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AIBU?

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:
Gimmecaffeine · 07/05/2020 09:48

Let's imagine for a moment that instead of an autistic child it was a young adult with Tourette's shouting obscenities 12 hours a day in the garden. Would the OP have to suck it up?

The thing that made the OP understandable was that she felt her presence caused distress. It's clear you are just objecting to the noises made by people with a disability. Your question is ridiculous - Can you imagine asking an adult with Tourette's who is a keen gardener to use their garden for limited hours? They might agree, they might not, but the law would be on their side.

Don’t know why you find the idea of cycling or scooting so unreasonable, autism is a spectrum

It does sound like this chap is likely to be on the severe end of this spectrum though, doesn't it? I can't think of a person with severe ASD that I have met personally or professionally that can cycle or scoot, this doesn't mean that none will be able to, but it's not workable as a suggestion of a way to occupy an average young person with severe ASD.

Some children might like to bounce or throw, but do you really think if this child did the parents would just opt not to provide these things? Many people with severe ASD would not be able to access ball games or understand/sit through a show about dogs. It can be bloody hard to engage them in an any structured activity sometimes. It's not just a matter of trying very hard.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 07/05/2020 10:00

It’s really difficult to make a decision about the parenting and what they are doing/trying to do, when the only information we have is that the child is left unattended in the garden all day.

makingmammaries · 07/05/2020 10:05

well if “suck it up” means people with Tourette’s are allowed to be in their gardens for as long as they like, then YES, obviously.

actually not, if they are shouting obscenities. That's the point. Behaviour that disturbs others is tolerated up to a certain level. Yes, you can HAVE a disability and spend the whole day in the garden. But not if you are constantly behaving in an obviously disruptive way.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/05/2020 10:08

I would approach with extreme kindness and empathy
Read some of the threads in Sn and acknowledge her issues but also ask for some
Compassion for your own needs
It’s bloody hard Flowers

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:13

Can you imagine asking an adult with Tourette's who is a keen gardener to use their garden for limited hours? They might agree, they might not, but the law would be on their side.

But this may mean that other people can't let their children in the garden at all while they are using it due to not wanting their kids hearing swear words or inappropriate stuff. That's hardly fair on anyone. The person with Tourettes should be able to have time in their garden, but so should the neighbours without hearing obscene language.

IhateBoswell · 07/05/2020 10:16

You've actually come across really well MonkeyJunk.
Thanks for showing some understanding Flowers

Gimmecaffeine · 07/05/2020 10:17

actually not, if they are shouting obscenities. That's the point. Behaviour that disturbs others is tolerated up to a certain level. Yes, you can HAVE a disability and spend the whole day in the garden. But not if you are constantly behaving in an obviously disruptive way.

Nope. Someone with Tourette's is absolutely allowed to enjoy their garden, regardless of the form of their tics. It is an aspect of their TS that they cannot control.

Imagine the dispute - my neighbour with TS is acting like they have TS, in their own garden!

Spikeyball · 07/05/2020 10:28

"I said I would mirror what he likes to do in the garden but in the house eg- he likes to bounce, I’d buy a trampette, he likes to throw, id make a safe area and fill it with sensory balls, he likes watch the neighbours dog- I’d put a show about dogs on."

It could be that it hasn't occurred to the parents to do those things or it could be that those things won't work because moving activities like that doesn't work with some severely autistic people and can lead to self injurious and physical distressed ( 'violent') behaviour.

Even amongst those who can scoot or cycle they may not be able to do it because they cannot go where they would normally do it or the streets are too busy or look different ( the rainbows and VE decorations will be causing issues for some) or the atmosphere feels different.

It's complicated and difficult to understand unless you live with it all the time where the complications are normal business.

To the poster who said it painted a bleak picture - life is bleak for some families at the moment and in them there will relief if a child or adult is only stimming all day and not hurting themselves or anyone else.

BagForLife9 · 07/05/2020 10:29

Yes, you can HAVE a disability and spend the whole day in the garden. But not if you are constantly behaving in an obviously disruptive way.

Says who?
It might be something you and others consider to be fair but nobody would be able to enforce that rule as it would be seen as disability discrimination.

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:30

What if it was your child and they developed Tourette’s (verbal tics)? Would it be ok for your neighbour to ask you to keep them inside when the neighbours wanted to use the garden?

