Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

329 replies

Namechanger20183110 · 07/05/2020 06:48

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee Sad

OP posts:
MeganBacon · 07/05/2020 11:28

It's food addiction and needs to be treated like any other addiction. He is putting his addiction ahead of his family. Needs proper treatment, but first he has to recognise it for what it is, which is the tricky part.

MeganBacon · 07/05/2020 11:29

Sorry didn't mean that to sound unsympathetic - it is terrible to play second fiddle to someone's addiction, no matter what it is, and I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether.

Sceptre86 · 07/05/2020 11:31

Can you involve his parents? Pitch it to them as being concerned for his welfare, maybe them having a word will have more of an effect than you?

Tbh I wouldn't have had a second child with a man who had no interest in parenting the first! What do you get out of this relationship because you don't sound happy or fulfilled? Why waste your life by making do? Longterm the kids won't thank you for it. As soon as lockdown is over I would change the locks and kick him out. The other option is to leave yourself. Even if he does change his weird eating habits it doesn't change the fact that he is a poor excuse for a father and husband. Hope you manage to find the strength to deal with this crappy situation.Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 07/05/2020 11:32

I'd take the children and move out to be honest. I know you said your parents are vulnerable but you can online shop and be careful not to put them at risk

Zomblie · 07/05/2020 11:33

Bloody hell, your food bill must be in the hundreds a week! Maybe sit him down with the bank statement and show him exactly how much his food habit is costing the family?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/05/2020 11:34

I agree with MaeDanvers' observation. He doesn't touch your children's snacks with are in an unlocked tupperware container. He has control.

He also came downstairs this morning with the intention of tidying up. That doesn't sound a 'fuck you, OP' to me.

That said, you're not happy in this relationship and perhaps it would help you to make some firm plans to end your marriage. He's not parenting (according to you) anyway so what do you have to lose?

I got to page 2 and couldn't bear anymore of the 'he's a greedy pig' posts from some absolutely food-obsessed posters. These threads ALWAYS reach hundreds of posts because mumsnet women (and it is always women) are so food-orientated. That and a love of controlling what other people eat - especially 'greedy husbands'. MNHQ could perhaps start a whole board called 'greedy husbands'; it would divert most of the traffic from AIBU.

Decide what you can live with OP and then talk to him about it, defining some plans in your head if not with him - and then act. It's your life, your marriage and you have agency to leave it if you want to.

REignbow · 07/05/2020 11:42

Why are you doing all the parenting...? Yes, he is working but he can still parent. The fact is he doesn’t want to, as you do it all. This needs to stop, as I’m sure he must take a break.

My DH, is working many many hours at home. However, on the weekend he stops working (as he knows home schooling my eldest IS very difficult).

Also, his very flippant response to leaving the mess for you to tidy (maid obviously) would give me the rage (he obviously found your anger amusing).

IMO, l just wouldn’t cook/clean or do any laundry for him. He makes his own meals (he does this anyway on top of what you make), so you don’t need to need to think about portions etc.

5lilducks · 07/05/2020 11:46

Sorry you are upset. I would be too. I think he needs medical help. Maybe he should see a gp about this. It's very unhealthy. Could be an eating disorder or he is depressed or both. I think you should be calm and try and work with him to sort himself out. I don't think blowing your top off will change him. It would only cause unpleasantness in the house for the two little ones - it's bad enough they are stuck at home due to lockdown, they don't really want to be witnessing unpleasantness in the house.

Marpan · 07/05/2020 11:47

Who cares if he is woken up, you are too and YOU are working all day too, as a childminder, cleaner & chef. That’s 3 active jobs. Not sitting around on a computer. Tell him to help. Don’t ask.

lowlandLucky · 07/05/2020 11:48

Send him to the supermarket, make him cook, in fact take the week off.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 07/05/2020 11:51

I think law firms are still working - if you can’t move out yet then spend some time finding a divorce lawyer you’re happy with and get things moving. He clearly thinks it’s a hollow threat so it’s going to have to be you who serves papers and ends this.

Pixieblu · 07/05/2020 11:52

Honestly you need to talk to him. It's not okay in any way, shape or form.

