregnant with triplets" and the large numbers of very lucky but oblivious "fertile" people that have ZERO clue what it's like to get a positive pregnancy test and already love something and start planning a future only to lose it a few weeks or months later. To look at a calendar and see the due dates that will never come or the siblings their child will never play with and then to get the next positive test and spend months petrified that this will end the same way. AGAIN AND AGAIN for some people

Rainbow children aren't REPLACEMENTS for what is lost - you can't compare a child you hold in your arms to one that quite honestly gets flushed away during a miscarriage or "disposed" of by a hospital (sorry if that's a trigger for some but maybe those that haven't gone through it have no idea of the brutal reality of miscarrying a baby).

peperethecat · 09/05/2020 19:53

Couldn't have put it better myself, @ivfgottostaypositive.

Rainbow babies are special because they're not oops babies, they're not honeymoon babies, they're not "I thought withdrawal was a method of contraception" babies. They're not "I stopped taking the pill and then POAS and eight months later I had a baby" babies.

They're the hard won, hard fought for babies that their parents waited years for. They're the babies that their parents didn't dare to celebrate until they actually arrived safe and sound because for those people, two lines on a pregnancy test does not equal a baby.

The reason why the term "rainbow baby" is not reserved for women pregnant after a miscarriage, to be abandoned as soon as the baby is here, is because those women can't allow themselves to believe that their baby will be born alive until he or she is actually in their arms.

Calling your baby a rainbow baby doesn't mean that they're a replacement for the one(s) that didn't live. It means that they were wanted and longed for to a degree that parents who got pregnant easily and never had a loss can't even imagine.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 09/05/2020 20:00

It's not a phrase I would use although I an entitled to. I would like mine to feel they were living in the shadow of another.

MarieQueenofScots · 09/05/2020 20:00

A baby born following a loss is no more a replacement than deciding to have a second in case it’s better than the first.

minmooch · 09/05/2020 20:08

@Crystal87 as you have not personally suffered loss then your opinion is merely judgemental. You have no idea how you would feel/react if you were in that position. Thankfully you don't know - be grateful you don't know and let others deal with it as they feel is right for them.

lowlandLucky · 09/05/2020 20:28

ihavegottostaypositive i had 2 miscarriages

frasersmummy · 09/05/2020 20:40

@allieact.. I. Think that's great you have made that work as a family.. I really do.. We didn't think we could..

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