Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

I felt like that when my ex husband proposed. I'd chosen my own ring though so I knew a proposal was coming. We were in York for the day so I assumed that was where he'd do it. It was super busy (I'm too shy to want it seen by others) so every time he stopped, I legged it. It eventually happened and it was shit. He re-did it at home and it was better. I always assumed it was terrible because I kind of knew he was the wrong person.

My DP proposed to me the day before lockdown started. We'd been in hospital with the baby for a couple of weeks and he'd managed to sneak out and buy a ring. We went for a walk (expecting it to be quiet as we knew lockdown was coming, and it was heaving with people!) it was a total surprise which threw me. As there were a couple of people around, I panicked a little and sounded so ungrateful. I even mentioned the ring was all wrong and not what I wanted. It's more like a wedding ring than an engagement ring and not at all like the beautiful and unusual rings I chose for myself the first time around.
My DP took it really well and explained that he'd had trouble getting anything at short notice (I have really small fingers so my size isn't usually stocked) so he'd gone for the best he could find, knowing lockdown was on the way. He said we could swap it, but now we've been on lockdown so long I don't think we'll be able to.

I feel really ungrateful as I haven't even worn it. He also went a size up because I'd mentioned my fingers looked bigger after pregnancy so the ring is a little loose. I looked up the price and am disappointed as it feels like he cheaped out - it was cheap to start with but was also on sale. I like a bargain and wouldn't have been happy if he'd spent a lot, but I thought he'd spend more than he did. He also knew I wanted a vintage/antique ring. The only thing he got right was that it's white gold - but it's 9ct not 18 so again it shows the cheapness.

As I'm not really a jewellery wearer anyway, I'll just do without a ring and keep it as my wedding ring (while probably always thinking of him as a cheapskate who didn't buy two rings ). I expected to be very excited when the right person asked me to marry them but it turns out I'm just a grumpy bastard who likes to find something to complain about. He'd done his best and it is a nice ring, just not what I wanted.

I don't think you're with the wrong person OP, just that you didn't get the circumstances you hoped for and you're allowed to be grumpy about that. If he didn't take it badly that you don't like it, and you can laugh about him getting it so wrong, there's no problem at all. Hopefully you can get it changed. I'm doubtful that we can so that's why I'm keeping it as a wedding ring now. Maybe he could re-propose somewhere pretty once lockdown finally ends?

Sorry OP, I'm another one who finds the whole idea of the man having to do the 'perfect' proposal somewhat ridiculous. I just don't get it. We discussed marriage and what we wanted our marriage to look like. And we decided to get married - joint decision, no proposal, no ring. Our marriage has seen it's pressures - bereavements, multiple mcs, children, ill health, yet somehow, desplte the handicap of no proposal or engagement ring, we've made it through almost 40 years as a married couple. I can't tell you all the things my Dh has done for me throughout our time together, things that show me how much he loves me, far, far more than any proposal or engagement ring could have done. But I can tell you that if every one of those acts, large and small, were diamonds, I'd own all the diamonds in the world and there would still not be enough.

Poor man.

I'm sorry I haven't read all the replies as they seem to mostly say the same thing

I was proposed to in Feb 2019. I was sat, with a on coming migrane, in my pyjamas, on my sofa, calendar in hand after having an argument with my ex H about our child, trying to work out dates for shared care. I was feeling utter shit.
In this moment my fella gets down on one knee and pops the question.
The ring isn't what I expected or wanted at all, although some thought had gone into it.

I kept repeating "oh my god. Your kidding me. You're asking me here? Now? This is terrible timing"

I said yes, then proceeded to panic as I just felt like I should at least be dressed for the occasion, truly he threw me well out. I imagined he might ask me walking in the park with our dogs, as I love to be outside.
Not in my stuffy (rented) horrible house, during an argument with my ex H.

I spent the night actually crying (and honestly, I'm not prone to dramatics, I don't even like weddings, but I really thought my engagement might have been better thought out than that), I made him feel like absolute crap at the time by being upset.

Its now a year on, and I've fallen in love with my ring, he wants to "upgrade" it, but to be honest, its the one he picked, when thinking of me, to ask me to be his wife. The pure symbolism of it is enough for me.
Also, the way he purposed, its because really he was so nervous having the ring, he just wanted to ask and have it done.

I like you, was just so terribly gutted at the purposal that I didn't see the little things that were so sweet about it. Please don't be like me and ruin what should be a wonderful moment. It didn't happen the way you envisaged it, but it did happen. You're probably a little bit shocked right now (I know I was at the time) I remember thinking "thats going to be my purposal story?!"

But a year on, none of it matters, I've actually recently brought a frame with the word "engagement" on it, to put a picture from around that time in, because in these convid times I've really come to realise just how wonderful these things are, doesn't matter how it comes to be.

