Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

It's understandable to feel a bit deflated if the proposal wasn't quite what you expected. Sometimes men just don't think about things in the same way we do. Plan your wedding and honeymoon to make it everything you dreamed and gloss over the proposal when people ask in future!
As for the ring, if you're not happy change it. I would rather my partner was honest than to just wear it for a bit before shoving it in a jewelley box never to see the light of day again.

@fuuuuuuck great!

I never had an engagement ring, I wore my grandmothers ring until wedding. I knew I liked a wedding band on it own and not stacked rings so seemed a waste. Although I did get an eternity ring on 5 year anniversary and another dress ring on 20th anniversary. I still only like to wear one ring at a time.

Everyone’s tastes are different though and if you would prefer a different ring then I think you should gently tell him.

gloss over the proposal when people ask in future!
People will not ask. Ffs!

I don't think women help ourselves when we hype up proposals, to be honest. We've got to the point where the concept doesn't really benefit us.

It's hard though, especially the way things are now. You would've been celebrating with loved ones, perhaps going out to check things out, but you're so limited in lockdown. That's going to contribute to any feelings of being let down.

So I think try and interpret your feelings in that light, realise the whole concept of fairytale proposals is at best daft and at worst completely unhelpful. Especially when you've been together over a decade. But also accept we're in the middle of a pandemic so that's going to make you feel weird about things too, it's not necessarily just you being a princess. And I'd get a ring out of it I actually liked.

I don't know. As I had never wanted to get married to anyone ever until I met DH I had certainly never fantasised about being proposed to - and had batted off a few previous boyfriends who I thought might have been working up to it. I am very unromantic and pragmatic generally and have lost or broken almost every piece of jewellery I've ever been given. I still love being married to him several decades on, but really couldn't get worked up about the wedding itself.

And yet...my 'proposal' was very unromantic and certainly not for the ears of elderly relatives or future children, and there was no ring. It was actually a bit of a downer, because people do ask about 'the proposal' surprisingly often; I was too embarrassed to tell people the truth at the time so had to fudge it. It still annoys me a little bit all these years later that I didn't/don't have a nicer story to tell.

So I do get it I think.

@Thisismytimetoshine of course they ask - every single person that knows has asked....

@fuuuuuuck thank you - I feel less of a terrible person now.

Even though I know I'm not - and I know I love him and want to marry him for the right reasons.

You're not a terrible person, op. Don't do the whole self flagellation thing, it's nauseating.

Just plan the wedding and honeymoon to be everything you've ever dreamed of

Oh dear, I'm expecting another thread next year "Disappointed with my wedding Aibu?"

I'm half joking but keep your feet in the ground Op. Even your expectations for your friend's weddings sound a little in the clouds ..the atmosphere will be amazing, it'll be doubly emotional and celebratory and everyone will be even happier for the couple That sounds lovely but a tiny bit unrealistic.

Try to align your dreams with the reality and then you won't set yourself up for more disappointment when it rains or your dp doesn't give a speech that's romantic enough.

Good luck and congratulations.

@fungalinthejungle I know how you feel! I was proposed to at the end of February with a set of goalkeeping gloves (‘you’re a keeper’ haha...). I still don’t have a ring, despite me sending him multiple suggestions.

@fungalinthejungle if they ask they just tell them? You have a story. You were sitting in sitting room just a normal evening when out of nowhere he produced the ring and asked you to marry him, you said yes. It was a total surprise and you’re delighted to be engaged.

It’s a lovely story!!!!

To be honest the only thing wrong with your proposal story is if the real ending isn’t you were delighted with the surprise and instead you were miffed and thought is that it where’s my big fancy proposal - and that’s on you for ruining the proposal not on him.

I’ve the same proposal story and I’ve told everyone!!!!! It’s lovely. We’re now married and our sitting room will forever have that lovely moment. My husband also got ready in that room in our wedding day and when we hopefully have kids I want to take all the photos of them coming home in there too so that room continues holding special memories for us. 🥰🥰

You’re honestly making a rod for your own back here ruining your own special time!

That said I do think if you don’t like your ring be honest and get one you do like especially as it doesn’t fit. Just be kind to the poor man!

I don't understand why men buy the engagement ring. That's just asking to fuck up isn't it? You can still have a surprise/showy proposal and then go and choose a ring together.

Or perhaps it's because women expect 'the ring'. In which case, they have to suck it up if they don't like it.

I didn’t have a proposal at all and I chose my own ring. Which was a bit of a shame because I’d have had a much bigger diamond if he’d chosen it!

