He’s cheating again. What do I do?

[fucknotagain1]

Last year DP cheated on me and gave me an STI. It was the worst time of my entire life. We have DC.

He never accepted me ending things and is quite controlling. Nearly a year on from the cheating I stupidly agreed to try again because I wanted DC to grow up with both of us together And to get him off my back. He was withholding money and contact with DC for months previously and I was really struggling financially.

It’s been a matter of weeks and I’ve found a profile he has on online dating. We haven’t had sex so I’m not worried about STI’s this time but I don’t know how to ‘end’ this ‘relationship’ as I know it’ll mean he withholds money and won’t see DC anymore.

I know this post probably sounds completely pathetic but the money he gives me when I go along with us being ‘together’ has a huge impact and it’s so difficult when DC are upset when he withholds contact.

He is emotionally abusive towards me, and very controlling.

So AIBU to ask for advice please?

Perhaps just forgo the money if you can. That is what I had to do with my awful ex, I couldn't afford it but it resulted in a clean break.

Do you live with him? If you can stay with family as soon as your tenency is up then do that and save save save for a few months if that's possible to get yourself on the financial front foot, that will really help you out, and if you don't need the money from him then he can't hold it over you. Anyone you can lean on at the minute do it, I would bend over backwards for my friends and family if they were in the situation. Don't be unhappy you deserve more than that!!

My ex left and moved to the other side of the country.
I was surprised at how quickly my children adapted. The youngest one would not sleep with the light off at first and needed a bit of extra support, but after a few months his confidence returned and now he's very happy.
If you can possibly last a year without a second job then I would go for that while you all adjust.

I'm sure you'll all be better off without him!

Op, you’re mental health won’t improve by staying with him for money.

The kids will struggle as he plays hard ball. But he’s not going to never see his kids again. And if he doesn’t, well it’s his loss he was a shit dad.

You can't win with him, but you can stop playing the game. End it, accept that money will be tight, focus on your kids,they won't blame you. I was in a similar situation and did this - I have lived on the breadline ever since but even so it's still been worth it and the best decision I ever made.

We could scrape by without the money he provides but it wouldn’t be very nice.

You might scrape by financially (for now, things could improve if you can organise an alternative working pattern) but in return you will have peace of mind for yourself without this pos sucking the life out of you and thats priceless. Your children aren't going to benefit in the long run living with him either, especially as they get older and pick up on his bad behaviours and strained atmospheres at home.

A marriage is over when one party says enough; they don't have to convince the second party or justify the decision. A marriage only continues is both parties want it to.

You don't have to engage with his questioning. Over is one word. You'll know when you can say it and mean it.

You've had some good advice here, and I hope you can take strength from the support of the posters.

I would also strongly repeat what others have said - do NOT make any announcements about the dating site, or about your plans. Tell him NOTHING. Just quietly go about your business of getting ready to go.

Then go to your parents and make arrangements to get your own place. It might not be pleasant to begin with - but quite frankly you are in a living hell at the moment, so anything will be an improvement.

Think of the relief you will feel, the freedom, the lack of constantly worrying about his reactions.

And when you do go, don't tell him, just leave and don't tell him where you end up.

Oh love you’ve got to split with him. You’ll be a better mum if your head isn’t fucked with his abuse constantly.

When arranging child contact, do it all through email. No texts or phone conversations. That way the kids can see when they are old enough that you tried to arrange it and it was his abusive tactics that meant they didn’t see him, which they probably won’t, as he won’t be bothered to have them on his own.

Why would you want this utterly vile thing in your children's lives? Don't think for one minute he wouldn't do the same to them as he's doing to you.

Women's Aid, Rights of Women. You know he's a cunt so that bit will be straightforward at least. Women's Aid will support you and the kids to get out. They are a great resource, the experts, and can also signpost you to a variety of orgs that will help you.

(I hope you're not thinking you don't deserve WA because you haven't been hit? This is a severe case of domestic abuse/coercive control. He should go to prison for what he's done to you.)

Just a little tip: whatever you want, ask for the opposite. Eg, and this is so important, if you don't want him to see the kids and I sincerely hope you don't then make a fuss and get upset he won't see them. That will guarantee he doesn't. If you say fuck off mate, you're not seeing the kids, he'll probably hound you in the courts and go for full custody. Etc.

Thank you for all your words of wisdom/encouragement

So I was going to wait it out for a while but last night I actually couldn’t - I could see him there, glancing at me and then angling his phone away, clearly speaking to other women or on the stupid app.

I told him that things are over between us, for good. I won’t discuss it further or change my mind this time.

I didn’t get into details about the profile because as many people said, it would only give him ammunition to use against me, and achieve nothing. I was quite surprised by how neutral I felt, I didn’t feel upset at all.

He started crying then accusing me of not caring about him then saying that he knew I’d been waiting to make an excuse to end things he has gone to stay with family now.

This morning he sent me a huge lengthy text, along the lines of ‘are you sure this is what you want because there’s no going back’ just his way of trying to feel like he’s in control I suppose? I don’t plan on answering.

Well done @fucknotagain1. Today is the Beginning. It's going to be difficult to start with but it is going to be wonderful. Freeing myself from my controlling ex is the best decision I have ever made for myself and my children.

I would advise you to be very firm with your boundaries. He doesn't see them at your house. Keep contact to a minimum and only about the children. Set a day and time for contact and don't deviate from it. His relationship with the children is his responsibility to maintain, not yours. Build a life for yourself so that any maintenance from him is a bonus not a necessity.

You can do this.

that’s brilliant OP!!

Well done OP. That's a brave step to make

Well done op! X

Crying you dont care for him as he surfs his dating app??!!

So glad to hear you've taken the first step to moving on.

You're right. Dont respond to his text. Enjoy the weekend. Keep protecting your children from this toxic wanker.

Well done OP. He would just drag you down. If he refuses to maintain a relationship with his children, because you're not together, then that tells you all you need to know.

Wow! You're my hero , OP

That's good news. Don't let him get to you about the children. It's really not good for kids to grow up in a family where their father treats their mother so badly.

My father told my mother that he wouldn't have anything to do with us children if she left him. She stayed with him until he died. They were married for over 50 miserable years.

Their relationship caused so many problems in our family. I'm the only one of four children that's relatively okay, the others have had endless problems with their mental health. Sadly, looking back the person I've felt most angry with is my mother because she didn't protect us from the situation and she chose to please him (someone who was never going to be pleased) over us.

Your children won't blame you for the situation in the long run.

Oh he knew no such thing 🙄. What an idiot.

Good for you!. You can apply for single rate council tax online.

You say the DC get upset, but at some point, when they are no longer any use to him as a beating stick for you, he will ditch them.
Better to make a clean break now. When they are old enough, you can explain that it was him that refused to see them and they were being used as pawns in his game of control.

Contact Women's Aid for support and, this time, don't weaken.

Excellent however be careful this won't be the end.

It is vital you get support from WA.

Have you a friend who could be a third party to broker future communication. So you have no direct contact. Keep everything about the kids and be very grey rock.

Well done, ignore everything and change the locks so he can't move in.

Ring up and get your UC claim started.

When the DC ask where he has gone, tell them age appropriate truth.

Daddy wants a new girlfriend instead of me and he has been unkind towards me.

Not underestimating whatever challenges lie ahead while you sort out details and readjust, but I hope you feel a little lighter today having taken that first -huge- step.

No more wondering or worrying about his seedy carryings on, let him get on with it. Onwards and upwards for you my girl!