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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

329 replies

Namechanger20183110 · 07/05/2020 06:48

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee Sad

OP posts:
VisionQuest · 07/05/2020 10:11

He's a selfish, lazy, gluttonous pig.

No, I could not stay with someone like this.

Bflatmajorsharp · 07/05/2020 10:19

Leaving the food aside, it's absolutely unacceptable that you are doing all the childcare, food shopping, food prep and housework.

Even if he is working all the time he's at his computer (very unlikely), so are you.

It sounds really difficult OP, and I think you've been most restrained with blowing your top - mine would have gone weeks ago.

madcatladyforever · 07/05/2020 10:20

madcatladyforever - really? Who do you think that will help exactly?

What would you do - allow yourself to be driven to madness with exhaustion because this lazy pig won't do anything and leaves them in debt because he is eating everything?
It might wake him up to the fact that he is destroying his marriage with his behaviour.
Perhaps OP should personally take control of every aspect of his life and "manage him" because clearly she doesn't have enough to do already!!
What wold you do? Just sit there and put up with it.
I'd be off.

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2020 10:21

Regardless of how much( he's working he should be helping with the kids. Has he always eaten like this ?

LouiseTrees · 07/05/2020 10:23

Haven’t read the whole thread but would it change if he was the one that had to go to the supermarket? You should say he is to do the shopping from now on and any washing up from his persistent eating.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 07/05/2020 10:27

Cut this selfish pig loose.
The fact that he’s happy and your unhappiness doesn’t even register means that this is absolutely dead in the water.
And I am gobsmacked at the posters suggesting she doesn’t buy nice food she wants, or locks on the cupboards! Why in the hell is the onus on her to stop his appalling behaviour?

darrenlacey · 07/05/2020 10:29

Food consumption like that is unacceptable in my book, but It's a serious addiction and he is unlikely to change. Can you live with this disgusting and selfish behaviour? If not, consider ending the relationship.

The mess and lack of help with kids also unacceptable.

He is selfish and lazy and an addict.

I would not continue a relationship with someone like this.

LouiseTrees · 07/05/2020 10:30

Just read your latest update. So sorry for you OP but I think you tell him you’ll not move out. A solicitor will easily get you the house if it’s in both names and lawyers are working from home. There are online classes for pre-diabetes but I doubt he’ll go to them.

LouHotel · 07/05/2020 10:32

OP as your basically a single parent with a cocklodger I would start distancing yourself now.

Stop doing his laundry
Stop cooking for him (he clearly knows how to use the kitchen)
Take the kids into him on the weekend and go back to bed or go for a walk
Stop buying things he likes at the shop he can go out and get his own.
Get a lock for one kitchen cupboard for kids snacks etc..
If he loves his crap all around the house, put it in a bin bag for him to sort out but his side of the bed.
When he asks you what is going in the new act just keep replying that he can check on the news websites for himself.

He'll undoubtedly continue leaving the kitchen shit high which unfortunately you cant do anything about as you have kids to cook for.

darrenlacey · 07/05/2020 10:34

Sorry just seen your update. Yes do leave him! See a solicitor ASAP.

madcatladyforever · 07/05/2020 10:34

Seriously Inpeace, give your head a wobble!!
You think OP should take responsibility for him when she already takes responsibility for everything else including the kids and she is shattered.
I repeat he is a fat lazy slob who will not take any responsibility for himself.
I used to be 22 stone stone and a diabetic and couldn't even get up the stairs I was so fat. I'd be gasping and wheezing and I smoked 20 a day as well. I was just about to go on insulin when I thought fuck this I need to do something or I will die.
I've lost 10 stone, I haven't smoked in 15 years, I can easily walk 20 miles up and down hills and the last three stone is coming off fast.
NOBODY could have done this for me, I did it for myself. It is NOT the OP's responsibility to nanny him when she already has so much on.
If he doesn't sort himself out or get a short sharp shock he will be yet another big child for OP to look after.
He will have a stroke or heart attack and end up in a wheelchair.
We are all responsible for our own health, you simply cannot hand the responsibility for that over to someone else especially when that someone else is at their wits end and is exhausted and crying out for help.
At least when I was enormous I only had myself to look after. I'd have been mortified if my partner had been left with everything to do because I could barely waddle down the hallway.

pictish · 07/05/2020 10:38

madcatlady what you’re suggesting is verbal and emotional abuse.

