To say no to lending dhs family money yet again???

[yankydoodles]

Please don't judge me.

Ok so none of dh's family have a lot of money. Neither do we but we are saving well to her a deposit for a house.

In the last year we have lent money to his mum and all 3 of his siblings. All different amounts but probably around £3000 in total.

Dh is self employed and is currently putting his weekly tax money into his mums bank account who says she will pay us back in July as she is owed some money then. She currently owes us £1100.

We lent £500 to one of dhs brothers back in January with the agreement we would get it back 2 weeks later. We finally got it back from him 2 weeks ago.

Now dh wants to lend the same brother £4000! The brother wants to buy something - I won't say what - and dh has come up with the idea that we lend the money to the brother and ask for interest back so we gain something from lending the £4000.

Dh brother has 3 vehicles to sell and that apparently will easily come to more than £4000 so we should have no issues getting it back.

I'm fed up, I'm not comfortable with it at all. I've told dh how I feel but that doesn't seem to matter.

Our savings are in my savings account so dh can't transfer him any money - it has to be me that does it.

I have absolutely nothing against his family, I have a good relationship with them all but I'm sick of them trying to take of us all the time. We are trying to get on the property ladder and have a secure future.

Saying that, some of the time they don't ask - dhs just offers it to them. I think he enjoys helping them and being the one that's 'done well' in the family. He enjoys the boost it gives him and makes him feel like the man of the family.

Anyway back to the point - I'm not comfortable lending £4000 to him. When I voice my opinion all dhs says is 'well he his these vehicles to sell, we will get it back no problem with interest'

Then I say 'well what is we don't? What if he can't sell them? It took us an extra 3 months to get the £500 back we lent him in January so I'm not hopeful'

It's like my opinion doesn't matter. Aibu to say no to lending it??

No no and no. This would be different if you were considerably well off and could afford to loose such sums but you aren’t. You have that money because you save and are careful. Just say you can’t spare it because you have had some unexpected expenses. I’d be very wary of allowing mum to borrow the tax money, I had a similar situation and when it was time to pay they ‘didn’t have it right now’ Time and the tax man wait for no one, that money should be put aside and not touched come hell or high water.

your dh and bil live in cloud cuckoo land-whatever he wants right now will have to wait

selling cars at the moment is a no go its at an all time low i think they said worst sales in 80 years

if your mil realises what hes like it must be worse than youre even saying

If you don't put your foot down it will never end

@Labracadabra

What your dads done over the years is criminal. You poor woman. The nerve of him putting the phone down on you.

He's the one who doesn't care about his family.

You can tell him that - that what comes first for him is showing off at the expense of you and his children (and actually, using your money... because you can damn well bet that if you weren't there managing the finances he wouldn't have a pot to piss in.

Taking half, splitting it 'fairly?' Um, don't you mean three-quarters when you think about how you'd really split it 'fairly' - the children will be going with you yes? That's the one thing I disagree with - YOU'LL be the one taking real responsibility for raising your kids - I wouldn't blame you for telling him you're keeping hold of the lot of it - not least as it wouldn't bloody be there if it weren't for you plus you can guarantee that whatever you give him will be splurged in a month

Anyway. Give him your no and see what happens. Maybe if he comes out with the line on you not caring about his family, ask him to ask his mum what she thinks of that. That should shut him up.

But you know, longer term - much logner term - a relationship with someone who is shit with money and also irresponsible is a recipe for regret. It really is. I think you sound ready to leave anyway, and for good reason.

I wouldn't lend the money. I would tell him how you're honestly feeling, it sounds like you're at breaking point. He needs to know how close you're coming to the end.

You'll never get any of this money back

But there is no 'his' money only 'your' joint money. It belongs to you both, so his mum owes you too.

OP, it sounds like you're 3/4 the way out of the door anyway...

Thanks @Fluffycloudland77

Keep your money. It’s not an emergency. You’re not a bank.

You’ve made quite detailed plans to leave, it doesn’t really sound like you’re fully in this marriage any more. It sounds like this isn’t just about money, it’s just the last straw.

She actually said this morning she wouldn't blame me if I left.

Right. But she's still willing to take money from her son to tide her over because she is unable to manage her finances properly.

She is part of the problem. She says one thing and does another, and she's raised four children who can't manage their finances properly and have no boundaries.

