To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

I live about 2 miles away from Abercarn, OP- come join us, we’re nice round here, honest! My brother has actually just Monet the other way- Abercarn to London for work!

*moved! I don’t know what Monet had to do with it?!

I'm from the valleys and thankfully am soon going to be moving away (don't want to bring my new baby daughter up here) It's not multi-cultural, there's not alot to do, and alot of the places are stuck in a time warp. If you were to even consider moving from London I would choose Cardiff, it's a world away from the valleys.

And absolutely agree with Wiltingflower

Christ op this man has disaster written all over him. He's a massive mummy's boy and moving to wales and having your life controlled by him and his mum would be the second biggest mistake of your life. Your first was giving up your job for him.

I'm from the Caribbean and used to live in a small farming community in Wales. I loved it.

Yes, it wasn't diverse, but people were curious in a very friendly way - I felt like I stood out a bit at first but once we all got used to each other it was great and a close community - a bit like being back home where everyone knows each other and looks out for each other.

I feel stressed for you OP just reading this. Do NOT do anything you don’t want to. I cannot understand anyone who professes to love their partner wanting them to move away from where they are happy and successful. Once you’ve gone, you will never be able to reverse the decision if you’re unhappy as he wouid never agree to returning to London. Stay strong and don’t back down. He is being totally unreasonable wanting to uproot you from where you are so settled.

Don’t do it! I was persueded to leave my lovely job and London when I had kids to be near his parents. I found it very hard to lose my mates, the places to go, the excitement of London . Much harder than I thought. The countryside is lovely here, but it can feel quite isolated because people are of a different mentality - more middle manager types. My London friends were mostly in creative industry.
I also couldn’t find a job that fit round kids so went from super duper job to sahm. A massive change and I lost my identity and confidence.
Think really carefully. What will you personally gain from moving? He’ll be near his parents, kids can play in country ( until they become 14 when they will be sooooo bored and dream of escaping) . You sound v happy where you are, be very very careful before you give it up xxx

Also don’t get the financial thing. You’ll be leaving £45 behind..what will you be earning there? Agree with Pol, it sounds like he’s doing his best to keep on at you till you agree. This is what happened to me and against all my instincts I finally agreed coz he wore me down. Do Not Let thisis happen to you! - I have also found out that I’ve been gently controlled for years...could this be his plan, however unlikely it seems? You will be away from the support network you’ve created after 15 years. Reliant on him and his family. Red flags op! Sorry if I’m being ott, but am v suspicious!

Abercarn has stunning scenery but nothing else! 5 miles down the road, on the outskirts of Newport it’s a different story! If you do relocate then Cardiff or Newport are both ethnically diverse and my own mixed race children have had no issues. The Walsh language issue is a non-issue as almost nobody speaks Welsh around here. Cardiff is a fabulous city and I love where I live because there is so much variety on the doorstep, BUT it is not London!
If you spend a lot of time in central London you will be frustrated at the limitations of life here and there is no point moving if you don’t have a job. Compared to London house prices are very cheap in some areas, but mostly in areas with poor facilities like Abercarn. House prices in Cardiff would be too high for your income in many areas.
Having said all that, I would choose Cardiff over Croydon every time.

Thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to comment. You’ve given me so much to think about! My gut is telling me to stay in London for the time being but I will set up jobs alerts for my field in Cardiff to see what my earning potential would be there. But definitely won’t move without a job offer there. And I want to see if he will actually finish this degree as well and what comes of that. Thanks everyone! :)

I used to live in north wales. Even though my dad is from there originally I experienced a lot of "racism" for being English. People were small minded and didn't like outsiders. I am not saying it's necessarily a welsh thing, it's also a small community thing. But I didnt really enjoy my time there.

@dgarcia85 That sounds like the best thing to do.
There are well-paid jobs here, but not as many as you'd find in London of course.
And, your dp does sound like a bit of a dreamer. Waiting to see if he actually finishes that degree is an excellent idea - then take a look at how keen he is to chase higher-paid jobs.
He's not a provider at the moment, and you'd want to be at least close to equal if you have kids with him.
I really, really wouldn't move to Abercarn either. Cardiff would be by far the best place if you do make the move.
If you went to Abercarn with him, I reckon you'd be back here posting one of the many MIL/DH problem threads I'm afraid.

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but I've seen affordable shared ownership houses around Purley and that area. One in particular was on Broomhall road and offered for sale by L&Q. I can't find the listing now, I've only got the floorplan, so it may be under offer or taken off the market but there are properties out there.

I now live in a 2 bed house with a garden that's cheaper than renting. The key is to look for older shared ownership properties that are on resale. Their rent for the unowned portion is cheaper, since it's always based on the original sale price. New builds have astronomical rents.

