To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

Even the device you are using to comment on this thread has likely caused harm to others @Hearhoovesthinkzebras
Humans are by nature very selfish unless it benefits them.
Children, family, that's instinct and survival, not a nice code.

I suppose it depends what you mean by 'owe, LaurieMarlow*. I think we 'owe' it to other people not to purposely harm them and to take reasonable care not to hurt them.

I think that many people having affairs do not believe they will be caught and therefore nobody will be hurt. The intent to hurt really isn't there; unfortunately though, the reasonable care isn't always there either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Speak for yourself

I think that many people having affairs do not believe they will be caught and therefore nobody will be hurt. The intent to hurt really isn't there; unfortunately though, the reasonable care isn't always there either.

The hurt is done, whether anyone finds out or not. But like a cancer growing away but not yet apparent. The harm is still being done even though the patient doesn't yet realise it.

However, what we owe to strangers we’ve never met is of a totally different magnitude to what we owe to people we made lasting commitments to
I try to treat others the way I like to be treated. It sounds cheesy but it gives me direction to put myself in someone else's shoes.
I'm not naive to take it shouldn't happen with attraction & hormones sometimes you fall in love with someone else, if it works out great move on together. The having HIS cake and eating it, sneaking around makes me lose respect for the new lover's.

No, I haven't. I can't imagine I would, but there are no certainties in life and humans are inherently flawed and a little foolish.

I don't like the whole condemnation of the OW, though, because it is never black and white. So many people lie through their teeth, take chances and make crap choices to lure someone in; so many people manipulate other people to get their rocks off, so many people looking for affairs target vulnerable people with low self esteem or fragile pasts to ensure that the meagre scraps they give them are enough. I don't think both parties are always equally at fault. Equally wrong, yes, but not equally to blame.

It's human nature to fuck up, but I think the person in the relationship or marriage is the one 'more' in the wrong, for want of a better phrase. DH said vows to me; if he cheated, he'd be the one breaking those vows. That's not to say I wouldn't be angry and upset at the OW, but the blame lies with the person in the relationship; OW/OM are almost interchangeable and not the source of pain. It's sometimes easier to focus on the OW/OM than it is to focus it entirely on your DP.

If they know the other person is married then they are both as bad as each other and both are cheats. It's scummy behaviour and I wouldn't be friends with someone who did this. I just couldn't trust them deep down.

Its all about the justifying their behaviour to themselves and their reasons. So selfish.

However for the men and women who don't know their partner is married or in a ltr and who are also duped by a cheater, this just shows how's despicable this behaviour is.

I disagree with the comment above mine as the person in the relationship and the person if they know their lover is in a relationship are both cheaters. Not to say the om or ow are worse but they are all pieces of crap.

As well as just not telling the OW he is married, a lot of men will tell her his marriage is unhappy/dead/he's only there for the kids. Sometimes this will be a lie, but sometimes not. Out of all the married people out there who are in a headspace to cheat, it does stand to reason that a lot of them will genuinely be deeply unhappy in their relationship, or they wouldn't do it. There will be those that are just callous enough to not care, but many will genuinely be desperately looking for a way out, making mistakes as they go. It's much easier to not feel guilty about the hurt caused to a man's wife, knowing that the marriage was on
its way out or already over, anyway. Whether it's an act from him or not, many women will go into the situation believing that.They may also feel they are doing the right thing by encouraging him not to stay in an unhappy situation, too.

I have less understanding of the motives behind having an affair with a man who is open about not planning on leaving his wife, and just wanting a bit on the side. But leaving an unhappy relationship to be with somebody else is a common situation that isn't impossible to justify.

I am, Hearhooves, I'm certainly not of your opinions.

No I haven’t. But my Dad did and it ripped the heart out of what I thought was a perfect, happy family, and it affected me badly through my teenage years.

Anyone who indulges in affairs is an utter fucking scumbag.

Yes my DH was a victim of forced marriage, I knew the situation from when we were friends and was not going to pass on the love of my life because of some poxy cultural crap.
Neither of them wish to pursue a relationship with each other but remain married for the sake of "family reputation" and her Visa.

If they were in a genuine couple then no, never.

Lots of people are very selfish and don't consider others at all (especially strangers) OW & cheating spouses fall into this category - completely self serving, both as bad as each other.

