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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s cheating again. What do I do?

142 replies

fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:53

Last year DP cheated on me and gave me an STI. It was the worst time of my entire life. We have DC.

He never accepted me ending things and is quite controlling. Nearly a year on from the cheating I stupidly agreed to try again because I wanted DC to grow up with both of us together And to get him off my back. He was withholding money and contact with DC for months previously and I was really struggling financially.

It’s been a matter of weeks and I’ve found a profile he has on online dating. We haven’t had sex so I’m not worried about STI’s this time but I don’t know how to ‘end’ this ‘relationship’ as I know it’ll mean he withholds money and won’t see DC anymore.

I know this post probably sounds completely pathetic but the money he gives me when I go along with us being ‘together’ has a huge impact and it’s so difficult when DC are upset when he withholds contact.

He is emotionally abusive towards me, and very controlling.

So AIBU to ask for advice please? Sad

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 15:19

Grey rock is great, when you get out.

Not really do able until then as his kind have a way of chipping away at you till you crack.

But definately handy for when you get your own place. And hopefully never have to see him for more than a few minutes per week from then on. If even.

fronttoback · 07/05/2020 15:24

If he's self-employed and doesn't declare his income, then report the tax-dodging bastard to HMRC.

Needhelp101 · 07/05/2020 15:28

I recommend Chumplady
www.chumplady.com/2020/05/i-lost-my-meh/

Windyatthebeach · 07/05/2020 15:29

If he has been fiddling his books he won't get much during the current Coronavirus situation!!
My ex also threatened to get the dc.
In reality he had them alternate Sat /Sun

Weekend every 6 weeks. Mostly he didn't turn up anyway.

rainbowlou · 07/05/2020 15:30

He sounds exactly like my ex!
I was threatened with court action and solicitors for ages, he was too bone idol to actually go through with it.
He said he would rather be an absent dad than a part time one and that my dd would always blame me for everything.
Well he has now not seen her for years and she and I are so close.
He was so abusive I packed up and left with nothing and scraped by on benefits and I’d never been happier.
You deserve so much more than this Flowers I hope you find the strength to leave him.

fodderbeet · 07/05/2020 15:36

How old are the children? If you get everything written down - his obligations of money and/or visiting, will they understand if he chooses to ignore them?

NeutrinoWrangler · 07/05/2020 15:36

I know it won't be easy, but the children are better with no father than with one who treats them this way. You don't want them to grow up with him as an example of how a man treats his partner and children.

MizMoonshine · 07/05/2020 15:44

Marry him.
Marry him, wait it out. Divorce the bastard and take half of everything.

Chloemol · 07/05/2020 15:53

You need to end it now, take the kids and go. It may mean financial hardship, but can family help out?

If he chooses not to pay any money then there is not a lot you can do, lots are in the same situation, not helpful I know but just trying to show others manage

As regards the children do you really want them to have a controlling abusive man as a role model? Is he chooses withholding contact with them then that’s his choice as they get older they will understand more why this happened and what a twat he is. If h3 dies want contact it should not be at your house

Candyfloss99 · 07/05/2020 16:00

Marry him.
Marry him, wait it out. Divorce the bastard and take half of everything.

Wow you think OP and her DCs mental health is worth less than a bit of money that she'd have to fight they the courts to get? Of course it isn't.

SunshineCake · 07/05/2020 16:02

Think about how you would feel if your mum said she stayed with your abusive dad for you. You'd feel crap. You can't stay for them. If he wants to control you by with holding contact with the children then let him. He isn't exactly a decent role model for them is he?

Money may be tight but there are ways around that.

Get him out. Use all the help, support and friendship you can and then you will have your mental health and dignity in the positive.

I am so sorry you are in this position but you can't live with a wannabe rapist for money or for your kids. It isn't fair to put that on them.

Lllot5 · 07/05/2020 16:02

He won’t get custody all the time he’s got an hole up his arse.
Tell him tonight to fuck off and not come back. When this tenancy ends move back with your folks. Take a deep breath and start again.
You have nothing to lose.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2020 16:06

Oh, I see re the tenancy. If by 'soon' you mean the next 60 days, I'd probably try to hang in there and bite my tongue whilst stealthily making arrangements. I think I could 'hang' for 2 months and bite my tongue.

But if the tenancy is for longer than 2 more months, I think I'd be making arrangements to leave ASAP (given the current lockdown, etc). It may be worth contacting whoever governs tenancies (I'm in the US so I don't know) and ask about any options to break the lease early or get your name off the tenancy. Mention that you are in an abusive relationship and see if there are exceptions for that. I'd also contact WA and Rights of Women and ask them the same questions.

MadeForThis · 07/05/2020 16:07

Can you stay with him extremely short term but use the time to get what the kids might need out of him?

Clothes, new shoes, toys school uniform etc. Is he anyway likely to be willing to buy some stuff that the kids might "urgently" need?

You know he will stop supporting them once you end the relationship. Get him to buy some stuff now??

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 16:13

You can just be like 'I'm done' btw. You dont even have to give a reason. If he asks why: 'I'm just done'.

Theres sod all he can say to that, because it's just your choice. Apart from maybe 'what about the kids?' in which case 'oh, they're done with this shitshow too. Done done done done done'.