If you keep your eye out on sharetobuy.com you may see something that suits. Hope it helps

Lots of posters are suggesting you stay put in London OP but I'm not sure why... You'll never afford London prices

Lady, you can do better.

This isn’t about moving to Wales. It’s about a relationship between two people with very different life goals and aspirations with some superficial papering over the cracks.

He sees London as a temporary indulgence before trotting back to Wales to live exactly as his parents and family live, with a wife as a holiday souvenir. If you don’t want to live like his parents, then don’t go.

There’s nothing wrong with what he wants, but I’m fairly sure it’s not what you want. You’ll regret it.

There are no forever partners. Plenty of people get the rug pulled from under them in their 50’s after years of doing everything right in a relationship.

Him mentioning staying at home to look after a child’s a red flag to me because childcare fees aren’t forever. Women who take time out from careers to be sahm can find it hard to get going again, how is someone with no career going to establish after 4 years out?.

One of our relatives worked throughout her kids childhoods full time in law, 6 weeks maternity leave each time & it must have killed her to go back so quickly. They have put everything into their kids upbringing while maintaining her career and now she is on a fantastic package which is handy because now the kids are grown and will need university paying for too. Their kids will graduate with no debt & can get on with their lives straight away.

The Welsh LOVE wales, there’s a lot of nationalism under the surface, my parents worried about getting fire bombed until their nationalist ndn pointed out their terrace was attached to her & she didn’t want her house burning down too. They have a deep love for Wales & you can’t knock them for it. Did you ever watch Gavin & Stacey? When Stacey wanted to move back to Wales & couldn’t believe Gavin didn’t see it as the most wonderful place ever?. That’s what a lot of them are like.

Wales is beautiful but when the mines shut some places just never got going again and the European Union poured a lot of money into the area to improve it. People in my parents village got free roves done, free double glazing, they brick paved the entire main road pavements and it looked fantastic. But there was no jobs to go for.

Even if you did move could you move to local government in Wales given from my understanding you have to speak Welsh.
🙄 Nope

Surely with you earning a Welsh salary and him still studying I don’t know how you would manage financially living in Wales

"a welsh salary" No idea how anybody 'manages' in Wales. 🙄 Have an actual house and car and clothes and everything!

Have you ever been to Wales😂😂

There is a reason why property is cheaper in Wales, and part of it is that there are fewer services and amenities available there

😂😂😂

Some friends moved to Bristol area (teacher & NHS), to be nearer Welsh family. Salaries not that different & much better quality of life.

Totally agree with the pp that it’s “alarm bells” that his mother is trying to persuade him to move back to the small town he grew up in. This reeks of an insular mindset and general lack of ambition within the wider family and it’s worrying.

If I lived in a small town and my son was thinking of having children, I’d be telling him to get his arse in gear and step up. Not just take the easiest route and come back to square one. Some people can’t comprehend anything outside their little bubble, but this would literally make me want to scream.

You wouldn’t just be moving to Wales. You would be mining into a very limited mindset and low expectations and this will most likely do your head in. If you are commuting into Cardiff for work, no doubt his mother will have something to say about that as well. Look at her life - do you want this for yourself and your children?

@sleepingpup you knows we get paid in , mun!

You don't have a Wales problem.
You have a DP problem.

Op I think I'd have to have an honest discussion where he understands that you won't be moving to anywhere but Cardiff/Bristol and not in the suburbs etc. Make it clear you won't be moving down the road from his mum.
I think I'd be saying I wouldn't move til after he's qualified, do you think the part time option is so you'd move back home have babies and he could give it up?
Set up the job alert so you can see what's available.
But work hard on progressing your own career

Christ love, Wales is the least of your worries. He's one of those men. Born in his comfort zone. It took fifteen years for him, as a young single man, to muster up the energy to start a part time OU degree fgs- not knocking the OU, but surely IT is the worst thing to do part time, it's always changing.

Why couldn't he have looked for one of those IT apprenticeship conversion things that some companies do? My friend did one recently, she did some sort of course with the company, the weekly apprenticeship pay was a bit shit, but she went from agency admin jobs to a very good job doing things with computers that I don't quite understand, in the space of a year. I bet he wouldn't ever have started the degree without your prompting anyway.

He wants to go back home and potter around in a little job and not do much. I know the type, there's plenty where I live, there's nothing inherently wrong with them, but they have no ambition, aren't very proactive, and are content to be carried through life.

I also feel like him suggesting he stay at home with the kids is a total red flag. I am always quite suspicious of men who are very eager to suggest that. Of course there are lots of lovely SAHDs out there, but there's also an awful lot who think it's an easy option. Do you really think that as a SAHD he's going to be proactive about going to baby groups, making sure toddler has a healthy lunch, going to splash time at the pool? He'll probably sit about and let his mum do it.