To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

Well I fell in love in my 20s when working abroad. After a few dates the man I'd been desperately wanting to be my boyf for ages and now finally was, turned out to be married :( I ended it, but what if I hadn't known? Cheating men are not always honest and the OW may not know she's the OW

And I know exactly why my last partner cheated, he wasn't happy and we weren't having sex. That's what it came down to. Very simple.

Correct. This is regarded as heresy on MN, but Is a simple fact of life in the real world. In sexless relationships, the partner who still wants sex will very likely get it elsewhere, whether that is a full-blown affair, an FWB situation or Adultwork. The partner who is refusing to have sex cannot be surprised by this, and is in part reaping what they sowed.

Some women have low self-esteem, they might be vulnerable, brought on by their childhood, or whatever life has thrown at them. Some women will think they are worth very little and someone showing them some attention can make them feel good about themselves in that moment, in a way they have never experienced before but always craved.

Some women will believe the stories men tell them about not being happy and justify to themselves what they are doing. Possibly because they have low self-esteem.

Sometimes the OW will go onto having a long and happy relationship with the man, no matter how much people want to pretend that never happens.

Some women will just want sex with no commitment, some women might like the competition... the list of reasons are long and varied.

Humans are complicated and life can be messy. We all make shitty choices of some description at times and have justified our actions while doing so.

AgelikeWine, I agree although (as ever) sometimes it's more nuanced than that. My Ex and I weren't having sex but I never refused it, I didn't initiate it and he (for various reasons) decided he wouldn't/ couldn't do so. So he started having sex elsewhere as - in his words - a temporary solution.

As for the sisterhood, girl code or whatever, I've never believed in it, if anything the opposite. I've been fucked over by at least as many women as men in my life...I don't think I owe something to someone purely because we share the same gender, and from what I've experienced, most women don't either.

I work with blokes, they’ll show you a picture of their lovely kids, & then ask you out. This is usually after you’ve talked to them for about 10 minutes. But in saying that I quite happily shagged the boss for years, pure lust.

I think there are many different kinds of affair - from deeply involved loving relationships to purely physical one night shags. And there are a multitude of circumstances that make them more likely to happen.

I am not defending affairs, let alone recommending them, but humans are flawed creatures and sometimes seek comfort in inappropriate ways.
And sometimes the prevailing culture encourages it.
I recall as a junior hospital doctor in the 1980’s, when we worked 100 hour weeks, with almost no senior support at night, virtually lived in the hospital and hardly saw our partners, while being stressed by coping with death and serious illness - very large numbers of the medical and surgical staff had affairs. It was a toxic mix of stress relief, available on call bedrooms, the “glamour” of being a young doctor, and the alcohol from the hospital bar which everyone drank even when on duty, to help cope with the job. I don’t recall anyone’s marriage breaking up as a result, and the affairs tended to be purely physical. I don’t ask people to condone them, but perhaps to understand them.

. I don’t ask people to condone them, but perhaps to understand them.

I think this is a cop out. We can control ourselves. It's quite ridiculous to suggest otherwise. People make an active choice to enter into a relationship either as, or with, a married person. There's no justification for that choice.

I've NC for this.

I had what could be classed as an emotional affair with a much older and married man. I needed someone to lean on due to various things in my life and he was willing to always be there to listen. It was mostly innocent, but it started to change on his side- he eventually told me he loved me, wishes things were different, I'm different to any other woman blah blah blah. Our friendship became more affectionate than it should have been - only hugs and holding hands and he did kiss me on a couple of occasions. I stopped it before it went any further but I know he would have been willing to push further if I had wanted more. He did tell me he's sad it would never work between us, so he was at least realistic on that front.

From my side, I didn't fancy him at all but I liked the company and the fact someone wanted my company too. I never met his wife but if I had I doubt it would have even got to the affection stage at all - I would have felt too guilty and it would have been more real. I feel sorry for her because it's obvious her husband isn't completely in love with her judging by the things he would say to me.

Yes a ONS with my married boss. I'd unhappily finished with my boyfriend, we were working away from home and I was very very very drunk.

I regretted it straightaway the next day but now I'm forced to reflect on it, I don't think I gave his wife much thought. I don't know what that says about me. I regretted it because I thought "Is this all you're worth - a man's bit on the side?"

He tried to start up something with me again a few times but I always told him I was not interested while he was married.

"Not everyone can just up and leave at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons."

No one is saying you have to leave 'at the drop of a hat' but I think someone who is having an affair and is bleating 'but I can't leave my husband/wife/family' is talking bullshit.

