To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

I would actually not even do that monkeycats, because he might well present a realistic plan for them both to find work in Cardiff and commute in from a neighbouring, cheaper village. Which I wouldn't be up for in OPs position either.

I mean it would be different if he said to her something like - “I really don’t want to bring kids up around here because of the knife crime. I know you live your job, but how round you feel about getting out the rat race and opening a B&B; cafe; whatever in this part of Wales. I grew up there and I think this could work. Let’s look into it. Also , ther kids could grow up with family around..,, “

I mean the answer might well still be a resounding “no,” but at least it’s better than “Give up your job. Move to this random place. Buy me a house . Have a baby. I’ll be a SAHD. My mum will help me. Find another job. Thanks very much,”

Christ op this man has disaster written all over him. He's a massive mummy's boy and moving to wales and having your life controlled by him and his mum would be the second biggest mistake of your life. Your first was giving up your job for him.

I've now read this thread in one go.

OP, don't move to Wales with him, this is not and never was about living in Wales.

This is definitely about a man who has no ambition, who wants to move back home and let his mum do everything. His degree will probably be worthless by the time he gets it, as IT is a fast moving environment.

His mum is calling you unreasonable for not wanting to move in with them?

You say your job is niche. I would say stay in London. You've already taken a pay cut once as his bidding, and it seesm that every change you make is a step towards his desire to move home, with you trailing behind.

Bristol might be a good compromise, but if he's talking about being a SAHD, then this would be a red flag to me. Ultimately if this is what he wants to do, then you have to live where the breadwinner can get jobs.

I guess you now have to decide if you want to be the breadwinner forever, OP, because with this man, I think you will be.

Think is about sooo much more than where you live!

You sound very independent, clever and ambitious.

He does not.

Your ambition has not “rubbed off” on him, I’d bet any money that he’s doing the degree to make himself desirable to you rather than because he intrinsically wants to do it/achieve a better paying job. Now, there is nothing wrong with accepting that you are the more career orientated/driven person in the partnership if he has other good qualities and will support you in your career both emotionally and practically, which may include him being a SAHD. But I’m not sure that’s who he is, remember he got you to give up a £60K job for a £35K one to facilitate your relationship.

I’d have a long, hard think about what you want from your life and then put it to him. You are 34, not 44, you have plenty of time to meet someone else and have dc.

"This is definitely about a man who has no ambition, who wants to move back home and let his mum do everything. His degree will probably be worthless by the time he gets it, as IT is a fast moving environment."

If he had no ambition, he wouldn't be doing the OU at all, would he?

What you mean is he's not a high earner. That's all.

"he got you to give up a £60K job for a £35K one to facilitate your relationship."

SHE decided to give up the jobs - a job where she was working until 11pm!

I feel really down now.

1. I'm an admin worker and don't earn much
2. I have an OU degree (also did one at 18, but obviously didn't make me rich)
3. Shock horror. I'm Welsh and I even live in Wales.

According to you lo I must be a 'red flag' of a person with no chance of ever finding love.

I was 30 at the time and finding a forever partner was more important to me than money

I have no idea if OP is reading now that the thread has taken something of a turn - but if you are, OP, I really urge you not to conceive a child with this man until you have found and agreed upon a long-term resolution to these concerns. I fear that your biological clock might have deafened you to some serious red flags.

@Gwenhwyfar - Nobody is saying that he is a "Red Flag" as a human being, but a lot of posters are identifying a red flag in the mis-match of world views that the OP has described in her relationship. There's a difference.

The OP moved continents, made a new life and happily worked until 11pm to better her prospects. She is clearly driven. Her boyfriend has shown no drive - he drifted into the closest job, lived at home and wants to return to that life.

I don't think the responses on here are simply about earning power. If he was passionately pursuing something that didn't make much money, he and the OP would still be more aligned. It sounds like their disagreement about where to live is a "symptom" of their very different world views - that's why it might be a red flag.

I agree entirely with @PlumsInTheIcebox

I have no idea if OP is reading now that the thread has taken something of a turn

I’m still reading but this has definitely taken a turn from what I expected!

Obviously putting my circumstances out there invites all opinions which is fine and what I wanted but this wasn’t really about whether I should stay with my OH or not (I made the decision to stand by him years ago and I feel confident things will end up fine with us) this was more about the best place to live which is the best compromise for both of us. And I’ve gotten a lot of good advice there so thank you!

Also, I feel bad that that anyone from Wales or London feels offended that definitely wasn’t my intention!

Just to clarify:

We live in a rented 1 bed in SE London and we are TTC and moving to a 2 bed. I wanted to pick an area so that we can rent there initially and get to know the place and then one day hopefully buy in that area. I wanted to avoid moving around too much as I’ve done a lot of that already. I suggested Purley as it’s closer to where I work in Croydon and it seems nice there. I never meant moving to Croydon itself but within the borough. I’m also open to other areas but I want to be closer to work than I am now if we stay in London.

OH thinks our next move should be to Abercarn with MIL in preparation for having children. We would save on rent and have his parents to help out when they can and we would both find jobs in Cardiff or similar. He thinks it will be easy for me to find a job because of my qualifications and easy for him too as he will take any admin job while continuing to do OU course.

BUT I worked as a public law solicitor and now I work at the council in policy. I don’t see that many jobs in my area at my level come up that much in London and even less in Cardiff so I know it won’t be as easy as he thinks for me at least.

If we had a kid we would work out if it made more financial sense for him to be a SAHD ONLY until they start primary school to save on child care costs. We would both prefer for him to continue working but it depends what we are both earning at that time.

I do have just over 50K in savings for a deposit from my single life before we met. Haven’t been able to save much of anything since I started this new job. My parents also said they would help out if we are short on deposit. So I’m lucky in that sense and not starting from scratch in terms of saving for a deposit but we don’t earn enough household income for a lot of London anyway. So Cardiff may still work out better in that sense and my desire to stay in London may be unrealistic in the long term.

