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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:
BagForLife9 · 06/05/2020 15:56

If somebody asked me to stop my autistic child from doing something they enjoy I’d be absolutely fuming!

Our garden borders with 3 other gardens and each of those gardens have young children playing, screaming, yelling at each other etc. Every time I’ve been out in my garden during lockdown it’s been noisy, not once have I thought about telling my neighbours to keep their kids inside, they have as much right to use their gardens as I do.
Although a peaceful garden is nice, it isn’t a human right.

Yes I understand the noise is annoying but it’s not intentional, it’s not anti social behaviour and it’s not illegal.

Have you considered moving to a house with no neighbours OP?

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:56

No Honeybee85 it's you that really doesn't get it.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:58

@spikeyball

Might be. Thankfully I am entitled to have my opinion and if it happens to be different then yours and you don't like it, not my problem.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:59

Maybe you'll understand one day.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 15:59

Possibly you and I have had a different sort of upbringing. It's not about apologizing for a disability ffs. It's about letting the people who are affected by the noise know that you're aware of the inconvenience and you appreciate their understanding. I am not going to engage any further with you because obviously you and I have a very different mindset and you see this from a very black and white view. Good luck with that in real life!

I read that as "I don't like the things you said about me expecting disabled people to apologise for existing so I'm just going to not talk to you anymore".

Do what you like, no need to justify it to me.

Every time I’ve been out in my garden during lockdown it’s been noisy, not once have I thought about telling my neighbours to keep their kids inside, they have as much right to use their gardens as I do.

Same here, most of the gardens here have children playing in them and no one has felt the need to complain to anyone else about it.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 16:00

I hope not @Spikeyball because it would mean I am like you...no thanks.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 16:01

Thankfully I am entitled to have my opinion and if it happens to be different then yours and you don't like it, not my problem.

Equally, don't expect your opinion to go unchallenged when it exhibits unreasonable comments about people with disabilities.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 16:02

because it would mean I am like you...no thanks.

Understanding of people with disabilities and the challenges they face? Wow. What a terrible person to be.

I8toys · 06/05/2020 16:03

YANBU - you sound like a caring and thoughtful person but should also allowed to be able to use your garden without constant screaming. Your solution sounds very reasonable.

Lou1isa · 06/05/2020 16:13

The parents putting him outside to scream in the garden from sun up to sun down is taking the piss, autism or no autism.
I’d have a word and ask for peace after 7pm at the very least. Ffs there’s some entitled arseholes around.

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 16:16

Perhaps being in the garden is the only thing he enjoys?
Perhaps he’s safe in the garden and his parents are working/cleaning/sleeping in shifts inside because he’s up all night?
Perhaps he’s trying to talk to the neighbours?
Perhaps he just does make noise all the time, like you breath all the time?

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 16:18

I'm not expecting an apology, sorry if I have come across in any of my posts like I am.

Yes, I've spoken to him - he's not little by any means. He's fascinated with our car which unfortunately is with my partner at the moment. We have met a few times before lockdown, my partner knows him better. He's only seen the kids a handful of times and he hasn't really met the dog because the dog naturally runs when he screams.

I just want us to be able to use our garden for a couple of hours a day without feeling like we are making it worse for our neighbours. Also, my partner's kids do not fully understand the situation, particularly the youngest who thinks they are being shouted at.

We've done our baking now so I am going to take the kids out and see if his mum will come out for a chat - she is usually inside with the door closed, but she does come out to give him his tea around five so hopefully I will bump into her rather than putting the note through the door.

I do really need it to be a bit quieter in the evenings from 7 though for bed time - we've done all we can on that by swapping the rooms around but it's hard to get children to wind down when there's screaming 50ft away from them.

Thanks for the fence advice - I am going to ask my partner to get in touch with the company and see if it can be done sooner rather than later. I thought everyone was on lockdown for non-essential construction.

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 16:18

I agree about the arseholes but probably would characterise different posters as the sphincters.Smile

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 16:20

"I hope not @Spikeyball because it would mean I am like you...no thanks."

