To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

"The OP moved continents, made a new life and happily worked until 11pm to better her prospects!

She clearly wasn't "happily" working until 11pm. This is not a sustainable or healthy way of life is it?

"Her boyfriend has shown no drive"

He's doing the OU and working at the same time. That takes motivation and discipline.

"I don't think the responses on here are simply about earning power. "

Oh, I think they are. When I asked why he was being criticised for doing an OU degree, the answer was because he hadn't studied when he was younger and that that would be Ok if he was in a better paid job.

"If he was passionately pursuing something that didn't make much money, he and the OP would still be more aligned"

He's pursuing his IT degree isn't he. I don't believe you that the snobs on here would not see him as a red flag if he was passionate about something that doesn't pay much actually.

If you do this in a few years time you will find he's at home looking after the kids with his mum, you're working and living in a place you don't like, he'll be saying things like 'I'm trying to find a job in IT but it's hard with no experience', you'll get sick of his mum interfering, you'll be resentful that you didn't get to stay home for a while with the babies you carried and gave birth to, if you get divorced you'll be the every other weekend parent because he his mum will be the resident parent. Sound good?

but they did say that they are ideally looking for people who can at least speak and understand basic Welsh which I can’t (neither can OH!) but I’ve started a course
Just demonstrating that you are prepared to learn is usually enough.

The thing he should be aware of though is that IT isn't that promising a career choice these days. Older generations told us "get a job in IT, you'll have a job for life" but companies quickly realised how much money they could save by moving roles overseas. That left a lot of unemployed IT technicians fighting for the remaining jobs.

@Gwenhwyfar

She clearly wasn't "happily" working until 11pm. This is not a sustainable or healthy way of life is it?

This is where the difference in world views comes in... Some people are happy to work until 11pm and later in their 20s / 30s if it gets them where they want to go - particularly if they're pushing to get ahead in a career they enjoy, or because they have a specific goal in mind. Other people don't want to do that push - and that's fine too. It's about being on the same page.

I'm in the former category, but most of the people I grew up around were in the latter. Which is one of the main reasons I left the area of Wales that the OP is talking about moving to!

*@Ontheblackhill- you’ve not heard of Newbridge School, then? The nearest secondary school to Abercarn. About 90% A-C last year, I believe and one of the most highly regarded schools in the area. Or Bassaleg, just a few miles down the road? Rather an uninformed comment, I’m afraid.

NB I can’t believe I got sucked back into this thread.

A tiny village up a mountain I can get, but this is pretty close to Cardiff, where she's likely to be working. Can't see how she'll be stuck

It is nearly 2 hours by public transport to get into Cardiff from Abercarn.

If op were to drive it would be another £50 per week at least just to park her car and that is if she really just parked up and worked 9-5. Any over time or just nipping into a shop or going out for drinks and it bounces up to £25 per day.

Just looking at places for sale in Abercarn, it doesn’t look all that inspiring

Neither is the prospect of buying a one bed flat in Croydon like you were talking up as a possibility earlier,tbf

But the comparison of 1 bed flats is that ultimately whether in Abercarn or Purley or Croydon there isn’t much difference in what you get at that sort of level.
There is a base price for everything. You can’t get a 4 bed detached for £40,000 in Abercarn At least the 1 bed flats in Croydon and Purley actually look like you could move into them without work

Someone mentioned help to buy up thread and I think that sounds exactly what op needs as I am presuming their joint income would get them a really good mortgage and the 25% deposit put down by the government for a deposit would be the boost.

Although I would be careful atm because it is on the cards that prices could plummet but it is there for them when they want to buy.

Two hours? It’s half an hour or so on the train! I love not far away and there’s park and ride at all of the stations round here.

‘Free’ park and ride, I missed a vital word!

3rd time lucky- free parking! You have to pay for the train, obviously.

Just seen your update

I thought you didn’t have a deposit.

You have a great joint income and at least a £50k deposit and more if your parents help you out.

Why wouldn’t you be able to buy a place in the Purley/Croydon area?

Just a quick google and you can get about a £290,000 mortgage + £50,000+ deposit

For that money you can afford a house or a very very nice flat.

deegee85

I think you have to look at this in terms of earning power.

If you stay in London then yes you will have childcare to pay which is eye wateringly expensive but both of you will be working and nursery fees and childcare isn’t forever.

It will also mean that you can progress and your dh is able to get a job on more money when he qualifies.

OTOH if you move to Wales or even Bristol your dh is in effect never going to work again.

I mean this in the gentlest way but why is he doing this degree if he is planning to be a SAHP.

From my limited knowledge of IT if he isn’t planning on going straight into work then by the time he gets round to writing a CV his degree really is redundant if he wants to pursue a career in IT.

He will also be quite old to be just starting out.

I feel that whilst what your dh wants seems quite reasonable and you can’t see anything really wrong in his requests and you are adapting to what he would like I think it is similar to the frog in the pan.

Only when it is too late will you realise what he is up to.

He has got you to reduce your salary, he has you looking at jobs in Cardiff. Very soon you will find yourself living next door to his mother and him being a f/T SAHD.

If you say anything or question him then you will be the one working day and night to pay the mortgage and bills on a house you don’t live in and paying for children who you only see every other weekend.

What ever you do be very very careful

Just to say I have teens who grew up in London and have had the most amazing opportunities because of where we live.

