Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

My god, I've just read through pages of replies.
Just because op was somewhat disappointed with her proposal doesnt mean she's marrying the wrong man, that she's showy or a upcoming bridezilla.
I was so very disappointed with my proposal at the time, but I don't have social media, insta etc, so it had nothing to do with that, and by disappointment, I simply meant - I would have liked the circumstances to be better thought out. The timing was incredibly rubbish and I was sad at the time it would be the memories of that moment.
In terms of weddings, ideally it would like it to be just the two of us, no fuss, no great expense, just getting married and spending the day together- so yes, you can have proposal disappointment and not be a huge diva!
Find some replies commenting on OPs realtionship and how "they're not meant to be" really shocking!

Op, please dont take these comments to heart.

Dreams are rarely reality so better you get the fairytales out of your head as they ruin many an occasion, your proposal and perhaps your "fairytale" wedding. An engagement ring is his gift to your for your betrothal in marriage, he picked it because he liked it and hoped you would to and you accepted it when you said "yes". You sound most ungrateful and should perhaps think about what means more, the love and sincere gestures or your fiancee or the token of love. If I was aware as your fiancee of your obvious materialistic priorities I'd be having second thoughts. Don't crush the man who probably agonised over what ring to pick and saved up hard to purchase and then nervously proposed.

Wow, so many replies!

1. It's not a money issue, we are very lucky and the ring would have been relatively budget- less.

1. He's not tight or thoughtless.

1. He's not a poor sod for having to marry me - I am a bit of control freak and maybe princessy but that's no surprise to him - he knows my good and bad traits and he still wants to marry me, thanks very much.

Thanks for so much advice, there's been some really helpful thoughts.

You’ve been watching too many films and Instagram proposals!

He bought you that ring and proposed. He wanted that moment. And he may not like the pomp that goes on in films etc. If you’re like this with the proposal, god help you with planning a wedding.

Remember its a marriage not a wedding.

@fungalinthejungle could it be a blessing in disguise that the ring is too small for your ring finger? That could be an excuse to go shopping for one that's more your taste. When lockdown is over, perhaps you could make a day/weekend of it so you'll have some romantic memories.

Congratulations, by the way!

OP, I get it. My proposal was quite sweet but not what I would have picked. It was on my birthday, which was valentines's day (cheesy) and we'd just woken up and not even brushed our teeth! It was thoughtful but not the kids of proposal I would have chosen.

As for the ring, that is understandable too and I don't think it makes you ungrateful. I don't like my engagement ring either, it was chosen for me with no discussion, it's really not my style and is much smaller than I really would have liked. My DH had lots of disposable income at the time and when we talked about the ring years later he said he chose it as it is dainty, just like my hands. Quite sweet rationale but that doesn't make it something that I look down at and love. We've agreed that I can have an upgrade for our 10 year anniversary but now we have 3 kids I'm not sure I can see that ever happening due to finances, it would seem rather frivolous now.

I wonder if due to lockdown the store would honour a longer return period? Obviously that depends on how long he'd had the ring. Could you maybe suggest a day out to celebrate and incorporate going back to the shop? A way of shaking off any lockdown association to your engagement perhaps. It's really tricky as I'm sure you don't want to hurt his feelings but I do believe that you should love your engagement ring, it will be one of the most significant things you own and in my experience you don't grow to love it. If you can work out a way to get what you want now without upsetting him too much I'd do it. I do find it curious that men (my husband included) would choose something so important with no input from the person who is supposed to wear it every day, I would never choose an expensive watch for him without knowing what he wanted.

I don't remember our proposal as I was a bit pissed and too embarrassed/ashamed to ask DH! We visited jewellers and had ring made. Been married for 17 yrs though so it has worked out ok. OP, hope you either grow to love your ring or be brave and tell him. At least you remember your proposal!

I get it op.

The ring being too small is a perfect opportunity- book a nice day together and go and choose a new one with him, go for a nice meal/do something together you enjoy afterwards. Make that day special and a celebration.

And make sure the ring is what you like, it doesn't have to be a similar design. I'd tell him you were being polite about your friends- you'll laugh about it in the future I'm sure.

There are some miserable, mean-spirited replies in here fgs. “You are setting yourself up to be a Bridezilla...” “He’s obviously the wrong man...,”

The OP has the right to her own expectations. Good for her. She doesn’t need her feelings invalidated by people who try to convince themselves that they shouldn’t expect anything from men or that proposals should be a race to the bottom.

@monkeycats

Completely agree.

One of my friends was a total bridezilla but her husband clearly knew that before he proposed - it's part of her personality and he loves all of her.

It doesn't make her a bad person or mean she doesn't understand marriage.