I think my son is glad that I am like this.

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 16:21

Sorry, we have spoken to him in the garden as well - it definitely seemt to make it worse which is what I don't want.

OP posts:
Brogley · 06/05/2020 16:21

I'm not expecting an apology, sorry if I have come across in any of my posts like I am.

You haven't OP, but some posters seem to think this mother should be apologising for her child's existence.

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 16:24

@Brogley Absolutely not what I ever wanted from this post.

I just want to work out away where we can be in the garden for a couple of hours, and have some quieter time in the evening, and he will be ok and not distressed by our presence when we are out there. I've had good advice here so I am going to take a mixture of that and try.

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 16:26

@MonkeyJunk it’s perfectly possible he’s just freaked out because you aren’t the previous owners. Make friends with him, you might be surprised at how lovely he is. Does he have toys to play with?

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 16:29

@Itisbetter I am going to try hard, I have the time now to do so.

No, no toys that I have seen. He rakes the lawn a lot and sometimes has a laptop outside with him.

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 06/05/2020 16:31

OP it's perfectly reasonable for you to open up a dialogue with your neighbours to see if a solution or compromise is possible. Just be aware that they may not have any solutions /may be at their wits end anyway.

With regards to pp, not all children with SN have school places available. Some schools are just shut and some can only offer alternatives that are not suitable. Some parents have been left with very little support for children with very complex needs.

It being possible for child A to do x does not mean child B can do x also. Even if they have a similar diagnosis.

Children with SN particularly autism will find the change in routine difficult and some extremely so. Many will not be able to control how they react to it. It's not about them learning to behave differently.

I can always rely on mumsnet to remind me how ableist some people can be judging by the replies on this (and similar) threads.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2020 16:57

Bagforlife
I understand why you may be upset by some of the very unkind comment. This is not what op is asking at all. This is about seeing the needs of everyone. Ops children sound too young to understand and are frightened therefore their sensitivities also need to be considered. They’ll understand in perhaps time 5 years time, have some empathy after a few more. An autistic child doesn’t get a complete pass to scare little kids anymore than ops little kids would get a free pass to upset him. For if op let her dog bark or children scream in the garden, it is very likely they would scare him. You can tell both till you’re blue it the face that neither poses a threat but they won’t listen, which is where adults can step in and meet everyone’s needs.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 16:57

To add to what @soapboxqueen has said about schools, even for the children with a EHC plan who do have a place at school this does not necessarily mean school is the best place for them to be right now. School is a place of routine, familiar faces, structure, and the layout/decor rarely changes. This is what helps a lot of people with neurolodevelopment conditions like autism to mask so well at school (nb: masking does not equal coping).

School right now does not have the same structure and routine. The staff are greatly reduced as are pupil numbers and if the school is a local area hub there will be unfamiliar staff and pupils too. Depending in numbers they will be confined to one or two classrooms. The normal timetable and usual lessons are not running. School is not currently the structured, routine-driven place it normally is and this is hard enough for a NT child, for a neurodivergent child it would be beyond bewildering and for many would make their anxiety (and associated behaviours) worse not better.

amber763 · 06/05/2020 17:01

Some of you are being ridiculous now.

The OP in NO way shape or form suggested she expected any kind of apology. She wants to work with her neighbour so that they can both enjoy their own property.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 17:07

No one has said OP is asking for or expecting an apology. Other posters have suggested that this other mother should apologise which is what the comments about apologies are relating to.

Lifejacket · 06/05/2020 17:07

I am absolutely disgusted bu some of the attitudes on this thread. Some of you are just arses. He is entitled to make any noise which is in relation to his disability in his own garden, if the mother chooses to work with the OP that is her choice.

We live in the 21st century we have come a long way from locking people in asylums because they have autism. Anyone that doesn't like it better get used to being around them more or better go and lock yourselves away.... this is msinlgaimed at the posters who referred to the boys not being "normal" and said he shouldn't be there

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