Yes.

x2boys · 07/05/2020 10:31

Christ 15 pages of this shit always the same building ignorant bull Shi t that gets spouted on these types of threads ,FWIW most parents of children with autism and or learning disabilities are ultra sensitive to the needs of others, none of us that I know would just think fuck it my neighbours my neighbours will just have to put up with screaming all day I think we would all try to come to some compromise.

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:32

imagine the dispute - my neighbour with TS is acting like they have TS, in their own garden!

If someone without TS was swearing in the garden, I would ask them to stop and keep my kids inside until they did. If someone has TS and is an avid gardener, then I will barely be able to let my kids out at all. Just bevause the swearing comes from someone who cannot help it doesn't mean kids should be hearing it.

Spikeyball · 07/05/2020 10:36

Why can't you explain to the kids that someone has a condition where they can't help saying certain words. Surely it is a good idea to try to educate them about it.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 07/05/2020 10:37

x2boys
But that’s exactly where the argument has been.
There are two or three posters who are saying exactly the opposite of you.
That there should be no compromise and that a sen child/family of a child with SEN should never have to change anything they want to do because the comfort or sanity of an NT person Is entirely irrelevant and unimportant.

Boulshired · 07/05/2020 10:38

Have to say the ignorance around Tourette’s is as similar to Autism. If it was as simple as to ask them to stop.

papiermaches · 07/05/2020 10:39

I would use the garden, and explain to your kids that he can't help making noise. If your being there is an issue then the perhaps next door will bring their son in for a bit or take him out for a few hours somewhere. That way you all get some outdoor time.

Gimmecaffeine · 07/05/2020 10:39

Just bevause the swearing comes from someone who cannot help it doesn't mean kids should be hearing it.

I understand why you'd feel that way, but people with TS are protected by the Disability Act. You can ask, but they are quite free to say no. Some people with TS can surpress their tics briefly, some just can't at all or find surpression makes it much worse.

IhateBoswell · 07/05/2020 10:40

Agreed x2boys. I tell myself every time to stay off these threads because they always go the same way. I can't even be bothered arguing any more.

Onthebrink87 · 07/05/2020 10:42

I think you sound like a wonderful and understanding person. It's perfectly ok to be understanding of the situation whilst still being inconvenienced.

I think I would try and chat with the neighbour, explain you have empathy and can't imagine how difficult things will be for her at the moment. Ask about the breaks in the day so you can have some peace in the garden, but also if you're able to so so, offer her help she might need? An occasional nip to the shop for her etc. This might reduce any defensive behavior, and I think give and take compromise is the best starting point?

And whoever suggested hosing down an autistic child... I hope you have the day you deserve.

CherryStoneTree · 07/05/2020 10:43

OP I just wanted to say you sound a really lovely and considerate neighbour, and I hope you get a few hours a day to enjoy your garden.

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:43

If it was as simple as to ask them to stop.

I know they cannot stop it. But it would mean my kids have to listen to it any time they are in the garden at the same time. I'd just end up resenting the neighbour. There should be time they can be in the garden, and time we can be in the garden without having to listen to swearing. Surely someone with TS would be aware that some of their tics are highly offensive so coming up with a compromise shouldn't be too hard

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:45

You canask, but they are quite free to say no.

Well yes, but if they no they just look like obstinate and selfish, if they know they behaviour is preventing others enjoying time in the garden. BOTH parties deserve to enjoy time in the garden.

Spikeyball · 07/05/2020 10:45

It is so difficult being a family with only NT people in it and the whole world set up for your needs.

DamnitDoreen · 07/05/2020 10:47

One of my sons is autistic, I said that many posts ago. Also his cousin, although his cousin never verbally stimmed.

Gimmecaffeine · 07/05/2020 10:50

Surely someone with TS would be aware that some of their tics are highly offensive so coming up with a compromise shouldn't be too hard

This is so different from the OP. This ficticious TS neighbour can't help it and they wre protected by law. Just be a grown up and show your kids how to respond to people with disabilities.

That there should be no compromise and that a sen child/family of a child with SEN should never have to change anything they want to do because the comfort or sanity of an NT person Is entirely irrelevant and unimportant.

If it's easily changed and compromised, sure. It probably isn't though, is it?

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