Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

What a difficult situation. I can’t cope with lots of noise so I would be ill if I had noisy neighbors but it’s so difficult to be “critical” of someone’s child.

I think I would pop a note through saying “Hi neighbour, I wondered if there is a convenient time we could arrange to speak on the phone? I have noticed since lockdown that your son is feeling distressed when we are in the garden. I’m sure it’s upsetting for you all and we wanted to try and work out some ways we could both work together to make sure we can all enjoy the outdoor space and not cause anyone distress. My number is xxxxx.”

I’d actually be very reluctant to agree to a schedule, what if that no longer works for you?

I have a son with autism. I apologise for his behaviour, even though he cannot control it. At the end of the day, it does not matter if my autistic child throws something in the supermarket (he, like OP's son loves seeing things "fly") and it hits someone, or if his NT younger brother does it, at the end of the day some random shopper has been hit with something.

Now, for my NT son I would expect him to say sorry if he was old enough, if he was too young (a baby or toddler) I would apologise for the behaviour instead. With my autistic son, I also apologise for his behaviour, as if he were "too young" to do it himself iyswim.

When his older brother tantrums in public or has a meltdown, on a bus for example, I apologise to the others on the bus. I wouldn't refuse to apologise just because the disturbance is coming from my autistic son.

soapbox
Yes you always have one or two evil sods on the threads but the vast majority suggest that a little bit of give and take is reasonable and then a few say that any repression of a disabled person is disgusting regardless of the inconvenience or distress it may cause others.
spikeyball
See I think everyone else does do that actually or polite people do.
You apologise for burping, for bumping into someone, for interrupting. All perfectly natural things that are accidental so I don’t really think it’s unreasonable for someone to apologise for their son making a very loud noise in his garden for 14 hours a day in a time period where people are unable to escape that noise.

Smiley they were just the ones that stuck out. Its also the general attitude and ignorance.

brogley
Don’t make sweeping Statements then complain when people don’t accept the rubbish you state.
You specifically said that no one with disabilities should have to apologise for anything they do related to the disability then said confirmed you would not apologise if any one urinated on the floor.
I simply stated that you have no manners then, which is pretty clear.

However this does not help the OP and is really an irrelevancy to the thread.

Bad behaviour' as in behaviour that is anti-social/harassing or worse

Why are, say, the noises made by someone who has severe schizophrenia, which they cannot control, any more or less anti-social than stimming noises? Neither intend to disturb others, but are.

soapbox
But why is it ignorant to say that it’s not fair to the OP to have a loud noise outside for 14 hours?
As that is all that has been said other than the two offensive posts.
However since I have had a post deleted I can only assume that some fragile snowflake thinks that something I said was offensive.

Could the person who reported me please say what was offensive as I don’t remember that particular post?

Quizacabusi
I’m the same. I spend most of my time resting and a lot of time in bed due to chronic illness . Sound like op is describing would cause me to have a sensory crash and lose all energy. Shouting / screaming in my ear, sneezing, squealing, loud laughing, blowing noses etc near me can also have the same effect. This being one, where I collapse and am unable to move or talk for a while. It takes me a few days or so to recover from this. Having a neighbour like this could have me pretty much permanently bedridden.

I’ve written very sensitively upthread about the issue and I absolutely understand he cannot help the noises he makes any more than my body can help the response it would have. I do find it incredibly insensitive that some people just tell others to get over themselves as if autism trumps all other disabilities. It doesn’t. We all need to live together and consider eachother.

I really think if someone has such a lack of self awareness that she allows her son to make loud noises in the garden dawn til dusk, then be prepared for her not being too accommodating to your requests for compromise. In my experience, people who allow this absolutely know how inconsiderate it is to others, but really couldn’t give a toss.

Smiley it is ignorant to assume that some autistic behaviours can be easily controlled if at all.

It's ignorant to assume that this child just needs to just learn.

It's ignorant to assume that this child's parents are just abandoning him outside.

It's ignorant to assume that they aren't doing the best that they can.

It's ignorant to assume that there is actually a workable solution.

It's ignorant to assume that because as pp wouldn't put up with this sort of thing, that autistic children can be disciplined out of their autism.

I'm sure there are other examples from just this thread but I can't be arsed.

YANBU but someone will be along to tell you to suck it up (oh, they’re already here).

Thank you everyone, we've had a chat and I am going to look into local fencing companies tonight.

Good for you OP, I am glad you spoke with her, and it seems like a fair and sensible place to start.

It's ignorant to assume that this child's parents are just abandoning him outside

I'm sorry, but if he's out there all day long and it sounds like they are.

However since I have had a post deleted I can only assume that some fragile snowflake thinks that something I said was offensive. or MNHQ did? Ask them they will respond.

The school for autistic children here IS outside. I’m sure the parents know how to help him.

Very kind of you to offer the use of the trampoline. He my like the repetitive action of this my Ds is always swinging or jumping on his trampoline.

You sound lovely OP let us know how you get on!

we've had a chat and I am going to look into local fencing companies tonight.

I hope it went well OP and that you're able to get the fence in soon.

Why are, say, the noises made by someone who has severe schizophrenia, which they cannot control, any more or less anti-social than stimming noises? Neither intend to disturb others, but are.

If someone was so acutely and profoundly unwell with schizophrenia that they have outbursts I can't see that these would be anti-social legally. Can imagine telling this person to stay indoors for several hours a day? Or reporting this to the council or calling the police as a nuisance? The police might take action out of concern, but no more than this.

My point was (perhaps made clumsily), stimming is not legally anti-social behaviour and would not respond to any behaviour strategy. So apologising while in your own home for it is pointless.

itisbetter
Thank you- I’ve worked it out.
It wasn’t offensive but either mnhq or a poster on here either hadn’t read the post I was replying to or just can’t understand the use of an example.

Or they thought it was offensive and you can’t see it?

HQ are very approachable. Message and explain and if they’ve made a mistake they’ll reinstate your contribution.

haven't read the thread
YABU

OP you sounds so much lovelier than me. I imagined what screaming non stop would be like all day. It would absolutely be the end of me - I’m under so much stress (along with half the world) and I’d be super irritated. In addition, I’d be annoyed and concerned in this situation if any child is being left to their own devices outside all day. How is that not negligent?

Why are, say, the noises made by someone who has severe schizophrenia, which they cannot control, any more or less anti-social than stimming noises? Neither intend to disturb others, but are.

Yet many are seen to by the police, or are pushed out of their homes by complaints, and don't have a parent or any sort of caring figure at home to look after them and help them develop and implement coping strategies. Not comparing them because it isn't comparable, but it is ignorant to assume that people just leave them be or 'put up with it'- many times they don't.

I think you would be VERY unreasonable and I would never dream of telling anyone not to use their garden or to keep their child inside because I didn’t like hearing them.

You’re kidding! Two doors down, there is a family with 3 dc. The eldest dd used to absolutely torment the youngest dd to the point shes’d be screaming (no SEN) all day, literally from 8-8. Even when taken in at night, she’d carry on (the neighbour between is very good friends with us and would tell us). There was no supervision of the dc ever. We couldn’t be in the garden, it was ear piercing. Eventually, we went round and complained. There was mush eye rolling, but it stopped, for the most part. It ruined my fil’s last visit to us, we couldn’t take him into the garden. I was told that the dd would at least grow up, which is true. They’re a loud family, but there’s no more screaming although the ds took up the bullying of the dd when the eldest moved out.

Dc playing is lovely to hear, screaming is incredibly hard to tolerate for any length of time.