Whilst technically they could work outside of London their choice of work would be very restricted

Alikaneson umm the pass rate at newbridge is 48% not 90%. There are literally no valleys schools with a 90% pass rate due to the levels of deprivation! For 90% you would be looking at Cardiff High school in the most expensive area of Cardiff!

Just a quick google and you can get about a £290,000 mortgage + £50,000+ deposit

We could shop around some more but we went to our bank and we were not offered anywhere near this.

I mean this in the gentlest way but why is he doing this degree if he is planning to be a SAHP. From my limited knowledge of IT if he isn’t planning on going straight into work then by the time he gets round to writing a CV his degree really is redundant if he wants to pursue a career in IT

Because he would not be a SAHP forever and hopefully not at all. I take your point about him possibly having a ‘stale’ degree by the time he is ready to enter the workforce though.

If your budget is much less than quoted above, you would need to rethink Cardiff and Bristol if you want a family home.

@Oliversmumsarmy. I was just thinking frog slowly boiled too.

You don’t know he’d get a job after 4 years sahd, especially if he hasn’t got an established career to go back to. Even when they start school you still need after school & school holiday childcare.

If he couldn’t father a child would you still want to make all these concessions for him?.

*Just to say I have teens who grew up in London and have had the most amazing opportunities because of where we live.

Whilst technically they could work outside of London their choice of work would be very restricted*

Dear god. get over it @Oliversmumsarmy your'e beginning to get on my tits now.

My teens who didn't grow up in London have also had amazing opportunities! And their choice of work is REALLY NOT VERY RESTRICTED.
just stop with all the sweeping statements.

They make you sound very insular.

@deegee85 you can have a great choice of family homes in Cardiff for £220k or less so I wouldn't worry about that!

You don’t know he’d get a job after 4 years sahd, especially if he hasn’t got an established career to go back to. Even when they start school you still need after school & school holiday childcare.
**
If he couldn’t father a child would you still want to make all these concessions for him?.

You what? You make him sound like a prize bull!

I'm trying to imagine this comment with all the 'he' turned to 'she'.
eg
"If she couldn't get pregnant would you still want to make all these concessions for her"

It stinks.

@sleepingpup - You might not like this answer, but I was brought up in the area the OP is talking about moving to and I am raising my own family in London. I am living the difference and there is NO comparison. The opportunities for pursuing education / interests / culture etc are so much more varied and accessible in London. It's why we work so hard to stay here. When I graduated, the job I wanted literally did not exist in Wales at the time. You can get some of this variety in Cardiff, but Abercarn / Newport / Cwmbran / Valleys - absolutely not. That's not to say there's NOTHING in these places - but the difference is mind blowing.

@GentleParent

No I don't live under a rock.

The OP has said she would consider Cardiff and Bristol and that her OH would. I am starting from that position which I think in terms of distance to Abercarn and the prices of London, given the couples earring capacity, is a decent compromise.

I've lived in London and Cardiff and the comparison in terms of lifestyle ( particularly with children) I'd say is negligible except that in Cardiff a BETTER lifestyle is available for less money and available to more people.

As for school kids/teens opportunities- no difference. There are great opportunities in Cardiff.

After that the world is your oyster.

Don't do it OP. The IT degree is a red herring, you know deep down he'll never get an IT job pushing 40 with zero experience.

He wants a small life in a small Welsh village. There is nothing wrong in that but you will have to accept the lifestyle he wants because that is what you will be left with if you move. You’ve already, in my opinion, made a drastic mistake giving up your law job.

@sleepingpup - Where did I say you live under a rock? I was responding to your most recent comment, where you went after the poster who said that her teenagers had amazing opportunities in London - the poster you accused of being insular and getting on your tits.

It's obtuse to say that the lifestyle difference between Cardiff and London is negligible. There is a sliding scale - Newport offers more employment & cultural opportunities than somewhere like Abercarn or Aberdare. Cardiff / Bristol offer more of that than Newport. London offers more than Cardiff or Bristol. That's not a subjective opinion - that's a fact. Larger cities have more people and more money coming into them, so of course the opportunities are wider and more varied.

But the comparison of 1 bed flats is that ultimately whether in Abercarn or Purley or Croydon there isn’t much difference in what you get at that sort of level. There is a base price for everything. You can’t get a 4 bed detached for £40,000 in Abercarn At least the 1 bed flats in Croydon and Purley actually look like you could move into them without work

Well no, the massive difference is that if the OP did move to Wales, they wouldn't have to take the deeply uninspiring option of at best buying a one or perhaps crappy two bed flat to have a baby in and pretend they liked it, because that's all they could afford. If they could buy at all. They could have a superior property. The vast gulf in property prices is the entire point.

I would not move to Abercorn myself, Cardiff is the acceptable and logical compromise option here, pandemic permitting. But wherever in Wales they move, they'll be able to escape the poor housing conditions London offers, if they do as OP stipulates and not go without both having jobs. That is the comparison and the difference is huge.

@deegee85 I just saw that you are originally from the Carribbean. Outside of any city I would imagine you would not feel very comfortable. I am also BAME and I would never consider moving to a Valleys community . There will be knuckle dragging racists around as I know from personal experience . Not everyone, by any stretch of the imagination, but you will get comments as I know from personal experience. Sorry if that offends anyone but its the truth and it wont be great for your kids. This is much less likely to happen in cities like Cardiff and Bristol and there are established Caribbean communities in both cities with mixed congregation churches and places you can buy Caribbean food and black hair products.