I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

OP, not saying it’s your responsibility at all but have you thought about only buying a limited amount of food and snacks? If he eats it all, then he can organise an online shop or go to the shop.
Did he eat like that before lockdown too?

Sorry you are so upset, it’s a shit situation to be in. I’d be very clear that this behaviour is unacceptable, you have a family together and he needs to play his part. Starting today!!
I still don’t believe he suddenly has all this work.

Wow that’s a lot of food! I can see why your at the point of blowing your top but it’s not a good idea. A serious calm conversation is the better way.
The food and leaving a shit tip after himself is very irritating but I think n I’d be more bothered with the lack help with the children. They are his children too and despite having to work they don’t stop being his children.
I never expected my DH to do night feeds while he was working but I did expect him to do things when he got home. Help with dinner or bath and bed time.

He's always eaten like this. I also don't know how he is only 16 stone. But the fact that he has been given a warning about his blood sugar levels, and he still ignores it.

Our relationship is at breaking point, we have spent the majority of the lockdown clashing about food and his selfishness. I have told him twice that I want us to separate, only for him to act normal the next day and seem incredulous that I actually meant it?! It's going to explode again today

Agree with the others. Wake him up and go nuts.
I couldn’t live with that, I’d rather be single! Feel so sorry for you :(

I'm crying my eyes out, I'm so fed up with it. How can someone be so selfish and finish so much food when he knows I'm anxious about going out to supermarkets and spending unnecessary money. I plead with him about the health risks from his food choices and he just ignores it. How can he do that?

So he gets to stay home while you got out and shop and then he eats it all, including food for the kids.....so you have to go out more often.

Please tell me he at least has the kids while you shop?

It sounds like he is doing it to be a cunt. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you or the fact that you keep having to go out.

Its like he is doing it so you have to go out.

Its horrendous. I am not normally one to say ltb. But I couldn't live like this.

Oh OP I'm sorry. He's disgusting. I cannot abide greed and he is greedy to say the least. I couldn't put up with the utter selfishness. A whole packet of ham to himself, he's saying you and the DC don't matter.

Also , working every day all day , is he really? Or is is playing about on his phone, playing games, napping, anything other than pulling his ever rising weight.

You're getting zero from your marriage. I'd be questioning staying with gutsy.

Wow, you poor thing.
I have DS (3) and DD (10 months). That alone in lockdown is hectic enough as it is. Let alone the rest of the stuff you are dealing with.

You are not BU here. He's way overeating at the expense of his children.

You ideally need to get to the cause of his overeating. Has he always been like this? Or is it lockdown boredom?

A frank discussion is needed with him I think. He needs to understand he doesn't need all that good at night. It's taking food away from your DCs who do need it. He needs to address his overeating as I'd be very worried about the long term health implications of that.

Failing that I would sort out a compartment in the fridge/pantry/freezer for the children only. Buy 2 packs of ham/bread etc, one for him, one for them and you. Once his is gone it's gone and he needs to get his arse to the shops to get more if he wants it. He doesn't get to eat all the children's food.

Good luck and I hope it all gets sorted. Enjoy your coffee

Agree that the food consumption sounds completely unhealthy and abnormal. That is binge eating. He needs to see a counsellor.

I'd be angry at that too. I would ask him to go and make DCs ham wrap lunch, list a load of things for the side too, to make sure it's not just a single ham wrap. And when there's no ingredients fake no knowledge because they were there when you went to bed so must be. I'd also leave all the evidence out and close the kitchen door, he can clean that mess up himself.
But yes it does sound like an eating disorder. Stop sleeping in the spare room, he can put up with being woken up if you have to put up with waking up.
And in the middle of the day go out for your daily exercise on your own and leave him with the kids.

Maybe tell him that your meals don't fill him up enough to stop so much snacking so he's in charge of cooking enough in meals to stop the snacking.

He sounds like a selfish disgusting pig.

That is a revolting amount of food to consume.

How much shopping are you doing to keep up with that consumption.

OP, he's a lazy selfish pig.

Sincerely sorry for you to be living with someone so gross.

It sounds as if he has very little respect or regard for you.

I would want to wake him to clean up.

Stop shopping for food for him.
At least stop buying anything sweet or ham.
Feed yourself and your child.

He's gaslighting you by telling you that you are neurotic.

You most certainly are not.

He's a lazy selfish greedy pig.

Enjoy your coffee.
I remember living for my morning coffee when mine were small.

Still do👍
Mind yourself OP, you have your hands full.

He thinks you don't mean it, because you don't. Because you let it go back to normal.

