To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

He’s treating you like a princess because he’s hoping to take you back to live with his mother in wet Wales!

It didn't rain here at all today, AdaColeman

He’s treating you like a princess because he’s hoping to take you back to live with his mother in wet Wales!

LOL maybe! He’s an only child and his mother desperately misses him. She’s always treated me with kindness but the last time I was there she did say I was being unreasonable and that she can’t understand why I won’t move to Wales and move in with them until we have jobs because ‘family is most important thing’ Which I found strange but then I’m not a mother of an only child so maybe that’s normal? lol

Sounds like typical Welsh valleys' family to be honest! We all moved back in with my parents (with our partners and children!) to save money or while waiting to complete on our houses. I see my family several times a week as do most people I know. It's not usually to do with needing to cut apron strings or not growing up or all those other MNisms. It takes a village and all that.

Here's some light-hearted reasons to move though www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/fun-stuff/48-totally-understandable-reasons-no-15131276.amp

OP, if I were you I'd wait until the children arrive before making a decision.
If you do go, then having kids can be a good way to get to know other people.
If you stay, it may help your DP settle for the same reason. Has he got a social circle in London yet?

I really wouldn't quit your job and move to Wales without a job to go to. I think having found a decent job should be a red line for moving.

Don't do it. OP. I moved from south to north nearly seven years ago, sort of against my will, and still haven't got over it. The missing and longing for my old home and friends has never gone away.

There are definitely lovely places in Wales. I’ve even climbed Snowdon (never again). Tenby is pretty and Pembrokeshire. I love the valleys etc, but living there is obviously a different matter.

I’m from an area in another Euro country that gets a lot of rain relative to other parts and for this reason, people from the Mediterranean side are not exactly rushing in droves to move over there, but I think that’s fair enough? Each to their own. Although it’s beautiful, it’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and I don’t blame them. Weather factors are more important to some people than others. It’s the same with the Lake District. As soon as you get anywhere near it, the mist and drizzle descend. If you have even a touch of SAD, then stay clear,

My advice would be to stay in the London area where there are far more opportunities and possibilities. Brexit and Covid will have hugely damaging effects on Wales/the Welsh economy and the impact will be felt for years.

OP, if I were you I'd wait until the children arrive before making a decision.If you do go, then having kids can be a good way to get to know other people.If you stay, it may help your DP settle for the same reason. Has he got a social circle in London yet?

Yes it’s not an urgent decision atm. We don’t really need to decide until our future kid is ready for primary school. I wouldn’t want to move around after that once he/she is settled in school. It’s just that we fight whenever it’s brought up and obvs the fighting on the same issue is draining

And no he doesn’t have a social circle in London which I think is a big part of the problem. His only friends are my friends partners and he only sees them when we all get together. Once lockdown is over I think I’m definitely going to push him to make more of an effort to meet new people I think it will help for sure.

I moved to north wales to live with my DP who swore it'd be brilliant and we'd live near his family (who I was very close with). I had a good job, in a nice area with friendly colleagues. We settled into a lovely spacious house by the coast and it looked idyllic.

I hated it. I found it very gossipy, anti-english and i was such an outsider. I took welsh lessons, volunteered at a local primary too to try and strengthen my welsh and do something for the community but even that backfired. I didn't mind being far from the airports, shops, bars and restaurants that we gave up in our previous city. I tried so so hard. But I wasn't from that area and therefore I was foreign.

I will always have a soft spot for a very beautiful part of the world. But to me, it was insular, unwelcoming and parochial. It was so hard leaving the relationship but goodness me my life changed for the better the moment I left!

My advice would be to stay in the London area where there are far more opportunities and possibilities. Brexit and Covid will have hugely damaging effects on Wales/the Welsh economy and the impact will be felt for years.

Unfortunately I think this is likely to be true.

His mother sounds over bearing to make that comment to you, most parents want their best for their children and would encourage them to move away and find a great career - and she is only 55, that rather reflects on her life choices.

I am older than her, also with an only child, a DS, (& coincidently living not far from Abercarm ) but there is no way on earth that I would want my DS to ‘settle down’ near me .... I want my DS to make the most of all the opportunities life can offer him .... not come home to mummy.

@RoryGilmoree wow I’m sorry you had such a bad experience :( According to my OH, South Wales is much more welcoming of outsiders than North Wales. I have no idea if that’s true of if he’s just saying that to make me feel better. But I’m happy for you that you’re in a happier place now :)

Cardiff lovely. Wouldn't live in Newport (sorry Newport had to spend a day there on two different occasions and it felt like it was all closing down). However it's got an easy link to London. Wales in general, lovely, I'd buy a house there but as pp have said jobs rurally hard to come by. Vote for Cardiff.

To be honest your partner doesn`t have a proper job and according to you will not for another five years in which time he will be a bit long in the tooth for an entry level job. That means it all falls on your shoulders. If you were my daughter that would ring alarm bells, but if you are happy with this then as the main bread winner you should decide how your lives move forward.

