To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

Boredofbeingathome

Then the answer is to leave. You don't transfer your pain onto innocent people.

I have less understanding of the motives behind having an affair with a man who is open about not planning on leaving his wife, and just wanting a bit on the side

But that is the attraction. No emotion, no relationship. Just sex. An hour of someone’s time every month or so. You might be surprised how common it is.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras
Not everyone can just up and leave at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons.

Except I was financially dependent on him.
If he were to finish it I would have been homeless.
What a big decision for him to make on my behalf.

ItsMsActually

Yeah, no. Doing good things doesn't give you a free pass to do other shitty things.

My friend's husband does a lot for charity, volunteers, goes to church - none of that mitigates the pain he is currently inflicting on his soon to be ex wife and children.

Not everyone can just up and leave at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons.

And? You don't have to start an affair. It's not compulsory.

I at no point says it mitigates, justifies, or balances out the wrong. I just said you can't call people involved in affairs scumbags just like that. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationships. Nothing is simply black and white.
I'm sure you'll know people in RL now who are having affairs, friends of yours. Are they instantly scumbags the second you find out? Or are they still the same people they were the day before you knew?

@Cautionsharpblade You've hit the nail on the head.
Affairs are so much more common than most people think.
I'm on a chat app that a lot of people use to conduct affairs, organise swinging/drugs etc.
Most of the people on there are married.
In the 2 years I've been on there (joined for anonymity, stayed for genuine friends) only one married man has been uncovered.
One.

WE both had happy relationships but no sex, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Then he started a second affair and he told her he had not had sex with his wife for 25 years, he had told me it was about 5 years. i twigged then that no matter how charismatic and fun he was it was not a good idea to carry on.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras

People do things for all sorts of reasons. People here have posted that themselves. Obviously this is something you feel very passionate about, but that doesn't mean you can talk for everyone.

Are they instantly scumbags the second you find out? Or are they still the same people they were the day before you knew?

If they are having affairs then they are scumbags - regardless of whether I ever find out or not.

Well I'm glad I can be a friend to those that make mistakes and do foolish things. Humans are animals. Let's just bare that in mind. We're not all perfect, like you.

NC'd for this (hopefully!).

I had an affair with a married man when I was in my late 20s. We were colleagues but he worked in an office a few hundred miles away from me and I was attracted to him the first time I heard his voice. When we met a few weeks later, I fell for him completely - I don't fall in love easily and I've never felt that way about anybody before or since, despite now being happily married with DCs. It was like being hit by a sledgehammer.

I found out he was married with two very young children quickly but TBH, I just wasn't that bothered.

Due to the distance, we only met up on a few occasions. I wouldn't say either of us chased the other; it was a mutual attraction and I just decided to go for it. I absolutely did not want him to leave his wife and children for me. It's definitely the most selfish thing I have ever done and I don't regret it at all. I'm just glad his wife didn't find out, although I subsequently found out I wasn't his only bit on the side (quelle surprise) so I don't know if his marriage lasted anyway.

As someone has said before, It's animal or sexual chemistry with another person, it happens all the time, and always will do

Aint that the truth babe eh?.

Many years ago one night was at a party the girl i was with, the relationship was on its last legs, but a friend of hers was there and was let down for her lift home.

Ah! you go near where she lives!, so i duly was giving her a lift when she said can you stop the car I'm desperate for a pee so did that in a layby known for lay by lays! A few minutes later she came back holding her knickers "seems i've wet myself" seems rather funny she then got back in the car said "i'm very wet also, can you just fuck me? and make a good job of it" which i duly did.

She it turened out was getting married three weeks later and my semi ex invited me along to her wedding.

I did go was a tad embarrsing. Her marridge only lasted two years can't think why??..

I think it all depends on the circumstances TBH. However many women who go out with guys like this ,seem to deliberately misread the tell tale signs : Not free on weekends/not a lot of free money to spare /not meeting his friends and so on . They may suspect something ,but choose to ignore or think he is about to divorce DW. Often the opposite is true ,They dump OW and go back home . This has always been the case and it truly stinks .

Interesting question. I don't know as I haven't ever been the OW, but two women I know have been.

One was also married so they were both cheating. They left their spouses and are together with kids now. The other woman was single and he left his wife for her. I work with the second woman.

This information was shared with me without any kind of prompting. I don't think we were even talking about anything at all related, yet both felt the need to share. And both of them seemed really pleased with themselves. There was quite a bit of bragging, like they were really cool and rebellious. And they had a complete disregard for the wives whose lives they had helped uproot.

Really, really odd. I imagine if I was unable to control myself and ended up in their boat I would be racked with guilt and never mention it to anyone.

I’ve not read the full thread, but what’s to say she knew he was married? If he is the kind of man who is able to lie to his wife I’m sure he’s no problem with telling lies to the other woman.

Life isn't all black and white. I think that a lot of people who are very dogmatic simply haven't seen in from the other side of the fence. Or indeed from either side.

I know people who are ADAMANT they would instantly leave a partner who was unfaithful/ took drugs/ got into debt, whatever. But it's never happened. When you've not been even near that situation, you honestly can't say how you'd react or feel, or what you'd do.

I can honestly say that I loved the MM I was involved with, and I do believe he loved me. I can't regret what we did because of the positive things it brought to my life.

I didn't quite have the sledgehammer attraction thing with him (though I did with my recent Ex, who cheated on me) but I did feel almost a physical pull to him which I've never felt with anyone else.

Some people might say that being cheated on in a later relationship was what I deserved. Thing is, what hurt more than the actual cheating was the way the woman he had been seeing kept contacting me to share all the details because she thought I 'ought to know' I'm sure others will disagree but in my mind that makes her worse. He was a shit to me, was fucking another woman/ women behind my back rather than address the issues in our relationship but his plan (which she knew) was that once things were sorted between us he'd stop. He was thoughtless and careless as to whether I'd get hurt (he admitted he didnt think what might happen if I found out) BUT he never deliberately and directly tried to hurt me, whereas she did repeatedly. To my mind that makes her worse.

My partner is in the forces - depressingly a lot of them have affairs and have sex with others (men and women).

No it's not okay. Destroyed my marriage and broke the hearts of my 4 yr old and 6 yr old. Provided you know their status you do have a choice whether to start an affair with a married man and it's nasty and unkind and disrespectful - it hurts so many people and does irreparable harm.

Destroyed my marriage and broke the hearts of my 4 yr old and 6 yr old.

Your (ex) partner did that though. He had all the obligations to you and your children.

If you cheat on or with someone you are a scumbag to me. I ditched my friend of 13 years because she thought it was ok to get with a married man. It’s selfish and cowardly and you’ll never persuade me otherwise. The woman that had an affair with my ex was a nurse. Funny how someone who should be so compassionate thought it was ok to sleep with my shitty ex (yes I hate him too). She even added me on Facebook during the affair so definitely knew who I was!

When a woman sees a man she wants the sisterhood goes right out of the window.

Blah blah blah blah blah

All of these judges labelling cheaters are FAR from saintly imo.

I have not had an affair with a married man, but because of that, my opinions arent enmeshed with my own fears.

It can be selfish, or foolish or flawed, or a lifelineor a catalyst.

I have been badly treated by a few women, always a minority, but ive been ostracised deliberately by a woman who lovebombed everybody else in the family. It was horrible. But she would be the type to label all cheaters "scum".

It is such a lazy way of placing somebody beneath you on your own moral hierarchy.

It is tedious.

Im not condoning cheating, but "all cheaters are scum" always, no exceptions, that is so blinkered.