Honetsly, I left a selfish dick of a husband with 2 young kids. Was the best decision I ever made. Was so much easier being a single parent that worked full time.

Life was so much better. It was that good, that even though dp lives here now....i sometimes miss those days and dp is generally great.

Your life shouldn't be like this.

Greedy sod, I would go nuts. I would also refuse to keep shopping and furling his gluttony. Just go at the frequency that is normal (once a week in this pandemic? Tops twice a week?). Buy less packet food and more ingredients that have to be cooked and stash stuff away (pasta/sauce) so that there is always something to feed the kids and yourself once he’s had a binge.

Buy 2 packs of ham/bread etc, one for him, one for them and you. Once his is gone it's gone and he needs to get his arse to the shops to get more if he wants it. He doesn't get to eat all the children's food.

I would usually say this is a good idea.

But this selfiah cunt will just eat the kids while they are all asleep.

Leaving a larger food bill.

Ffs why hasn’t he at least cleared up? He needs to at minimum do the food shopping and clear up his binges.

I think pp's have said it all. You've been a bloody saint but please don't let this slide, he's making you miserable in so many ways ! If he won't listen seriously to you, I'd be seriousky tempted to leave (or make him leave).

What a selfish bastard!

I’m thinking you need some padlocks and a storage box. Make it obvious that this is what needs to happen because he’s being selfish and you are only going to shop once a week. Leave him with a weeks worth of reasonable snacks and once his share has gone he will have to go shopping or go hungry. It might be an interesting experiment to see what he does when his supply runs out. Lock away what you need for the kids. Put a lock on the fridge. There has to be a way to do this. It’s not ideal but could be a solution to get you through lockdown until you can make plans to live separately from him if that’s what you want to do

You’ve had really good advice here but just to reiterate, I don’t think it’ll be the most effective way to resolve the issues (his disordered eating, not clearing up after himself, lack of support as a co-parent) if you explode at him first thing. Don’t clear up the mess, calmly ask him to do it before he starts work. Then I’d sit and write as balanced and non judgmental a letter as you can, describing what the problems are in a factual way, express how they make you feel and assert what you feel needs to change. Ask him to reserve a time to talk. I know this seems faffy but I imagine you don’t want him to just get defensive or shut down so you need him to be calm and able to focus on your clearly presented message. You poor thing.

Do you have family you could go and stay with for a few weeks? I’m thinking if you left him to it for a while then he’d have to shop/clean up after himself. Might make him realise?

That isn’t a usual / normal relationship to food. Has he always been like this or had it started recently?

It sounds as if he could be depressed or something: shutting himself away with his ‘work’ and slinking out to raid the fridge. He obviously isn’t sleeping well either (despite his ducking out of the night time care).

What was he like when your older child was born?

He needs to know you have had enough.

The food and the mess are two separate points IMHO.

The failure to clean up after himself shows a total contempt for you. Just no excuse for it whatsoever, particularly now.

The eating: wow. Don't know where to start with that. It does sound like a very unhealthy relationship with food. Even factoring in the comfort eating during lockdown etc. What was his response to what the doctor said?

I'd tackle the mess before you tackle the food tbh. What you don't want is to become a mother to a man who doesn't respect you AND has health issues due to problem eating. Life's too short.

For me the issue isn't how much food he's eating in and of itself, it's that :

• he's not considerate towards others' needs (not leaving ham for DS)

• he doesn't clean up after himself (bet he doesn't help out at all in the house)

• he doesn't do his share of childcare

Just because he's been like this for a while doesn't mean you have to accept it. Things need to change because you're not happy (how could you be ?!)

Don't let him tell you you're neurotic. Only one person has mental health issues in this relationship and it's not you.

There does seem to be a bingeing issue but it wouldn't be nearly so much of a dealbreaker if the above was properly addressed !

Ugh what a selfish bastard.

Its not even just about the food. It's the mess he's left for you to clean up and clearly hasn't given a shit....he has no respect for you at all.

Can you leave and go stay with parents?

If you can't leave, do not buy him food anymore. Or just refuse to go shopping from now on. Or just buy for you and kids and tell him to get his own food etc. Ugh just try and leave! Thats the best option

Also is he really working that hard when he's upstairs in the bedroom?

Also all of a sudden having to work on a Saturday too? I'm sorry but that's bollocks. He's doing that to get out of helping. Why are you putting up with this?

I would be angry too, but it does sound like your DH has some kind of eating disorder or mental health issue. As hard as it may be, a calm conversation where you both listen to the other is needed. As some others have said, perhaps a therapist - even Relate might help at this point, as an opener and then perhaps he might be willing to see someone to address his eating?