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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s cheating again. What do I do?

142 replies

fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:53

Last year DP cheated on me and gave me an STI. It was the worst time of my entire life. We have DC.

He never accepted me ending things and is quite controlling. Nearly a year on from the cheating I stupidly agreed to try again because I wanted DC to grow up with both of us together And to get him off my back. He was withholding money and contact with DC for months previously and I was really struggling financially.

It’s been a matter of weeks and I’ve found a profile he has on online dating. We haven’t had sex so I’m not worried about STI’s this time but I don’t know how to ‘end’ this ‘relationship’ as I know it’ll mean he withholds money and won’t see DC anymore.

I know this post probably sounds completely pathetic but the money he gives me when I go along with us being ‘together’ has a huge impact and it’s so difficult when DC are upset when he withholds contact.

He is emotionally abusive towards me, and very controlling.

So AIBU to ask for advice please? Sad

OP posts:
CarolefeckinBaskin · 07/05/2020 14:57

That's shit OP.
I think you know that this has to end no matter what. He has clearly learned nothing from last time. He neither gives a fuck about you nor the Dc sadly.
You already know what he's capable of regarding money and contact so you can get prepared this time.
Do not allow him access in your home. If he comes around or contacts you being a dick then ring the police for advice.
His 'not allowing' you date later on - I wouldn't give that any thought tbh.
He is not responsible for what you do later on down the line - I'm quite sure you didn't want to be a single parent and for your dc to have a cheating fanny rat for a father but hey ho! he didn't listen to that did he.
Fuck him, you're worth more.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:57

The best thing you can hope for with this man is that he finds someone else pronto and buggers off.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:58

Should I just tell him tonight that I’ve seen the profile, it’s over between us for good and that’s it?

Then leave the ball in his court to contact me regarding contact?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 07/05/2020 14:58

As if he'd go for some custody!!!

Dont let him in your house.
The dc wont blame you. Do you know that??

One day they'll thank you.

BagForLife9 · 07/05/2020 14:58

I would suggest having a think about creating a situation where you aren’t financially dependant on him.
I’ve been in a similar situation myself, people will tell you to report him for his fraudulent income, to go to CMS etc but the truth of the matter is there is little you can do and you will only drive yourself crazy trying to get what is fair.

I understand that you are worried about the children not seeing their dad but this arrangement isn’t healthy, if he withholds contact that’s HIS decision and you are not to blame for that.

It is healthier for your children to be brought up by one strong independent mother than to live in the middle of an abusive relationship.

Could you look for cheaper housing? Change jobs? Change working hours? Anything to mean that you can manage on your own without his money.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:59

I’m not even particularly upset or jealous about him using the dating site, I actually feel quite sorry for whoever he snares next. I don’t think he’s capable of kindness or loyalty, or any or the things which make someone a decent person/partner

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 14:59

He’s not going to get sole custody. Not unless he’s been a sahd previously.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 15:00

They always threaten full custody - shortly before threatening suicide - which is shortly before they find someone else and you never hear from them again.

I would do anything for a quiet life at the moment. If he's going to cause a lot of trouble if you confront him and you have nowhere to go, that's going to be a problem. If you have somewhere to go to temporarily, I'd go and take the child too.

ilikemethewayiam · 07/05/2020 15:00

Groping you without your consent is sexual assault. Vile man. You could use that to have him removed from the house or get accommodation elsewhere. Yes he will turn nasty but that is going to happen anyway. You can’t control what HE does re the children and money but you can control what YOU do. Speak to women’s aid and other agency’s to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later. With a bit of luck he’ll find someone else and move on quickly. You will get through it financially. I did. I was in a similar position to you. It was really tough for a period of time but I had peace of mind, freedom, my dignity and my mental health. No amount of money can compensate for that! Do it, you won’t regret it.

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 15:00

I wouldn't tell him shit. It'll only give him an 'in' to mindfuk you.

Get your stuff and get out. Text him when you and the kids are somewhere safe. Dont make a palace of packing. Tell him you're taking the kids out for air.

Try to get away without any discussion. A discussion wont get you closure. It'll just cause you more stress, pain and may make you stay.

GabriellaMontez · 07/05/2020 15:02

Yes leave contact in his court. That's for him to arrange and plan.

Practically leaving could be a different matter. Where will you go? Will he leave?

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 15:02

*palava

GabriellaMontez · 07/05/2020 15:02

Totally agree with PP.

No discussion. No explanation. None necessary. You owe him nothing.

VettiyaIruken · 07/05/2020 15:05

He doesn't love you. He simply believes you are his property.

