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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to move to Wales?

691 replies

dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 17:44

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

OP posts:
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9
TeensArghhhh · 08/05/2020 12:21

.Even someone who is going to gigs three times a week before they have kids is probably going to be more concerned about mother and baby groups, kid friendly cafés and baby swimming classes once they've had them. The OP will want to live somewhere she can do those things, and where she can make friends. Cardiff or Bristol might well fit the bill, if she can find a job in the post-coronavirus apocalypse. Abercarn certainly won't

You seriously think the valleys doesn’t have mother and baby groups, child friendly cafes and baby swimming classes? Wow! 😳

As for the comment about not seeing a brown face in a Welsh village..... I can’t think of a village that doesn’t have a Turkish kebab shop, Chinese takeaway or Indian takeaway. They have families too....

I have 3 children with “brown” faces. I don’t want to say their nationality as it’s too outing. They certainly weren’t the only EM children in their school and they spent their childhoods in a village near Carmarthen.

White, Welsh village life must have been so uncomfortable for them. So uncomfortable they have bought their own houses and raising their children in Welsh villages.

Anyway most posters have said maybe Abercarn isn’t for the OP and have suggested Cardiff instead.

Cardiff is very multicultural and cheaper than London.

Wineoclockinwales · 08/05/2020 12:23

And we didn't move to the valleys ,we are in a town between Swansea and Cardiff

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/05/2020 12:23

Not sure how much interest a five year old really has in the V&A museum

I must have have strange children.

Dd and Ds loved the V&A and all the museums.

They can’t think of a better place to have been brought up

We go into London daily.(We live here).
Pre lockdown we went to have a wander round different places or out to dinner or the theatre at least once per week.

When I moved out of London I used to come back at least twice per week to see friends or just go shopping or just to speak to people.

I really couldn’t think of anything worse than being stuck in the village we lived in day after day looking at 4 walls.

Company I worked for shut down and no jobs in the area apart from gutting fish.

Sacredspace · 08/05/2020 12:31

About a 15 minute walk from my house x

boobmoob · 08/05/2020 12:32

@Oliversmumsarmy you live in zone 1, lucky you

Yoginut · 08/05/2020 12:36

I hate to say this, but it sounds like your DP wants to live off you and move to Abercarn where his mam will look after any children while you work.
There are so many red flags here, you could make a string of bunting from them.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 08/05/2020 12:38

It definitely sounds like that yoginut!

FrankieKnuckles · 08/05/2020 12:40

Don't move straight from London to Abercarn. You're right there will be no POC there & some attitudes in the Valleys are still 30 years behind. Not that doesn't mean there aren't some lovely people there...
Try CARDIFF. Roath/Penylan/Splott lovely areas with diversity & close to city centre.

AlliKaneSon · 08/05/2020 12:40

You wouldn’t just be moving to Wales. You would be mining into a very limited mindset and low expectations and this will most likely do your head in.

Just wow.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 12:43

You seriously think the valleys doesn’t have mother and baby groups, child friendly cafes and baby swimming classes? Wow!

Do I think Abercarn is going to have less of these things than an urban area like London, Cardiff or Bristol?

Um, yes. Sorry.

These are basically glorified opportunities for new mums to meet other new mums, and you have to pay for them. Of course there are going to be less of these things in a small village out in the sticks, where there aren't as many people at the OP's stage of life, and of those there are, many of them don't have a lot of money and already know each other, so might well just be meeting each other for cups of tea in their own houses instead.

And where these things do exist, they will most likely be happening at a time when the OP, as the main breadwinner, is out at work in the nearest big town an hour's drive away. Assuming she is lucky enough to find a job.

Abercarn isn't the kind of place people move to. It's the kind of place people move away from. Like-minded people of the OP's age who grew in Abercarn will be living somewhere else now.

If they move to Cardiff she might have a hope of meeting other new mums her own age with professional jobs with whom she has something in common, or meeting like-minded work colleagues she can go for a drink with after work without needing to worry about driving back to Abercarn afterwards.

But actually living in Abercarn is likely to be incredibly isolating.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 12:44

You wouldn’t just be moving to Wales. You would be mining into a very limited mindset

Quite. The irony is unbelievable. Talk about closed-minded and insular.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/05/2020 12:44

boobmoob where did I say we live in zone 1. More like zone 6 but still London

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2020 12:46

"But the OP's partner (and his mother) don't want them to live in Cardiff - they want them to live in Abercarn."

Which a poster said is only 10 miles away from Cardiff. Even if they lived in Abercarn so the children could be looked after by grandparents, OP could work in Cardiff and spend her weekends there.

