I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

Blowing of top is not likely to bring about the changes you need.

This sounds like time for a real talk. You need to meet properly and deal with some of these things in a clear calm way. Life has to change. (Start there.)

It looks as if it would help to address a number of different things:

• a fairer sharing of the responsibilities and time with the children. This is for your good but also for the children - and for him.
• not eating food that is needed for the children.
• shopping (who does it and how much is bought). It looks as if he needs to be involved so that he sees a difference between his 'snack's and the family's food.
• your concern for his health. The appetite and eating all the time but not increasing weight is something to check. This was a symptom of diabetes for someone I know well. (This is his own body - so he gets to choose how he deals with it of course but he needs to know that it could be serious if just left... and that his health affects all of you! )

The underlying issues to his eating are just that- HIS issues. It is not your responsibility to address them, it is his. You have repeatedly told him how unhappy his selfish behaviour makes you but he still chooses to abdicate from parental responsibility and leave all of their care and the mental load that goes along with it to you. You have done all you can do, he now needs to step up, or not. But this is HIS choice to make. Your choice to make is whether or not you want to stick around and wait for him to decide what choice he is making. Personally, I would be making arrangements to leave him and start looking for solicitors to represent me in the divorce. Even if he does change long-term, what good will it be if YOU are just a shell of your former self after parenting him as well as the children?! What is the impact of this on them, if your mentally drained from their father? Put yourself and those babies first and leave the selfish man child

Id call him a greedy fucking gluttonous cunt. Ugh

Agree with 1wildheart - and have to say that so many people I know are eating way more for a variety of reasons. I tend to be cooking more as everyone is at home, but food is a comfort and relieves boredom.

Obviously your husband is doing this on another level, but it's the same pattern.

There are so many stress indicators in your post, teething baby, no sleep for you, demanding toddler, aside from you also looking after your DH.

So many people I know are living almost in a cocoon, although had to laugh when a friend looked at her DH and told him, 'you know I will need to fancy you at some stage when this is all over...'

Does anyone else wonder if his pancreas is not working?
You said he is thin, has he lost weight?
My ex was eatting for England turned out type 1 Diabetes, and the food would go in and come out but only 10% actually made it into his body.
Does he seem to be getting more emotional?

How is he only 16 stone and not double that???

I'd be concerned at his level of eating as this is way too much. My guess is he's very stressed by having to work confined to a bedroom. If he's eating food bought for you or your DS, then he either has a serious problem with impulse control or is greedy and selfish.

But that is no excuse for not clearing up after himself. That's just selfish and slobbish.

You need to tell him that his behaviour is unreasonable and that until he stops, you will be locking away food for you and your son.I'd suggest he gets some external help for his stress-based eating, starting with a Dr's appointment. This will have serious consequences if he doesn't.

Have you posted about him before? Eating a whole loaf of bread sounds familiar, did he once eat a whole family meal as a late night snack?

If you are the same poster then he clearly isn't going to change & I can't see anyone blaming you for splitting up. It's not just the food but he isn't part of the family at all is he, he literally does nothing of use.

My guess is he's very stressed by having to work confined to a bedroom.

No, OP says he's always been like this.

How disgusting.

OP, your dad being vulnerable doesn't mean you can't go there, surely? If they have space, I'd consider it. Surely you would take as much care there as you do in your own house, probably more, you'd be a help to them.

Sounds like you have one foot out the door. I can't imagine why you'd stay, given that you have a career too.

I think you should lay off getting after him about how much he eats. What he eats is his business, even if you find it revolting and unhealthy (both of which it is). It's his problem.

But you should not have to shop for him or clean up after him. And it's unfair for you to do all the parenting (unless you prefer it that way because it actually makes your life easier - which can sometimes be the case).

Tell him you will no longer shop for him - it's over to him now. You will be shopping and cooking for yourself and the children only. Keep the food for yourself and the children completely separate - buy a small new lockable fridge if need be - to hell with what visitors think.

He needs to cook for himself and clean up after himself. If he leaves the kitchen a mess, stop yourself from cleaning up after him (you said he came downstairs this morning ready to tackle the pile of washing up he'd left - let him tackle it!). If he can get his eating under control so he can fit into family life, then you can reassess. But for now, his food intake needs to be 100% over to him.

I'd have dumped long before marriage and kids. Don't make excuses for him, try to figure him out, food diaries, etc. He's an adult. He will NEVER change because he doesn't want to. You got the two kids. You do not need to move out. Apply to divorce him. Move into the other room. Buy a small fridge for it. Put a fucking lock on it. Buy a lockable container. Buy food for you and the kids. Cook for you and the kids. Apply for court order to sell the house. Move on.

This is totally over.

He's a fat, sexist, lazy slob. Stop doing FA for him.

Well, there's the possible issue of disordered eating, which may or may not require a bit of sensitivity. And then there's the issue of treating you like a servant and unpaid childminder. I'd would definitely blow my top at the latter.

I very rarely get enraged on a post, but your one has managed it!! I can hradly say how fuming i am on your behalf. The selfishness is mind blowing. As is the level of your patience to put up with it so far!!

I dont know a lot about eating disorders, but I thought people hid the evidence of their eating so as not to be judged. He on the other hand is just appears to be a greedy slob who couldnt care if you can see what he has chowed down.

That is disgusting, both his eating and his attitude towards you!
Could he be smoking cannabis on the sly and he’s having mega munchies?

This sounds a nightmare, thought my DP was bad enough but no way on your scale.

Don't think you have any choice but to get rid and let him eat himself to an early death. Can't believe how selfish his is and you have kids too.

I don't know what else you can do, he's been warned by doctors and doesn't give a fuck. You just can't help some people.

He is 16 stone, so not obese

Unless he's quite tall, that counts as obese in BMI, for instance at 5ft 10. My ex was that size and it definitely is not an ideal figure/is fairly overweight.

He must surely be at risk of becoming morbidly obese if he carries on like that- that'ss massive overeating for virtually anyone.

He should at least be the one doing the shopping trips, and put a lot of money into the shopping. Most people who are overweight don't realise how much they're eating.

I doubt he'll ever change. I couldn't be with someone who did so little with the children and house, I literally would prefer they weren't there at all if they weren't going to help. And as for how greedy he is.....
Your update suggests that you have had enough, now is not a good time to make plans to leave but you will when you can. Hopefully you'll find the situation more tolerable just knowing that one day he won't be your problem.

Generally I think it is best for people to minimise the number of trips to the shops. That is why my partner and I try to only do one trip to the shops a week - however, a weekly shop isn't possible for your household which is why I would forget the idea.
Unfortunately your DH can't have a well stocked house (because he eats it too quickly). I would accept that and only have enough food in the house for say - 2 days.
I can't think of another solution short of hiding food in the house.

Some people can't have one biscuit without having the whole packet.

OP, you have a third child, not a partner.

You earn more than him? Leave and be happy!

I would be buying a lockable box online and putting a small pack of your DS’s ham in it for his sandwiches, then putting it in the fridge.

This^

Maybe he's got a tapeworm? Kidding.

I might do that with leftovers as well, or withhold some of the meal before you serve it.

Don't buy junk if possible. Or conversely, make him go to the store and experience the anxiety and see the grocery bill up close and personal.

My brother was a slob. His roommates used to dump his mess in his bed. Does he have an office? Put the mess all over his desk. Extreme, I know, but after a few times, it worked...

Stop pleading. Act as far as you can.

kayakingmum is right - good point. Some people cannot control themselves, and having a whole week's worth of food on tap is too big a temptation.