Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

You can get acoustic sound reducing fence panels, they are more expensive but will make your garden quieter and might be a good investment.
www.wickes.co.uk/Forest-Garden-Pressure-Treated-Acoustic-Fence-Panel---6x6ft-Multi-Packs/p/9000160449

www.halessawmills.co.uk/acoustic-panels

Some posters appear to be high jacking this post and accusing any one who doesn’t agree with them as disablist 🙄Regardless of whether a child has SEN or not it is selfish and inappropriate for them to be screaming in the garden from dusk til dawn when it is affecting other peoples lives

Well said. Some seem absolutely determined to deny this.

brogley and just to add this is not the same as a child stimming in a park, a restaurant or even in normal times.
The OP cannot just leave her house to escape the noise.

I just fundamentally disagree with the idea that it’s fine for disabled people to cause distress to NT people

There aren't even any words to describe the ignorance of this statement. I hope to God you are never ill or injured in a way that leaves you disabled but if, by some unfortunate circumstance you are, then I hope you are shown more compassion than you are currently exhibiting particularly if the nature of your disability may be distressing to non-disabled people.

I’d like to think that if I was disabled I, or my carers, might still have a tiny bit of consideration for how my behaviour affects others.
It’s a weird world where suggesting having a tiny bit of consideration for the needs of others is seen as horrible and selfish.

To the posters insisting it is selfish to allow the child to stay outside stimming, what would you do if you were looking after a frustrated child with ASD, who was happier and less distressed spending his day in the garden since the lockdown closed his school?

life
Of course he doesn’t want to do it.
I’m not blaming the child at all or suggesting he can help it.
But I also don’t think it’s impossible that His carer could help him spend an hour or two inside his house.

Smileyaxolotl1 my point is that I think your language is disablist. I think the way you talk about disabled people is disablist.

I said early on that it is reasonable that the Op ask for a compromise with use of the garden and the OP has been entirely reasonable.

Gimmiecaffeine
No I wouldn’t. It’s my job to respect my neighbours. Therefore being outside from dawn til dusk is unacceptable.

@Gimmecaffeine I would take him for walks, bike rides, run in some green space, activities in the house and of course some time in the garden but also different things to break the day up not just leave him in the garden all day disturbing the entire neighbourhood

I think your language is disablist. I think the way you talk about disabled people is disablist.

You're not the only one who thinks that.

Well just because the extremists on this thread think it doesn’t mean you’re right.

There's no educating some people.

Challenging disablist statements = extremist.

Actually I have changed my mind.
I think that my statement that the wishes and behaviour of a disabled person should not completely override the needs of an nt person is technically disablist but I would argue that the stance that everyone else’s needs are totally unimportant is offensive and not the way to improve disability relations.

I would take him for walks, bike rides, run in some green space, activities in the house and of course some time in the garden but also different things to break the day up
I would imagine if any of that were feasible his parents would be doing it.

I do think that there will be a higher demand for residential settings after this. Maybe my neighbours have had enough, I spend every waking hour trying to control or minimise my sons behaviours . So far I have had a black eye, been punched and kicked and my neck is red raw with scratches all because my DS2 who is used to being active has no understanding of the world around him is now locked up. I have permission to take him out as much as I need but even with walking him for fours hours a day it’s still not enough stimulation. Called selfish if you send to school, selfish if you annoy the neighbours. Selfish if you take them out more than once but again selfish if he is too loud at home. I find people’s understanding is generally a shorter time than their patience. If I could find a humane way of keeping him being silent I would do it.

@TheletterZ Thank you very much, those links are incredibly useful.

Also thanks to whoever posted the video on stimming and environment and the links for the books, very interesting. I will try and order the books.

Boulshired
That sounds incredibly tough for you both.

If someone was talking in their garden all day long would you actually suggest a rota and ask the neighbour to stay inside so you could enjoy the garden? Am sure it would be irritating but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't ask them.
I don't think you should ask them to limit their use of their garden, other than potentially asking if they could be in at the bedtime as a favour.
I don't think you should stop going out if you want to.
Some of the posts on here are really horrible but unsurprising.
Stimming is completely out of a person's control.

Managing the behaviour of children with autism isn't about repressing them. As I said before, I've spent a professional lifetime in this field, working with parents to get inside the head of their non-verbal child to work out what it is that's making them anxious and stressed, trying to lessen those triggers, and finding alternative and more socially acceptable ways for them to relieve their frustration and anxiety.

I'm not going to criticise the parent in this OP, but it seems that she's in desperate need of help to manage his vocal stimming, because simply leaving him in the garden all day isn't going to do it. And it simply isn't fair to anyone (including the child and the OP) if he's left there to get more and more anxious and more and more stimmy.

Mum (or Dad) is going to have to keep him inside some of the time. It's not fair for OP and her family to bear the brunt of it every minute of the day.

boulshired
You sound like you are doing an amazing job.
Why on earth would anyone call you selfish if you sent your child to school?
Key workers children and children with SEN are exactly the reason some schools have been kept open.
It’s very disappointing that it seems like many SEN schools are not doing so but I can only assume it is ratio issues.

i would imagine if any of that were feasible his parents would be doing it

Well seeing as he’s in the garden from sunrise to sunset it seems highly unlikely that they are bothering to do anything at all with him

@Boulshired that sounds so incredibly difficult for you. The absence of respite care as well as schooling must be so difficult to manage for both your child and yourself.