I’m almost 35 and I want a family and he is who I have chosen to start a family with. Yes the ticking clock will inevitably influence some of my decisions but we are both excited at the prospect of becoming parents and I have no doubt he will be a great father. Do I wish he took his career more seriously before meeting me or even in the early stages of our relationship and had better earning potential? ofcourse. But I have dated doctors and lawyers etc who treated me like crap. Is he a mummy’s boy? Yes probably. But is that the worse thing in the world? I think it’s lovely how close they are. I just don’t want to be in her house. I think he is doing his best now for someone who left school at 16. I see him everyday going to work in his admin job and then coming home and studying through the night. And I admire his commitment even if he has come to this later in life than most. I don’t think that his current commitment is something that can be faked.

And yes I earn a lot less now but I am happier with a better work life balance. I am still young enough to get myself back to what I was earning before or even more but this time on my terms and not the corporate sheep I was before.

I cannot see myself living in Abercarn for reasons I’ve already mentioned but I can see why OH and MIL etc love it. It’s very friendly and beautiful in its own way.

I would hate to leave London but if I can find the right job I will consider Bristol (which I never considered before this so thanks to all who suggested it) or Cardiff so he can be closer to his family. I spoke to him about this again today and made my feelings clear and he now says he too will consider Bristol or Cardiff. We shall see.

I’m the meantime, as another poster suggested, we have agreed to table this discussion for now as we are both lucky to still have jobs with everything going on and it’s doubtful I will be moving jobs any time soon as a lot of you have said.

Thanks everyone!

Gwenhyfar I'm sorry if anything I said upset you. I'm Ms Average on a low wage living out in a rural backwater myself, I am not ambitious career wise in the way MN usually recognises (though I am in other ways) and the thought of a fast paced London lifestyle fills me with dread. As a family we've prioritised time together over earning lots. So it's not that I have some inherent prejudice against admin workers studying with the OU. It's the mismatch in ideals and the fact that OP's partner seems to need her to lead him by the nose. I know men like him, they see the likes of a part time degree as a stop gap so they can keep their partner off their back in other ways, and string her along with "oh but I'm doing my degree so it'll all be ok in X years". It would be different if they have kids, but a young childless man living in London is in the ideal position to do what ever he damn well pleases, and it's telling that he hasn't maximised this opportunity

@deegee85 - What a brilliant and confident response. You sound very centred and confident in your choices. All the best to you!

OP why doesn't your partner take a project management qualification like PRINCE2 or Agile and work in IT as a project manager. You don't need a degree for that and the money is good.

Other than that I fear that you've chosen someone who could tip into cock lodger territory very quickly. I assume he's never lived independently? Do you do all the washing, cooking and cleaning? I do think you've got blinkers on with this relationship, you fundamentally don't agree where you should live. He also doesn't seem capable of standing on his own two feet.

I wouldn't move to Wales in your position.

That's great that DP is happy to think about Cardiff and Bristol too. They both sound like viable options for you once everything calms down a bit.

Havent rtft, but a quick note on your update: you don’t move to a new region and then look for jobs, you look for a new job and move to the region you find it in, unless you can afford to live without one. Especially in a country with a language barrier and already high unemployment while a deep recession is on its way. Cardiff is a nice city and Wales is lovely, good luck.

I definitely would not be TTC until you've decided where you are living and both have jobs.

Good grief OP,

You are potentially making compromises that could make you extremely vulnerable.

Don not give up your job.
Do not move miles away.
Do not have children with a man who needs financial supporting and who would happily give up his low paying job.

Do not mo e in with his family.

Are you so desperate to have a child that you would give up everything.

MN is littered with stories of women that have been left in awful situations having been persuaded to give up joba, flats, money.

Stay strong.
Stay in your job.
Protect yourself.

@GentleParent Thank you!

OP why doesn't your partner take a project management qualification like PRINCE2 or Agile and work in IT as a project manager.

Thanks for this I mention it to him to look into it.
Re housework - yes first time living away from home but actually we are pretty equal with this. Sometimes I will have to remind him to do things but mostly he just sees what needs to be done and does it without prompting. He says his dad never helped his mum much around the house and he didn’t want to be that guy. So no complaints there!

The welsh government hid hiring public law lawyers Now! The money is excellent and it's in Cardiff. If you are BAME they will rip your arm off
You should have no bother getting a public law job in wales. Abercarn though, as a mixed race person? Um , no! Schools are dreadful too. Look at monmouth, caerleon etc if he wont do Cardiff. Much nicer and accepting of diversity. Good school's and a lot of house for your money. Good luck!

@Ontheblackhill thanks I actually saw this and contacted them previously. They encouraged me to apply but they did say that they are ideally looking for people who can at least speak and understand basic Welsh which I can’t (neither can OH!) but I’ve started a course so hopefully in the future that will no longer be an obstacle

Honestly the welsh thing is rubbish! I know loads of people working there and none of them speak welsh. Just say you are happy to take lessons. Really dont let that put you off!

Especially if you are a BAME lawyer! They will pit your photo on the website;-)

Honestly the welsh thing is rubbish! I know loads of people working there and none of them speak welsh

This. I work in financial services in Wales. All of our job adverts say speaking Welsh would be advantageous/prioritised. It makes no difference in reality but Welsh speaking is a big push in Wales and it’s common to see this on job adverts.

I would suggest a very basic level of Welsh would be good. I can always remember my MIL visiting us from Surrey and commenting that Gwasanaethau must be a very popular place because there were signs for it all the way down the M4 from the bridge 😂

@Ontheblackhill haha ok thanks, why not I will give it a go!