Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

Someone with severe, low-functioning autism often has just their old mum who loves or deals with them, can't go anywhere, can't work, can't marry or have sex or have a friend, can't speak much or at all, can't look after themselves or their money, can't do fuck all. But if they ever venture into a neighbour's sight line, or sit in their old mum's car in the furthest away carpark at the supermarket making funny noises or waving their hands, the looks and COMMENTS that wonderful NT people see fit to give and make!

God forbid a NT person ever be inconvenienced, or have their perfect NT fairyland ever sullied by a brief encounter with someone whose life is so severely blighted.

Abase yourselves, parents and sisters of autists. Grovel. Apologise to the gracious NT deities who allow our family members to share this earth with them- provided they shut the fuck up and stay out of sight.

I think you are showing a lot of sensitivity and thought and I'd be glad to be your neighour.

@Boulshired I am sorry things are so difficult for you, please find some time to take some good care of yourself if you can.

@Mummyoflittledragon

so, to be clear, the distress of your neighbours is more significant to you than your DC?

@bloodyhellsbellsx

Your DC can't ride a bike. In the house they are more distressed than in the garden and they keep trying to go there. They can't engage in any structured activities.

You do sound nice op, but I am autistic adult and my own vocal stimming (I do not scream, it more weird loud grunting sometimes squealing sort of noises)has gone through the roof since lockdown. Interesting that a pp earlier in saying it stress related?
Also mine I been thinking is because j am not used to spending so much time alone.
It is really rubbish. I spend as much time out and about walking as I can (3hour walk after work in the evenings) and this seems to help a bit and I not doing hardly any stimming in bed now.
I would not know what to say if someone picked me up on whilst out walking though I hate that thought.
I really lucky that there only me And one guy at work as everyone else working from home, and he has not said anything (I did confide my issues with him because it was becoming apparent in lockdown and he is stuck with me but we get on well)
I should be getting some sort of addional help with this later this year. I am awaiting various assessments for help etc.
But there is nothing I can do at the moment to help it (other than wear myself out walking)
I hate this. I miss all my friends and family. It so hard for everyone
But thought you would maybe like to hear from an adult (allegedly, I not feel like it right now!) who is having a similar problem from the other side.
Luckily my neighbours have said they do not hear me. I did check when I was having screaming meltdowns occasionally and they said they do not hear. I am so relieved at that I cannot say. They are really nice to me though

That's not aimed at you, OP, but some of the horrifically disablist ignoramuses on this thread.

@Boulshired

Sorry you are having such a tough time, please try and be kind to yourself.

Our son’s world has just shrunk so much it is really tough. He usually swims 3x a week, trampolines once a week, horse rides once a week and we get him out in his walker everyday. He is shielded so is now not able to leave the house. He has a hearing and visual impairment, doesn’t know how to play with toys, read books, colour, eat or anything else that another child of his age would do. His quality of life is through the floor and, of course, behaviour is through the roof.

I don’t think anybody not living it can really ‘get it’ and of course everyone’s circumstances are different too.

Try not to care too much about what others think, do what you think is right for your child.

@PinkBuffalo Thank you very much for sharing your side of the story, I really do appreciate it. My biggest concern from the garden side of things is to not cause further distress.

The bedtime thing is a little different for reasons. I've just ordered three pairs of non-wired headphones that are noise cancelling to try and deal with that for now.

ddemelza
But none of what you said is the same as a child shouting for 14 hours straight in his garden when his neighbour cannot leave the house.

monkeyjunk
Your neighbours are incredibly lucky to have you.

Abase yourselves, parents and sisters of autists. Grovel. Apologise to the gracious NT deities who allow our family members to share this earth with them- provided they shut the fuck up and stay out of sight.
This is very much how it feels sometimes.

ddemelza
Sorry, I should have prefaced my comment with ‘that must be horrible for you’
I know some people on this thread think I am both disablist and ignorant but I genuinely feel for you if people treat your son so poorly when he is out and about.

@Gimmecaffeine okay, well scoot or if they’re little get a bike seat. Any method to get them out and about. And in terms of the house I would have to find ways to distract them, mirror what activity they do in the garden but in the house. Of course they’d have playtime in the garden too but not all day every day because it’s not fair.

But this is hypothetical of course and not helping the OP, we don’t know how severely effected the boy is and how much time and attention the parents actually give to him.

Abase yourselves, parents and sisters of autists. Grovel. Apologise to the gracious NT deities who allow our family members to share this earth with them- provided they shut the fuck up and stay out of sight.

Well we mustn't upset the "normies", must we?

Why is it ok for any parent to leave any child outside all day alone?

okay, well scoot or if they’re little get a bike seat.

I’m sorry but that is VERY funny. Do you REALLY imagine it’s that easy?

Oh sorry does my answer not suit your made up child?! I never said it was easy I’m trying to say there are other options to dumping the kid in the garden all day!

@bloodyhellsbellsx

Many severely autistic children might not be able to scoot. They may not be doing any activity in the garden, it could just be they feel the need to be outside.

My autistic (now adult) DB would seem to see patterns in things outside that we couldn't. He couldn't engage in any structured activity and for phases would insist on being outside.

But this is hypothetical of course and not helping the OP, we don’t know how severely effected the boy is and how much time and attention the parents actually give to him.

The OP doesn't seem to need further help, but there is a group in here who disagree that some people with ASD need a different rulebook to the NTs.

Oh sorry does my answer not suit your made up child?! I never said it was easy I’m trying to say there are other options to dumping the kid in the garden all day!

You are assuming it's dumping. It is just as likely the boy is wanting to spend the time outside.

My 15 year still can't ride a bike or scoot and I would only have put him on the back of a bike if I had a death wish.

The top and bottom of it is no child whether they’re SEN SN or NT should be left in the garden all day causing upset to neighbours. It’s selfish and entitled behaviour, a comprise needs to be made where everyone gets some respite.

The top and bottom of it is no child whether they’re SEN SN or NT should be left in the garden all day causing upset to neighbours. It’s selfish and entitled behaviour, a comprise needs to be made where everyone gets some respite.

You have not been able to say how you personally would intervene, other than list things this child is unlikely to be able to access.

And the mother is selfish and entitled? Wow.

I would imagine his Mum is watching from the house. It sounds like he’s sitting with his laptop in the garden or tidying with a rake or chilling. Perhaps Dads working in the bedroom and Mums doing it from the kitchen while keeping an eye on him?

Why would you assume he’s being neglected?

Leaving any child alone for long period of time is neglectful. Especially if they’re distressed.

Unless a child is NT and a teen, parents need to interact with their children. Of course children can be left to play on their own, but that doesn’t sound like what the OP is describing.