To say no to lending dhs family money yet again???

[yankydoodles]

Please don't judge me.

Ok so none of dh's family have a lot of money. Neither do we but we are saving well to her a deposit for a house.

In the last year we have lent money to his mum and all 3 of his siblings. All different amounts but probably around £3000 in total.

Dh is self employed and is currently putting his weekly tax money into his mums bank account who says she will pay us back in July as she is owed some money then. She currently owes us £1100.

We lent £500 to one of dhs brothers back in January with the agreement we would get it back 2 weeks later. We finally got it back from him 2 weeks ago.

Now dh wants to lend the same brother £4000! The brother wants to buy something - I won't say what - and dh has come up with the idea that we lend the money to the brother and ask for interest back so we gain something from lending the £4000.

Dh brother has 3 vehicles to sell and that apparently will easily come to more than £4000 so we should have no issues getting it back.

I'm fed up, I'm not comfortable with it at all. I've told dh how I feel but that doesn't seem to matter.

Our savings are in my savings account so dh can't transfer him any money - it has to be me that does it.

I have absolutely nothing against his family, I have a good relationship with them all but I'm sick of them trying to take of us all the time. We are trying to get on the property ladder and have a secure future.

Saying that, some of the time they don't ask - dhs just offers it to them. I think he enjoys helping them and being the one that's 'done well' in the family. He enjoys the boost it gives him and makes him feel like the man of the family.

Anyway back to the point - I'm not comfortable lending £4000 to him. When I voice my opinion all dhs says is 'well he his these vehicles to sell, we will get it back no problem with interest'

Then I say 'well what is we don't? What if he can't sell them? It took us an extra 3 months to get the £500 back we lent him in January so I'm not hopeful'

It's like my opinion doesn't matter. Aibu to say no to lending it??

No money should be lent to anyone without a legally binding contract
I suspect he has his own reasons for appearing the benefactor. A loan based on selling cars in this climate ? Ask your self what a bank would think of the idea

It was his idea to offer £4000! FFS. No wonder you are thinking of ending the relationship. He is a ridiculous person.

He's not completely daft to suggest a way to earn more off your savings. This particular plan was thought up by someone on glue though. All the same perhaps find a savings account where you get better rates?

dh was like this when we met. I didn't like it as they completely used him and would never do anything in return even if it was for free. I pointed this out and he quickly saw this in time. you need to be firm about this as they will always be circling wanting handouts.

I would just say no and refuse to transfer the money. It’s half yours, you don’t HAVE to do anything your DH says.
He’s being totally irresponsible, what if something happens to his mum or BIL and then you can’t get the money back? Espically in this current climate.

Though at this minute, I'm not 100% I even want to be in this marriage anymore so part of me is thinking I need to leave it where it is so I've got my half if I need to leave

Have you got DC? Obviously you don't have joint property. If you're still relatively unentangled, honestly this would be making me strongly consider the future of the relationship too.

He is telling you very clearly that he wants to continue being the family bank and this is more important than yours and his future financial security together. I would want him to be doing some serious work on this behaviour in order to be able to continue the marriage. He should critically examine why he feels this compulsion, probably with a professional. Is it guilt, obligation?

And yes, you absolutely must have your own savings account.

This is dhs idea

I don’t believe this for one minute. His family know he’s such a pushover that they only need to hint and he will open his wallet. Of course returning the smaller amount was with a view to extracting more money. Dhs cousin, whom we lent money returned it several years later. Then a few months on did the same with us. The second time was a big fat no.

DH lent money to his family totally against my wishes in the past - we've never had money back. It's caused lots of resentment. DH is not good with money and neither are his family.

Thanks all - I'll leave it there. I just needed to get others thoughts. It's going to be a firm no. It always was going to be a firm no. Dh has this way of not listening to anything I say when he has an idea in his head. He just won't listen.

What will be will be. If dh takes my firm no as a no and understands my views and feelings then that's fine.

If he acts like a complete dick and it results in an argument then I can honestly say I think I will be done.

There's only so much money I can transfer to his family without it taking it's toll on me.

Just hope I don't get something along the lines of 'you don't care about my family' thrown in my face

If his mother doesn;t pay back the "tax money" he is putting in her account how does he expect to pay tax due to HMRC in January?? The fines roll up on a DAILY basis for non payment.

Cars are unlikely tos ell atm with CoVid situation. NEVER lend money unless you can afford to give it as a gift.

I do have my own savings account. Dh can not touch what we have. So if we were to split, I'd transfer half of what we have into our joint every day bank account. I'd then take my name off that bank account and remove myself from all the bills and set up another every day bank account myself. I would be the one to leave our home. Sadly I've already thought this through and have a clear plan on what I'd do.

