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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to move to Wales?

691 replies

dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 17:44

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

OP posts:
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thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 11:44

Is menstruation permitted in Wales?

?

Futurenostalgia · 08/05/2020 11:45

Check out the house prices in Cardiff as they are relatively high compared with your partner’s village.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/05/2020 11:46

Re the route croydon to the Roundhouse, it depends which Croydon station you go from. You can probably do it in under an hour.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 11:46

My brother lives in Barry. It used to be really down at heel but they've chucked a fair bit of money at it, and it's beautiful now.

And you can be in cardiff by train in 9 minutes. So it counts as Cardiff.

And Bristol in 34 minutes. So it counts as Bristol too.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 08/05/2020 11:48

It was a response to the poster joking about rollerblading and periods thedancingbear!

thedancingbear · 08/05/2020 11:48

Re the route croydon to the Roundhouse, it depends which Croydon station you go from. You can probably do it in under an hour.

Yes, you can get there quicker if you start from somewhere closer.

You can get from Manchester to Leeds in under an hour. So Leeds is in Manchester.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 11:48

@thedancingbear What about things like big museums, the British Museum, the V&A, the National Gallery? There just isn't anything like that outside of London. What about when the OP has a five year old and wants to take them to see the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum? That's going to be a hell of a lot cheaper living in a London suburb than if she lives in South Wales.

Most people who are regularly going to gigs at the Camden Roundhouse are either twentysomething hipsters who live in Hackney or at least people who work in Central London and would go straight from work. Wherever in London they live, they're more likely to be able to go to that gig than someone who lives in South Wales, unless the band is touring and stops off in Cardiff.

Nobody is saying there is no culture in Cardiff. There is loads of culture in Cardiff. But if you want things like big museums and galleries, or West End shows, even gigs (and yes, I know there are a lot of musical events in Cardiff), it's going to be easier to get to them if you live in Croydon. So suggesting that Croydon is a shithole with no culture is a little bit disingenuous, given how close it is to London. Obviously if you want to be doing these things all the time, you'll need to live close to good transport links.

But all of this is a bit irrelevant to the OP's predicament really, given that her main concerns seem to be finding a decent job and living somewhere that is reasonably diverse and a good place to bring up children. Even someone who is going to gigs three times a week before they have kids is probably going to be more concerned about mother and baby groups, kid friendly cafés and baby swimming classes once they've had them. The OP will want to live somewhere she can do those things, and where she can make friends. Cardiff or Bristol might well fit the bill, if she can find a job in the post-coronavirus apocalypse. Abercarn certainly won't.

boobmoob · 08/05/2020 11:50

Your income is good. (Just looking at one bank you could get a mortgage of £289,000 on your incomes) You just need the deposit.

I think that is crazy talk in these uncertain times, borrowing more than 5 x joint income & wanted to conceive asap.

boobmoob · 08/05/2020 11:50

@PubsClubsMinistryOfSound 🤣

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 08/05/2020 11:51

It is infinitely cheaper to buy a house in Wales and pay for even a luxury trip to the National History Museum when your 5 year old wants to go than it is to buy a house in a London suburb.

KotoMoto · 08/05/2020 11:51

Not sure about Cardiff but definitely don't move to a Welsh village! That's frankly utter bollox that there are "lots of mixed race children in Wales"! A friend of mine did exactly this, even moving from SE London, to a village near there. We stayed with her a fortnight last summer and can tell you we saw exactly zero brown faces whatsoever the whole time. I'd be really against raising my child there or sending them to school in such a homogenous environment. Horses for courses, but if that's important to you then I wouldn't consider it.

Second issue is that my friend is now stuck in Wales for good. She was unable to find a decent job in Wales, having processed up the system in London (HE) and though her DH initially found a job in his sector, his contract wasn't renewed and he is now only managing to work PT. Depending on the industry there's just less places about, eg universities, councils etc and so the jobs get taken. Plus salaries are much lower. Yes, the rent / property prices are lower, but if they ever want to move back to London it even England they will never be able to afford to.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 11:54

It's not about whether it's cheaper to buy a house in Wales, it's about what kind of life she wants to have!

whichteaareyou · 08/05/2020 11:55

I'm from Wales, husbands family is from the Caribbean and we lived in London! We now live in Bristol which has been my favourite out of everywhere! If you moved to wales I wouldn't go to a village, it's lovely but very very different to London! If you moved to Cardiff I'd go to the nicer parts like Radyr and avoid Grangetown! But I would look at moving to Bristol! I frequently drive to see my family in wales it's really not far

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 11:56

My brother wanted to buy a house on a low income and in his spare time he likes to go to the pub, watch the rugby and visit castles, so obviously moving to Cardiff was a great move for him. But he's not the OP.

DdraigGoch · 08/05/2020 11:57

My great aunt does just about everything Cardiff has to offer but she also gets the train to London a few times a year for more culture.
Not sure that visiting somewhere a few times a year means that you might as well live there. As others have pointed out, few people in London are spending every spare minute in a museum or an art gallery. I'm not sure that many people actually factor "culture" into their calculations when weighing up an area to move to. After all, you can just travel there every now and then.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 08/05/2020 11:58

You mentioned cost pepere. You said it would be cheaper to access the amenities that only exist in London living in a London suburb than in Wales. Actually, this isn't necessarily true. Given the difference in cost of living, you could visit London potentially every couple of months (probably more often than most residents do the museums) and still come out ahead financially.

