Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

I can see why you're disappointed but I'd let the lack of proposal go. He probably thought, after 11 years, that it was a bit of a given anyway and unless you had communicated your thoughts about romantic gestures to him, then I can see why he wouldn't have pushed the boat out.

I have been engaged twice, and married the second one - but no proposal in either case, imagine!

The first ring was definitely NOT what I would have chosen as it was far too "girly" for me, and incompatible with the job I did. Expensive though! But that didn't matter - I'd have been happier with a cheaper ring that suited me better. As it turned out, he wasn't the one, despite having been with him for over a decade (he fucked off with someone else).

Didn't get a ring at all with no.2 so I made sure my wedding ring had diamonds in it, and pushed for a half-eternity ring later to get my "bling". It DOES matter that you like the ring that you have to live with. It's not petty, or princessy, it's just a part of your daily look that should reflect who you are.

So I would say, as this one doesn't fit, it would be a good idea to go with him back to the shop when lockdown lifts and somehow just SEE one that is perfect for you (and fits) and say you could just change it for that one rather than going to the expense of getting the one you currently have re-sized... if he's half the bloke you say he is, he should be able to accept that and be happy that you're getting something you really love.

I think it is common when we imbue a moment with expectations and nurse it as a fantasy for a long time that when it fails to meet expectations there is a sadness and disappointment.

If, on the other hand, you like flamboyant romantic gestures and your soon to be husband neither knows nor cares you need to have a serious talk and a rethink about how you will sort that out in the long term.

My DH proposed at home on a random Thursday night in October with a very modest small-diamond ring. I loved it because it was very him - low key, no fanfare. He just isn't like that. He proposed to me because he wanted us to get married and he didn't overspend because we're not really like that. We had a lovely wedding and are happily married.

Oh I meant to ask OP - is your fiancé generally good at the romantic gestures, or is it not a thing he is into? And you - do you generally request big romantic gestures? Because if neither of those things apply, it does seem more unreasonable to expect him to have thought of it.

And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that.

Ouch! Is he generally a bit tight, OP?

FWIW, I didn't even get a proposal. I had to propose to HIM. Not only that, but my ring was the cheapest in the shop and he still grumbled about that and didn't want to buy it. The wedding was shit as well.

Believe it or not, we have been happily married for 18 years .

My experience was the complete opposite - can’t give specific details but let’s say dozens of people in on a charade, family present, total surprise followed by a party.

Never told partner ( not married yet) but I’d kind of fantasised about it being on a little weekend away or a pretty walk in the countryside. Private . I could never tell him that because he is so proud.

Tell him the ring isn’t your style, and you would find it so romantic to go ring shopping together and make a day of it.

I told DP I wanted a specific bridal set and not to buy me a surprise ring. If I'm expected to wear something for everyday for the rest of my life I want it to be something I love.

How about you get it re-set? I'm doing that with mine, as it catches. It costs from about £250 and if you want more diamonds etc that will cost a bit more. That might be an option instead of returning the ring and risk hurting DFi feelings?

Did he know any of your hopes and dreams for the proposal?

It's rather a red flag in the relationship ifyou
(1) hadn't ever talked to him about something so important to you, but
(2) still expected him to know how you felt.

You should never expect someone to be able to read your mind. If you find it hard to talk to him about things that mean a lot to you (tactfully, pleasantly, and with no hint that you are finding fault) then please work on that before committing to marriage.

My DIL got sick of waiting, she told me if my DS didn’t propose she would have to. They were going overseas and she wanted to be married before, plus they had been together for around nine years. He bought a dress ring and proposed, they changed it and they bought an engagement ring that she liked. They have been happily married for fifteen years now. DS adores his wife and has since the day he met her, she is the love of his life.

DS has always been a bit clueless though, when he was in Year 12 high school he said he was waiting for a particular girl to ask him to the high school end of school night. (Prom type of thing). I told him he would have to ask her as she didn’t go to his school.

Sometimes he forgets DIL’s birthday, he said he wonders why she gets up In the morning and is grumpy, then realises he has forgotten and has to rush out and get it. I told him to make sure he has bought her gift the week before her birthday. He buys nice things for her, such as lap top type gifts, he just leaves it to the last minute.

OP

My ring is not what I like either, the difference between us, is the ring was his mother's and the only thing he really has of her and he gave it to me.

I get why DP used that ring, but if there was no emotion behind it, I would probably get it changed, I think people are jumping on the fact that you are saying the actual proposal is not how you like, but that doesn't really matter to me it would be the ring. If I am wearing and seeing something every day it would have to be something I like and would suit me.