Give yourself some time to accept it wasnt as you thought it might be, I think I'm pretty sure that in time it won't matter - and please give the ring chance too. Remember what it symbolises and that it was chosen with wanting to spend the rest of his life with you.

It took me time, but like I said I dont even want to change the ring now, and my only regret is wasting time being upset that I didn't have "the perfect purposal" instead of enjoying the moment.

Do people expect to wear engagement rings for life?

I wear mine every day never take it off. Been married 29 years this year. My husband completely fluffed what he had prepared to say and mumbled and stuttered but I got the gist! I think being in lockdown has probably made this a bigger deal than normal.

My Husband proposed at home- just us two which suited me as I don't like a lot of fuss. We chose our engagement ring together so I like the ring chosen. We have been married 15 years, I just wear my wedding ring now as I'm not a big jewellery fan. The engagement is just the beginning- marriage is what it is really about. Agree Disney films have a lot to answer for. OP could you have an engagement party once Covid-19 is over ? Maybe put an announcement with photos on Facebook?

I would go shopping for a ring you like when lockdown is over. Looking at something you don't like for the rest of your life will irk you and reinforce any negative feelings that grow in the marriage. When you fall out, as you will, you may well feel that all the signs were there in the rubbish marriage proposal with the useless ring. It sounds to me as though some of the signs of how you are going to make the marriage work are present, i.e. you are going to have to take some control over things that matter to you but not to him, and you are going to have to start communicating that they matter. Why didn't he at least take you for a lovely walk before proposing to you? I agree we are all fed the princess myth and it's damaging, but the point of the tradition is that it should make your boyfriend think about how he's going to behave for the rest of his life towards you - and that means demonstrating some effort.

OP. Ive been married 8 years now, but like you when DH proposed it was a weird one.

I thought I wanted everything you describe. He did it over dinner in a restaurant on holiday and it was CRINGE. As soon as he started my whole body went "omg no, not here... i don't want this afterall!" ... everyone was looking and he was SO nervous because of the public situation which he hated, but did because he thought that's how it should be done/ what I wanted. I thought I wanted it too till it had happened! No knee, cos he was shaking. Honestly wish we'd been home alone now. I still remember the cringe.

The ring? Well. Several months before we'd been passing a jewellers and pointed at one and commented how classic and lovely it was. The right he got me was the one NEXT to the one I'd pointed at! It just wasn't right for me and I didn't have the heart because he was so pleased he had listened and remembered.

However I really enjoy jewellery, so I chose a band i really loved and i wear that (really sparkly) the e.ring sits in a sentimental box and perhaps we will give it to the kids when older.

It probably feels an issue now because its compounded by lockdown and lack of celebrating but if you love him get excited about wedding planning instead.

Ask him to change the ring and go shopping together. My friend changed hers I was like 'oh' at first but you know what you have to wear it everyday

I can understand your disappointment in always dreaming of your proposal being different and it's ok to feel that way just accept it and move on so it doesn't cause issues down the line

My DH made a effort with our proposal and it was very sweet but a little corny haha but it's the best feeling being married to him and I don't think about the proposal much life gets in the way

I love my ring he had another for the proposal (more of a ticket) then we picked mine together it's the one he liked and I agreed and even now I enjoy looking at it

Crikey some if the expectations on here are incredible. DH just asked at an impromtu moment although it was in a rose garden at a ball and we were drinking champagne but we were just on a bench and it wasn't staged. Just part of a nice night although looking back it sounds romantic.

Only the next day did he say "oh I suppise you'll want a ring". Er yes please. "Are you going to want to go to more than one shop?" Er yes. "Hmm, do you fancy chosing it and I'll go and pay for it then" Yes OK, what's the budget? "How much for one bigger than Mary's" (not real name). With a saphire and not three diamonds about £2 5k. "Will you be happy with that" Yep.

Nearly 30 years ago now. Comes off for pastry making. Has had a couple of repairs over the years and has been resized. Still love it.

However I knew from the outset I was not marrying a particularly romantic or showy chap but loved him nevertheless and live him more now. To be fair a piece of string would have done if it meant we were forever bonded.

Someone I know made her dh propose three times as the first two weren't good enough

Maybe you could ask him to do it again?

Honestly though I don't think the proposal matters although I understand you being disappointed. It's not a big deal in the big scheme of things. But you have to wear to ring forever. If you think you're never going to like it would it be possible to change it or would he be upset?

Sorry OP but you do sound like a bit of an ungrateful princess - very few things in real life live up to our expectations. You say he is a lovely
Kind amazing man - that's infinitely more important than what you wear on your finger.

Maybe when you get the ring re sized get the band colour more to your choosing? Don't change it completely and don't ask him to do it again - if I proposed to someone and they did that I'd be cancelling the wedding

At least you weren't sat next to a bin.