I couldn't cope with this. I doubt I would even be able to have a sensible conversation about this without losing my shit. I would be tempted to just wake up and pack my things and my children and leave without a word, but I'm petty as fuck, that would be unreasonable and we are in the middle of a pandemic.

You need to talk to him OP and make him see this is not okay behaviour.

mummmy2017 · 07/05/2020 11:55

Does he react to being shown things.
I was thinking ask him to keep a food journal.
Tell him to write everything down.
Add calories to it, so he can see what he is eatting

Pixieblu · 07/05/2020 12:00

Just read your updates OP, I would leave and not even think twice about it. Of course he is happy you are doing everything. He's a CF to boot

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 07/05/2020 12:00

GarlicMonkey thank you for the tips, I feel very sad about the behaviour of one of my DS this lockdown (only 14 but he’s 6 feet 4, thin as a rake but has form for making himself a 6 egg omelette or using a whole loaf of bread and generally being thoughtless around food) - those tips are helpful.

HyggeTygge · 07/05/2020 12:10

I was thinking ask him to keep a food journal.
Tell him to write everything down.
Add calories to it, so he can see what he is eatting

Ha in what universe is this actually going to happen?

Funnyface1 · 07/05/2020 12:10

Well this has been an awful read. You really do deserve better than this op. It sounds like it will only get worse and you are already living like a single parent. He's just a drain on your emotions and resources.

I would definitely start looking at your options and I wouldn't go out of my way to make it easy on him. His selfishness is clear and his response about not moving out because he's all right tells you everything you need to know. He literally doesn't care.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2020 12:16

@ponoko7 hmm. Sadly you're right :( the best I can offer is that OP takes herself out for the day, leaving him with the kids, but that of course isn't really an option right now...

Micsam89 · 07/05/2020 12:19

He needs to pull his weight in regards to household chores and childcare.

The things I thought of/stood out to me reading about his eating:

I knew someone with Prader Willi Syndrome - but they were extreme obese and literally ate themselves to death.

I am a binge eater, and his habits sound similar to me, although his is on a much larger scale. This is emotional and/or psychological. I binge and overeat now because of my dad eating so much when I was a kid. If I didn't scoff my food then or squirrel it away, i would've starved. Your DH behaviour may have long lasting effects because of this too.

TerrorWig · 07/05/2020 12:23

Honestly I would bin bag his mess up with his clothes and any other shit specifically ‘his’, put it in his car (if you both have one) wake him and tell him he has to move to his mum’s or something.

If he refuses, then he can sort out all his shit and recognise that you do this every single fucking day because he’s too useless to do anything himself.

(I can see I’m too late, but if it happens again I would do this. Or, wake him when you wake to clean up. Wake him to go out and replace the food he’s binged on. Absolute selfish cunt.)

Scratch that. Just prepare for divorce. Have his papers delivered to the house, start talking to estate agents.

TerrorWig · 07/05/2020 12:23

In case my rant isn’t clear, I am raging on your behalf OP.

unlikelytobe · 07/05/2020 12:27

Well, you know him better than any of us - do you think there's anything left worth saving in this relationship? When he says you can leave does he mean it or is he calling your bluff? He doesn't expect you to do anything about it so it's time to up the anti. Pack some bags - yours or his, you decide. Maybe he/you won't go yet but be ready.

rosiepony · 07/05/2020 12:30

He’s bulimic.

There’s no way a human body can contain that much food and the only person I’ve known eat like that was puking.

It’s gross but he’s ill.

PhilSwagielka · 07/05/2020 12:31

No, there's liking food a lot and then there's this. He sounds like he's got some kind of binge eating disorder.

Wannabegreenfingers · 07/05/2020 12:37

If he continues this way, you won't need to worry about leaving as he will be dead. Get your ducks in a row whilst you don't want to go anywhere and when movement is lifted make your move.

My stbexh wasn't greedy, but carried non of the mental load and had to be told to help around the house. Its exhausting and doesn't get better. Turns out he didn't respect me and no amount of asking or pleading will change this.

I would keep a food diary on his behalf and show it to him after a week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread