Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

My ex told me she didn't think the engagement ring I got her was good enough and I duly got her another one. It kind of set the tone for the rest of our relationship in some ways even though I was committed to her forever. I'm with someone infinitely nicer now.

My DH has his own idea of a dream proposal and his dream was to be the one proposing

Maybe some men would like to be but that’s something they should discuss before hand

I’ve not met many men who want to be the one proposed to.
It’s a special moment for them too

he wanted to do the proposal and not just 'agree to be married'
And yet you feel let down because it wasn't good enough...

I would look for the good and try and reframe it in order to tell other people and your future self.
My mum was disappointed that my engagement wasn't something she could talk/boast about, it made me feel even more let down some how.

The prospect of marriage has been touched on three times in my relationship history.

First time was from stoner ex standing in his parents’ (who he lived with then and likely still does now) hallway who said: “If I didn’t love pot so much I’d ask you to marry me.”

Second time was after I moved out from living with workaholic ex who was more in love with his Blackberry than me who said: “We haven’t even talked about your converting to (his religion) so we can be married!”

Third time was to now husband who went to great lengths to make the proposal memorable. Didn’t say yes immediately but even if it had been a question over coffee at breakfast my answer would have (eventually) been yes anyway.

Who cares about rings and proposals. If you can see beyond that and want to be with this man then do it.

Isn't the purpose of Mumsnet for people to be able to vent anonymously? OP - I get it.

I'm curious what prompted the timing of the proposal now? Was it totally unexpected?

It's not an easy conversation to have, what sort of proposal you'd like. I don't get the comments here suggesting it is. Apart from - I suppose - please for the love of God, don't do anything too public or get someone to video it, if you think your other half might and you couldn't bear it. "Do something romantic" and even "Do something thoughtful" is very vague and can mean different things and at different times too.

That's kind of missing the point of what a proposal actually is. When you ask me, do it this way... . How weird is that?
Giving stage directions for a question you know is coming. Odd.

OP I think your getting an unnecessary hard time from some posters whose marriages / proposals sound more like negotiating a business merger!

It's entirely possible to be a fully functioning person and still love and appreciate romance and care in a relationship.

It's very central to our marriage. We're not ones for massive public declarations / displays but privately we are really very soppy and romantic and go the extra mile for each other all the time. We're together 21 years and married 17 this year so not exactly teens.

We just got immediately that this was important to each of us and we have continued as we started.

I had a very lovely, thoughtful proposal and a ring chosen by him but entirely what I wanted and our wedding was one one of the best days of my life and he would say the same.

Our rings were expensive and we love them and wear them all the time and they still give us immense pleasure. I often look at them on our hands and love looking at them.

I love jewellery and dh has bought and commissioned a lot for me over the years and I love each piece and love wearing them and thinking of the time it was given to me and what it might have symbolised.

Dh is not into jewellery for himself and only wears his wedding ring.

Your proposal was intimate and private and you can use that as your story when people ask.

As for the ring - I definitely think you should speak to him about it and see if you can change it. It's important to you and therefore it should be something you love and are delighted to wear everyday. It really doesn't matter what some posters who shove their rings in a drawer and never wear them thinks because they are not you!

Congratulations to you both!

I kinda get it OP- my proposal wasn’t all the things I wish it could have been (he just handed me a card and a ring) but I wouldn’t change my fiancé for the world and I think you just have to acknowledge it to yourself, accept it and move on. Instead you can focus on exciting things like wedding planning!

Someone upthread suggested asking him if you can reboot after Covid and do something romantic to mark the moment. I'd suggest you use it to tell each other how you feel about being married. If you say something heartfelt to him he may feel able to reciprocate. You can still have your romantic speech, but it will be unprepared and from his heart.

It's helpful that the ring doesn't fit, because you can now say, "Actually, as we have to change it would you mind if I have something slightly different? It's so lovely but a bit too much like X's. I'd love it if we could choose something together".

You’re not allowed to feel that way on Mumsnet. I understand what you’re saying though and your not a bar person for feeling that way

I felt the same about my engagement. Wasn’t fully satisfied with the engagement, the wedding, the way he parented, the way he left me. I wasted his life and mine. Please don’t waste your partner’s. If this is not for you please be honest with yourself and him. If he is the one, why the f* would you be dissatisfied with any of this? You should be elated. Like me you sound totally self absorbed and not ready to make somebody else happy.