Do you want to give up your job, move and live in your mother in laws spare room with a part time student who has poor job prospects?

I’ve only skim read the thread but had to pick up on this:
Salaries are proportionally lower to match the housing costs

No way are salaries ‘proportionally’ lower in Wales (or anywhere else) compared to London.

My job would pay approximately 25% more if I were based in London. An equivalent house would cost 4 times as much (easily) in London.

Has he spent much times around children? Is it possible he has some vision of you going out to work and him gently pottering at home with the kids? Be warned in this situation, if the relationship broke down you might have to pay him maintenance and see the children only every other weekend.

For what it’s worth, I’d be very sceptical that he has suddenly developed ambition. I think that is something he is happy to play at for a while, but doing a degree part time over 6 years isn’t exactly storming the fortress is it. In telling you he wants to move back to his hometown and in with his mum, that is what his vision is.

I think you need to think very hard about whether you are with him because he represents having a family life, rather than because you have a shared vision for your future. You have already slashed your earnings for this man, and correspondingly your pension. Of course he should treat you like a princess. I guess you pay for the vast majority of your joint expenses, as you feel guilty for making him move to London which is expensive, and probably also pay for holidays as you want to treat him?

I think in this climate you would be mad to leave a secure job in London

In your situation I wouldn't move and I think this is because I'm more cautious and of all the threads I've read here where the woman moves to her partner's city, leaving behind her support network and then encounters difficulty with the partner later down the line but can't leave the partner's city because her children live there. If you move to Wales he and his family may be calling the shots later down the line and you may well end up trapped.

You have a fabulous life and great job in London with a good future- I wouldn't give this up for someone who would make me move to another country and may take years to get to the same earning position (and may not ever get there either). There's also no guarantee you could find an equally well paying job in Wales or a job at all given coronavirus. Consider also your ability to get the same well paying job after having children, would this be more likely in London or Wales. And finally think about whether you should be trying to have a baby in the future with your partner- would he be supportive, will he parent or leave it down to you, will he leave all to you in terms of providing for the children.

I don't mean to be all doom and gloom, sorry, but these thoughts are important to think about.

@dgarcia85 I agree fwiw and there are some beautiful parts! Good luck with whatever you decide

Is it possible he has some vision of you going out to work and him gently pottering at home with the kids?

It’s funny that you mentioned this because he has been around kids and he has suggested that it might work out better financially for him to be a stay at home dad at least until our kid starts school. And to be fair, he may not wrong with the eye watering child care costs in London if we stayed here.

Yes, it’s not storming the fortress but what else is he meant to do? I think a degree is his only hope now. The only other option is him doing the degree full-time to get done quicker but I don’t want that I think it’s important for him to contribute however little.

There is a reason why property is cheaper in Wales, and part of it is that there are fewer services and amenities available there
Nothing to do with the fact that the London property market is distorted beyond all hope then? I live in a semi-rural village in North Wales. Yet (before lockdown) I was a short drive from a fantastic performance of The Marriage of Figaro by the Welsh National Opera. Wales isn't so chock-full of sheep, mines, and male-voice choirs you know, we do have plenty of entertainment.

OP, it sounds like your biggest concern is uncertainty around job prospects. Do make him sell it to you. Make him see whether there are jobs available in your field within a commutable distance from Cardiff. I certainly wouldn't move without a job offer in place. The Senedd (formerly the Welsh Assembly) now has law making powers so that may improve your prospects. Don't think that you need to be fluent in Welsh to be considered, you are expected to have or be prepared to learn a "courtesy level" if working for the Welsh Government but otherwise it is considered to be a nice-to-have.

I wouldn't go for Abercarn though. Like many former mining communities it will still be suffering from severe deprivation and if you're accustomed to city life it would be too much of a culture shock. Being in the pockets of your in laws can also be difficult. Cardiff sounds like a good option though.

Can I ask what sort of jobs would you do?

I see you going to Wales and finding the jobs don’t pay what you are used to and the cost of living is still the same or higher. (Yes housing is cheap but everything else can be more expensive) He isn’t working and you won’t have the income you had in London.

No good saying you are on £35000 + another £10,000 and he is on £20,000 when you have moved to Wales and are on Welsh salary’s

We moved out of London for work for 12 years. Not even as far as Wales and it was a f**king nightmare.

I think I went years not speaking to anyone apart from friends from London and Dp.
Life in the big village revolved around the pub, (I don’t drink) the church (I am not Christian) and the school (I didn’t have children)

Also the cost of living was insane. We saved £250 per month just on things like Council tax, Water rates and petrol when we moved back to London
We also saved a fortune on Dps commute

Even if you did move could you move to local government in Wales given from my understanding you have to speak Welsh.

Whilst Dp isn’t earning for the next 5 years I don’t see how you would manage in some little village in Wales unless he has an ulterior motive and doesn’t actually plan to finish studying.

Surely with you earning a Welsh salary and him still studying I don’t know how you would manage financially living in Wales

Even if you did move could you move to local government in Wales given from my understanding you have to speak Welsh.

Your understanding is wrong.