I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

OP, something g is not right with him psychologically and he’s using food to compensate. I’ve never heard of anyone eating so much as this in my life! It makes me ill to even think about it. Who eats 3 bowls of cereal on their own, let alone after a huge dinner, chicken nuggets and 30 slices of ham? It’s just unbelievable. I don’t think you can solve this on your own. I think he needs a psychotherapist. Or CBT maybe? This is off the scale and I say this with a DH who eats a lot and 2 teen boys who are 6 ft 5 and 6 ft 2 and even they wouldn’t eat close to that between them.

He has binge eating disorder, I mean I am not a doctor but there is no way he has a normal relationship to food. The more stress he has in his life (or whatever the trigger is, can be any number of things), the more he's going to binge to deal with it.

Ditto the kids, it sounds like he has no coping skills for the stress of being with them, so he just avoids them, pretends to work all hours / finds busy work to do.

I'd suspect you have a partner who has no idea how to adult, tbh. His bingeing and avoidant behaviour are all he has. Unfortunately he probably lacks insight into his own emotions, and as such, doesn't even realize that he is bingeing, or avoiding, or even doing anything wrong. The fact that he sees you suffer and just carries on is testament to that. I doubt he feels his own emotions, and as such, your emotions are meaningless to him. He sounds like someone who is puzzled by the idea that other people exist and might have needs.

Tbh, if any of that rings true, yeah I would stop trying to get him to see sense etc. Pretend you're a single parent. Let him binge, you can't stop it. Buy food for the children and yourself, and lock it up. And plan your way out of the marriage.

Don't be embarrassed about locks on stuff. You need them, in order to save enough money to end things.

The only way out is through. The problems your DH has can only be solved by him, and I suspect he will not take action. Of course you know him best, but that's the impression I get. I'm not saying he's a bad person but honestly if someone's MH are so bad that they are literally snatching food from their children's mouths, no matter the upset or expense, no matter the pandemic, then unfortunately that's not the household for kids to be in.

Best wishes OP. Your situation sounds horrible. When a loved one has MH issues but cannot see the problem or impact, it is the most heartbreaking, exhausting thing in the world xx

I noticed in an earlier post that the OP said she didn't want to put a lock on the fridge because of the shame she would feel when other people saw it.

@Namechanger20183110 the shame shouldn't be yours, it should be HIS. I would resignedly tell anyone who asks exactly why you've put the lock on the door, preferably telling them in front of your husband so he is the one who is shamed by them knowing

There is no point the OP trying to tackle the DH's eating disorder with food diaries, locks on the cupboards, or anything else. The DH will only change when he accepts there is a problem and decides to change for himself.

He is clearly in deep denial. She needs to leave (when possible), not waste her time, trying to fix someone who isn't ready to be fixed.

I had to post , quick as in in a rush, but OMFG I feel so sorry for you, here's your ☕ and some 🌸 and 🍫 (before he eats it)

I agree MrsNoah and there's no point only buying food to last a couple of days either cos he'll just eat it. His problems are many but if he's not willing to face them its not OPs job to fix them.

I'm worried about where the op is now.

I agree with making him do the shopping. It may just bring home to him how much he's eating if he has to go out every single day to top up the cupboards because HE has eaten all of it. If he carries on thinking that he can eat what he wants and the fairies will just bring more, then he won't ever feel the consequence.

Although I don't think it will help. He'll just spend a fucking fortune on food he likes, nobody else in the house will get a look in.

I had an ex like that who said 'you move out as I'm not going anywhere'. We were renting so in the end I did move out which was traumatic, and incredibly annoying as after a few months he moved out and back in with his mother

This doesn't surprise me Sarah.

Men like this never want to be bothered with looking after themselves -they always have to have a mug wife/GF/mother to run round after their lazy arses.

My exh said the same. I should move because he wasn't.

So I did. With the kids. Lots of mners say this is unwise, that it inmpacts divorce. It didn't. I rented a house. As soon as the divorce was done, I bought.

Shockingly as soon as i left and he relapsed home wasnt quite so nice, without me and the kids, he offered to move out and let us move in. Not a chance. The freedom in moving our was amazing!

Personally, I would start documenting what he is doing. If you make clear you are preparing for separation, I think his behaviour will get worse.

Personally, I would start documenting what he is doing. If you make clear you are preparing for separation, I think his behaviour will get worse.

I think Peggy is right. AT the moment he doesn't think OP will actually do anything - he thinks that because they have children together she will avoid anything which impacts them - he hasn't got theses to see that the way he is treating her is already having an effect on them, because it is badly affecting OP.

And for those people who say that he must be ill - no normal person eats that much - well, you may be right. But no loving husband treats his wife the way this man is treating the OP, or talks to her like that.

@Funnyface1 am sure they're ok. Probably busy looking after dcs because lazy bastard won't be.

I keep food needed for meals away from food for snacks and foraging trips. Or just tell my family what they aren't to take without asking. I'd buy a box of snacks for just him, extra cereals, bread etc and if he wajts more than what is there he has to get it himself. And address the mess issue and childcare. But the overeating sounds like a talk for another time.