As it doesn't fit and needs to go back to be resized can you have a look while you are there and find one you prefer? He probably has no idea that it is so important to you and probably won't be bothered in the slightest if you have a ring in mind that you would rather have. I am sure he would rather you were happy with the ring and proudly showing it off. It would be much better to have a slightly awkward conversation now, than being stuck with a ring that you don't like. Don't feel bad about it - he won't mind, after all how easy is it to pick someone's perfect ring out of all the choices out there? He didn't get it quite right, but you can easily sort it out between you.

"And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that." If you commented on how lovely someone else's ring was, your fellow took a hint from that. Sounds to me like he was being very considerate!

@KEF411 he was! I totally get it.

The ring I have is very large - 5 huge diamonds. I would have preferred something a bit simpler and discreet. But I can see it's my mistake, not his.

@Headinthecloudsfeetinthemud I really don't think that describes me - he does so many great things for me and I a) do the same for him and b) make sure he knows how appreciated he is. Our situations don't sound the same. Best of luck meeting the right person for you, you sound very self aware!

I like the idea of proposing a weekend get away somewhere posh to kick off the engagement. Tell him you aren't crazy about the ring. He loves you and he wants you to be happy.

Be honest and tell him the ring is not to your taste and can it be changed with the jeweller. I bought mine secondhand as wanted a bigger diamond and it was better value and it was nice to go ring shopping as a couple and have celebratory drinks after the purchase. I bet he won’t mind as long as it can be changed.

I can sympathise, my DH (DB then) and I were discussing a household bill when he dropped in 'by the way do you want to get married because if so I have booked us a room tonight at...Hotel)... nothing can be more unromantic than that! He is still unromantic but we have been happily married for 19years (i did at least get to choose the ring!) Nobody is perfect it should be why you want to marry him not what you get out of it, maybe that is the secret of our happiness xx

One point about late return is that since the ring is obviously too small for you to wear, you won't have worn it, so it will be "as new" and the shop should be able to accept it back in exchange for one you do like.

Also they should be more accommodating given the lockdown situation - but as I said, you have physical evidence that you can't have worn it!

Same for me. Set the pattern for the marriage. Honeymoon booked without any real consultation so not what I would have chosen. Didn't even ask the hotel for the honeymoon room/suite so we had a gloomy room overlooking the car park.I should have realised that this wasn't for me and that we had less in common than I'd imagined. Nothing would ever be special. Give it some thought.

I never understood how in this day and age, women still expect proposals. Surely it's a mutual decision to marry, arrived at together as a relationship evolves?

Why this medieval, sexist, asymmetrical anachronism? It denies women agency-something several generations of women have fought and sacrificed for for over a century.
FYI: many woke girls these days ask boys on dates, to proms, etc.

The jeweller my hubby bought my ring from sells the proposer a ring to use with the expectation you’ll go back in and choose the right one or get the size right. I loved mine as l had previously casually mentioned when passing Tiffany’s (as you do!) that I thought this particular style was beautiful. And he remembered. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. Hard decision but it’s the rest of your life!

I remember a similar thread.

There was a strong trend, elaborate proposal tended to equal short marriage and vice versa! Sounds like you're in the long marriage group - excellent

I think we just said 'Shall we get married then?'. No proposal on either side.
I chose my own ring, 60 quid from a pawn shop. It's not fancy but I wear it every day.

My wedding day was amazing and everything I could have hoped for and more. My DH is fab, 19 years later.

Its what come after that matters.

I’ve been with my partner 35 years in August, we were in Florida and I was looking at rings. Our 7 year old son said “Dad, don’t you think you should get mum a ring?”, his reply was, do you want one?
I Chose one, the shop wrapped it in a beautiful box, and ribbon. My Other half turned to me and said”Do you want it then? - in the middle of the mall! My girls just stared as I said “yes, but don’t consider us engaged. I took the ring and put it on, it has been there 35 years and we are still not engaged or married.
I couldn’t have worn it if I didn’t like it so I can understand how you are feeling, don’t wear it and ask him if you can both take it back and choose another one. The main thing is wether you really love each other 💖