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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:
Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:15

itisbetter
Thank you for your help. But while I don’t think it was offensive it was really just part of a bad tempered conversation with another poster and doesn’t add anything useful to the thread.

JigsawsAreCool · 06/05/2020 20:17

Hope things get sorted op.

You can absolutely get a fence done because its work that can be done with no contact. Just be absolutely clear what you want. Perhaps eith photos and have that agreed. And they can be outside alone doing it.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 20:19

"then a few say that any repression of a disabled person is disgusting regardless of the inconvenience or distress it may cause others."

Repression is an interesting choice of word to use there.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 20:27

In fact try replacing "disabled person" with "woman" or any other group and see how it reads.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:29

spikey
I used it because I assume that people who think natural behaviour of people with disabilities should always be allowed free reign regardless of who it affects must feel that disabled people are being repressed when asked to modify their behaviour.

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 20:32

But OP isn't making attempts to repress him. She is understanding that when he is in the garden he makes noise which is beyond his control; what is within OPs control though is talking to the neighbour respectfully, and trying to find things that might help, which she has done. The fence seems sensible, it seems from previous posts that he might be getting distressed by seeing them in their garden, so it benefits him too. Nothing to do with repressing. No one is suggesting that he is locked indoors against his will, but if he is outside all day without his mum, it's not outrageous to wonder whether there is anything that can be done indoors that he can cope with, alongside spending time in the garden as well.

SFCA · 06/05/2020 20:37

Glad you got it sorted OP. Hopefully restrictions will start to be eased soon and that will reduce everyOne’s dependence on gardens a little too.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 20:37

Well you are certainly consistent with your othering and your feeling of superiority over people with disabilities.

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 20:43

Well you are certainly consistent with your othering and your feeling of superiority over people with disabilities.

Was that aimed at me because you can't accept another point of view?

Brogley · 06/05/2020 20:45

I think it was aimed at the poster above you

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 20:46

I wonder if it’s that people are finding it hard to see the humanity in this child? What if it was your child and they developed Tourette’s (verbal tics)? Would it be ok for your neighbour to ask you to keep them inside when the neighbours wanted to use the garden?

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:48

spikey
I have no idea what you are talking about but I stand by my belief that being disabled doesn’t give you a right to do whatever you want regardless of the harm it may cause to others.
But I know for some people that is a disablist concept.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:48

lasagnah it was aimed at me.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:51

itisbetter
If my child stood outside shouting ‘fuck* for 14 hours a day (I appreciate that is not the common presentation of Tourette’s before I get jumped on) I’d like to think I would appreciate that some people might find that hard to listen to and ensure he spent some time inside.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 20:51

No that was to Smileyaxolotl1 who was talking about repressing disabled people.

If it doesn't sound ok if you replace disabled people with another group of people then it is not ok to say it. That also applies to the second comment.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:53

lasagnah
However some people on this board do think it outrageous that anyone with a child with a disability should be asked to do anything to make life a little bit easier for their neighbours even if it’s just not letting him be in the garden shouting consistently for 14 hours.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 20:53

I stand by my belief that being disabled doesn’t give you a right to do whatever you want

The point being made to you is that disabled people, particularly neurodiverse people, should not have to suppress or modify behaviours directly relating to their disability (e.g., stimming) just because it is upsetting or stressful for NT people and that neurodivergent people (as well as all other disabled people) do not owe anyone an apology for their disability.

You then twisted it to suit your agenda of people who refuse to apologise are rude and disabled people should modify their behaviour before comparing stimming to shitting on the floor.

Lasagnah · 06/05/2020 20:53

Apologies @Spikeyball.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 06/05/2020 20:54

Some posters appear to be high jacking this post and accusing any one who doesn’t agree with them as disablist 🙄
Regardless of whether a child has SEN or not it is selfish and inappropriate for them to be screaming in the garden from dusk til dawn when it is affecting other peoples lives.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 20:58

SEN and SN are not the same thing.

SEN refers to special educational needs while SN refers to special needs/disabilities. While there is often crossover between the two, it is possible to have SEN with no corresponding SN and visa versa.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 20:58

spikeyball
I literally have no idea what you are talking about - you obviously do think that asking a parent to not let their child scream for 14 hours straight in their garden is repressing them so I don’t understand your issue with my terminology.

It’s hard to compare women for example as the only thing I could think of when you might try to stop her natural behaviour is something like menstruating and that goes down the path that got a post deleted before.
If we were to replace disabled people with Muslims for example then I don’t think it would be unreasonable to complain that a person was praying to Mecca loudly for 14 hours straight.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/05/2020 20:59

If it doesn't sound ok if you replace disabled people with another group of people then it is not ok to say it. That also applies to the second comment.

You can't really compare that though. A woman or a person of some race will not cause distress to families around for most of the day. These arguments are illogical.
This is about screaming from 7AM till dark. Note it's 9PM and there is still light out there. It's disrupting other children when they try to sleep. How is it disablist to say that there should be something done about 14 hours of loud noise?
As many people say, we all need to live together. It's a two way street.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 06/05/2020 21:00

SEN SN or NT it’s still wrong and selfish.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/05/2020 21:01

brogley
The toileting issue sort of distracted from the main point here as, as you said, it’s not really relevant to autistic people.

However I just fundamentally disagree with the idea that it’s fine for disabled people to cause distress to NT people and there isn’t really a compromise on that.

Lifeinthedeep · 06/05/2020 21:02

@Smileyaxolotl1

“ my belief that being disabled doesn’t give you a right to do whatever you want regardless of the harm it may cause to others.
But I know for some people that is a disablist concept.”

You actually think the child wants to spend his days screaming in the garden because of his special needs? Focus on the bigger picture rather than the inconveniences disabled people cause yourself personally.

This thread is embarrassing.

Op, good luck. I do have a bit of sympathy for you but, please remember, if you’re going through hell with it then imagine what it’s like to live with and care for someone with special needs 24/7. It’s pure luck of the draw as to whether your children are born with difficulties or not. Some people have it harder than others...