Yes we have dcs

Ask him why he is setting himself us as a 'money lender' to his own friends and family. Incredibly disturbing that he views taking interest payments as 'helping'.

Odds on MIL “gives” the money in her account to BIL so then your DH will be stuffed when it comes to paying the HMRC.

@LaCroixStOuen absolutely not. Mil honestly isn't an issue. I've actually spoke to her this morning regarding this (we are very close) and she was horrified. She assured me we will have back what she owes in July. She tells me everyday when we have a chat.

She actually said this morning she wouldn't blame me if I left.

Your DH needs to stop this immediately. He needs to put the two of you first.
Unknown to me, DH took out a loan (a few thousand) in his name for his DB. Neither DB nor his wife worked so obviously had a lot of financial problems and were desperate for money. DH felt backed into a corner because they had a young child and promised - ‘I’ll get a job, we will pay it’. Of course, DB defaulted and we were left to carry the can.
DB did eventually pay us back - about 12 years later.
As you can imagine, that caused a lot of trouble in our marriage when I found out.

Hi,
The perfect reason is “ sorry brother in law we think house prices might fall now so we want to start looking.../ we need to be ready & save like mad so we can pick up a bargain” It doesn’t matter if it takes you another 5 years to buy a house as far as they are concerned it could be at any time.

Your brother in law will always find something to buy with your money. First it was £500, now £4000 - if he pays that back (far later than agreed) it will be 10k next. Just no.

Could you put the money in premium bonds today, before he gets home? Can be done easily online, plus it only takes a few days to get the money back when you need it.
If you have loads of spare money then yes, I understand lending money, but it has to be right for both of you, which it isn’t.
Don’t lend the money - if he can’t get a bank loan for the £4K, then why should you lend it.

Considering we’re in unprecedented situation, I’d be surprised that anyone would want to lend money. Ok, no one wants to see their own family to starve, but buying something that’s not essential would be a no from me.
What if something happens and you need that money back ASAP?

OP, obviously you are correct to not consider giving his brother money.

Be very slow to hand any money over to your husband from your savings, if you have children, and your husband is poor with money.

You will need money for the children and may not get any from him.

Do not worry about being blamed for not caring for his family.

Your answer should be you care for your children and have to protect them from your husband's ego.

This is all about his big ego.

He sounds like a waster.

Protect yourself, your children need one sensible parent.

Why can’t his brother get a loan? Does he have a bad credit history? If so surely that’s a reason not to lend him i?!

Your mil is part of the problem then. She’s using the DH bank but hasn’t properly taken on board the issues that causes. She should not have borrowed from her son. This is one big merry go round. She has not connected her family’s behaviour with you wanting to leave and even now seems to ignore the issues for you and DC.

Even worse, is she bothered about the rift this is causing? Possibly not. She wants the money more. If you leave, DH would not have you as the voice of reason saying stop the loans! This might suit all of them.

Should parents really be borrowing money from their children? I can understand it being the other way round.

This is obviously a classic thing for couples to fall out over.

Everyone wants to 'help' their family when they can.

But from what OP has said about the sums & circumstances this has to be a very firm 'no'.

We have lent money to my family in the past including last year but it was for specific reasons, ie my sister went off long term sick and then was on half pay. When she returned to work she just needed money for 2 months which we got back in full when she promised.

But no way would I be lending money again to someone who made me wait, no apology and no explanation as to why it took so long to be paid. I agree with PP who said bet he only paid the £500 so he could tap you for the £4k. This is the difference, it is important to you but clearly not as important to him to have paid you back on time.

You are completely right to not lend him £4k. He has things he can sell so he should be prioritising that.

Absolutely not. We've lent money to my husband's mum, and also various siblings over the years and would do so again. But have only ever done it for things that they really need (or there is a good reason for them, one case was paying for flights and hotel for a sibling to attend a cousin's wedding abroad). I wouldn't lend money just because they wanted to buy something, ESPECIALLY if the person actually has the ability to pay for it themselves (by selling the cars).

If you're looking to get a mortgage they want copies of bank statements, any regular payment will be seen as a debt or regular commitment and that will affect your affordability. Even if you explain you're essentially giving money to his mum for safe keeping to pay the tax bill that really looks like you can't be trusted to manage your own finances.
I would be quite happy to lend my brother or parents money but this is deficient coloured by the fact they would never ask and are also careful with savings, don't rack up credit etc so if they needed it it would be an emergency and I know 100% we'd get it back and when they said. However I would still only lend what I could afford to lose because you never know what can happen, people lose jobs, the property market falls etc