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Original poster

Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

506 replies

fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 21:24

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

OP posts:
Newjez · 07/05/2020 23:06

You probably shouldn't be getting married.

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2020 23:07

How on earth can women ever demand equality when they still expect men to take the lead and do the “done thing” e.g. get down on one knee and all that? If a man does it that way then fair enough,but expecting him to do it like that/ surely that’s just misogynistic outdated rubbish which should have died out decades ago.

Wineinthegarden · 07/05/2020 23:08

Definitely be honest about the ring. Mine was an exact match to a friend’s and I hated it would be that! Even tho I liked it! So I was honest and we changed it. He understood that was a bit odd and I wanted my own ring not that it reflected on his choice.

ChangeOfName2020 · 07/05/2020 23:10

Haven't read the full thread but Jesus... only after a few posts in I was thinking wtf?!

No need for me to say anymore...I've got more important posts or life situations (in no particular order 😜🙈) to worry about haha

eaglejulesk · 07/05/2020 23:11

You do realise that marriage is about the vows and lifelong commitment. It’s not about the proposal or ring and they shouldn’t matter.

Totally agree. YABVU.

rosegoldwatcher · 07/05/2020 23:12

OP please don't let the proposal define your relationship.
My DH proposed on the way home from work in the car. He said something like, "We want children so we should get married." Not one iota of romance and he couldn't get down on one knee as he was driving!
I had no expectation of a ring as we were broke but his mum gave me her grandmother's solitaire, which we had reset.
We have just celebrated 30 lovely married years. (He still has no romantic bones!)
Life together is so much more important than a bunch of flowery words and dazzle!

Charmatt · 07/05/2020 23:12

Claire

I view it that she drove him away with her appalling behaviour and he had a wake up call on what his life would be like. I did say to him at the time that if she made this decision for him, she'd make every decision for the rest of his life. (My job, surely?Grin)

I have been very forgiving but I've never bloody forgotten. The strange thing is that she then went overboard and bought extravagant engagement and wedding presents. I was always brought up with the values that someone's time and good treatment of you is worth more than money, so it didn't wash with me.

I could tell you other stories about her, but you wouldn't sleep!

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 23:14

It seems to be a badge of honour on here to not give a shit about how you get proposed to or what your ring looks like.

And if you do have a special proposal or a ring you've chosen, you're with the wrong man or you don't understand marriage.

We've been together 11 years so I'm pretty confident that we are solid.

OP posts:
FairyDogMother11 · 07/05/2020 23:15

I didn't get a proposal, we laid in bed discussing the future and he said he wanted to get married in the next year. I said we'd probably better book somewhere as otherwise we wouldn't be able to and he said best you start looking then, and that was that. He did buy me an engagement ring that he asked me to pick, but for what its worth I didn't particularly like my wedding ring, it didn't match my engagement ring and didn't fit properly but was personalised so couldn't be altered. Then I lost it as it fell off my finger when I lost weight and I was distraught because it wasn't that the ring was important, it was the sentiment behind it. Its okay to have a little moment but at the end of the day it really doesn't matter so long as you're both wanting to get married. You can always get a really lovely wedding band!

BubblyWater · 07/05/2020 23:15

I think some people here have been unnecessarily hard on you. It doesn't sound like you wanted fanfare and fireworks and Opera singers at all. It sounds like what you had had anticipated was a lovely private meaningful moment, because it is, for a lot of people, one of those special moments in your life that signifies the start of a whole new chapter which will involve far fewer diamonds and way more nappy changing and bill paying Smile.

The only thing I would ask, and I mean this as gently as possible, are you absolutely sure that somewhere in the back of your mind, there isn't an alarm bell going off? Is it at all possible that your disappointment with the proposal is actually that little voice in the back of your mind questioning whether you really want to do this?

mouldygrapes · 07/05/2020 23:15

My proposal at the end of last year wasn’t the stuff of romcoms. We’d talked about it loads and I knew it was coming. He didn’t get down on one knee but it was heartfelt and meaningful, if not flashy.
No ring as he thought I’d prefer to choose it together.
Was I fleetingly disappointed it wasn’t a huge romantic gesture with “the” ring - possibly. But he was right; and I loved choosing the ring together. The one I chose was one he wouldn’t have picked in a million years.

I think this current crisis has thrown it all into perspective for me at least. I’m so bloody lucky and grateful to have him. We may not be able to have the wedding we planned in Sept but I don’t care. I just want to be married - if that means doing a small registry office thing this year and a bigger party when we can, then so be it.