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone else's cheating DH, scum like that wouldn't get near me. And there's a code and respect I have for all woman that would stop me too.

Yes, it has lasted for 5 years....and counting!

Neither of us had an intimate relationship within our marriages and neither could leave because of family reasons which I am not prepared to go into.
Both looking for an outlet and neither intending anything to develop or to leave marriage.

So all the posters who want to pour scorn and opprobrium on us, look at us through a lens where we neither had any intimacy within our marriages, neither could leave and it has saved both our own mental health and our marriages.
For me, I had had sex once in 4 years prior to this, for him it was longer.

So judge me if you like, I couldn't care less. This has enabled both of us to remain within relationships and marriages where we provide everything bar intimacy.

I was vulnerable after a bad break up. The man and I were great friends. He and his bisexual wife had an open relationship. She was open about a few one night things with other women and I know they had a threesome. He and I got very drunk and had sex on two occasions. Wife found out. Turned out the open thing was bullshit. (Except for her). Turned out my friend had spent two years lying to me about everything, even stuff that wasn’t anything to do with that. (He’s a pathogical liar, I was so fond of him but it was based on his own fantasy stories). The fallout was unreal. I, the single woman as opposed to the married father got every last bit of the blame. Lost a mutual friend over it, badly, I think he lied to her too tbh, and lost part of a social scene. For a few bad shags. And the shock of finding out suddenly that everything he had told me was just made up did my mental health no favours at all. His wife prefers to think I’m a demon rather than deal with a lying philanderer. Fine. And the ex mutual friend still, 5 years later, badmouths me to anyone she thinks might be interested in me. The woman takes the blame. Is what I learned, and I learned it a damn hard way. You’re a slut, home wrecker, man stealer etc. is what you get even if the whole thing is innocent.

I also have a friend who was with a guy for a year before finding out he’d a wife and family in the next county. The lies there were unreal.

I once dated an engaged man for about 3 months. I was only 18 and he was 24. Went to his flat one day and he was out then he stopped contacting me. Bumped into his friend in the pub a couple of weeks later and it turned out the day he wasn't in it was because he was getting married! I saw him a few years later with his pregnant wife in a clothes shop - obviously I didn't bother saying anything but the look on his face as it slowly drained of colour was fantastic. I just winked and walked out.

Why people get together with married men? I'd like to think they fall in love before they realise the man is married but some people just have very low morals so I'm sure that isn't always the case.

Similar to ViperVix, I meet up with someone who is in a relationship, as am I. We've known each other years and had been together in the past. I love my partner but it is a very practical, non passionate relationship. I only meet the other man 1-2 times a year max but it is enough to satisfy my passionate/sexual needs for another year. I know on paper it sounds awful and I do feel bad about it, but I think relationships just aren't as black and white as we like to think.

ViperVix

Are you not afraid of the hurt you might cause innocent parties if this comes to.light?

Just want to say to Hearhooves, you describe it right in yours of 14:28 today.
The damage is done when it starts, then it grows.
Not yet spoken of ( I think) is the damage that the participants do to themselves by bend their own ethical system, they deceive themselves to make it OK.
I did, Shrugged it off then but realised later. BF had an affair recently. That ended badly for her.
I will work out how to tell that tale without ID anyone.

See?
"Scum"
"Scumbags"
"Pieces of crap"
"Self serving"

That is why the genuinely curious won't get answers.

Boredofbeingathome

Because if you've witnessed the hurt that affairs cause it's hard to feel sympathy for either party involved in the deception.

A good friend of mine is currently divorcing her husband of more than twenty years because he was having an affair with her best friend - for 15 years! Sorry, but imo, both the husband and best friend are scum, scum bags, pieces of shit and self serving.

I have witnessed it.
I've lived it.

Boredofbeingathome

Then why aren't you against people who do it?

Because as many people have said, life isn't black and white.
People do not cheat in happy marriages, there is no "woman's code"
Humans are inherently selfish.

And I know exactly why my last partner cheated, he wasn't happy and we weren't having sex.
That's what it came down to.
Very simple.

We can't just blanket call anyone involved in an affair scumbags. One of my best friends is having an affair. Whilst I don't agree with that itself, she is not a scumbag. She is a kindhearted, generous, loving and warm friend. She volunteers, does lots for charity and the local community, is a retired nurse who helped many people during her career. It just isn't always clear cut at all.