But you can tell him that when you are safely away from him. And block him on everything bar maybe one method of contact. And only reply on that if it's about the kids. And even then, pretty much just only about drop off and pick up times.

Purrmuda · 07/05/2020 16:15

Do not have this man in your life or your children's lives. He sounds dangerous. Document every single thing including dates and locations of any sexual assaults, bullying, financial abuse etc. This will be helpful with custody.
Speaking as a child who was DESPERATE for my parents to divorce because of the constant toxic atmosphere which made me and my siblings physically and mentally very ill. They stuck together "for the sake of the kids" when it was clearly making everyone ill. Your kids wont thank you for staying near him.
The ending of a tenancy doesn't actually mean you have to go. You've got at least two months before they can issue a section 21 (I think it's called, check this!).
Good luck and get this loser out of your life!

ohnonotyetplease · 07/05/2020 16:21

Really sad for you OP - what a truly horrible situation
I'm just posting because I have read in the last few days somewhere that long term, children are happier living with one happy parent than they would be with two with conflict, abuse and unpleasantness.
Make sure you prepare well before making your move and best of luck for the future Flowers

Mrskeats · 07/05/2020 16:23

You need to get tough here. Tell him if he starts with the kids you will report him to HMRC.
I bet he's enjoying not being able to claim from the government currently.

Electrical · 07/05/2020 16:29

Yeah, there’s no reason to be making announcements or entering into conversations with this piece of trash, dump him, get the kids counselling, inform him that you will only communicate with him by email, and it’s about contact and child maintenance, any further attempts at contacting you in other ways, or about anything else will be harassment, and passed to the police.

TenShortStories · 07/05/2020 16:34

This is so sad. You've done everything you can to provide your kids with their dad, at your own expense. The thing is, if splitting up means he doesn't want to see them anymore then he was never really 'there' in the first place. A dad that bails on the kids when he cant use them to manipulate their mum anymore was never an asset in their lives. Being physically present isn't automatically a good thing. Their best chance at a successful and happy future is for their lovely mum to get herself sorted so that home is a stable and emotionally safe place. At least then dad, and the upset he causes, will be an external factor rather than something that regularly craps right in the middle of your lives.

Definitely leave. It doesn't even matter what you tell him because he won't be able to use your reasons to suck you back in this time.

I would perhaps suggest writing down all that is going on now and over the last few years though. The brain has a knack for wiping out the memories of periods of abuse, especially the details, and it may be something your kids want to know about one day (especially if he spins them a different story, painting you as the villain, and you want to counter it because you know it's not right but you can't really remember what actually happened either).

Needtosleep4days · 07/05/2020 16:36

You need to work out what can be done and get out of it.

You get one life. Don't waste it with a twat.

He's looking at other women for a reason. Not a right reason. But something in his head is making him do these things. He's not happy and content. Or he would not have cheated. He looks at other women and when he does that he will be thinking of what he would like to be doing. It's a fantasy and many men fuck up with it. So do women to be fair. But I couldn't forgive it. Your kids don't need you two together miserable. Let him go and shag other women. You go and live your life with respect for yourself. He's a pig. Ive been here but without the kids. I'm so glad I got rid. The trouble is once they know you know and you are still about they think you are a mug who loves them and will forgive. But you got to give him the shock of his life. You are worth 100000 times more then this.

0DETTE · 07/05/2020 16:40

Do not say anything to him about the profile, don’t tell him it’s over.

Say nothing to him until you have talked to womens aid, put a plan in place, have somewhere to go and some RL support.

unlikelytobe · 07/05/2020 16:41

he wouldn’t allow me to date anyone if things ever ended between us

This comment reminds me of awful stories I've read in the news. He doesn't want you, except to use you and control you, is looking out for someone else but doesn't want you to be able to move on? It's not just disgusting, it's dangerous. Get support, do research, be clear with him about it being over but don't get into any discussions or bargaining with him. Decide when the best time is to do this and it might not be right now but be resolute.

Stronger76 · 07/05/2020 16:42

Oh love, I feel for you I really do. I've been in your shoes. Getting out from under his control is hard.

If he does decide to not see the kids, or to pay CMS, it's HIM that's hurting them, not you. The responsibility is his, not yours.

You know you can't carry on like this. You'll manage financially, somehow. You'll find a way to escape his financial and emotional control, and establish some boundaries with him around seeing the kids outside the home, and that you are separating.

If he chooses to not see the kids, and they get upset at school, you tell the teacher that he's not seeing them. Ask school for some support for the kids - they should have someone that can offer some sort of budding or informal counselling.

Don't tell the kids that you're sorry they're not seeing dad (because really you're not) , tell them you're sorry that they're upset about not seeing him (which is the truth), and you wish daddy could keep his promises to them. Tell them you don't know why he's decided not to see them, pass that responsibility back to him.

I don't know how uc works (I was on jobseekers and whatever came before that as my youngest was under 5) but lots of posters say positive things.

If I could go back 8 years and show old me the current one, I wouldn't recognise myself. You have to give yourself and your dc a future without this.

Also, how the hell is he going to stop you finding someone new??

Stronger76 · 07/05/2020 16:47

Oh, and mine threatened suicide, then dole custody, then 50:50 despite never doing anything for the kids. Has only seen them twice for 2 hours in a year. He tells me over and over again that the kids will work it all out and go running to him when they're older, yet he's chosen to hardly see them for 8 years

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