He also doesn't love his children. They are nothing more than a way to control you.

Hard as it is, it is best to secure a life without him contributing a penny, and with a court order in place setting out contact.

It will be tough on the children but they will come to see the toxic pile of shit he is and that you did everything you could to protect them from believing that's acceptable.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 15:05

I quite like the idea of not having any sort of discussion.

He doesn’t seem worth it, and it will just give him ammunition to use against me won’t it.

I don’t want to be to outing RE current housing situation, but the tenancy is ending soon and I’m thinking I could stay with family once it ends and look for somewhere just for me and DC.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/05/2020 15:06

This is an emotionally abusive and controlling man. I think you and the dc would be better off without in your lives in the long run. You at least would have the opportunity to build something on your own - you won't get that staying.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 15:07

Yes @category12 you’re right. I’m kicking myself for not being firm when he cheated last year, we’d have gotten over the worst of it by then and hopefully have adjusted to his absence.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 07/05/2020 15:09

He has always said that if I end things DC will blame me for the lack of contact,

What he means is that every contact he has with them, he'll tell them all the time that it's your fault. And of course in his version he will have done nothing wrong at all. He'll tell them that he was a model husband and father. As the DCs grow up they'll see through him.

and he’s threatened to try and get sole custody.

An empty threat to put you back in your box. He can try but he won't have a hope in hell.

As for you can't date anyone else, cross that bridge if you come to it. There are court orders you can apply for if his behaviour is threatening or abusive.

Right now, start a diary while everything is fresh in your mind. It will be useful when it comes to the split and if he does try to take you to court for sole custody.

Please leave him. Deal with the future as and when it happens. He may well lose interest anyway after a while when he moves on to someone new. He just can't bear to live without having control over someone.

YappityYapYap · 07/05/2020 15:09

Is the tenancy in your name OP? To be honest, even if his name is on it, I can't see the police making you let him back in (if he even bothers getting the police involved to get back in) if you tell them what you've said here. There's a cooling off period anyway where if someone asks their partner that is abusive to leave the household, even if the house is in the name of the abusive person, the police aren't to assist them getting back in. I'm not sure how long this is for though and what meets the requirements for it

Windyatthebeach · 07/05/2020 15:09

End it. He really has no control over you then. You can leave /get a new tenancy for just your self +dc. He can't stop you having a bf.
You can claim benefits.
He won't see the dc? Really a loss to them is he?
Cms will catch him eventually. Get a claim in. Can he backdated 3 months I believe.
Call his bloody bluff.

Cherrysoup · 07/05/2020 15:10

If you still have the financial info, pass it on to cms, sod HMRC.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2020 15:11

I know you aren't married, but are you living together?

If you are, then go with what foodandwine lists as #1. Get ducks in a row. Since you aren't married you may not need to see a solicitor since there won't be a divorce. But if you have commingled assets such as a house/mortgage OR if you have a joint rental lease.

If you aren't living together, then sit down and make a budget without his 'contribution'. Be ruthless in cutting expenses down to the bare essentials. You might be surprised at what you can really do without or can change brands/methods to cheaper (or whatever). You can always loosen up the pursestrings after a few months.

Then tell him it's over. Block him on everything but a dedicated email account. Tell him the email address and that it's the only acceptable contact method for arranging to see the DC. If he contacts you other than that, call the police and report him as that's harassment which is defined as 'repeated, unwanted contact'.

If he's going to get nasty, you are going to need to get tough. And tough means steeling yourself to cut contact with him. Accept that he will probably try to use the DC as a wedge and a weapon. You are going to have to NOT let him do that, even if it means he doesn't see them. Because if he doesn't see them in order to manipulate you then he is not healthy for them. He'll flash in and out of their lives punishing you AND them when he doesn't get his own way. They're better off without him because they'll have a stable and happy mum and a calm and peaceful home.

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 15:12

The less discussion you have with these sorts the better. Everything that comes outa their mouths is usually poison, designed to control you.

He's like Karr the snake from the jungle book xD

If you go first, remember to call and take your name n payment details off the household bills ect just before you go! (Or take the paperwork so you can do it when you leave).

Needhelp101 · 07/05/2020 15:16

Are you with my ex-husband?

Seriously, grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. Google it.

@Wanderlust21 puts it perfectly!

Needhelp101 · 07/05/2020 15:17

Seriously, it's good that you're not married. Do all you can to get him out, if he won't go, do all you can to get out yourself. You're stronger than you realise and I wish you all the best x