Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s cheating again. What do I do?

142 replies

fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 13:53

Last year DP cheated on me and gave me an STI. It was the worst time of my entire life. We have DC.

He never accepted me ending things and is quite controlling. Nearly a year on from the cheating I stupidly agreed to try again because I wanted DC to grow up with both of us together And to get him off my back. He was withholding money and contact with DC for months previously and I was really struggling financially.

It’s been a matter of weeks and I’ve found a profile he has on online dating. We haven’t had sex so I’m not worried about STI’s this time but I don’t know how to ‘end’ this ‘relationship’ as I know it’ll mean he withholds money and won’t see DC anymore.

I know this post probably sounds completely pathetic but the money he gives me when I go along with us being ‘together’ has a huge impact and it’s so difficult when DC are upset when he withholds contact.

He is emotionally abusive towards me, and very controlling.

So AIBU to ask for advice please? Sad

OP posts:
Grumpos · 07/05/2020 14:34

Yeah you should end it - think of it this way, you may stay together for a few years and he decides he’s met someone else and is leaving anyway. So you have less money, kids don’t see him and you’ve wasted more of your years and endured more emotional battery.

Nothing is ever going to come of this relationship. You’ll just waste your life.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:37

Thanks @grumpos that’s a really good point, it feels inevitable that he will dissapear sooner or later if he wants to. I don’t doubt once he has what he sees as a ‘better offer’ he will leave anyway, then I’ll be in the same position but angry at myself for allowing it to continue

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:37

I wouldn't agree to even one visit by him once you've gone. You know his game now - don't play it with him.

Is there anywhere you can go to now? Parents?

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:38

We could scrape by without the money he provides but it wouldn’t be very nice. I’m trying to work out if there’s any way for me to get an additional job or work more hours to bridge the gap a bit.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 07/05/2020 14:40

Maybe I should just end things, stick to it and deal with the financial implications and support DC through it if he cuts contact.

This is exactly what you should do. Get him out and apply for UC. If he cuts contact with the kids, that's down to him. Stop allowing him to control and manipulate you over a couple of hundred quid and through your children's emotions.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:40

I’m debating telling him tonight that I’ve seen the profile and it’s over for good, and just riding out the consequences.

I’ve felt like I’m in limbo with him for months where I’m not allowed to truly heal or adjust to his absence, at least now this has happened it’s given me a push to actually do something about it all

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 14:40

Would you be entitled to benefits as a single parent?.

He can dispute all he wants he can’t make you stay though.

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/05/2020 14:41

And don't allow visitation at your place.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:42

He’s also said before that he wouldn’t allow me to date anyone if things ever ended between us, because of DC

I know it’s not relevant now really, but it’s just that horrible feeling that I’ll never truly escape. Even months or years after ending things, if I meet someone else I’ll be worried about him finding out Sad

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 07/05/2020 14:44
  1. SAY NOTHING until you get your ducks in a row. Gather financial info, bank accounts, all the documents you need and see a solicitor. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, you need to protect your children and be in a good position to fight him. You will get nothing from confronting him. He will never stop cheating, he will never magically become a good person.
  1. The children's sadness will go away in time. And you have to account for how horrible he is going to be to them if you stay together. You have to try and protect them from that.
  1. Come back on MN every time you need to but make sure he doesn't find this. This is your safe space and I got lots of good help when I divorced.
HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:45

He’s also said before that he wouldn’t allow me to date anyone if things ever ended between us, because of DC

What a fucking nerve he has. He's dating people while he's with you yet you're not allowed to after splitting up? Fuck him.

Is the house rented? Whose name is on the rental?

Practically speaking if you can't get him to leave (and it sounds as though he won't go easily) then where can you go to?

HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:46

@foodandwine89 They're not married, though, so getting hold of his bank details won't help.

GabriellaMontez · 07/05/2020 14:48

This man sounds disgusting. Lies, cheating, bullying, controlling. An awful husband and dad.

Do you really want this around your children?

Get rid completely

CMS will probably never catch up with him. So start making plans for yourself to earn a little bit more.

YappityYapYap · 07/05/2020 14:49

You should be able to claim UC. There's some ladies on here that are really good at working out amounts for you if you tell them a few bits of information like age, how many DC you have and when they were born, what your rent is if you pay rent and how much you earn and your pay date each month.

There is a 5 week wait but you should be ok to scrape by for 5 weeks? You can also take an advanced payment from UC if you need to. I would just end it now if I were you and trust that you will be ok. Hopefully someone will be along to help with the UC amount side of things so you know where you will be financially

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 14:49

The cheating is a drop in the ocean. Why would you stay with someone emotionally abusive!? Or raise your kids in a household with that. It most certainly isnt good for them or the right thing to do. You know this! Get yourself out.

I was just watching a video by melanie Tonia Evan's (who talks about narcissistic abuse) yesterday where she mentioned - if you leave them, and then go back - it will be waaaaay worse. Because they have to punish you for leaving in the first place. The video was about the 9 ways narcissists 'Hoover' (try to get you back).

Get yourself out of there!!!!
And learn about narcissists in order to help keep you away and safe this time. (Ps never let him know you know he is one. He will turn it round on you). Run for your life! And your kids lives.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:49

For what it’s worth I did get as much of his bank / financial / work info and passed onto HMRC which achieved nothing. I don’t think I have the emotional capacity to play detective again, it’s exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:51

Yes he’s horrible he’s completely toxic.

I never thought I could end up in a situation like this, I’ve never had any issue with standing up for myself and being assertive, but he’s just so, so manipulative.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/05/2020 14:51

I would love to know what goes on at HMRC if they can't be bothered to follow up on a lead like that.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:52

I could get by with UC private rent but it would be tight.

I think I just need to suck it up because the money isn’t worth feeling trapped and sad all the time. And constantly worried he might up and leave and upset DC if I break one of his rules

OP posts:
Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:53

@HollowTalk I gave them everything - who he banks with, obviously name and address, where he worked, how long he’s worked there being self employed and not declaring the income, the agency who pays him, how much he gets paid and on which dates, it’s quite mind blowing really!

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 07/05/2020 14:53

If he doesn't want a relationship with the DC then you can just leave as if you didn't have children with him. Tell the housing executive you are homeless and get help with housing. Keep working. He can rot in hell.

TryingToBeBold · 07/05/2020 14:54

If he withholds contact for DC.. fine.
Make it a permanent thing and go through the courts rather than him flitting in and out of their life.
They'll thank you for it.
And the money.. although handy.. you've already said you would scrape by.
Scraping by is better than emotional abuse.

End it.

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 14:54

Just think of it this way - your kids see this. They see how he treats you, and you tolerating it. They will then grow up to marry men or women, just like him. Or worse, turn into someone who abuses people, just like him.

You gotta make a stand and get out, permanently.

Megatron · 07/05/2020 14:56

You absolutely cannot stay with this man for £2/300 a month, there must be another way.

Please, for your sake, and for the sake of your DCs get the hell away from this utter bastard.

Original poster
fucknotagain1 · 07/05/2020 14:56

He has always said that if I end things DC will blame me for the lack of contact, and he’s threatened to try and get sole custody.

I can’t see that happening as he’s lazy but I feel like I can’t win with him, ever. Even contact with DC is fair game for him to use as a control tactic

OP posts: