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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to lending dhs family money yet again???

132 replies

yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:31

Please don't judge me.

Ok so none of dh's family have a lot of money. Neither do we but we are saving well to her a deposit for a house.

In the last year we have lent money to his mum and all 3 of his siblings. All different amounts but probably around £3000 in total.

Dh is self employed and is currently putting his weekly tax money into his mums bank account who says she will pay us back in July as she is owed some money then. She currently owes us £1100.

We lent £500 to one of dhs brothers back in January with the agreement we would get it back 2 weeks later. We finally got it back from him 2 weeks ago.

Now dh wants to lend the same brother £4000! The brother wants to buy something - I won't say what - and dh has come up with the idea that we lend the money to the brother and ask for interest back so we gain something from lending the £4000.

Dh brother has 3 vehicles to sell and that apparently will easily come to more than £4000 so we should have no issues getting it back.

I'm fed up, I'm not comfortable with it at all. I've told dh how I feel but that doesn't seem to matter.

Our savings are in my savings account so dh can't transfer him any money - it has to be me that does it.

I have absolutely nothing against his family, I have a good relationship with them all but I'm sick of them trying to take of us all the time. We are trying to get on the property ladder and have a secure future.

Saying that, some of the time they don't ask - dhs just offers it to them. I think he enjoys helping them and being the one that's 'done well' in the family. He enjoys the boost it gives him and makes him feel like the man of the family.

Anyway back to the point - I'm not comfortable lending £4000 to him. When I voice my opinion all dhs says is 'well he his these vehicles to sell, we will get it back no problem with interest'

Then I say 'well what is we don't? What if he can't sell them? It took us an extra 3 months to get the £500 back we lent him in January so I'm not hopeful'

It's like my opinion doesn't matter. Aibu to say no to lending it??

OP posts:
purpleleotard · 06/05/2020 08:33

neither a lender or a borrower be

Cambionome · 06/05/2020 08:35

You are not being unreasonable and I would suggest that you do your level best to put a stop to this "lending" now or you will spend the rest of your married life like this.

JMoore · 06/05/2020 08:37

Why doesn't the brother just sell the vehicles now and gets his 4000 that way?

I'd say no to lending him the money. 4000 is a lot.

BlackWhitePurple · 06/05/2020 08:37

If the brother wants to buy something, he can sell the cars first.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 06/05/2020 08:37

No, especially not in the current climate. If the brother needed it for necessities that's one thing, but not simply to buy something he doesn't want to save up for.

louderthan1 · 06/05/2020 08:38

Why is he putting money into his mum's account??

Original poster
yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:38

@JMoore I've said this but apparently he needs the £4000 now and the vehicles will take time to sell

OP posts:
Cabinfever10 · 06/05/2020 08:38

Say no!
If it is so easy to sell the vehicles he can do that and then buy whatever he wants

Malone98 · 06/05/2020 08:39

If he has the vehicles to sell, then let him sell them and use the money to pay for what he wants. I really wouldn't get involved. I do not lend money to anyone; you simply do not know whether you will get it back, no matter how good a person is. £4000 is a hell of a lot of money.

Feel so sorry for you that you are being put in this position.

However, if you do end up lending the money, make sure you have a written contract setting out how much money was lent and when it is expected to be paid back, etc. You need it in writing should he then refuse to pay it back, so you can get an Arbitrator or Court involved.

Good luck xx

ThanosSavedMe · 06/05/2020 08:39

Nope. Is what the bother wants essential? Be very pleased your dh can’t just hand over the money. I’d be thinking longer term too, about whether to carry on with someone like this.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/05/2020 08:40

Do you have kids?

Ask DH plainly if he'd rather his DB had whatever it is than his own kids a home of their own.

Surely your DH can see his DB has no need to borrow money... he has 3 cars to sell!

Original poster
yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:41

@ThanosSavedMe I really don't know if I can. Dh is crap with money hence why the savings are in my account. It's like we are finally getting somewhere but he can't just leave the money in the account where it is - some of it has to be doesn't somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:41

*spent somehow

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/05/2020 08:42

He enjoys the boost it gives him and makes him feel like the man of the family Hmm

That's the problem right there. Your DH needs to work on his insecurities not boost himself by looking like the only one of the family with money.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/05/2020 08:42

No way! But why the he’ll is your dh giving his mum tax money? What happens if she can’t repay it when it’s due? Also when you apply for a mortgage they are going to scrutinise your outgoings didn’t you may not get one with all these risky costs. You need to put your foot down.

BubblesBuddy · 06/05/2020 08:43

Absolutely not! They just see your DH as a source of money and now he is married, his priority is you. He needs to understand his sponging family should now be politely told “no more money” or you will never get a house. Selling cars has stopped right now.

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2020 08:44

Don't be talked into lending the money
Why does he need whatever it is right now? He could sell his cars, which may or may not raise the 4000, and then buy it. If your dh is insistent on lending the money though then you need to consider if you want to be with him

PrayingandHoping · 06/05/2020 08:45

Do not think the cars will be easy to sell. With what is going on car sales (including second hand) are going to be massively effected! People are just not going to have spare money for a while to be buying cars. They will make do with what they've got. If he gets desperate to sell them he will likely get less than he wants for them

There is a car sales business in my family. I'm not just guessing here....

His brother needs to learn if he wants something he needs to raise the money himself/save! He can wait and sell his cars (seeing as he thinks he can) and save the money and make the purchase

willowmelangell · 06/05/2020 08:46

Can you put the savings in one of those can't-touch-for-3 years type savings accounts?

Original poster
yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:50

Thanks all - just needed to know I'm not being unreasonable.

I know the conversation will come up again tonight when he comes home and my answer will be no - even though I've already said no and it hasn't been listened too. This will be a firm no. His reaction to this will tell me a lot I suppose.

The tax money we have lent to his mum will be back in July - I do trust her. I actually feel she didn't want him to lend her the money in the first place. We've already submitted his tax return for this year.

The bottom line in all of this is he doesn't put our family first and that's what really hurts.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 06/05/2020 08:51

Is this behaviour your prepared to have long term?

The brother can get a logbook loan borrow against the cars that was if he defaults they take the cars

Seapoint2002 · 06/05/2020 08:51

You absolutely should not lend the money. Its unfair of your husband to put that pressure on you. What does he want to buy so urgently anyway?

Original poster
yankydoodles · 06/05/2020 08:52

@willowmelangell that is an option, I've looked into that this morning. Though at this minute, I'm not 100% I even want to be in this marriage anymore so part of me is thinking I need to leave it where it is so I've got my half if I need to leave

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 06/05/2020 08:52

No, I wouldn't either. It sounds as if he has got into a position where he feels he has to keep lending money in order to keep up the fiction that you're doing rather better than you are. But at the moment almost everyone is worrying about money. If he needs and excuse to stop, that's it. He can tell his brother he's worried given the current crisis.

I also think, though, that your DH is being unfair to you here, because it is really stressful being the one in a relationship who has to think about the money and be careful. My DP is likewise rubbish with money - she'd lend money to her family or offer to buy expensive things for them while we were paying off the debt she'd run up herself. Her family always thought she was doing well for herself and would hint or ask for money, and it drove me nuts. Lots of arguments over money before she finally got why it was so stressful for me.

I'd start casually dropping into the conversation how you feel about money around his family, too. 'We can't afford x because we're budgeting' or 'maybe we'll buy x when we've done some saving'. That might get them to realise you're not a limitless resource in the way your DH has let them believe.

littlefawn · 06/05/2020 08:52

I agree set up an account which means you can't touch the money for X length of time and explain to your DH that it will make interest for you both.

Also if someone has leant you money and not given it back in the agreed time frame it's very cheeky to ask for more down the line.

And if his DM doesn't give you the money back in time how will you pay your tax bill?

Tbh my husband is the same when it comes to money, I took a payment holiday on mortgage due to Covid incase we needed the money, we didn't and I wanted to use it to pay off a loan and have extra every month from then on, DH wanted to buy a hot tub! I agreed we could buy an inflatable hot tub if we paid off the loan, paid it off then went online and all the hot tubs were sold out Grin

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