To say no to lending dhs family money yet again???

[yankydoodles]

Please don't judge me.

Ok so none of dh's family have a lot of money. Neither do we but we are saving well to her a deposit for a house.

In the last year we have lent money to his mum and all 3 of his siblings. All different amounts but probably around £3000 in total.

Dh is self employed and is currently putting his weekly tax money into his mums bank account who says she will pay us back in July as she is owed some money then. She currently owes us £1100.

We lent £500 to one of dhs brothers back in January with the agreement we would get it back 2 weeks later. We finally got it back from him 2 weeks ago.

Now dh wants to lend the same brother £4000! The brother wants to buy something - I won't say what - and dh has come up with the idea that we lend the money to the brother and ask for interest back so we gain something from lending the £4000.

Dh brother has 3 vehicles to sell and that apparently will easily come to more than £4000 so we should have no issues getting it back.

I'm fed up, I'm not comfortable with it at all. I've told dh how I feel but that doesn't seem to matter.

Our savings are in my savings account so dh can't transfer him any money - it has to be me that does it.

I have absolutely nothing against his family, I have a good relationship with them all but I'm sick of them trying to take of us all the time. We are trying to get on the property ladder and have a secure future.

Saying that, some of the time they don't ask - dhs just offers it to them. I think he enjoys helping them and being the one that's 'done well' in the family. He enjoys the boost it gives him and makes him feel like the man of the family.

Anyway back to the point - I'm not comfortable lending £4000 to him. When I voice my opinion all dhs says is 'well he his these vehicles to sell, we will get it back no problem with interest'

Then I say 'well what is we don't? What if he can't sell them? It took us an extra 3 months to get the £500 back we lent him in January so I'm not hopeful'

It's like my opinion doesn't matter. Aibu to say no to lending it??

@yankydoodles Then I would tell him that he just has to wait to buy whatever it is he wants to buy, sell his vehicles, save up, like most people do.

Also, what happens if your MIL doesn't get the money she is owed and cannot repay you? How long is your DH going to continue to give her money every week? I am all for helping out family if there is an emergency, but the seem to see you as their own personal bank. You can't carry on like this.

Sorry, that took me so long to write I've cross posted.

I'm so sorry you're feeling things are this bad, OP.

As my dear old Grandad used to say, never a borrower nor lender be.

You have said your dh is no good with money so there is your answer. The savings are in your account for a good reason. It sounds as if his family are no good with money as well. This lock down is a time of extreme uncertainty so use this as a reason to put your foot down. The family will get used to you saying no just as they have got used to you saying yes.

This is insane. You and your DH haven't done that well financially if you're still saving for a deposit to get on the property ladder. Nowhere near well enough to be lending family members large sums of money like it's no big deal. Your husband needs to give his head a wobble and work on getting his family members to pay back the amounts they owe, not lending more.

Can you put it in an isa or somewhere which takes about 4 weeks to withdrawal. That way it's not instant cash for him.

£4000 is a lot of money to lend. It's also a lot of money to lay your hands on if you don't have it. Who knows what the second hand car market will be like in a month or so time. These cars he has to sell might be worth sod all.

I’m your DH in this scenario, however I would never give my family money without his agreement.

We don’t ‘lend’, we ‘give’ - there is zero point lending money to people who don’t have it - it’s a fool’s errand.

If I give without his knowledge it’s from my own monthly surplus.

The lack of compromise is concerning and I’d wonder if I wanted that to be my life going forward.

First if all I'd stop transferring the money you are putting aside to pay the tax bill into his mum's account. If she can't resist temptation you would be in the shit. Put it in the savings account that you control or another account where you can keep an eye on it. Unless this issue of DH being their go to cash machine is stopped soon then it will be a very hard habit to break. Why not consider transferring a regular amount into an account such as a help to buy (sorry can't remember what they are called now) and say your monthly commitments have changed and you can't help. Or say due to changes in work patterns, covid etc your finances are less certain so you can't help. Break the cycle of financial dependency for his siblings or it will go on forever. Good luck.

Only lend the £4000 if you can afford not to have it back which most of us couldn’t. It’s very very difficult to be in this situation as I found out years ago. Most arguments in relationships are due to sex or finances - tell your OH a definite no to his brother, if it’s so important for him to have the £4000 then he has to sell the cars.

The clinical part of me says you got the £500 back from the brother because he knew he was going to ask for the £4000. He has showed than he can not keep his word and in the current climate I wouldn’t guarantee that the cars will sell.