OP - you can’t help how you feel, and I’m sure it’s magnified by the current situation. I hope you get the ring you want in the end

eaglejulesk · 07/05/2020 23:15

Incidentally, our engagement was hardly romantic. We had seen a ring we both liked in a shop window while browsing, walked past one day and it was on sale - so we bought it! It's a tiny diamond, and I still love it - not because of the ring, but because of what it means.

justjen87 · 07/05/2020 23:16

The ring is just a token of intended marriage. So many women will kill just to be proposed to. My husband proposed to me in an all bar one. I remember being so amazed he had proposed I didn’t even look at the ring.

Please try to be happy, he obviously loves you as he wouldn’t have proposed.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 07/05/2020 23:17

The sooner you get to used to the disappointments the better...... Good luck!

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 23:17

You've been together 11 years? What sort of razzmatazz were you expecting? It can't have been that much of a surprise, at this point? 😆

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 23:19

@mouldygrapes fingers crossed for your wedding! We've been guests at a few that have been postponed and I just think the atmosphere when they do happen will be amazing - it will be doubly emotional and celebratory and everyone will be even happier for the couple.

But fingers crossed for September either way!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 07/05/2020 23:20

Charmatt Does your dh have brothers? I think we have the same MIL. She refused to speak to me when we were first going out and dp had taken me to her house to introduce me. She was clearly fuming that I was going to take him away from her or some weird shit. Grin
She's thawed a bit now we've been married for 19 years.

Ashesandwine · 07/05/2020 23:20

@fungalinthejungle I think it’s just that most of us here were so delighted to be engaged to the man we love that the type of proposal didn’t matter whereas you seem more into the type of proposal and ring than the actual engagement.

My memory of my engagement in my sitting room with a tiny ring (turned out it was a cheap proposal ring but he forgot to tell me that in all the excitement so I didn’t realise it wasn’t the real thing for a day or so!) is happiness - feeling so so happy that we were going to get married and spend our life together. If you had asked me how I wanted to be proposed to I wouldn’t have said what he did but once he proposed I didn’t think twice about whether it matched up to my ‘dream’ proposal.

It’s a bit sad that you seem to have missed all that because you had such entrenched ideas about how your proposal had to be.

CJsGoldfish · 07/05/2020 23:21

It all sounds so juvenile.

Now the wedding will have to live up to fantasy expectations. After the 'engagement' party of your dreams, of course.

Have you actually considered the marriage? I do hope you have given it some realistic thought and not just focused on your IG worthy road to the big day. You can always work on the proposal embellishments while stuck at home so no one knows what a dud you have.

I do agree that you should have a ring you like but that's the risk you take I guess when you create such an unrealistic situation

mouldygrapes · 07/05/2020 23:21

@fungalinthejungle thank you, and congratulations!

itstrue · 07/05/2020 23:22

I was disappointed in my proposal too. We have been married over 20 years and I never think about it unless very, very occasionally it's asked about. So it's totally true that you will end up not caring about that.

Mine happened in the middle of a big argument when I told him I was leaving him because he was being an arsehole. Now lucky for me we happened to be on holiday at the time and right next to a landmark. So that's how I rephrase it if I'm asked (usually only my kids care!).

So rephrase it and pick out some points that make it special. Was it a surprise? Maybe a beautiful day? Maybe not a lovely day? I'm sure you can find a couple of points that may change the way it's presented both for other people and yourself.

As for the ring I really don't know what I'd do. I still love mine. Maybe you could suggest picking a new one out together if it needs to be resized?

Unchartedsea · 07/05/2020 23:22

I am gonna sound harsh but really you need to grow up. It’s not about the ring or a fanfare engagement. Think about being married and how that makes you feel - that’s what’s important.

However, if you are having an engagement ring then what not use the money to own something you enjoy looking at. I am sure if you have a longterm solid relationship you can both talk about that.

But don’t get distracted by relatively unimportant issues.

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 23:23

I'm amazed anyone asks about it 20 years later. Who the hell cares?

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 23:23

@CJsGoldfish how is it juvenile to want a romantic thought out proposal or to wear a piece of jewellery I like?

We are not having a huge wedding or engagement party full stop!

But please, carrying on judging from your high horse.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 07/05/2020 23:25

I really believed the ring, the dress, the venue etc all mattered until a few days before our wedding, when I realised I'd marry him in jeans with no one else there.

It was a wonderful feeling - I was getting married because I wanted to commit to spending my life with one man.

We have been married for 14 years and are still deeply in love. If I got the chance to do it again, the only thing I'd keep the same is the groom, everything else was unimportant!

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