I think the whole proposal nonsense is such a big deal that it freaks a lot of men out - my DH acted weird for days beforehand, I thought he'd lost his job and couldn't figure out how to tell me all.

If you don't like the ring, have a chat with him. Mine only comes out for the odd dinner these days as it's too big for every day life!

Grand gesture proposals to show off on social media are tacky. So many then have the photo shoot of the engagement and usually followed by what feels like years and years of wedding planning.

If you truly love him and want to spend your life with him it wouldn’t matter what the proposal or ring was like. If he read this thread do you think he’d still want to get married?

I actually proposed to my other half after uhhhh, 6 months together. We were in bed about to go to sleep and it was Leap Year day and I made a joke about how if he asked me I’d say yes, but if I asked him he’d say no. He said “try me” so I did and he said yes then we started giggling. I bought him a ring, he’s into vikings so found a cool one on Etsy and he bought me a ring a month later but it’s dead cheap because I place absolutely no value on the price of it, I think it was £70. I’d shown him a website I liked and the style and what he got me was the total opposite and I was totally deflated when I saw it and nearly cried however I didn’t show it because it wasn’t important. He bought what he thought was nice. Even if I now have to wear a huge lump of raw moonstone in my finger haha

I didn't even get a proposal - I proposed (sort of) to him, and I ended up buying my own ring more than a year later in a hurry with both of our wedding rings as I had just been paid and he hadn't, and we had to plan our wedding in a rush due to the cancer diagnosis and imminent death of his father. We couldn't be happier! Mind you I have been hinting that I would like him to buy me a diamond for some time.... It would be nice to have something he had chosen ( with my input of course)

My proposal involved secret emergency international flights me thinking I was meeting my sister for a drink but dh appearing (he was supposed to be abroad) and fountains

I don't want to be nasty but a proposal is about 2 people, not a fanfare. How do you feel about marrying him? That's what it is about. Not anything else. It's not a play!

I dont wear any of my rings at all!

This is why I hate the whole proposal thing. You both want to marry each other and yet somehow the onus is on the man to make the proposal amazing and special for the woman - why? I genuinely don’t understand it. DH and I had a conversation about wanting to be married and then went ring shopping and I chose my own (and paid for it myself). I wasn’t even sure why I needed an engagement ring tbh - and I think that was more about societal “ooh let’s see the ring!” than anything else. I chose one I liked and it was £250.
We are completely equal - it was never about him deciding we should be married and a showy proposal wasn’t important.
But good god I love that man so much . We’ve been married 18 years.

You have had a hard time OP.

I love my ring. Looking at it all these years on, it still makes me smile. Dh proposed at home with it on one knee after we had been to a restaurant. Later, I wondered why he hadn't done it at the restaurant and he said he was embarrassed about the thought of me shrieking with excitement. In reality, I was so shocked I was dumbfounded and silent. And our engagement was the most exciting magical time.

So I think you have probably conflated these 3 different things. 1) the unexciting proposal 2) the ring itself and 3) not being able to celebrate at this time. It doesn't mean you love your bf any less. You can't do anything about the proposal, it is what it is, but if you don't like the ring then either find a way to tell him or make up for it with the wedding band like lots of other people do. Why don't you send out an engagement announcement to your friends and family and do a zoom party this weekend? Everyone is looking for cheery news in these times.

I chose my ring when I got engaged, yes I loved it and wore it.... But it caught on towels and other materials, so it became annoying to wear, and I took it off and just wore my wedding ring. After 30 years my fingers got sensitive and I just didn’t like the feel of rings on my fingers, so wear nothing on them now.

Marriage is so much more than just a ring and a marriage certificate. Really caring for each other and showing it is what it’s actually about.

The hardest thing about my engagement was not having a 'story' to tell friends and family. Looking back 20 years I could have reframed what did happen to make it sound more socially normal.
Swap the ring, I never wear mine, too delicate for my podgy, working hands. I looked like an idiot when people said 'show us the ring', sticking a paw out with a tiny, elf like band, lost in the flesh. And it was 2nd hand (probably nicked) and worn out from someone else's life.

I tried buying a lovely ring to match my wedding band after the kids, DH was again an utter unromantic, made a complete lack of effort, almost delibrate. So I focus on other stuff, ignore our anniversary, it's not important to us equally, so save your heart ache and find common ground elsewhere.

You're problem was the expectation you built up. Learn from this and ensure you don't aim for a fairy tell wedding and remember that marriage is about the commitment you make to someone for the rest of your life. The rituals associated to them are a minor part of it..

Maybe I've heard too many hyped up proposal stories.

Yup. I'll say...

You're not living in a fairytale, don't compare yourself (or your engagement ring) to others, focus on what matters which is that someone loves you and you love them and want to spend your lives together.