How much of a deposit do you need to be able to buy the house you live in, and how much do you have saved up? If you're close to reaching that point then maybe you should put your foot down with your husband, demand repayment of all his family's outstanding debts, say there will be no more lending and if you haven't saved enough to buy the house by X date you will be moving on and looking to secure your own financial future without him holding you back. If you're not close, don't stay with him for financial reasons because you'll never get there.

Why can't the brother get a loan from the bank, which would include interest ?
Or
Buy the item on a credit card & pay the card
Or
Get a second job

There are other options

Just hope I don't get something along the lines of 'you don't care about my family' thrown in my face

I'd answer, you are the one who doesn't care about OUR family. Your need to be the big family bank is more important than our financial security. It's not on and I'm not longer participating in it.

neither a lender or a borrower be

Definitely!

The brother wants to buy something - I won't say what

He should save up then CF!

I'd say no way!

Your DH needs to stop being such a pushover. There’s no way I’d lend a relative 4K especially if they had form for taking months to repay less money. Lending money to relatives and friends is honestly a disaster anyway, causes so many fall outs. If his brother wants four grand he can ask the bank, your DH is not a bank.

There are two problems here. First, your DH seems to think he is Father Christmas and gets his strokes from saying yes to his wider family or even offering money when people just hint at him. Second, you actually care what is said about you by these people.

Now, you can't change him - he's clearly a hopeless case with money, but you know that - but you can change your tactics.

Your DH has to know and understand that you have had enough of him being a soft touch and squandering your nuclear family's future. When he blether about getting interest and his family being certain to repay etc etc, just tell him that's what banks are for. If they are a good risk and can show they can repay, a bank will lend to them. He needs to grasp the fact that he is not a bank. The government will not see him as too big to fail and bail him out like they did RBS when his family let him down, will they? You and your children and he himself will take the hit. He can decide that's OK for himself but he cannot decide it on behalf of you and the children! Spell it out. Be calm, clear and persistent. Don't make it personal or get angry or emotional, whatever stunts he pulls. Repeat until he realises you mean it.

Next, you need to spell out consequences: tell him no more gifts, loans, financial arrangements of any kind with anyone or you will start divorce proceedings. Mean it. Download the forms and start filling them in if you have to.

His strategy will have to be to make you the bad guy. "Mate/Mum/Bro, I'd love to but I can't. She's said she'll divorce me and I daren't risk it."

You have the choice of being the Wicked Witch of the West in his family's eyes or losing the home you're saving for and your marriage, too. I know what I'd do!

You could tell your Mil in advance - she values you and understands. Having an ally may help.

The ultimate trick is not to care what they think of you. They clearly don't care what you think of them, after all!

Why does your MIL need this extra money every week, anyway? I'd be worried that when she has spent what she expects to receive in August she'll be coming straight back to your husband asking for the extra again, only this time she won't have a convenient windfall coming from which she can make repayments.

His mum owes us but that's owed to him. It's his tax money which we always put away in a separate bank account. So the fact his mum his has tax money has made no difference to us financially and wouldn't be owed to me if I left.

Why don't you put the tax money into an interest bearing account? I know interest rates aren't great at the moment, but any interest is better than none, and they will go up at some point.

Just hope I don't get something along the lines of 'you don't care about my family' thrown in my face

Why view that as a threat or an accusation? There's no rule that we have to care about every member of our spouse's families. I'd be inclined to say "No, I don't, certainly not when it comes to splashing money about unnecessarily."

@JudyCoolibar mil didn't ask for it, if you read the thread I tried to explain that. She does need it, and I don't want to go into her full story but MIL is different. She is an absolutely amazing woman who does so much for others and gets nothing in return. I had no issue of dh loaning her money as she really does need it and if I can personally ever do anything to help her I will. I love her to bits - but she didn't ask for it and she wouldn't of. Dh told her he would do this for her as he knew she was owed some money in July and mil was fine to pay it back using some of this money.

I feel I need to stick up for mil here. She also was never made aware of the money we borrowed of her other children until this morning. She had no idea. When I spoke to her this morning, as well as being horrified at the thought of lending bil 4K, she was also horrified at how much we've loaned the others over the past year.

I would tell him that he can choose: he can give his brother the £4000 and lose his family, or keep his family and never lend his family money ever again.

That's his options. He doesn't get both.

I'm sorry but what kind of a person tries to profit when lending his OWN BROTHER money? That right there is your problem.

OP, delighted to read you are a woman with a plan.👏👍