AlliKaneSon · 08/05/2020 12:46

Just to add I work in the secondary school where the children from Abercarn go. I also used to work in a very ‘well thought of’ school in Kingston. There is no difference in the mind set or expectations and no reason why these children should be any less successful. I can guarantee a majority of people commenting have never ever heard of, let alone been to Abercarn. It’s a short hop Cardiff/Newport/Bristol. With relatives living in both London and Edinburgh I struggle to see what my children are missing out on from living here. And for those saying it’s all ‘white faces’, of the children I teach music to privately, over half are mixed race or from a different ethnic background (e.g Indian, Korean, Romanian, African).

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2020 12:48

"What about when the OP has a five year old and wants to take them to see the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum? That's going to be a hell of a lot cheaper living in a London suburb than if she lives in South Wales."

Why can't she take them to see the dinosaurs at the National Museum of Wales in Cardiff? And if she wants to take her children to the biggest outdoor museum in Europe, then St Fagan's is near Cardiff and nowhere near London.
Yes, there are more museums in London, but Cardiff is well served for a city of its size.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 12:49

Yes, there are more museums in London, but Cardiff is well served for a city of its size.

I know it is, I was responding to the suggestion that it is ridiculous to contemplate living in Croydon if you want culture.

AlliKaneSon · 08/05/2020 12:50

Sorry, real bee in my bonnet here! I think some people think that the Welsh valleys are all little remote villages spread out. In actual fact it’s a large conurbation, where everything just runs into everything else, leading up from Newport/CARDIFF. Have a look on a satellite picture taken at night time if you don’t believe me- SE Wales looks very similar to the West Midlands, for example.

sleepingpup · 08/05/2020 12:53

just to be clear i wouldn't be moving to Abercarn, round the corner from MIL ( god love her ) anytime soon. Wild horses wouldn't make me.

But Wales is as big as, well, the size of Wales.

And when I see people saying " welsh salaries" , " welsh amenities" , "Wales is a bit drastic" etc etc etc I think that's like saying "English salaries " and "English amenities " as if London and a Devon village are the same place.

It just sounds really ignorant.

Just for the record ( not because I think OP should move to "Wales" )St Fagan's Museum in Cardiff is a world class museum ( that doesn't take an hour to get to. ) Look it up. Museum of the Year last year. You could pop up every weekend OP for an hour . That's the difference to London.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 12:53

I know it is, I was responding to the suggestion that it is ridiculous to contemplate living in Croydon if you want culture.

It's a fucking terrible idea. If you want to live somewhere where there's culture, move somewhere where there's culture. Not the arsehole of london which is 15 miles and a good hour's travel away from anywhere of interest.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 12:56

Just for the record ( not because I think OP should move to "Wales" )St Fagan's Museum in Cardiff is a world class museum ( that doesn't take an hour to get to. ) Look it up. Museum of the Year last year. You could pop up every weekend OP for an hour

I love St Fagans! It's about 5 mins drive from where my parents live.

The National Museum of Wales in Cardiff city centre is a world class museum. Techniquest in the Bay is fantastic too.

But they don't count, 'cos they're not in London innit.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2020 12:57

"I hate to say this, but it sounds like your DP wants to live off you and move to Abercarn where his mam will look after any children while you work.
There are so many red flags here, you could make a string of bunting from them."

Pretty sexist. If a woman had an admin job, talked of staying at home in her child's first couple of years and wanted her mum's help with childcare, would she be a 'red flag'?

GentleParent · 08/05/2020 12:57

That poster is wrong. It’s 20 miles. At least half an hour in the car. And culturally, a world away. I know the area. Closest large town is Newport. Which is grim and getting grimmer.

GentleParent · 08/05/2020 12:58

@Gwenhwyfar

boobmoob · 08/05/2020 12:59

@oliversmumsarmy you confused me by these comments in your post

Dd and Ds loved the V&A and all the museums.They can’t think of a better place to have been brought up

I assumed this meant on your doorstep.

We go into London daily.(We live here).

So do you travel into zone 1 daily? I don't class going to my Clapham Sainsbury's as going into London.

Pre lockdown we went to have a wander round different places or out to dinner or the theatre at least once per week.

So do you travel in for this? Do you mean central or zone 6? I go to Clapham cinema or Wimbledon theatre regularly but dont class as "going into London".

sleepingpup · 08/05/2020 12:59

Pretty sexist. If a woman had an admin job, talked of staying at home in her child's first couple of years and wanted her mum's help with childcare, would she be a 'red flag'?

I was thinking that.