OpenWheelRace · 07/05/2020 10:38

Leave him.
The relationship is dead and it doesn't sound like it can't be revived. (His fault)

Leave, enjoy your children (and your ham) in peace. With maintenance visits he'll end up giving you more time to yourself anyway

Sarah510 · 07/05/2020 10:38

I'm so sorry OP. I had an ex like that who said 'you move out as I'm not going anywhere'. We were renting so in the end I did move out which was traumatic, and incredibly annoying as after a few months he moved out and back in with his mother. It worked out in the end though for me. It's so hurtful you must be hurting now. Try and mind yourself. I'd definitely go on strike. No more washing his clothes, and if I were you I'd just eat with the children. Locked box of food and in the fridge too. He will either dig his heels in, or will try and make amends. If he doesn't, I'm afraid he is a lost cause, and nothing you do will make him change. So it's time to look out for you and the kids. You've got a big decision to make. If you own the house I'd consult a solicitor. Try and get things in motion before it's time to go back to work. Apart from the eating he sounds very like my ex. I don't know what happens. A switch goes off in their brain and they just couldn't give a fuck any more, but instead of facing the problem, they just wait and wait and wait until you're at your wits end and 'take action'. Then they blame you for everything. It's classic passive aggressive stuff. Horrible. So sorry you're going through it. Try and look after yourself. Take long baths. Go for walks alone listening to podcasts. Cuddle your babies. Hugsxxxxxxx

VisionQuest · 07/05/2020 10:39

Oh I've also just read your latest update! He sounds insufferable on so many levels.

I assume the house is in both your names?

pictish · 07/05/2020 10:44

Clearly fuelled by projection. No offence madcatlady but I’m not sure if you’re well placed to advise anyone here. I don’t think you’ve come to terms with your weight related issues yet.
I say this as someone who has also successfully changed my lifestyle, lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off.
Telling the OP to verbally abuse her husband in order to shame him into shape is about the worst strategy I can imagine.

Silentplikebath · 07/05/2020 10:52

After your update, I suggest you start emailing solicitors about divorce. You don’t need to wait until lockdown is over to start the process.

PurpleChevron · 07/05/2020 10:59

OP I am working from home. I am busy with work. I am also a single parent. He can help you with the housework and the kids. I think he is being lazy!
I would tell him that you are exhausted and if he doesn't pull his weight he is going to have take time off from work to look after the kids full time so you can convalesce. I bet you he will help then.

Silentplikebath · 07/05/2020 11:01

He is literally taking food from your son when he eats all the ham. He’s absolute scum to leave nothing for a child’s lunch.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 07/05/2020 11:08

How on earth is he able to sleep on that much food? I would casually place all of the bowls, rubbish etc on the bedside table or on the bed whilst he sleeps. He has to deal with it when he wakes if he is working in the bedroom.

Megatron · 07/05/2020 11:11

That's not normal. Any of it.

Are you sure he's actually working at the weekends and not just hiding away browing the internet on his laptop?

While I think he's being an arsehole, I also think he sounds like he has an eating disorder and probably has done for years.

SweatyAmy · 07/05/2020 11:14

He's lazy, greedy and selfish. Honestly OP I would leave him asap. He clearly has no respect for you and your DC and you deserve so much better, as do they. You're already doing all the work of two parents, but at least you'll be saving on food, and you won't be clearing up his mess!

It sounds like the DC are young - get them away from him before they start to think eating such a revolting amount of food is normal.

You are allowed to leave a relationship during lockdown, so you could go to your parents or a friend if they'll have you.

LannieDuck · 07/05/2020 11:16

prior to DS2 being born, I used to do pretty much everything for DS1 with a full time corporate job a lot more busier than his

You've been under-reacting for years. You both work FT (?), and you work more than him. So why is he not doing 50% of the childcare and housework at the very minimum?

When you ask him, what does he say? Is it because he has a penis, so chores are your job? Or does he admit he's just plain lazy?

I agree with other PPs there may be something medical going on. Suggest he makes an appointment with his GP.

And in the meantime, call your lawyer to start divorce proceedings and get advice on the house.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 07/05/2020 11:16

That isn't normal.

Is he actually digesting it and not throwing up ?? Because if he's putting that much food away he'd be a hell of a lot more than 16 stone.........yes, I'd be angry (( my own dp woke up to the scrambled egg pan we've been having a Mexican standoff over in bed with him the other day )) but I also think he needs to seek professional help.

Pinkyyy · 07/05/2020 11:25

In all honesty you're practically a single parent to your children already. If he doesn't want to change then he needs to go.

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