Why are people suggesting that OP needs to hide or lock away food, that she is somehow responsible for stopping the hog from snaffling day and night.

OP - your relationship is a shit show. Food issues aside, he doesn’t help with kids, won’t clean up after himself and refuses to engage in a proper conversation, instead brushes your concerns off.
So the question is, do you want to waste the next 10-15 years of your life? Because ultimately this relationship is doomed unless there are MASSIVE changes - and honestly, it’s rare that people can change to the extent he needs to. So, eventually the relationship will break down from all the issues and the inability on his part to see them or do anything about them, and you will have lost a good amount of years being tired and sick of it all. Wishing you’d left him years and years ago.

The decision is yours but personally I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms - we seek change and help to resolve all these issues or we break up. And I’d bloody well mean it too

He may or may not have food issues, quite frankly if he does shaming him or locking fridge etc will not be effective - if they are seriously food issues (ie more than I like to eat alot of food) then it's a mental health concern.

There are other issues here though-hiding in work, not helping with family chores. It's a common theme at the moment-the husband (it is usually the husband) being oh so tied up with Important Work that they can't possibly be free to do anything else, shop, clean, childcare. It's seemingly forgotten by all that if this person was alone they would have to do all these things for themselves.

He may have a mental health issue, but you can still have boundaries. Seek advice on the eating and how to tackle that conversation (Mind, Over eating groups) and in the meantime lay down some expectations - we will be taking it in turns to shop, if you eat all the bread it's replaced by you etc. Good luck.

How was he with food yesterday?

You're not his mother or his keeper. So if he wants snacks on top of what you're cooking, he can go out and buy them himself.
He was totally and completely out of order for leaving the kitchen in a state, and you must leave that for him to sort.
It sounds to me like he has issues with food that go beyond greed. And you don't sound well-suited. I couldn't be with someone who went to bed at 9pm, whether we had young kids or not.

Have you posted about your DH before OP? This eating whole loaves of bread and being this inconsiderate of food is very familiar. If it is you, you were given lots of good advice then 🤷‍♀️

Sorry if this has been said before but I bet he’s more than 16 stone. When did he last weigh himself? How tall is he?
OP he’s gross and the worst thing isn’t even the bingeing, it’s the huge mess he leaves for you and making you do all the childcare. Selfish and piggy.

haveatem I think I remember that post...and instinctively I don’t think it’s the same OP.

This is awful. Maybe you need to write down in black and white with bullet points what you want to change and present it to him?

Who has ever made fundamental positive changes to their lifestyle and been motivated to quiet their demons by being presented with a list of bullet points to illustrate their failings?

I woukd tackle this by stopping buying the snacks and 'easy' foods he's gorging on. Processed meats aren't good for anyone anyway. If the bulk of the food in the fridge is things like raw fish, beef or chicken, whole raw veg, etc, and the bulk of the food in the cupboards is dried pulses or beans and lentils, then just doing the prep will slow him right down. If the bread lives in the freezer, he'll have to crack the slices out and toast or microwave them. I'd freeze as much as the freezer will hold and just not buy ready made anything because he'll scarf it. Buy porridge oats instead of boxes of sugary cereal, or choose low sugar boring cereals like weetabix or shredded wheat.

Your older child might have to adapt a bit, too, but if your DH - or rather GH (greedy husband) simply can't open the fridge and mindlessly eat what he finds to hand but has to peel, chop, boil, toast or grill, it will give him time to think.

You might have to keep a very secret stash of little treats for the ones in the house who have their appetites under control!

As he scarfs his way through the easy stuff, just don't replace it.

Is he really working all that time or is something else happening on his computer - gambling? Porn? YouTube clips of car restorations? He needs to get some regular exercise breaks in. Perversely, there's nothing that makes you hungrier than sitting at a screen all day. Boredom is another enemy!

You sound like a great cook. When you deliberately over-cater at meals, why not give him a big plateful and put the rest in the fridge so he gets it later when he does a raid? It will space the eating out.

Never ever clear up after his binges. It's colluding and enabling; the equivalent of disposing of the alcoholic's empty bottles. Don't prepare anything for him until he has made the kitchen fit to work in. People like him will happily watch you work yourself to death if you are soft enough to do it.

Good luck!

pictish, my DH after I gave him a five point ultimatum: I need to see these changes or I will divorce you!

It was a last resort and I wasn't demanding anything unreasonable or dealing with any addictions. I did give him a paper copy and a highlighter and invite him to mark anything he thought I had no right to expect from him.

And I had tried everything else first and reached the end of my tether. Now he tells me he just wishes I had done it sooner. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Great post @NearlyGranny. Am glad it worked out for you. The only niggle I have is when you said Now he tells me he just wishes I had done it sooner that is sad he didnt say he wishes he had been an adult and sorted himself out rather than it being on your shoulders. Especially when he must have seen you were at the end of your tether.
But anyway, that doesnt take away from your great tips for the OP.