Keep the money in the savings account or as pp suggest, move to a higher interest account where it can’t be touched

Sounds like he wants his family to think he's the rich one on his family, making out he's got £4000 just lying around to lend out with no set return date, when that's very untrue.

You need to have a very serious chat about money, before you get into any debt.

Just seen your update. If you're not even sure you want to stay in this marriage then absolutely do not lend his family another penny. If you were to split up with his family members still owing you large sums of money, he'd have no incentive to get them to pay it back ever. If they did pay it back it would be to him, in cash, after you were divorced, and you wouldn't see your half.

Are you first time buyers? Put your savings in a LISA (apart from current covid restrictions where the withdrawal penalty has been effectively lifted - Martin Lewis good advice to follow on these) there's a penalty if you remove other than to purchase a house. Don't mention to DH or the relatives about the current penalty fee being moot and whack it all in there as 'untouchable' till you buy. If you're not a first time buyer look for some kind of alternative difficult to access without notice (but still accessible for normal house purchase transaction time) savings option. Might make you less of an easy finance option...

If DH wants return on his savings tell him youre putting it in instant access premium bonds or similar, no risk to capital, can get when you want and good chance of making good returns even with current savings accounts at all time lows (savings in bank is doing nada for most if that's what's feeding his desire to 'make something' in interest of brother). Might make him less willing to move it if he's getting good returns. I have life savings of £5k in premium bonds - made £325 in 'interest wins' on the monthly draws last year. Certainly better than the 0.01% my old ISA would be giving me at present from natwest!

As for his mum, I'd really rather not say too much but she is owed money on July and showed us letters confirming this.

And completely agree to those saying dh is making his family think we are better off than we are.

I'm really fed up to be honest. It's never going to change. Then more than likely look bad on me for not wanting to help his family.....can't win

We are a family of 4 and we sold our house a few years ago and rented whilst we looked. My single SIL asked DH if he would lend her £250K to buy a house. I kid you not. This was the sum total of everything we had after selling our house, ready to be a deposit for the next one. We would have given it to her and not had money for our own house.

My DH got unbelievable amounts of grief because he said no I said I would divorce him

Oh the brother “wants to buy something” does he? Well he can bloody well save for it like everyone else has to.....and like you have saved your money. Also, it’s “wants” not “needs”. It would be different if it was for a new boiler because the old one had packed up and they had no hot water - that’s a “need”. Just because he fancies buying something - its not up to you to fund it.

Your BIL and DH need to get a bit of a reality check.
You can't afford something? Save for it.
He can't afford the thing he wants, save for it or sell something.
You can't afford to buy a house yet, so you are saving. Why should you sacrifice the thing you want to buy so that BIL can get the thing he wants to buy? Especially when he can clearly afford it, just just wants it now.
Sadly, that's life. He needs to realise that.

Your DH is prioritising his brothers wants over his immediate families needs. That's not right. Don't lend him the money.

Another option is to have your own savings accounts. You won’t lend your money out but DH can do as he pleases.
When (if) you decide to buy a house, you protect the amount you have put in.

Don’t do it.
Dh gave his cousin £5000.I was against it and made my feelings known.Dh convinced me that his cousin would pay as he was expecting a hefty tax return.
His cousin was supposed to return the money after six months.
Three years later we are still waiting

Also just to point out....his brother hasn't asked to lend £4000. This is dh's idea.

No doubt the brother mentioned it to dh with hope that we would help him. He planted the seed. But he's not asked to lend it.

It's all dh's idea. To add on some interest so we get some extra money back.

I'd rather keep the £4000 where it is thanks....

If I give without his knowledge it’s from my own monthly surplus.

I was coming on to suggest this - why not split the monthly savings into three:

1 large chunk for the savings account (perhaps put in long-term savings bonds that can't be easily accessed)
1 small chunk for you to do what you want with (you could choose to put towards savings too if you want)
1 small chunk for him to do what he wants with (he could give this to family members. But it would be small, and might force him to limit what he offers/agrees to)

Agree with crazy. Your bil only gave the £500 back so that he could ask for the £4k

I really wouldn’t be lending that amount of money especially during these very uncertain times. If it’s for an essential item, maybe offer part of the money?

I also like the idea of having separate savings accounts, he can do what he wants with his, but when you eventually buy a house you legally protect what you put in deposit wise.

If it’s all dh’s idea then you haven’t got a bil problem, you’ve got a dh problem.
It seems that he cares more about his family’s feelings than yours.