If the ring is too small sometimes it can be difficult to size up, especially if it's very small as you've said it doesn't fit on your pinky. This could be a reason to ask to change it, possibly suggesting the same ring in gold, mine is platinum and I only wear silver jewellery so if DH had bought me a gold ring I would honestly want to change it as it just wouldn't be my taste or go with other jewellery I like to wear.
Also a solitaire can be very expensive compared to 5 separate stones, maybe that's why he chose it?

Oh dear you sound very immature. So many women think only of the proposal, the dress and the wedding day and forget what it’s really about. I think @hopeishere is spot on about social media giving people unrealistic expectations. My proposal wasn’t particularly romantic but I didn’t care because it meant I was marrying an amazing man. 25 years later he’s still amazing. I would maybe focus on what’s important.

OP, not sure why you're getting such a hard time. So what if you wanted a grand gesture proposal and a ring you like. It's not as if you're going out killing kittens on the side, you're not a bad person! I think it's a shame as you're missing out on the excitement of sharing your news and plans with family and friends. (I know some would argue, as modern women we should not make a fuss and head straight to the local registry office in our lunch hour to get married and head back to work). I get not everyone wants a huge fuss and that's fine but I don't think you should feel bad about because you did and it not being how you wanted. I had a nice proposal when we were out for a walk one day in a very scenic place. My dh had previously proposed to someone else, a big grand proposal abroad so in some ways (at the time) I felt mine was a bit thoughtless/low key in comparison, but on the flip side that relationship ended badly so maybe he just wanted it to be different. I love my ring now because of what is symbolizes, but it probably wouldn't have been my first choice, but it is a nice ring and it's special because he chose it. We've been married for 9 years now and honestly none of it matters. What matters is he has been a good husband and father to our dc and continues to support me every day in our life together.

My advice would be speak to him about the ring, be honest if it's something you really don't think you could live with.

Never mind proposals and you can always ask him if you could choose a ring together as your’s doesn’t quite look right or fit right. The wedding planning is the exciting bit, and you can start planning an engagement party post lockdown to take your mind off your disappointment?

Mine proposed the day after his heart attack. I thought it was trauma speaking so didn’t take him seriously at the time.

He did drive me all the way to Bourton on the water though- a very special place to me full of memories - to pick my own ring.

I don't remember DH's proposal. It was in a dingy bedsit in Ramsgate. I do remember that. I went into a shop and bought my own ring and I don't wear it now. However DH have been married for 33 years and happily at that.

I completedly understand you wanting a gold ring but ended up with platinum. Check the jewellery box - ring the company and ask if an exchange is possible before you raise it with him.

I’m sure there are exceptions, but it seems to me the flashier the proposal and more expensive the ring, the quicker the divorce...!
A friend’s DD was a prime example - whisked off for a romantic proposal in Venice, big ring, splashy wedding with all the trimmings. He cheated, they separated within 2 years, then divorced. Look at the “curse of Hello magazine” as well - fancy celeb proposals and weddings that crash and burn in a year.
My own DH and I never had a ring between us, (neither engagement nor wedding ring), he never proposed, and we just had a 2 witness wedding for financial security. But we adored each other to the day he died.

I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment

I just think it's so sad that we now have a culture in which these moments are seen as more important, and dreamed about more, than the realities of being in love, being married, building a life together. Those are the things I want little girls and teenagers and grown women to be dreaming of, not 'proposal moments'.

I would worry that you were more disappointed with the ring/proposal than being excited about getting married.
Listen to you gut. If you're not excited/happy now then maybe best not to bother.

Ok. Just to be clear.

There are no doubts over my reasons for wanting to get married or whether he is right for me.

It is possible to have a nice ring and a big wedding and shock horror, stay together and be happily married. It doesn't make your marriage more 'worthy' if you didn't celebrate it.

Especially if a big wedding and nice ring is well within your means - perhaps it's different if you break the bank in order to do so and it's all about the wedding and not about the marriage.

I've received some pretty unkind comments on here about my motivations for wanting to get married - he wanted to do the proposal and not just 'agree to be married'.

I'm confident and comfortable in my relationship, I wasn't looking for a hundreds of faceless keyboard warriors to tell me to call it off.

Thanks for all the people that have offered useful tips on the ring!

Why aren’t men expected to want a ‘dreamed for’ moment of proposal, with a woman going down in one knee and presenting a ring?

If you have the prefect romantic proposal in mind...., do it!