God i hope my name change is still working

Married man 1 - still ongoing, its been 18 months. He's "happily" married, just likes more sex / variety. I'm not his only affair partner. He is older and a big part of it for me is having that father type figure who listens and cares and advises. And I'm sure a big part of it for him is a kind of distraction from real life responsibilities - someone who is attentive, keen and focused solely on him when we are together. His other affair has been going on for a decade or so. I imagine ours will too unless circumstances massively change.

Married man 2 - i saw him for about 4 months last year - a regular FWB situation, we met every week. He was purely in it for the attention and sex (separate bedrooms with wife etc apparently, could be a lie, who knows..). I was in it for the convenience - I prefer MM1 but he lives further away and we meet less often. MM2 was nice enough and nearby.

Being truly honest, I only thought / think about myself in these situations. Will this work for me.... yes. If it wasnt me it would be someone else, they were both actively seeking lovers. Their wives and families are their responsibilities not mine.

Honest to god, moral bankruptcy alive and well on this thread.

atiabalba, Married Man 1 is seeing two of you? That must be really hard if you have feelings for him.

@atiabalba do you not think you deserve more for yourself than the dregs of these married men?

I've been surprised how many men I have gotten to know who manage to answer completely normal conversational questions (how was your weekend, what did you do, where are you going on your holidays, etc.) without ever mentioning their partners/wives or children!!! It's like they want to keep the illusion of being single and available and would take the opportunity to cheat if given. And when you ask direct questions about their families they are very hush hush. I know some people are private people but they don't mind divulging about the rest of their lives!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Its actually worked out ok. I was last in so to speak and i always knew about his wife and about his other AP. She and i are actually kind of friends now, we've met about 5 times. I'm used to sharing him and the relationship i have with him is kind of parental plus sex. I am aware that sounds messed up! I think its harder for AP1 as she seems to be deeply in love with him.

@Ginger1982
"Not everyone can just up and leave at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons."

No one is saying you have to leave 'at the drop of a hat' but I think someone who is having an affair and is bleating 'but I can't leave my husband/wife/family' is talking bullshit.

Your post and intense disbelief is contradictory. A lot of people cannot leave their spouse for lots of reasons. Or if they can leave, the timeline is much longer than a lot posters on here morally require. Think maybe 6 months to several years to disentangle oneself versus the immediate flipping of the switch that posters here seem to advocate.

@yellowsubmarinedreams yes I've met many men like this too. I actually feel sorry for them that they aren't proud of their wives and family. More sorry for the family though obviously.

@Candyfloss99 Yes! In a way. And it makes me a bit sad for myself. But its easy and it meets my needs so i keep doing it. Am aware thats probably not great.

@atiabalba are you not concerned about catching anything if MM1 is sleeping with other women

@Raaaa We always use condoms so no, not really.

"Your post and intense disbelief is contradictory. A lot of people cannot leave their spouse for lots of reasons. Or if they can leave, the timeline is much longer than a lot posters on here morally require. Think maybe 6 months to several years to disentangle oneself versus the immediate flipping of the switch that posters here seem to advocate."

@jingsmahbucket I don't think I am being contradictory. If you wake up one day and think 'I'm not happy in this marriage' I'm not saying you have to leave that day, but to decide you're not going to leave, then calculate and start an affair and then say 'I'm doing this because I can't leave my spouse' I don't think is right. I don't believe you can't leave a spouse if you really want to.

Yes! In a way. And it makes me a bit sad for myself. But its easy and it meets my needs so i keep doing it. Am aware thats probably not great
It is a bit sad. Do you not have time for a committed relationship? Is it more convenient? Does it come from a place of insecurity? Do you think ut is essier to be the ow. I'm not judging you. I am interested if these relationship give you what you deserve.

the relationship i have with him is kind of parental plus sex. I'm aware that sounds messed up!

Not to derail but this really does sound worryingly unhealthy. You should not have a parental relationship with someone you are having sex with and any man that would seek out that dynamic is as red flag as red flags get. Even setting aside the multiple affairs.

If you wake up one day and think 'I'm not happy in this marriage' I'm not saying you have to leave that day, but to decide you're not going to leave, then calculate and start an affair and then say 'I'm doing this because I can't leave my spouse' I don't think is right. I don't believe you can't leave a spouse if you really want to.

But even this shows you don't understand the complexities of some relationships. I am not unhappy in my marriage, but it is lacking passion and lust, which I can get from the OM. It is not just as simple as thinking I'm not happy but will stay living here anyway.