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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s cheating again. What do I do?

142 replies

fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:53

Last year DP cheated on me and gave me an STI. It was the worst time of my entire life. We have DC.

He never accepted me ending things and is quite controlling. Nearly a year on from the cheating I stupidly agreed to try again because I wanted DC to grow up with both of us together And to get him off my back. He was withholding money and contact with DC for months previously and I was really struggling financially.

It’s been a matter of weeks and I’ve found a profile he has on online dating. We haven’t had sex so I’m not worried about STI’s this time but I don’t know how to ‘end’ this ‘relationship’ as I know it’ll mean he withholds money and won’t see DC anymore.

I know this post probably sounds completely pathetic but the money he gives me when I go along with us being ‘together’ has a huge impact and it’s so difficult when DC are upset when he withholds contact.

He is emotionally abusive towards me, and very controlling.

So AIBU to ask for advice please? Sad

OP posts:
Tamsyn143 · 07/05/2020 13:56

Could it be a profile from the time you've not been together, since your split? X

walkingchuckydoll · 07/05/2020 13:56

I think you need to talk to a lawyer about your options. I know it's heartbreaking when he treats the DC badly but if he doesn't do it now he will do it later anyway. You can't make him love them.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:57

@Tamsyn143 unfortunately not, his username is different x

OP posts:
Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:58

Thank you @walkingchuckydoll I’ve been going to and fro with CMS for years now, he quit his job and currently works self employed and doesn’t declare his income, nothing goes through the system so the only way I will get any financial support from him is when he’s willing to give it, sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:59

I just want to leave this horrible situation/dynamic with my dignity and mental health intact. Sad

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 07/05/2020 14:00

I'm so sorry. the best thing I can suggest is talking to womens aid (through the live chat function) as soon as you can, and call the rights of women helpline (link included to the phone number etc) on Tuesday between 7pm – 9pm (they are running a reduced service due to the current situation, but will offer advice on domestic violence and abuse, divorce, finances and property on relationship breakdown
cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown and
parental responsibility and arrangements for children). wishing you all the best Flowers

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:00

Also sorted the profiles by ‘last online’ and his was near the top so I don’t have any doubt he’s doing it.

Part of me doesn’t even want to confront him, I just wish we didn’t have DC and he could be gone for good out of my life.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/05/2020 14:02

OP, please, please, go online and read about the freedom programme. You've been coerced back into a controlling relationship you say you didn't want, are being emotionally backmailed, and he's exerting financial control over you too. This is not normal, not your fault, and not, ever or in any circumstances, okay. You poor thing: no one deserves to have to live like this. Sending you all the positivity and support in the world.

Flowers Flowers

itsamadmadworld · 07/05/2020 14:02

My partner has just joined dating apps after cheating a couple years back so we've split up. It's so hard when children are involved, and I was so scared to actually finish things but I feel so much better now. I have no advice as I'm still working things out myself but I'm in the same boat so giving you a handhold

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:04

He also insists on having contact with DC ONLY in my home. Last time I insisted he had contact elsewhere he stopped seeing DC for weeks. It was horrific, they were so upset that their school teacher picked up on how sad they were during the day at school and spoke to me about it Sad so it isn’t just a case of me feeling guilty about the lack of contact, it really upsets them and I can’t go through it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:04

Thanks @itsamadmadworld we will get through it Flowers

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:10

There should be a special place in hell reserved for this sort of person. Cheating, fiddling the tax system, not paying CM, bullying and controlling you - what an awful man.

I think if you can't move out now and if you're not married, then I would grit my teeth, stay until it suited me to go, and make sure I never had sex with him again. I wouldn't mention his activities. I would detach myself so thoroughly that by the time I moved out I would feel no connection to him at all.

Are you tied to the area or would you be able to/happy to move?

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 14:16

You can report to hmrc for the tax evasion. They need everyone to pay up after this is over.

If he’s controlling he’ll start doing it to kids when they get a bit more independent, not seeing 5hem is already controlling because he’s hurting them on purpose.

Have you got anywhere to go?.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:22

Thanks @HollowTalk he really is awful. But he can appear so charming to everyone else when it suits him. He’s really pushy with sex too, he randomly gropes me and acts entitled to touch me, doesn’t take no for an answer so it’s quite difficult even at the moment to push away his constant advances.

I know if I mention the profile it’ll lead to another round of emotional abuse/withholding money but I can’t bare to be around him knowing he’s doing the same old shit. He also won’t allow me to just end things, he won’t accept it Sad

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 14:23

What does he do when you tell him it’s over?.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:24

Are you married? Do you have shared finances? Do you work? Just wondering how easy it would be to escape him.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:25

You say he's charming etc but don't forget that he will have made countless other women feel like you do. Not everyone thinks he's nice.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:25

@Fluffycloudland77 I’ve already reported him to HMRC with quite detailed info, twice, a year apart. Nothing came of it either time, he still has the same work situation and seems to get away with it with total ease! its bizarre.

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Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:27

@HollowTalk we aren’t married, we don’t have shared finances but he gives me £200-300 a month. I know this doesn’t sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but it really does make a difference to us.

I work but money is still very tight.

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Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:29

@Fluffycloudland77 firstly he disputes any reason I have for ending things. Total gaslighting. It’s as if he believes his own lies.. then he usually storms off, gives me the silent treatment or messages me asking if I’m sure I want to end things because there will be no going back Confused makes a huge drama, if I continue insisting I don’t want to be with him that’s when the money and contact stops.

If he senses any chance of me allowing him back, then the money and contact starts back up again.

OP posts:
Grumpos · 07/05/2020 14:30

You need to leave him.
You might not be able to do it immediately but you need to start planning how it can happen.
If he chooses not to see your DC then frankly that may be a better thing in the long run.
Yes they will be sad, yes they may feel unloved but in the long term you will be protecting them from an abusive situation. Do you really think he won’t turn his tactics on them eventually? By staying you are exposing them to a very very unhealthy situ in which will warp them for life.

By him going no contact they will have other issues but ones which can be resolved a lot easier than growing up in a home with domestic violence (which is what this is btw)

If he chooses not to see them then tell them he is very poorly. Tell them he’s dead. What does it matter, he is no real parent.

And the money - yes i imagine it’ll be very tough but there are systems in place and people who will help you.

PLEASE talk to women’s aid and start to plan.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:31

Maybe I should just end things, stick to it and deal with the financial implications and support DC through it if he cuts contact.

It’s really horrible walking on eggshells, scared to end our pretend relationship because it means he’ll be nasty, while he’s openly using dating profiles.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:31

Do you earn enough - with whatever tax credits etc you'd get - to keep yourself and your child without his money? Have you worked out what you'd get without him? You could look up what a rental would cost you. It's outrageous that HMRC didn't take action.

Grumpos · 07/05/2020 14:32

Also - do the freedom programme as pp suggested

Windyatthebeach · 07/05/2020 14:32

Set up your own profile...
I would...