I would agree that this is as much about lifestyle as anything else, not just money. But the idea that it's cheaper to access London amenities by living there, assuming you want them, needs examination.

BGD2012 · 08/05/2020 12:06

I'm Welsh from the Valleys and lived in Cardiff for years. Cardiff is great but doesn't have the opportunities of London and property in the nicer areas such as Rhiwbina and Cyncoed is very expensive. You could pick up a property around Abercarn for a fraction of the price but personally I wouldn't want to.

DdraigGoch · 08/05/2020 12:07

What about things like big museums, the British Museum, the V&A, the National Gallery? There just isn't anything like that outside of London. What about when the OP has a five year old and wants to take them to see the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum? That's going to be a hell of a lot cheaper living in a London suburb than if she lives in South Wales.
Cardiff has dinosaurs of its own. It may also have escaped your notice that Dippy spent the winter there as part of its national tour. Not sure how much interest a five year old really has in the V&A museum.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 12:08

@PubsClubsMinistryofSound

OK. Imagine that I am trying to decide whether to buy a car or not. I can do most things I need to go and get most places I want to go without one. But there are some places I would like to go to every now and then that I can only get to by car. If I don't own a car, then when I want to go to those places I have to pay around £200 to either get a taxi there and back or hire a car for a couple of days. If I hire a car I have the added worry of it costing more if I put a dent in it.

If I choose not to buy a car, I might spend £1,000 in a year on four or five trips to these places. This will be significantly cheaper than buying and running a car. But every time I want to make one of these trips, the individual cost and hassle will feel quite enormous, and I might just not go.

If I buy and run a car it will cost me a lot more money over the year, but I will go to these places more often because each individual trip will be easier and cheaper.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2020 12:08

he has suggested that it might work out better financially for him to be a stay at home dad at least until our kid starts school

Quelle surprise Hmm

JiltedJohnsJulie · 08/05/2020 12:16

t’s funny that you mentioned this because he has been around kids and he has suggested that it might work out better financially for him to be a stay at home dad at least until our kid starts school. And to be fair, he may not wrong with the eye watering child care costs in London if we stayed here

I've only just seen this update. I'm not exactly shocked either. If you are going to support him and he's going to look after the children, you don't need to move anywhere. If he's not working, you don't need childcare from family.

I said it before I read this but now I definitely wouldn't be TTC and I'd be rethinking the whole relationship. He's telling you he wants it all on his terms and you will be the one to provide.

Menaimum · 08/05/2020 12:18

I'm in N.Wales with a long career in councils/public service etc. across England from county to city including London boroughs. Couldnt get a job here because I (tried and tried) but can't learn the language adequately to get a public service job, now a very poor SAHM. You have to respect that the further west you go in the north the higher proportion of Welsh first language and and any council worker should be able to serve in both languages to a high standard. South Wales is a larger more anglophone population so you will be be more transferable. But if you're enjoying metropolitan life then a move to a village will be an awful shock. And what you earn in London- knock £10-15k off. There's just not a lot of money here.

GentleParent · 08/05/2020 12:19

Nothing wrong with being a stay at home dad and supporting a female breadwinner - as long as it's a positive choice and he's committed to doing a great job of raising the children.

But... Given the other red flags here, there is a danger that he sees this as an easy way out and and an opportunity to delay sorting his own life out while he is carried along by the OP for a few more years. So far, he has actually restricted her career rather than enhancing and supporting it. That doesn't bode well. But if he could get on board with the SAHD idea and really commit to the hard toil of running a house, looking after small children and supporting his partner's demanding career, it could work.

As the children get older, he could then try to carve out some sort of business / work for himself. But he has already missed the boat on becoming an equal financial partner by letting his 20s and early 30s drift by - the only way for equal financial contributions to happen is for the OP's earnings to keep being pulled down. And what's the point in that, especially if she loves her work?

Wineoclockinwales · 08/05/2020 12:21

We moved from a big city to Wales and the culture shock was vast. There are no non-white faces in any of my children's classes. The lack of diversity in our town is really noticed by us. Cardiff is very different multicultural , busy , vibrant. Great shopping , live music and sports scene.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 08/05/2020 12:21

There are a number of assumptions in that analogy pepere, which is the problem.

You might not actually be interested in going to those places more than four or five times a year even when you have the car, especially when you've all the other aspects of work and parenting to fit in too. This being a pretty common state of affairs for car owners, it would be daft to assume it wouldn't apply to any random individual we might talk about. You would probably also want to use your limited leisure time to do things other than go to places in your car as well, so you'd want to factor that into your thinking about whether this car was going to make your life cheaper and/or better.

Additionally, in order to be analogous to this situation, the car would have to cost you many multiples of your salary, be repayable over multiple decades and be dearer while objectively nowhere near as nice a vehicle as you could utilise if you didn't buy it. Odd sort of car it would be!