I have gotten very use to it though and wouldn't want to be without it now

Shouldn't a proposal also be about what he wants? Why does it always have to be about what the woman wants, making it special for her, getting the perfect ring. It's a load of nonsense when you think about it. It was the right proposal for him, think of it that way.

If you're happy to be marrying him then that's the important thing. Not being able to celebrate with family and friends must be disappointing but the wedding is the real celebration and you'll get to have that at some point in the future.

@multivac - love your post!

And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that

I think that's really lovely. You saw one you liked and mentioned it, he took note, and then hunted around to find a similar one or even got one made like it. That's really thoughtful and romantic.

And a proposal is the first step to a marriage, it's not a performance.

I think you're being a bit churlish, tbh.

What would bother me is that he either doesn't know you well enough to know what you want in a proposal or he doesn't care.

but the one he wanted would get to the shop today. H Samuel. Yeh. Imagine my face.

This sort of comment annoys me no end. What difference does it make where your ring came from as long as it was purchased with love and the want to spend the rest of your life with someone?

Jesus Christ.

DH proposed at home. I was recently pregnant .

It was wonderful but I didn’t realise that he’d been carrying the ring around for months before hand trying to propose to me in all sorts of places.
It made sense when I looked back.
We used to do a lot of long walks in different parts of the countryside and sometimes we’d get to a summit or a beautiful spot and he’d stay dawdling and become quiet and almost a bit emotional.
I’d be there just skipping along and hurrying him on his way, poor guy.

Anyway, a year later we went back to one of the places he said he’d really wanted to propose to me and he got down on one knee.

It felt very special.
He got the proposal he really wanted too.

Some men are just so very shy even when the only audience is a field of sheep.

You are clear that you were expecting a romantic proposal which must by definition include a ring.

You do not like the ring.

Exactly how had you communicated in advance the type (full specifications) of the ring you really wanted?

My proposal was a a little odd. We both had a vomiting bug and were at the end of it. We were sititng in front of the tv in dressing gowns all pale and sweaty and DH asked me then.

He's felt guilty about it for 20 years. I think it's hilarious.

Your ring is a symbol of his love. You will come to love it. Try at least. Maybe plan for a wedding or eternity ring that compliments your ring and gives it that added something.

Congratulations!

When I received a (not very nice) engagement ring from my now DH I was happy to be proposed to but the ring was really awful.

It was the first really difficultly honest conversation I had to have with him and IMVHO if you can’t sit your DF down, look him straight in the eyes and say “I absolutely love you to pieces and I’m excited to marry you, but the ring just isn’t me. I love what it means but after all this lockdown shit is over can we go choose one together and the we can have a mini celebration with a drink and some nice food?”

This plays to your wish to have a ring you actually like PLUS showing you want to celebrate your engagement together with him.

It’s an AWKWARD convo, especially when you see their face fall. But don’t be afraid to be honest as that’s the thing that in the long run will count and he’ll be happy you can talk to him about stuff that’s not easy.

My DM always said an engagement is only a promise to marry you. The marriage is the commitment to each other.

So the ring is wrong metal and too small

Change it

You will be wearing it rest of your life hopefully

Not sure why so many here are married but don’t wear their rings or know where they are - unless they don’t fit anymore due to gaining weight

In the end it’s a proposal. Tho mine was lovely And we chose our ring together

It’s the marriage that counts

Our wedding has been cancelled. Was meant to be 3w today :(

It’s shit having all plans ruined but we are alive and Healthy and happened to many

Throw an engagement party if you went once c is over

Or pick a date and plan your wedding

I should also mention btw that off the back of my confession to DH we went and shopped for one together and it was a really great experience. I love my engagement ring an awful lot, it’s really unusual and as DH said it’s the last thing he’d have thought of.

I can't wear either my wedding nor my eternity rings because I get sweat dermatitis under them (being in Australia) and now they don't fit anyway. Neither of them can be "rolled" because of the inset diamonds - it would apparently loosen the settings - so would need cutting and extra gold bits inserting. I can't be doing with this because of the sweat dermatitis issue, so I wear them on a chain round my neck when I feel like it.

Can't be any worse than the "proposal" I got, OP. He didn't even ask me, just said things like "we really should get married", "we've gotta sort that", "must get you a ring". Then one day after work he came and met me and we were passing a jeweller's and he just said "let's go in and have a look", and that's when I got my ring. Put it on my own finger in the car on the way home. Incredibly disappointing and borderline embarrassing. Didnt ask me properly, no chat about how he feels, nothing. Just awful. Wedding still hasn't happened.