Anyway OP, no you’re not a “princess” and obviously this can be salvaged.
Do gii know where he got the ring from? Was it custom made or from a jeweller? This might affect the returns policy.
If you really want gold, could you gently say that you love the ring, but as you normally wear gold and will be wearing this in your finger for the rest of your life, might it be possible to exchange for the same in gold?
Maybe you could say that you were thinking of gold wedding bands and want it to match?
Then, when you get to the shop, just pick up a gold diamond solitaire and say, “oh look, this would work..... no need for alterations..,,”
I’m sure he won’t mind. He probably wants you to have something you love and he did try..,

OP, I’m intrigued by these engagement videos that your friends have been sharing. I can’t imagine anything worse than being proposed to by a man with an iPhone in one hand videoing the moment, or in public with someone else filming us (the thought of ANYONE knowing before me that I was going to be proposed to is just awful), or (worst of all) by a secret hidden camera!

How did these people get the videos? Perhaps their proposals look lovely, but deep down they feel that they were quite superficial and made for Insta. Whereas yours was a genuine intimate, private moment.

As someone else suggested, just tell him gently that he was really smart to choose a ring like one you said you liked, however you were only being polite to that woman. Then you can have a good laugh, return it and choose a new one together.

Congratulations.

Another thing worth thinking about is that proposing is really really scary for the man. My husband proposed on a holiday but at the last possible moment- he said he has decided it would be on that holiday but kept chickening out/thinking he’d find a more perfect moment. We were pretty much packing to go home by the time he plucked up the courage! And he is not generally a shy and indecisive man.

Perhaps your fiancé just felt more at ease at home.

My DH planned a lovely proposal involving candles and rose petals... I ruined it... we're still married...

The marriage is the important thing.

I knows DH was going to propose. We even picked out a modest an in my view beautiful ring together. We live country walks in little known scenic places - every one we went on I thought would be The Place. He proposed in the kitchen of the unremarkable terrace where he lived just before a tv football game. It was awesome of him - I was totally unaware of his plans fabulous.

I think you should tell him about the ring and if you're to wear it for the rest of your life, change it for something you love but your disappointment in the proposal itself points to much bigger issues imo.

If he was "the one" and he proposed his way, that would be more than enough for you. More than that, the fact that your expectations for such an occasion are so high sets you up for disappointment forever if you marry him. I hate a big fuss over things like this, so does DH. I'd hate to be married to a fanfare type, but you seem the opposite.

Knew, love. And other typos

I totally get you, OP. Getting engaged is supposed to be an exciting event and yours was an anti climax. I have a beautiful engagement ring and I am so grateful that my now DH got to properly know my tastes before spending (a lot) of his hard earned cash on it. I have to wear it everyday and also everyone wants to see it when you have got engaged.

The proposal itself sounds a bit flat too and I'm sorry for that, again, we have an idea in our heads (well not all of us of course!) of what being proposed to will be like and you are disappointed in yours and that is that. Having said that, try and focus on the positives, plan an amazing wedding, you have control of this part !

My DH started his proposal by sitting me down and saying "Sally, there's something very important I wanted to ask you. We've been together for 8 years now. Don't you think it's time we..... called it a day and went our separate ways?". He looked so serious that for a few seconds I believed him! Then he said "Just kidding" and proposed. This was the perfect proposal for me. I'm a joker and hate anything too soppy and sentimental. He knows me so well, he knew this is the type of proposal I'd want. I suppose we're all different!

I think that if you loved the ring then the proposal not being what yu wanted maybe wouldn't be an issue also.

My (not then) husband slid out of bed, proposed & got back into bed!

I'm sure it wouldn't suit a lot of people, but it did us!

Then we walked into town & chose a ring- which needed to be resized.

So we didn't tell anyone until the next week when we had the ring.

Totally agree with Isawamagpie. Of course you are entitled to feel disappointed! I think lots of people dream about a lovely romantic engagement and when it doesn’t live up to it, it can be a little crushing! I know mine was - he didn’t even say anything nice like “will you marry me?” (Surely a low bar). It was “d’you wanna get married?”. Even now, when lovely proposal stories are shared or one happens in a film, I feel just a little...well, gutted. And for posters who didn’t feel like that and are piling on the OP with their sanctimonious “well, he’s obviously the wrong man”/“its the marriage that counts not the proposal”. Well, well done you and aren’t you simply marvellous .

@Devlesko - totally. What is all this stuff about dreaming of proposals, waiting for people to propose and stressing about rings. I just don’t get it. It’s the 21st century, we’re grown women.

I would strongly recommend you count your blessings and get over yourself tbh.
These wise words were told to me when I was upset at lack of flowers after Dd2 was born. Reason being they were all bought by people to show how much they loved Princess Di. Yes that along ago.
But wise words that fit your situation perfectly.

“It’s the 21st century, we’re grown women.”

Er yes, indeed we are, but what does that have to do with the price of the fish?

I think the problem here is that many posters like me a a few years older than you and have been married for many years. Things have changed a lot in the last few decades and priorities are different.

I was never the type to fantasize about my dream proposal or wedding, I wanted a long and successful marriage with a lovely man and that is what I've got.

I think with Instagram and reality TV there is a lot more pressure on ordinary people to live extraordinary lives. You say you're really excited to be married to him so I think your disappointment is because you've built so much emphasis on the proposal that it was an anticlimax. Just bare this in mind when you have your wedding.